What is wrong with her?????? (LONG!)

[buttrfli]

I am so frusterated right now!!!! I am literally in tears right now. :(

My 6 year old DD is NEVER happy, and if she is, its only for a few minutes or it while shes doing what SHE wants to do.... nevermind anyone else.

It starts EVERY morning. Every night before bed we pick out clothes for school the next day. I started doing that because I was so tired of fighting with her every morning about clothes. Lately she will get up and start screaming about how what she picked isn't what she wants to wear.... so theres a fight again every morning.

When DH takes them to school, its the longest 3 minutes of his life. She complains that she dosen't want to go to school for different petty reasons... this morning it was because her sister ran in the hall yesterday.

When she is at school she is an absolute angel and loved by everyone!! I get nothing but exceptional reports on her. She a good student and she follows all the rules and I have NEVER had her teacher say she has acted up.

The second she gets inthe car after school, there is something wrong and bothering her. It can be either her sister looked at her funny or someone didn't wait their turn for something... some things she gets upset about don't even affect her... it just bothers her. (did that make sense?)

Today, she was pretty much ok (I have learned to live with the small complaints) but she didn't eat much dinner (i blamed it on the warm weather). The ice cream man came by and I let the girls get an ice cream and obviously she was fine with that. Both girls go to bed at 9pm and they start bedtime routines at 7.. baths, snacks, clothes etc... well tonight I told her ot go take a bath and she said she wasnted sister to go first... fine with me. Well sister was out of the tub and DD was FURIOUS that I didn't tell her that full house (her fav show) was on or else she would have taken a bath earlier. Ok, full house comes on the same time every friggin night and she knows it. So i told her it was her choice to let sister take a bath first so she has to deal with it..... thats when the crying starts.... she cried a full 10 min before getting in the tub, cried the whole time in the tub and is still crying an hour later. I pretty much ignore her, hopeing that it will stop, but it dosen't. She in her bed throwing herself around screaming at the top of her lungs. I had to get her out of bed twice, because when she cries hard, she throws up.

Before you ask, yes I spank her when she acts like this, but to be honest this is one of the very few times it does not work. I take things away from her, I ground her to her room, I put her in the corner and nothing works when she is like this... when its this bad. If I can catch the behavior before it gets out of control, I can usually put an end to it with punishment, but more and more recently, there is no gradual procession... shes instantly to the breaking point.

Someone PLEASE tell me this is just some type of age related thing!! This has been going on since she was 4 or 5 and gradually gets worse.

I am willing to take any and all advice!!!!!!! :(

[peaceluver]

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))) I have no words of wisdom, I hope this is just a life stage she will outgrow soon.

[twinkiesmom]

I have one that just turned 7 a cpl weeks ago. Mine only goes into fits of crying if I choose to ignore her so she'll start this . . . . You don't love me anymore crap. She'll get into this cry/hyperventilate thing and my response to her is . . . . 'If you keep crying, I will give u something to cry about' That usually works cuz I stick to my guns when I say something, I mean it.

About the complaining thing. . . . I'd try to put her in your shoes. 'How would u like it if everytime I had something mean to say . . . . I said it? You would really get sick and tired of it fast. That's how I feel when u don't have anything nice to say.' I usually try to come up w/a story using a friend or two at school. 'If Rebecca didn't like Chelsea . . . . and she always come to u saying Chelsea always cries . . . Chelsea always plays w/her hair . . . . Rebecca wouldn't be a nice person if she kept saying mean things about Chelsea right? How do u think I feel when I hear u always complain about your sister? Kinda makes u not a nice person doesn't it?' Anyway, that's what I'd do. Try to put her in your shoes as to what u are seeing in her situation. Does that make sense?

