Children's Services....

[KeliMom]

I need some advice/opinions, and I'm still fairly new to posting here, so please bear with me.

DH started counseling this past Friday, he has issues with porn, arguing with my daughter all the time, and our marriage is in the toilet (pretty much). They told him that if anything "illegal" was going on in the house, they'd have to report it to the authorities.... isn't counseling supposed to be confidential?

Anyway, DD comes home from school, says someone from Children Services came in to talk to her today, that the Principal sat in on it all, and she asked all kinds of questions... "Do you get enough food to eat in your house?" "Does your Stepdad ever beat you or your brother?" "Do you know the difference between good and bad touches?"... She also told DD that she would be calling me, she never did. When we got home, there was a card with her name on it in the front door.

First, don't you think they should've called me before "grilling" my daughter? I certainly don't have anything to hide, but I would think because she is a minor that they would need to notify me? And now the Principal being involved.... I don't think it was any of her business.

I'm wondering what is going to happen next, and why Children Services is getting involved to begin with. Guess I'll find out tomorrow when I call her... :rolleyes:

[charlahinkle]

I don't know, just sending you big hugs. know it has to be difficult.

[ImaGApeach]

Counceling is only confidental unless they think you may hurt yourself or hurting someone else.What does your DH say about it? They may feel he is abusive to the kids or something. They do not have to tell you anything-I know it sucks! My DD was in kindergarton and she said "She wanted Big boobs when she grew up(her and another girl was talking) well the other girl went and told the teacher everything my DD said(not what herself had said)and they thought my dd was being abused(GO FIGURE!!) well they questioned her on several occasions without my knowledge and also questioned my other dd(Who watches them the most? Where do they go? What they watch on TV?etc.) The only reason I knew was cause my oldest DD told me.I had to take her to a therapist or they said if I didn't they would take the kids away-Well I took her and they found no evidence of abuse.
Sorry you are going thru this{{HUGS}}

EDITED to add:
Does he use drugs?
I know when I was in group therapy we were all talking about smoking pot(self medicating) and this lady said she smoked it in front of her son and they hospital contacted children services and took her kids away.

[zitra]

This is just my opinion but Actually I don't think they should tell the parent before questioning the child. I have lived with parents who should have had my sister and I taken away numerous times, but everytime before a vistit they would give a "warning" call to my parents, and they would clean the house, put food in the cupboards etc. I had a friend who after the social services called the parents was told by the mother that if she didn't lie and tell them nothign was wrong, she would never see her brother again/would be beaten etc.

These visits and questioning are done in private, and without notice so parents can't (in case there is something going on) so parents don't have a chance to coach their kids, or clean up a house, that would be dirty again the minute a visit was over (that's what my parents did. The would clean and within two days the house was trashed again. They only cleaned up when they heard social servies were coming. I was always told if I talked I would be beaten... I ended up in that house til I was 19, and only survived by the graceo f God.

I am not saying you are doing anythign wrong, just the reasons for my opions.

Also I beleive that in any time of counseling, with reg. counselors as well as preists they are supposed to keep your confidence, but if they find out somethign illegal is happening, they are leaglly supposed to tell the authorities (if the ydon't I beleive they coudl lose their liscenses.

[twinkiesmom]

Yes, I do believe they have the right to question your child w/o your approval if they think something might be going on out of the norm. The counselor might have had a concern about your children since your dh has an interest in porn. I know it's embarrassing that all this is going on, but on a lighter note, they would get to the bottom of things if there was something going on between kids and your dh. I, myself, would feel a ton better knowing that nothing is going on. But if they find that something is, wouldn't u also feel better that there will be a stop to it? I'm sorry if this is a sensitive area I just spoke of, but I would welcome the chance for them to try to prove you wrong. (assuming u know that nothing is going on between kids and dh) But then again, I'm not in your situation. Just forming an opinion. I'm sorry you are going thru this.

