Parenting Question (about a child smoking)

[Tasha405]

I *think* my 12 yr old is sneaking and smoking. I haven't actually seem him smoke but I have found several lighters in his pockets while doing laundry but he swears they belong to his friends. :rolleyes: While he was in WV my MIL said she thought she smelled cig smoke on his breath. She doesn't smoke so she picks up on that pretty easy. Plus, my FIL had a pack of cigs come up missing. They didn't blame it on my son because they were other kids and people there but they let me know about it after I told them about the lighters.

So what should I do? I smoke and I don't know what to say to him. We've had talks about it and I've asked him to please not smoke and how its a nasty addiction/habit and everything else. He always says he doen't like the smell of cigs and all of that but I haven't heard that in a LONG time. He used to say it almost every day.

Do I go off on him if I catch him doing it and ground him or whatever or do I just talk to him and hope he takes my advice?

My mom used to tell me "do as I say, not as I do", is that what I should say too? lol

Has anyone ever gone through this? Please help!

[Eyore]

Can't really say what to do because I don't think there is much you can do.
I snuck around and smoked in 6th grade, got caught with Cigs on me. I was made to sit and smoke cig after cig and even cigars till I got sick and threw up. Well I stopped for a week and went back to it. Grounding didn't work, nothing worked. I smoked till up about 13 years ago (I'm 45 now) and then I stopped, but it was my choice to stop no one could make me.
I hate to see kids start smoking, they think it is cool they just don't realize the hazards of it.
As far as you smoking, well he may throw that back in your face that you do. But kids have been known to smoke that weren't around smokers growing up.
I have 2 grown children. My son doesn't smoke, he doesn't like it plus he has asthma and smoke bothers him. My daughter didn't smoke and hated it till she moved out of the house and all her friends smoke, so now she smokes.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

[DivineMsDi]

Well, there isn't much you can tell a 12 year old. They think they know it all.

I don't smoke, no one in our house does. But I know how hard it is for people to quit. Maybe you can explain to him how difficult it is to smoke and hard to quit. If he likes sports, you can explain how he won't be able to run as fast or play as long if he smokes.

Unfortunately, kids who come from houses where a parent or parents smoke are more likely to smoke. Also he's at the age where peers try new things.

Good luck, whatever happens.

[lassss]

I dunno how to handle that one.....maybe just tell him you know he is smoking because he reeks of ciggie odor and it could embarrass him of smelling that bad and no one will want to be around him (even if he doesn't smell). Sometimes ya gotta play the mind game a lil bit and see if it works...good luck

[justinenycole26]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to give you {{{{HUGS}}}}. I hope you find a solution. If I had known when I was 13 that 17 years later I wold still be smoking after years of trying to quit, I never wouls have started. But nobody could tell me anything when i was 13.

[YankeeMary]

Smell his hands if you think he has been smoking. Its way easier to smell on a hand then the breath. Gum might cover the smell but really what child would think to was their hands? I used this when I caught my 14 year old sneaking a cig. I didn't do anything to him really except to say "I am really disappointed in your decision making." That eats away at him, so I continued to give him the silent treatment only talk to him when I had to for the rest of the day. He kept saying what are you going to do to me? LOL. The next day we talked and I told him how bad it hurt my feelings that he would consider smoking, with out talking to me about it first and that I gave him more credit than that. He cried and cried and swore he would never do it again. And to my knowledge never has.

[kelly12569]

[QUOTE=YankeeMary]Smell his hands if you think he has been smoking. Its way easier to smell on a hand then the breath. Gum might cover the smell but really what child would think to was their hands? QUOTE]



Good idea Mary!