[PeggySue]

tough one? well if shes happy n fine in school thats good, but if shes always complaining n at home in car etc... try n think about why shes acting like this? there has to be a reason she is being like this? always complianing etc....is she jealous? does she need extra attention? more hugs, reassuring etc? try n talk calmly to her about this, and or talk to school counselor for help as its free and they will give ya some good advice... or maybe talk to her dr. good luck:)

[buttrfli]

tough one? well if shes happy n fine in school thats good, but if shes always complaining n at home in car etc... try n think about why shes acting like this? there has to be a reason she is being like this? always complianing etc....is she jealous? does she need extra attention? more hugs, reassuring etc? try n talk calmly to her about this, and or talk to school counselor for help as its free and they will give ya some good advice... or maybe talk to her dr. good luck:)


Shes treated just the same as her sister. Shes not sbused (I am not saying that you think that lol) but we have a pretty good life! My kids are spoiled (hummmmmmmm) they have everything they need and most of what they want. I have two special hours a day set aside for "girl talk" one hour for each of the girls. Shes the baby of the family and has certainly been acting like it.

When she has these fits, and when shes done, I try to sit with her and talk (she likes to cuddle on the couch) and when I ask her if she knows what makes her so upset, she tells me she does not know.... funny thing is that I believe her.

When they are as bad as they were tonight, she usually goes to bed crying, and it breaks my heart! but I don't want to let her stay up late or get what she wants just because shes crying.

I think I will call her school counselor tomorrow.

Thanks everyone :)

[MsLynn]

i would take away all those "little extras" like the ice cream man, and things like that till she learns to say nice things instead of complaining... if my boys want to say something bad about the other one, or tattle, they can't until they say something nice about their brother first. its actually worked wonders. lol i read it in a magazine and really didn't think it would work, but gave it a shot

[YankeeMary]

Do you need Santa to give her a call??? LOL...but seriously maybe its a form of depression??? Possibly you could ask her doctor??? I just wish you luck.

[justme23]

Do you need Santa to give her a call??? LOL...but seriously maybe its a form of depression??? Possibly you could ask her doctor??? I just wish you luck.

That is what I thought... I'm not a parent but I DO suffer from depression. I'm a grown woman and before I went on Welbutrin I would break down and cry over the stupidest things... and like you said, things that had nothing to do w/ me! They weren't violent tantrums... but when they came on, there was absolutely NO stopping them... and they sometimes went on for days at a time... I think I'd skip the school counselor and ask for a referal to a pshchologist from your pediatrician... It doesn't sound like simple sibling jealousy to me... granted, I'm not a parent and was raised an only child... so what do I know... but I think it goes alot deeper anyway.

[Quaker_Parrots]

Sounds to me like she is fighting for control. (She wants to be in charge, to be "mommy") My DD suffers through the same thing, and I don't let her get away with it. She has even gone as far as trying to boss her older brother around(lets just say that doesn't fly with him either,lol)

[DivineMsDi]

My DS(age 6) is a lot like your DD. He gets wacked out all of a sudden. If I say something, he will start having these crying fits over nothing.
Trying to get to the heart of it makes him cry more or carry on! Yesterday we had a huge argument with DS, DH and me over something totally stupid!!

Sometimes it is a control thing. Both of them are jealous of each other and expect my attention 100%. I have to be a referee between my dh and ds!! Maybe she is trying to find her place and thinks this is the way?

I think she is blowing off steam a bit because she is being "so good" at school. Let's face it, you can't be the perfect child all the time. My sister's 3rd son is like this. The teachers gush and say how smart and wonderful and good he is but at home he is rude, pushy and swears like a sailor...

Go figure?? Good luck.

Good luck.

[buttrfli]

Do you need Santa to give her a call??? LOL...but seriously maybe its a form of depression??? Possibly you could ask her doctor??? I just wish you luck.

LOL Mary!!


I actually do take things away from her. There are days she does not get ice cream, but yesterday was a good day (until after icecream lol) and I can't do anything but take one day at a time with her.. I don't take things away for longer than 48 hours (unless its just extreme)

I am going to call her Dr. this morning. All of you have seem to hit on something, but I have got to get her past this (me too) in one piece and hopefully her dr will have some ideas that I can add to the ones you guys gave me.