[VALENA-)45]

THEY HAVE THE PERMISSION OF THE STATE TO QUESTION THE KIDS WHILE THEY ARE IN SCHOOL. HERE IS THE FLIP SIDE TO THIS. MY YOUNGEST SON WAS IN FOSTER CARE, I LIVED IN ONE STATE AND HE LIVED IN A CITY. HE USED TO CALL ME ALL THE TIME ABOUT THE ABUSE THAT WAS BEING DONE TO HIM, BY HIS FOSTER MOTHER, AND HER FAMILY. THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT A MONTH. I CALLED CPS (CHILDREN PROTECTIVE SERVICES) AND REPORT THE ABUSE, THEY SAID THEY WOULD INVESTIGATE. I TOLD THEM WHEN YOU GO TO THE HOUSE, TALK TO HIM IN PRIVATE, AND HE WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON. WELL, THEY WENT TO THE HOUSE TO INVESTIGATE AND SPOKE TO THE FOSTER MOTHER, SHE SAID NOTHING WAS GOING ON. THEN, THEY SPOKE TO MY SON IN FRONT OF HER, (INSTEAD OF TAKING HIM OUTSIDE THE HOUSE)AND SPEAKING TO HIM, HE TOLD THEM NO NOTHING WAS HAPPENING. CPS, CALLED ME AND TOLD ME WHAT MY SON HAD SAID. I TOLD THEM, IF YOU HAD TAKEN HIM OUTSIDE HE WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU WHAT YOU WANTED TO KNOW, BUT, YOU QUESTIONED HIM IN FRONT OF HER, AND HE LIED, TO SAVE HIS NECK. SHE WAS SO MAD THAT MY SON HAD TOLD ME WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND THAT I HAD CALLED THE STATE ON HER. THAT SHE ABUSED HIM MORE AND HAD HER FAMILY AND KIDS, BEATING ON HIM. NOW, THAT IS THE FLIPSIDE OF CPS. I WANT TO SAY DON'T WORRY, BUT YOU WILL ANYWAY, RELAX, EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. GOOD LUCK.

[silvermist]

Originally posted by zitra
This is just my opinion but Actually I don't think they should tell the parent before questioning the child. I have lived with parents who should have had my sister and I taken away numerous times, but everytime before a vistit they would give a "warning" call to my parents, and they would clean the house, put food in the cupboards etc. I had a friend who after the social services called the parents was told by the mother that if she didn't lie and tell them nothign was wrong, she would never see her brother again/would be beaten etc.

These visits and questioning are done in private, and without notice so parents can't (in case there is something going on) so parents don't have a chance to coach their kids, or clean up a house, that would be dirty again the minute a visit was over (that's what my parents did. The would clean and within two days the house was trashed again. They only cleaned up when they heard social servies were coming. I was always told if I talked I would be beaten... I ended up in that house til I was 19, and only survived by the graceo f God.

I am not saying you are doing anythign wrong, just the reasons for my opions.

Also I beleive that in any time of counseling, with reg. counselors as well as preists they are supposed to keep your confidence, but if they find out somethign illegal is happening, they are leaglly supposed to tell the authorities (if the ydon't I beleive they coudl lose their liscenses.

I agree.

In the end it's all done for the safety of other kids. While you might have done nothing wrong, there are chances other people do commit some crimes yet they "clean up" the act because they've had notice beforehand that CPS was coming. I think it's better to be safe than sorry as there are so many kids being abused in some shape or form. So it's just for the best I think that CPS conducts random visits without any notice. If someone has nothing to hide, than they don't need any notice anyway the way I see it.

Do you know exactly what DH told them? Maybe that might give you clues if you ask? Hopefully all turns out well.

[stresseater]

OH crap here comes the soapbox.....This is why a whole lot of people who need medical help don't go get it. The definition of "harm to the child" is a relative thing. Did your child see you buy that beer? Did you light a cigarette in fromt of them? Did you use a derogatory term about a person in the presence of your child? Right now they are telling a previously gay woman she can't teach her child in a religion that will cast an unfavorable pall on homosexuality. There is a rather large subculture of people who are so afraid of the state and help from them that they don't seek the help they need.They don't file for food stamps, medical or wic. They don't go to the doctor unless there is a massive amount of blood involved. They don't go in for prenatal care. They are afraid to seek help because they are afraid DHS will swoop down and shatter their lives. I pray you will be able to escape/endure the help they are insisting :rolleyes: on giving you.

[Dolly<3]

I know it seems unfair to you, and I can certainly understand that. But imagine a little kid who is really in a bad situation. If they told their parents when they would be questioning their child, they'd tell their child to lie.

I know it seems wrong, but it's in the best interest for your kids. They do it b/c they care about them. It's in your best interest too b/c if your kids are in a good home they will know it and quit bothering you.

Good luck! (((((KeliMom)))))

[Damnifiknw]

Actually check the laws in your state. I know of someone who's child was questioned without him being present. He sued the school system and won.

In some cases it's good to question a child about their home life if the child is being neglected. At the same time the person asking the question can twist what your child had stated. It makes no difference if the Principal is present the principal will side with the state, because they also work for the state.