Im not sure how I would handle this either. Although while we were camping last week I could have sworn I overheard my SS (yes, the one Im always posting about LOL) tell my oldest son that he smokes at his mothers house. We have caught him with lighters but that was when he was trying to set his brothers toy box on fire, a whole nother subject. Anyways... wanna offer hugs to ya hun. If it was me... I guess I would be like "well, I guess I can never trust you to be honest with me again, blah blah blah, I guess Ill have to hire a babysitter to sit with a 12 yr old cuz he cant be trusted, etc etc" trying to make some guilt set in but like everyone else said... prob not much you can say cuz a 12 yr old already thinks he knows it all. Atleast the 13 yr old here does :rolleyes:

And Tasha, seems like my step and your son are so much alike... if you ever need to vent or talk feel free to pm me girl. ;)

[Faithfully]

I myself(these are just my opinions, don't flame me please), would quit smoking immediately, to set a good example for my kids to follow. I quit 6 years ago, when they were very young, so I could live to see them grow up, and to give them a healthy environment to grow up in. My son has severe asthma, and though I smoked outside, the smoke, and smell linger on clothes for hours, and it affected him. You can smell a smoker at least 20 feet away, even if they haven't recently smoked. You can quit smoking if you don't think of it as a habit, and put it in a mind set that your doing it to live for your kids, it is more important than smoking(thats what I did, I quit cold turkey after 12 years smoking(except when I was pregnant), and haven't looked back. It was the best gift I gave them(besides life,lol). Just think of all the money you would have to spend on them, or save for a college education., at least $1500.00 a year. I would also confront(do an intervention?) my child(again, this is what "I" would do), and make sure it is known in no certain terms, that he will NOT EVER smoke again. I would do a room search, and often, and watch him like a hawk. Also, take any lighters away immediately. Smell him everytime he came home ect. You as the parent have to step in, and protect him, even if your just suspicious. Good luck.

**Editing to add** I'm just curious of why nobody thinks she should "go off on her child"??? If I caught my kid doing that I would be livid. He is a child, and at age 12, she should have a hand in every aspect of his life. I can understand that it would be harder if he was 17, or 18, but up until that age, it's our responsibility to guide our children, even if it means them hating us temporarily. In the long run, they will love you for caring enough to stop life threatening behavior. We are their their parent, not their friend, and I feel a child would respect a parent more if they put their foot down,firmly.
Again, these are my opinions.

[justme23]

Don't go off on him, it isn't going to help. Or it didn't w/ me, atleast. Both of my parents smoked and my dad always smoked just half a cig and then would leave the rest in the ashtray... those were my first cigarettes. He found them and beat me (not that you would do that!) and grounded me for months it seemed like... but it didn't stop me from smoking, just to spite him I wanted to do it more. Now I'm 27 and still trying to quit!

I'm sure it's against the law, but I really think if my parents had made me sit and smoke til I puked I would have never touched them again... but I have no advice on how to make him stop... by the time I was 15 my parents even agreed to buy them for me as long as I'd quit sneaking and smoking them 'in their house'. That was after years of the 'going off' and grounding... good luck whatever you do!!!

[Tasha405]

Don't go off on him, it isn't going to help. Or it didn't w/ me, atleast. Both of my parents smoked and my dad always smoked just half a cig and then would leave the rest in the ashtray... those were my first cigarettes. He found them and beat me (not that you would do that!) and grounded me for months it seemed like... but it didn't stop me from smoking, just to spite him I wanted to do it more. Now I'm 27 and still trying to quit!

I'm sure it's against the law, but I really think if my parents had made me sit and smoke til I puked I would have never touched them again... but I have no advice on how to make him stop... by the time I was 15 my parents even agreed to buy them for me as long as I'd quit sneaking and smoking them 'in their house'. That was after years of the 'going off' and grounding... good luck whatever you do!!!

See, that was me! I smoked for the very first time when I was 9 and by the time I was 11, I was smoking every day. I would sneak and smoke and when my dad found out, he went off. He griped for a few days but then told me that he would buy them for me so that I wouldn't be out bumming for cigs. (I know, not the best thing to do) I didn't start smoking in front of him though until I was 13 or 14. I was to scared to because I didn't want him to make me eat them or something. Both of my parents smoked and now all of us "kids" do too. But, at the same time, both of my hubby's parents smoked and he never has. He hates the smell and everything. I don't think me quitting now is going to make that big of a difference to my son. Plus, I don't really want to quit. Thats my nerve medicine. LOL

It so hard for me to get REALLY MAD because I have been there and done the same exact things. Plus, like everyone else said, when you're 12 you seem to know everything anyway. :rolleyes: (so they think) ;) So I guess I will sit him down tonight and have another heart to heart talk about everything, again. I'll let him know that I really wish he didn't smoke and the health problems it can cause and all that stuff. Hopefully he will listen and take what I say seriously.