Thanks all! I feel MUCH better knowing that I am not the only one with a child like this! LOL

[justmehere]

I have a dd something like this as well..and yes I have been where you are..in tears!~~~~ DD is 9 years old, I have resently figured-out alot of dd's mood swings and such are due to school and friends, now this isnt saying school and her friends are to blame.. this is stating, how my dd handles the school/friends situation esp. at school.
Very stressfull, my dd thinks she has to have a perfect record at school, and when her friends dont give her the attention dd thinks she needs...OMG the world is going to end..LOL The she comes home and takes it out on me and every family member.. whinny, crying, mad, attitude.
I dont have the answers for ya, I'm still trying to work thru dd's, but I have found that talking about school, and friends, the whole situation does help, I do wish your dd would open up to you more, that helps you to figure out just how to approach her with help. I found that if I think it is a school issue than I start off by telling dd a story about when I was in school or her sisters, it kinda breaks the ice and before ya know it dd is talking about her problem and doesnt even know it. ;)
Good luck, I know this is hard, and heart breaking to see you dd going thur this, I have been there and am still there as well :)

[lassss]

but we have a pretty good life! My kids are spoiled (hummmmmmmm) they have everything they need and most of what they want. :)

I think Ya just found the answer to your dilemna....and she's only gonna get worse if ya don't nip it now..it's not a phase.

[zitra]

LOL Mary!!


I actually do take things away from her. There are days she does not get ice cream, but yesterday was a good day (until after icecream lol) and I can't do anything but take one day at a time with her.. I don't take things away for longer than 48 hours (unless its just extreme)

I am going to call her Dr. this morning. All of you have seem to hit on something, but I have got to get her past this (me too) in one piece and hopefully her dr will have some ideas that I can add to the ones you guys gave me.

Thanks all! I feel MUCH better knowing that I am not the only one with a child like this! LOL

My son acted like this at that age (he is now almost 11)..If he started screaming fits, I just sent him to bed (alot of his seemed to stem from being overly tired). When he woke up, he would be in a much better mood and apologize(also I told him that he wasn't allowed out of his room, until he would behave civiliy, and was ready to give me an apology for his behaviour, and would be sent back if it started again).

He also learned that when he threw a fit, he would be grounded for one week. This grounding was to his room (no tv/video games, or electronics) he had to stay in his room, but was allowed to play with his toys. IF after he was grounded, and in his room, he threw another fit, he was sent to his bed, for the rest of his grounding, and not allowed ANY toys. I would however allow him any of his books he wanted to read (doesn't like reading much LOL)..this didn't take long ot set in, that I was in charge, not him, and his fits would not be tolerated, and then they became very few and far between.

I also had a large box of legos, that didn't belong to either child, that I kept, in my room. If my son had not had any "episodes" in one week, the legos were his to use for the weekend.. (my younger son wasn't old enough to play with them, but when he was the same rules went for him). When my son had grown out of this stage, and stopped throwing fits (after about 2 months of no fits), he was rewarded with his own big bucket of legos.

Taking things away for 1-2 days never worked with my kids, because they thought "well it's not so bad, I'll just get them back tomorrow, or just be grounded for 1 day, etc." the ONLY thing that worked with my son was grounding for 1 week (at least, for big fits it might be two weeks, also depending on their attitude during the grounding, if they weren't mopy/whining/grumpy, then I might let them off 1-2 two days early, and if they started getting, grumpy, or threw any more fits during grounding, I let them know that if it didn't stop Right then I would be adding a few days onto their grounding)....I started this when they were about 5, and it did take a little while, always being consistant, to work, but it has worked for us.

Also one of the things that would help, is they knew acting up and being grounded, meant that any extra curicular activities they had (after school library programs/cubscouts, etc. that they WOULD NOT be allowed to attend)..This helped tremendously as well.

[buttrfli]

Very stressfull, my dd thinks she has to have a perfect record at school,

thats a big part of the way my daughter is at school. EVERYTHING has to be perfect. if she gets one answer wrong on her paper, she runs through the house screaming how stupid she is. I try my best to comfort her, but nothing helps, so we study what she did wrong. it seems to help a little if I let her correct her papers and take them back to her teacher. of course the grade dosen't change, but i think she wants to make sure her teacher knows she can do it.

homework is a nightmare. shes great about getting right to it after school (in fact she loves homework) but when she gets stuck and wants me to help her, she expect me to give her the answers, which I won't... so theres another blowup. Once she understands, she get right to it.