If I were you, i'd check in and see if your childs rights were violated. As a minor your child does have rights....

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by kids=stress
OH crap here comes the soapbox.....This is why a whole lot of people who need medical help don't go get it. The definition of "harm to the child" is a relative thing. Did your child see you buy that beer? Did you light a cigarette in fromt of them? Did you use a derogatory term about a person in the presence of your child? Right now they are telling a previously gay woman she can't teach her child in a religion that will cast an unfavorable pall on homosexuality. There is a rather large subculture of people who are so afraid of the state and help from them that they don't seek the help they need.They don't file for food stamps, medical or wic. They don't go to the doctor unless there is a massive amount of blood involved. They don't go in for prenatal care. They are afraid to seek help because they are afraid DHS will swoop down and shatter their lives. I pray you will be able to escape/endure the help they are insisting :rolleyes: on giving you.

AMEN! Applause!

[mom2cvam]

Originally posted by momfromTN
AMEN! Applause! The "system" thinks THEY can raise your kids better than you can. I will not be suprised if they start taking kids to raise right from the hospital. After all, the PARENTS don't matter, and won't do a good enough job. God forbid you tell anyone you spank your kids, because they will swoop down on your home, like the Gestapo and take your kids. The fact that CPS can come to your home and just take kids and ask questions later is scary as hell and WRONG!!! The fact that some social worker can just come to your child's public school (can't do it at private schools)and ask them questions like that WITHOUT the parent, makes me sick. If my younger son was not special needs, I would have him OUT of the public schools so fast your head would spin. I did raise heck with them a few months ago. They had my son observed by a social worker. There was no need to do so. A social worker is not a psychologist and served no purpose. I told them to NEVER do that again without my permission, or I would sue them. I mean what I say. Autism and sensory integration dysfunction are NOT a result of child abuse or neglect. They are MY kids, not the states and I will raise them how I see fit and if the state doesn't like it, they can lump it.

I understand some kids ARE abused. I know the system can work for some kids and help them. But the social workers and the CPS system need to get some common sense. Stop going after people who spank and go after the REAL abusers. Go after the real criminals, and leave the rest of us alone to raise our kids. They need to come up with way to do so as not to bother the rest of us that are merely trying to raise our kids decently.

That woman who is being PERSECUTED should get a good Christian bulldog lawyer, and sue the pants off 'em. She is being persecuted and bullied. It is NOT illegal to teach your child that certain ways of life are wrong. You also should teach your child to love the person and treat them decently, despite your beliefs. I have an uncle who is gay. He knows how I feel about it, and we respect and love each other. I don't hate him. I don't hate anyone. And he is not upset with me. It is amazing how if you don't think a certain way of life is right, you are labeled "intolerant", but if you go to a Christian church, and have certain beliefs, it is ok for others to not be "tolerant" of you. Strange.


ITA
You said it better then I ever could have.

[wubbywa]

My opinion on CPS is they are a wate. They never check into the children that are living in horrible situations. I have never seen them do anything to get a child out of the home they give parents chance after chance same thing with wrap around what a waste.

[Tasha405]

It seems that your hubby has said something to make them want to investigate your household. Ask him what was said so that you will know what you are dealing with. I hope everything is worked out.

[momfromTN]

Smells like a witch hunt to me. Remind me NEVER to go to counseling for any reason. LOL!

Seriously, Tasha is right. Please find out what was said so you can get the stuff to stop before something happens. They can be ruthless, even on something benign.

[MamaFairal]

Originally posted by Tasha405
It seems that your hubby has said something to make them want to investigate your household. Ask him what was said so that you will know what you are dealing with. I hope everything is worked out.

ITA.......

Not to jump your thread but.......those of you that remember my 16 yr old just came to Mo after being removed from her fathers(yes the same one i just had here visitin)in Cali last yr all because..........

Her 7 yrs old brother was making sexual remarks at school to other kids so they thought something was going on at the home....They ended up removing all three kids and splitting them apart. The 15 yr old son(not my ex's)is at his dads..Jax is here with me...and the ex's wife and son have had to leave the home and get an apt all because a$$hole ex refuses to not agree to have porno's in the home..he says its his right!
He would rather give up his wife/kid than his movies...go figure!

*your situation~
I totally think it has something to do with him being a step dad and having a porn problem as you said.......Be careful and keep us posted.