Oh and NO I will NOT be buying his cigs if he is smoking. I can barely afford my own. LOL

[Tasha405]

[QUOTE=YankeeMary]Smell his hands if you think he has been smoking. Its way easier to smell on a hand then the breath. Gum might cover the smell but really what child would think to was their hands? QUOTE]



Good idea Mary!


Im not sure how I would handle this either. Although while we were camping last week I could have sworn I overheard my SS (yes, the one Im always posting about LOL) tell my oldest son that he smokes at his mothers house. We have caught him with lighters but that was when he was trying to set his brothers toy box on fire, a whole nother subject. Anyways... wanna offer hugs to ya hun. If it was me... I guess I would be like "well, I guess I can never trust you to be honest with me again, blah blah blah, I guess Ill have to hire a babysitter to sit with a 12 yr old cuz he cant be trusted, etc etc" trying to make some guilt set in but like everyone else said... prob not much you can say cuz a 12 yr old already thinks he knows it all. Atleast the 13 yr old here does :rolleyes:

And Tasha, seems like my step and your son are so much alike... if you ever need to vent or talk feel free to pm me girl. ;) Oh girl, they do sound soooo much alike!! Especially the lighter & fire situation. Feel free to PM me anytime you need someone to talk to, too! :)

[MamaFairal]

Mama's turn:

I come from a family of two parents~ 7 kids.........I am the only one who has not smoked! Sure i might have tried it for a day or two in my teens i think but i didnt like the taste so i never did it again.

I have two DD's....both smoke! Ripping into them may help in the here and now but as soon as they get out and about again they will have a cig.Peer pressure sucks! You can scream and yell and ground all ya want...even make them eat a pack to get sick(my dad did this to a sister once) She still smokes to this day.

My mother died from emphyzema in 2002 and my girls watched Grammy suffer and also lose half a leg to this decease....gasping for air with every breath.
My mother smoked Camel(nonfilter) for as long as i can remember....right up to a couple months before she passed....hey why quit now right!

I talked till i was blue in the face and legs, hands.......in the end wether ya like it or not.......its gonna be your sons choice........PERIOD!

[Quaker_Parrots]

No advice, just {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} I think I would come unglued if I caught one of my babies smoking. (I don't smoke, experimented with it a few times, never got adicted, hopefully he is just "experimenting") I just got my hubby to quit over a year and a half ago. I hope when mine get to that age, they will listen to me about it. I saw what my Mom went through as a smoker. I lost her 8 years ago this week to lung cancer. Before she passed on, she suffered for over 11 years with emphysema

[DaLilPeachy]

i think a heart to heart is a good idea. I started smoking young- started by stealing my mom's (Raleigh 100s). She made me smoke the whole pack when she caught me. I smoked for 8 more years after that then I stopped smoking for 10 years - I smoke again now and I know what you mean about your nerve medicine.
Your son is going to do what he's going to do regardless of the punishments but i really think having a heart to heart with him is good. If nothing else he'll know you care and he'll love you all the more for it. (Eventually)
Good luck and please let us know how everything turns out.

[KATinKY]

I smoke, but I can tell you, that my kids know where I stand if I ever caught them. I would definetly keep a close eye on him and if you find out or catch him, do what you think is right and make sure he stops. I started when I was 16 and still to this day regret it. Its easier to break being young than it is when you do it for a while, well best of luck to you and your son.

[twinkiesmom]

I quit 10yrs ago and still catch myself walking into my grandma's house saying, 'Hi Stinky' lol She knows I don't like her smoking especially when 'she doesn't inhale' lol Her words. But I can really smell it anywhere since I quit. Funny how it wasn't stinky when I was smoking! lol When the time comes for me if I catch one of my children, I think I'd try an embarrassing scheme. 'Geez oz u smell nasty.' 'I'll just bet you look real attractive w/that cig butt hanging outta your mouth' or 'Your clothes smell like u've been sleeping in an ashtray again.' I dunno. That's how I work. Make em feel bad about what they're doin. How it disappoints me, etc. It's illegal for a minor to buy, so it's obviously something that's for adults only.