Let me add that she is in 1st grade, but she is in a group of 3 students who are doing 2nd grade work.... do you think that the pressure of trying to do her ultimate best is getting to her?? Can praising over her work and doting on her actually make her worse? I am not saying, not to praise her, but her teachers give her a LOT of attention. I thought about this last night... a LOT.
Her clothes have to be absolutely perfect, her hair has to be perfect, her room, her shoes, her clothes have to be put away in a specific way (shirts and dresses on hangers and everything else in dressers... God forbid I put a pajama top in with her pant! :eek: ) I have never REALLY sat down and thought about it before, but everything has to be "just so" or she comes unglued. the more i thought aboutit, the more things I came up with that she obsesses over. to me it just seems like if something is not "just so" then her whole day is ruined. I have talked with her before that no one is perfect, and how she dosen't have to make things perfect and its ok if her hair is not right etc... but shes just 6 and I don't think that she totally understands everything I try to convey to her. She is the youngest of 5 and I have never encountered this with any of my other kids. Our 22 y/o was a tad bit like this, but not to the extect that she had total meltdowns (a "fit" really dosen't seem to explain what she does) over it, she would be upset a bit and that was it!

[buttrfli]

My son acted like this at that age (he is now almost 11)..If he started screaming fits, I just sent him to bed (alot of his seemed to stem from being overly tired). When he woke up, he would be in a much better mood and apologize(also I told him that he wasn't allowed out of his room, until he would behave civiliy, and was ready to give me an apology for his behaviour, and would be sent back if it started again).

He also learned that when he threw a fit, he would be grounded for one week. This grounding was to his room (no tv/video games, or electronics) he had to stay in his room, but was allowed to play with his toys. IF after he was grounded, and in his room, he threw another fit, he was sent to his bed, for the rest of his grounding, and not allowed ANY toys. I would however allow him any of his books he wanted to read (doesn't like reading much LOL)..this didn't take long ot set in, that I was in charge, not him, and his fits would not be tolerated, and then they became very few and far between.

I also had a large box of legos, that didn't belong to either child, that I kept, in my room. If my son had not had any "episodes" in one week, the legos were his to use for the weekend.. (my younger son wasn't old enough to play with them, but when he was the same rules went for him). When my son had grown out of this stage, and stopped throwing fits (after about 2 months of no fits), he was rewarded with his own big bucket of legos.

Taking things away for 1-2 days never worked with my kids, because they thought "well it's not so bad, I'll just get them back tomorrow, or just be grounded for 1 day, etc." the ONLY thing that worked with my son was grounding for 1 week (at least, for big fits it might be two weeks, also depending on their attitude during the grounding, if they weren't mopy/whining/grumpy, then I might let them off 1-2 two days early, and if they started getting, grumpy, or threw any more fits during grounding, I let them know that if it didn't stop Right then I would be adding a few days onto their grounding)....I started this when they were about 5, and it did take a little while, always being consistant, to work, but it has worked for us.

Also one of the things that would help, is they knew acting up and being grounded, meant that any extra curicular activities they had (after school library programs/cubscouts, etc. that they WOULD NOT be allowed to attend)..This helped tremendously as well.


very good advice, maybe i should not give her things back so quick? I admit I am a pushover and my kids are spoiled. We are kind of like an abusive family (stick with me here lol) on the outside, people see my kids as good children who always behave and are well mannered. But when it get home its a warzone and every man for himself! We have recently started making it a point to sit and eat dinner as a family (at the same time lol) rather than just doing it a few times a week. The girls seem to really like being able to talk about their day at that time and we are only allowed to talk about good and happy things.

I am going to apply some of the suggestions made here over the next few weeks and see if we can get to some kind of happy medium here.