Now back to YOUR thread!(sorry)

[schsa]

Counselling is not confidential if there is a crime involved. In that case the social worker or therapist is under obligation to report it. So your husband has said or indicated something that lead the counsellor to report this to DSS.

I believe that they should have the right to question your child in a safe enviroment. I believe that too many children live in dangerous situations where they are afraid to talk to anyone and they end up being abused or neglected. We have too many children who DSS overlooks until the situation is so bad that a child dies.

As long as you have nothing to hide, let them talk to your child. I would prefer that then having them swoop down and take all of the children out of the home before they can confirm that something is wrong.

These decisions are never easy.

[cleaningla]

Originally posted by KeliMom
I need some advice/opinions, and I'm still fairly new to posting here, so please bear with me.

DH started counseling this past Friday, he has issues with porn, arguing with my daughter all the time, and our marriage is in the toilet (pretty much). They told him that if anything "illegal" was going on in the house, they'd have to report it to the authorities.... isn't counseling supposed to be confidential?

Anyway, DD comes home from school, says someone from Children Services came in to talk to her today, that the Principal sat in on it all, and she asked all kinds of questions... "Do you get enough food to eat in your house?" "Does your Stepdad ever beat you or your brother?" "Do you know the difference between good and bad touches?"... She also told DD that she would be calling me, she never did. When we got home, there was a card with her name on it in the front door.

First, don't you think they should've called me before "grilling" my daughter? I certainly don't have anything to hide, but I would think because she is a minor that they would need to notify me? And now the Principal being involved.... I don't think it was any of her business.

I'm wondering what is going to happen next, and why Children Services is getting involved to begin with. Guess I'll find out tomorrow when I call her... :rolleyes:


KISS HER BUTT and then kiss her butt some more!

The rights of the child supercede the rights of the parents, when it comes to the best interest of children, parents have no rights.

I'm telling you, kiss her butt.

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by cleaningla
KISS HER BUTT and then kiss her butt some more!

The rights of the child supercede the rights of the parents, when it comes to the best interest of children, parents have no rights.

I'm telling you, kiss her butt.

Isn't that sad how you have to kiss someone's butt like that? Why did they have to be sneaky? They could have talked to the mother FIRST, then decided from there and THEN talked to the child, but oh NOOOOO. I hope she finds out they DID violate rights and sues them. Especially if there is nothing going on that they should be concerned about. Sometimes you have a decent worker who does her/his job and then leaves you alone. Then you have the proverbial "witch hunter" who is out for blood. I say get an attorney. You DO have rights.

[Vertigo]

Some scary stuff happening. I could be accused of abuse as I smoke in front of my kids, I frequently raise my voice, drink alcoholic beverages and let them stay up till 11pm on friday's and saturdays. Maybe your spouse talked about porn and the counselor felt there might be sexually explicit items laying around in plain view or something? Can you seperate at all so he has little contact with the kids? Good luck.

[freeby4me]

My idea is going to be out of the norm but I think i should put it out there for a different view. Instead of looking at it as something horrible, Look at it like a good thing. (bear with me)
Imagine if little "joey" came home and told you that little "suzie" who sits in front of him in class has been acting real strange lately. She's always asking for food because she's hungry and joey even noticed a couple of bruises on the back of her arms. He's very alarmed. You decide with everything said (theres more) that it would be in the best interest for you to call CPS for the little girl. They go and investigate and it just ends up being something real normal, Nothing wrong but they went and talked to suzie before her parents. I know you'd feel bad about calling and it turning out to be nothing but what if it wasnt nothing? You could have saved little suzie from starving and being abused.
Thats all thats happening right now. Someone seen something thats alarming and they're making sure everything is OK. Be glad that they are, The way they do their job may save some little boy or girl.

(the above story is completely unreal, Never happened and is in no way a re-inactment of anything)

[momfromTN]

There has got to be a better way.:(

[silvermist]

Originally posted by momfromTN
Isn't that sad how you have to kiss someone's butt like that? Why did they have to be sneaky? They could have talked to the mother FIRST, then decided from there and THEN talked to the child, but oh NOOOOO. I hope she finds out they DID violate rights and sues them. Especially if there is nothing going on that they should be concerned about. Sometimes you have a decent worker who does her/his job and then leaves you alone. Then you have the proverbial "witch hunter" who is out for blood. I say get an attorney. You DO have rights.