[Donnagg123]

I agree with just talking to him. Maybe you could make him an offer: if he confesses that he smokes and tries to quit you will quit with him. Or even show him pictures of nasty lungs and take him to like the hospital where people are dying from empysema and such. HTH and GL :)

[justme23]

**Editing to add** I'm just curious of why nobody thinks she should "go off on her child"??? If I caught my kid doing that I would be livid. He is a child, and at age 12, she should have a hand in every aspect of his life. I can understand that it would be harder if he was 17, or 18, but up until that age, it's our responsibility to guide our children, even if it means them hating us temporarily. In the long run, they will love you for caring enough to stop life threatening behavior. We are their their parent, not their friend, and I feel a child would respect a parent more if they put their foot down,firmly.
Again, these are my opinions.

Because it doesn't work that way... not once they get to the 'I know everything about life there is to know' stage. I know because I HAVE lived that situation and like I said, the more he went off the more I did it out of spite. This is definitely a battle worth choosing but it's also worth considering how to go about it. Going off rarely fixes anything in life!

[YankeeMary]

**Editing to add** I'm just curious of why nobody thinks she should "go off on her child"??? If I caught my kid doing that I would be livid. He is a child, and at age 12, she should have a hand in every aspect of his life. I can understand that it would be harder if he was 17, or 18, but up until that age, it's our responsibility to guide our children, even if it means them hating us temporarily. In the long run, they will love you for caring enough to stop life threatening behavior. We are their their parent, not their friend, and I feel a child would respect a parent more if they put their foot down,firmly.
Again, these are my opinions.[/QUOTE]




Just wondering what are the ages of your children?

[fatesfaery]

I can tell you what I did with DD. I'm not saying you should do this and I'm sure I'll need asbestos panties afterwards.
I've been smoking since I was old enough to steal them from my mom. I got spanked for it, it got grounded for it...but I never stopped.
DD decided she was going to smoke when she was 11-12. I talked to her, I grounded her, but she still smoked (it's a myth that people who smoke can't smell it on others)....finally I told her that if she wanted to smoke she could...she could pick a brand and I'd buy them for her(as far as I know she never took my cigarettes).....she could only smoke in the house and only in front of me.
This lasted about a week and she suddenly realized that she wasn't sneaking around, she wasn't being cool by doing something behind my back....and it wasn't fun anymore.
She's 18 and hasn't touched a cigarette since and swears she never will.She says I took all the fun out of trying to rebel.

[Trishntx]

My son started smoking when he was about 15 and when he got a bit older and started making new friends, he stopped. I think he did it for peer pressure. He is now 22 and can't stand them. My other son is 18 and smoke free, as well as my husband who quit about 6 years ago. I too am a non-smoker and hubby and I came from smokers homes. My sis didn't smoke until she was 30, and then took up the habit. Go figure!
My son was embarrassed to smoke around us and that helped him quit, and the fact that my mother died from lung cancer. I talked about it all the time and I think he finally got the message, cigarettes killed her.
Good luck, mayber time will tell for you!

[Freebeemom]

I had a friend who's dad was in the military. He found my friend (his son...14 at the time) some the entire pack of cigs. and thensome.....it was nasty! He did get sick...and needless to say, never did it again!

[Tasha405]

I talked with him last night after every one else had went to bed. He still says he didn't smoke but he did admit the lighters were his AND his friends. He said they have found them here and there, along the streets. He said they had been using them to set off fire crackers and smoke bombs. (something he knows he would get into trouble over, but I just told him to stop playing with them and left it at that)

I told him again that I didn't want him to pick up smoking and he said "I know Mom, you've told me that before". :rolleyes: lol I told him that once he became old enough to work AND buy them, then that was up to him. But I really hoped he would never start, period. He says he doesn't think that he will because he doesn't like the smell of them, so we will see.

I think that maybe he tried them and just didn't like it. I get this just by the way he talked and his actions about it. Hopefully, it was just a one time thing and he will never want to do it again.

Thanks for all of the replies and advice. I just wasn't sure how to handle it since I myself smoke.