I REALLLY do appreciate all of the advice here. You'd think that with 5 kids I would know by now! LOL

[zitra]

[QUOTE=buttrfli]


Her clothes have to be absolutely perfect, her hair has to be perfect, her room, her shoes, her clothes have to be put away in a specific way (shirts and dresses on hangers and everything else in dressers... God forbid I put a pajama top in with her pant! :eek: ) I have never REALLY sat down and thought about it before, but everything has to be "just so" or she comes unglued. the more i thought aboutit, the more things I came up with that she obsesses over. to me it just seems like if something is not "just so" then her whole day is ruined. I have talked with her before that no one is perfect, and how she dosen't have to make things perfect and its ok if her hair is not right etc... QUOTE]

This (I know some adults like this) seems it could be symptoms of OCD (or it could just be she is a neat person and a perfectionist)..anyone feel free to correct me if I am wrong ( would look into her seeing a child pschycologist, as somone else suggested).. When my son started all these tantrums, was found out when in third grade, he was ADHD, BUT my son is VERY far from a neat freak, is is "somewhat" organized, in that he know where is stuff is, and doesn't want anyone messing up (cleaning) his room so he can't find his stuff), he also MOST of the time, doesn't care if his shirt perfectly matches his pants, or if his hair is perfect (likes it a little messy), etc.
But He does get moody sometimes when he "set" routine is messed up, he has to have structure, and set times for things, if even his bedtime if messed with it can make him moody

I grew to be an adult who has to have everythign in it's place, but I blame that on my mom being a slob LOL, becasue I wasn't like that as a kid..

[zitra]

very good advice, maybe i should not give her things back so quick? I admit I am a pushover and my kids are spoiled. We are kind of like an abusive family (stick with me here lol) on the outside, people see my kids as good children who always behave and are well mannered. But when it get home its a warzone and every man for himself! We have recently started making it a point to sit and eat dinner as a family (at the same time lol) rather than just doing it a few times a week. The girls seem to really like being able to talk about their day at that time and we are only allowed to talk about good and happy things.

I am going to apply some of the suggestions made here over the next few weeks and see if we can get to some kind of happy medium here.

I REALLLY do appreciate all of the advice here. You'd think that with 5 kids I would know by now! LOL

Well I commend you on being able to even raise 5 kids, I have two, and ithink if I had another i would just pull my hair out. Hubby and I are sometimes overly indulgent wiht material items, just becuase when we were both little we were very poor, and there was never money for things that weren't nesecities (sp), so we tend to buy, the kids whatever stuff they want for Chrismas and Birthdays, and usually do get a few extra toys inbetween. We figure we have the money now, and like to see the kids have the things we never did, but always make the kids remember that as easily as it came it can be taken away.

[buttrfli]

I agree. She didn't eat her dinner, but got ice cream? I would suggest making the punishment fit the crime. If she doesn't eat her dinner, she doesn't get ice cream, etc.

I solved the bathtub problem very easily with my kids. On the calendar I put their initials (C and J) and alternated days...C J, J C, C J, etc. The initial listed first was the first child to take a bath. It worked great.

Definitely talk to her school counselor, but it sounds like the problem is at home. I hate to say it, but it sounds like she's spoiled and has learned that throwing a tantrum gets her what she wants. She's plenty young enough to learn differently.

Good luck!

In defense of my DD (lol) she ate dinner, but she didn't eat as much as she normally does. I would not have let her have the ice cream if she had not eaten enough.

They do alternate bath times, but last night she wanted sister to go first for some reason. She is spoiled, and rarely her tantrums get her what she wants. Thats never worked with any of my kids.... didn't work with me when I was her age either... I have the sore butt to proove it!! LOL

[archaic]

It just might be too much TV. The commercials are always telling us to look or feel our best, that only the absolutly pretty ones get anything in life. Get rid of the TV and invest in a home library.