I think it's just better to be SAFE than SORRY. I don't know how many of you have read the "Child Called It" but if any of you have it illustrates the point. The child is NOT going to speak if they are being abused in FRONT of their parents. Or if their parents have time to control them. Act nice to them for a while, than beat the h*** out of them after CPS is gone. Put them in a room full of ammonia. Make them eat garbage. And repeat the cycle. Even though some cases may be mere air, some aren't. I don't believe CPS should ever ask the parents for permission... And talking to the mother is illustrated in the book as well. Of course the "mother figure" is going to sound more sane in that given circumstance even if she is guilty. Thus the CPS go away and the child endures more pain. That is why many abusers don't even get caught. I think if some of you read the book you'd stand a "mere" trouble even if nothing wrong is going on in your house and think about it as some good it might do some child in another family. And some parents such in case, either mother or father might not know what the wife/dad is doing to their child as I've read about cases of that many times as well. The child might be too afraid to tell the other parent what is happening.

I do not see CPS taking children without fair reasons unless they live in really untolerable conditions for a child. I doubt they'll steal children from hospitals anytime soon... And what about the times CPS did basically nothing? I think CPS has come a long ways from back than. Either peopl complaining they're doing nothing or too much it seems.

In the end it's all done for the SAFETY of your child. That's my opinion anywho.

[KeliMom]

Wow! Such good discussions, and I see everyone's points! I did call the Caseworker this morning at 9am, she never called me back... :rolleyes: So I still don't know what's going on.

I understand how if parents get forewarned they might tell their kids to lie or whatever, but she could've called me on her way to school and let me know what was going to happen, and I would have no way to get ahold of my daughter and tell her to lie or whatever.

And I did ask DH what he said that could've sparked this all, he told me what he remembered, but nothing seemed "illegal" enough to warrant this. And no, there is no porn laying around and he doesn't do drugs or anything like that... lol :p

One thing that does bug me though, our new neighbors are dealing drugs, I've seen them. I've called the Narcotics unit and reported them. The first time, they took my info, the neighbors info, and I did tell them that the neighbors have 2 small children. Absolutely nothing happened from this! I called back about 6 months later to report it was still going on, and no one ever called me back. How sad! :(

[KeliMom]

Sorry, I hit submit without thinking, and I wasn't done! lol!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for all the good wishes. I guess no news is good news???

I still think it was rude of her not to call me back. Thanks again!

[momfromTN]

I hope they find a better and more efficient way to handle these cases.

[cleaningla]

Originally posted by KeliMom
Sorry, I hit submit without thinking, and I wasn't done! lol!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for all the good wishes. I guess no news is good news???

I still think it was rude of her not to call me back. Thanks again!

It's possible that's the end of it or she may want to see you in person or see the home and come back, maybe not, but you should be prepared just in case.

[freeby4me]

By the sounds of everything you dont have anything to be worried about. I do agree with being especially nice to her though. Its just better that way. In a nice way, Bring up these neighbors who live next door and sell the drugs. Tell her what you've done so far for your childrens protection and that you havent really seen any action done yet on them. That'll be a plus on your side im sure. Let us know as soon as you can how things are going. We're here for you!

[advocate]

ACtually counselors dont have to report if a crime is involved, only if thier client is about to hurt themselves or others. A therapist I know has had clients tell her about murders they committed earlier and she is bound by law to keep thier secret, its only if there is an impending danger. You can confess all kinds of old crimes and the information cant be disclosed. Remember how much trouble there was because the Menendez brothers were thought to have confessed to their psych after they killed thier parents. It was not admissible, however if they had told him beforehand they were going to kill him, they would have been bound to report it.

[irrelevant0]

if there is porn involved, there should be an investigation. that trash shouldn't be around children.

[CatrinaF25]

"I do not see CPS taking children without fair reasons unless they live in really untolerable conditions for a child. I doubt they'll steal children from hospitals anytime soon... And what about the times CPS did basically nothing? I think CPS has come a long ways from back than. Either peopl complaining they're doing nothing or too much it seems."


sorry I hope i dont step on any toes but this happens everyday in the world. Kids are taken for NO REASSON at all. sad :( but also kids are not taken when need to be taken! *sigh*
and no matter what state you live in . in Usa you can have a written letter left at your childs school that say noone can speak to them with out you there even cps! dhs or what ever your state calls it

[cleaningla]

Originally posted by KeliMom
I need some advice/opinions, and I'm still fairly new to posting here, so please bear with me.

DH started counseling this past Friday, he has issues with porn, arguing with my daughter all the time, and our marriage is in the toilet (pretty much). They told him that if anything "illegal" was going on in the house, they'd have to report it to the authorities.... isn't counseling supposed to be confidential?

Anyway, DD comes home from school, says someone from Children Services came in to talk to her today, that the Principal sat in on it all, and she asked all kinds of questions... "Do you get enough food to eat in your house?" "Does your Stepdad ever beat you or your brother?" "Do you know the difference between good and bad touches?"... She also told DD that she would be calling me, she never did. When we got home, there was a card with her name on it in the front door.

First, don't you think they should've called me before "grilling" my daughter? I certainly don't have anything to hide, but I would think because she is a minor that they would need to notify me? And now the Principal being involved.... I don't think it was any of her business.

I'm wondering what is going to happen next, and why Children Services is getting involved to begin with. Guess I'll find out tomorrow when I call her... :rolleyes:

I reread your post,do you know for a fact that the counselor made the report? Have you been fighting with anyone (those nieghbors)? I can't remember if you said you called the police on them, if you did, maybe they found out and this is retaliatory.

Okay, I found it:

One thing that does bug me though, our new neighbors are dealing drugs, I've seen them. I've called the Narcotics unit and reported them. The first time, they took my info, the neighbors info, and I did tell them that the neighbors have 2 small children. Absolutely nothing happened from this! I called back about 6 months later to report it was still going on, and no one ever called me back. How sad!

Could have been the nieghbors that called. That's what gets me the most, anybody can call and make all kinds of allegations and do it anonamously. :mad:

[justme23]

Originally posted by momfromTN
Isn't that sad how you have to kiss someone's butt like that? Why did they have to be sneaky? They could have talked to the mother FIRST, then decided from there and THEN talked to the child, but oh NOOOOO. I hope she finds out they DID violate rights and sues them. Especially if there is nothing going on that they should be concerned about. Sometimes you have a decent worker who does her/his job and then leaves you alone. Then you have the proverbial "witch hunter" who is out for blood. I say get an attorney. You DO have rights.

I don't mean to be rude or confrontational... but what if something WAS happening in that house? I grew up in a house where I got beat every day and child services only made one attempt to help me. My father told them they'd sue them if they ever returned and of course they never did... leaving me there w/ even worse beatings. Would you think in a situation such as that that the parents should be visited first, where of course they are going to lie and then things are going to be that much worse for the child? Now I'm not saying CPS is always right... I watched my cousin get reported for swatting her stepchild on the behind ONE time and almost losing him. That was rediculous, yes... and thankfully they figured out there was no abuse fairly quick and left them be... but not all situations are not that way and anyone who has been in an abusive situation KNOWS not to tell or it gets worse and if you do tell you better hope you manage to get out of there or ... you know, your father could strangle you until you pass out!

Obviously I am biased due to my own situation and while I do believe *some* spanking is ok, not all situations are just mere 2 or 3 swat spankings that hurt egos more than bodies... and in those cases, NO, the parent SHOULD NOT be contacted first!

Edited to add: Just to be clear... when I say beating I'm not talking about spankings w/ a belt that left small welts and I was just mad and reported it. I'm talking about him sitting on my neck (yes, my neck, I couldn't cry because I could not breath quite litterally and he thought I should be spanked until I gave in and cried) and beating the living daylights out of me w/ wooden dowels. Several of them were broke over my back... I have a scar on my leg from being cut... I could only wear long sleeve shirts and long pants so no one could see. I had to sit on a pillow at all times. Now I won't pretend that I had the worst life ever... there are lots of kids out there that have it 1000 times worse than I did... and for their sake, I have to again say, I am glad they don't go to these parents first.

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by justme23
I don't mean to be rude or confrontational... but what if something WAS happening in that house? I grew up in a house where I got beat every day and child services only made one attempt to help me. My father told them they'd sue them if they ever returned and of course they never did... leaving me there w/ even worse beatings. Would you think in a situation such as that that the parents should be visited first, where of course they are going to lie and then things are going to be that much worse for the child? Now I'm not saying CPS is always right... I watched my cousin get reported for swatting her stepchild on the behind ONE time and almost losing him. That was rediculous, yes... and thankfully they figured out there was no abuse fairly quick and left them be... but not all situations are not that way and anyone who has been in an abusive situation KNOWS not to tell or it gets worse and if you do tell you better hope you manage to get out of there or ... you know, your father could strangle you until you pass out!

Obviously I am biased due to my own situation and while I do believe *some* spanking is ok, not all situations are just mere 2 or 3 swat spankings that hurt egos more than bodies... and in those cases, NO, the parent SHOULD NOT be contacted first!