[justmehere]

Your dd reminds me of mine soo much buttrfli its kinda scarey :D

And I bet if you was a mouse watching your dd in her classroom.. she is the toally perfect child...right??? My dd is, makes me wonder if my dd isnt a split personality.. but she isnt.. it is only the pressure she is putting on herself to feel like she needs to fit in with others, only they are going a little over board with it right now. heck my dd even made herself sick to her stomach many times...just over pressure.
There really is no easy answer or a quick fix for this..it is a process that takes time and alot of talking and giving support to her.. do everything in your power to try and get your dd to talk about her school, and friends and even feelings.. she will open up, but it may take time.
Oh and it didnt do any good to punish my dd.. this is a situation I think that the girls just have a hard time trying to understand and deal with.
My dd still complains, but things have settled down some, and she talks more about her feelings in a set down calm voice ;)
By the way I have 3 dd's 1st..21 years old, 2nd 13 years old, 3rd 9 years old, oh and throw in my sweet grand-daughter in there too :D

[CowNcalves]

Ohh my, sounds like my night. My DD is only 4 but getting that attitude. she wants things done NOW. Lucky she dosn't have the screaming fits, DH broke her of that. When she would start crying or screaming, he would stand right next to her and ask "what was that, I can't hear you" or a little louder the neighbors can't hear you yet" She would get so flustered that she wasn't getting a reaction that she stopped doing that. Now shes into the name calling and i hate you stage. So tonight I refused to tuck her into bed, she wants to act up, fine with me. within 10 minutes she was saying that she was sorry for being mean. She only caused another 10 grey hairs tonight. ;)

[buttrfli]

Well, we had a better day yesterday. We talked w/ her school counselor and basically she said she was shocked that my DD acted like that at home (big surprise lol) but she also told me that it sounds like a "pressure or stress" situation. She said that DD may be trying so hard at school that she has to have a release at home of some sort.

Anyhow, shes going to talk to DD today and see what she can find out from her (kids hve a funy wy of talking to people other than their parents!)

Justmehere - I tell her teachers ALL the time I wish they could be a fly on my wall at home... they just don't believe it! LOL

[llbriteyes]

thats a big part of the way my daughter is at school. EVERYTHING has to be perfect. if she gets one answer wrong on her paper, she runs through the house screaming how stupid she is. I try my best to comfort her, but nothing helps, so we study what she did wrong. it seems to help a little if I let her correct her papers and take them back to her teacher. of course the grade dosen't change, but i think she wants to make sure her teacher knows she can do it.

My 20 year old was exactly the same way. She loves school and has always done beyond her best. If she ever got a "b" she'd beat herself up over it. We never had to get on her for grades. She still does it today. She's always upset that she won't make the Dean's list, yet she always does.

btw... her favorite store is Office Max. lol go figure.

I sincerely hope she grows out of it. We've always told our children to do their best. If their best was c's, well so be it. We never pressured them, as I'm sure you don't either. Its hard being a parent if your kids are good or bad. *sigh*

Linda

[VALENA-)45]

Since She Needs Some Sort Of Release When She Gets Home. Give Her Some Art Or Something That Keeps Her Busy. She Is Going To Be A High Performance Kid. Excel In Everything She Do. Do You Have A Younger Child?? Let Her Help You, With The Younger Child, If You Have One. Or Let Her Help With Dinner, And When She Starts To Cry, Cause She Feels She Messed Up Something, Tell Her, Honey There Is No Way To Mess Up In Cooking. Most Cooking Mistakes Are Edible.

[justmehere]

I was going to suggest talking with the school counselor buttrfli :) Hoping maybe your dd might open up to the couselor some and then you could prolly go from there...I have to remind myself often that my youngest dd is sooo much different than my other 2 dd's.
I dont know what the future holds for me and dd?? I just take it oneday at a time.. and pray for the best :D

My dd's teacher couldnt believe my dd acted that way either soo mcuh different at home and school.. I told her and she just kept say..."no-way" LOL

I dont take my dd to our school counselor due to I'm not to sure he is the right person qualified to help my dd... he lives behind me, and has like 5 boys, prolly 2-3 boys are being home schooled due to they cant seem to behave themselves in a regular school.. I'm talking the one boy is like 13 yrs old too, he left school due to he wouldnt stop stalking a girl at our JR. high school :eek: So I talk to dd's teacher alot and just do my best here at home with my dd ;)

[sj2004]

:D Just Tell Her To Stop Cumplaining And If She Dont Like What She Picked Out Tell Her That She Should Just Where It Today And Picke Somthing Else Out Tomorow.