Edited to add: Just to be clear... when I say beating I'm not talking about spankings w/ a belt that left small welts and I was just mad and reported it. I'm talking about him sitting on my neck (yes, my neck, I couldn't cry because I could not breath quite litterally and he thought I should be spanked until I gave in and cried) and beating the living daylights out of me w/ wooden dowels. Several of them were broke over my back... I have a scar on my leg from being cut... I could only wear long sleeve shirts and long pants so no one could see. I had to sit on a pillow at all times. Now I won't pretend that I had the worst life ever... there are lots of kids out there that have it 1000 times worse than I did... and for their sake, I have to again say, I am glad they don't go to these parents first.

The system failed you. I am so sorry you went thru what you did. The system also failed your cousin and people I wrote about. Obviously there has to be a better way to handle these things. I wish I had the answers.

[KeliMom]

Well, the caseworker finally called me this morning. She said they had to get involved because of what DH said to the counselor (??) and that she didn't expect charges after talking to DD because there wasn't anything going on. But she did make an appt to come and talk to DH with a detective tomorrow. Basically just to let him know what COULD happen in the future if anything happens. I guess this will wake him up real quick and at least we won't have to worry about the porn stuff. Which, btw, was only on the computer, he doesn't have anything in the house otherwise.

For those of you who posted about having to go through abuse and such, I'm so sorry that all this happened to you. I know the system isn't foolproof, but gosh I wish it was!

Take care all!

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by KeliMom
Well, the caseworker finally called me this morning. She said they had to get involved because of what DH said to the counselor (??) and that she didn't expect charges after talking to DD because there wasn't anything going on. But she did make an appt to come and talk to DH with a detective tomorrow. Basically just to let him know what COULD happen in the future if anything happens. I guess this will wake him up real quick and at least we won't have to worry about the porn stuff. Which, btw, was only on the computer, he doesn't have anything in the house otherwise.

For those of you who posted about having to go through abuse and such, I'm so sorry that all this happened to you. I know the system isn't foolproof, but gosh I wish it was!

Take care all!

You know, I don't like porn. To me, it is disgusting. But, if a grown person wants to look at it, as long as it is where kids cannot get to it and does not depict children (puke), what concern is that of CPS? It is still legal in the US to have access to porn, as distasteful as I think that is.

[freeby4me]

Thank you for the update. Im glad things are working out for the best for you. Yes, Hopefully DH will wake up real fast and realize he cant say certain things even though he may want to. Keep us up on everything.

[Azriel_LittleHawk]

wow.. once again momfromTN we agree! from what i have seen, it's worse if your poor. if you have $$? you will hardly EVER get a visit from CPS. mind this is what i have seen with my relatives and freinds who have a bit of financial backing and the ones who have lil or no $$. as well as personal experience.
CPS is a complete and utter joke folks! see, heres the scoop.. the kids who need help the most? have been so beat down , wether physical or emotional or otherwise, they are too damn terrified to say anything!!
so basicaly what you have are the kids who has parents who tend not to give em everything , and said kid not get their way,... well.. suddenly their parents are in trouble.

it's HS!!! CPS, might do good for one kid out of say 500 or more.. but for real..those that need the help most never get it unless of course a sibling dies or they come to "natioanl attention" then it's whoa is the child. and suddenly the p[arent is in a "whitch hunt" sitch.
hello been there , CPS, their services are often abused by non custodial parents, trying to cause greif for the custodial parent. <--as in my sitch several years ago) like clockwork, a court date is coming? regarding paternity or ChSpt? well.. get ready cause here comes CPS!! i think after the 7th time they were called on me, and i threatened to sue not only the director but the entire CPS system. it's been oh.. geesh..3 yrs since i have sen hide nor hair..and i am DAMN glad.
i never argued with these people, always welcomed them into my home..and guess what..EVERY FRICKIN TIME??? 2 weeks to the day! i got a "GEE WE SURE ARE SORRY WE BOTHERED YOU letter!!!
and in that entire time? i have met 2 caseworkers/invesigaters who actualy gave a F**K about the kids/the FAMILY!!!
CPS is a SCAM folks. as far as i am concerned they are one arm of the secret police. *L8 i know silly sounding, but.. just one more area where the rights of the people are being slowly leached away.
**falling off me soap box, an limpong away "OWIE!!"**

take care y'all!
ciao!
Az
PS: as for the OP of this thread? DOCUMENT THE HELL OUT OF EVERYTHING !!! DATES TIMES, WHAT WAS THE REASON...HARD COPY OF THE INTERVIEWS IF POSSIBLE..
first rule of SOCIAL WORK?

CYA

(COVER YOUR A*S)

[freeby4me]

Without going into everything I just want to say that i disagree with you Azriel_LittleHawk. They do good things. Just like the police do good things. Doesnt stop the drug dealers from yelling that their rights were violated in some way though. Things will happen. Telling her to document everything and act like they're the devil trying to ruin her life is a little overboard. From what i've read so far, CPS is doing everything to the book in this situation. Thats just my opinion though.

[Dolly<3]

(((((JustMe)))))

KeliMom, I can't PM you. I wanted to ask you if you've ever lived in Texas? You sound like someone I used to know. :)

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by freeby4me
Without going into everything I just want to say that i disagree with you Azriel_LittleHawk. They do good things. Just like the police do good things. Doesnt stop the drug dealers from yelling that their rights were violated in some way though. Things will happen. Telling her to document everything and act like they're the devil trying to ruin her life is a little overboard. From what i've read so far, CPS is doing everything to the book in this situation. Thats just my opinion though.

It doesn't hurt to cover your own butt and document things. Why shouldn't she? While this situation might be ok, you can NEVER totally put your trust in these agencies.

[EMSnurse]

My 3 yr old granddaughter was murdered because the only people who saw her bruises were afraid to get involved in "the system." Now, I fully believe that Children's Services is a financially motivated, corporate entity that puts the dollar before the child, but they are a necessary evil. ALL parents think they are doing a fine job, no matter what things go on in their home. As much as I detest Children's Services, I believe that they absolutely should talk to any child whose safety is in question, and do so without the parents knowledge. If they would actually do that more often, more kids might still be alive. I used to work for an agency whose policy was to tell the mothers that we were calling Children's services. Guess what the mothers did? They ran into the night, never to be seen again. Guess what I did? Quit that job because I couldn't bear knowing that those kids were somewhere still being abused. Let them do their job. If nothing is going on, it will all come out in the end. It might be a hassle along the way, but it's the price we pay to protect the ones that actually need help.

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by EMSnurse
My 3 yr old granddaughter was murdered because the only people who saw her bruises were afraid to get involved in "the system." Now, I fully believe that Children's Services is a financially motivated, corporate entity that puts the dollar before the child, but they are a necessary evil. ALL parents think they are doing a fine job, no matter what things go on in their home. As much as I detest Children's Services, I believe that they absolutely should talk to any child whose safety is in question, and do so without the parents knowledge. If they would actually do that more often, more kids might still be alive. I used to work for an agency whose policy was to tell the mothers that we were calling Children's services. Guess what the mothers did? They ran into the night, never to be seen again. Guess what I did? Quit that job because I couldn't bear knowing that those kids were somewhere still being abused. Let them do their job. If nothing is going on, it will all come out in the end. It might be a hassle along the way, but it's the price we pay to protect the ones that actually need help.


(((EMSNurse))))
I know they need to protect kids and take calls seriously. My only real gripe is the way they seem to go after people who merely spank and Christian people with a vengeance, like the lady who decided she wasn't a lesbian and wants to raise her child her way. I have seen it and I know of what I speak of. I also know when they do not take it seriously when my sister was allowing her 2 yr old son outside by himself. Thankfully nothing happened to him. I only wish I could come up with a way to protect kids without harassing decent people.

[Jean17764]

sorry to hear -Prayers are with you

[Azriel_LittleHawk]

i am so sorry for yourt loss. but.. in no way did i say not to report it if anyone knows of abuse.. what i did say was , that in my experience, the agency wastes time. i mean after coming to my home for the 3rd time..on the same persons report, with the same tired complaints.. i mean c'mon!! they havea friggin dtaabase there.. you'd think that aftert so many times of the "gee we sure are sorry" they'd figure out my kids are ok....
like i said.. the ones who need it the most..well, they rarely getthe help..due to the severity of the abuse.
at one point i posted about a freind of mine turning from my freinship..and to another who i have SEEEN abuse her children.. others have seen it.. and yes WE ALL REPORTED IT!! but this "person" was .. VERY agressive.. so whenever a ccaseworker showed up? she made em back down..and she had her kids so screwed up..the lil ones wouldn't know the truth if it slapped em in da face!!
so.. please..when i say i have a bit of experience, i mean it...

good luck!
once again..i am so sorry for your loss..

[felice]

Be careful with CPS, as others have said document everything! If possible tape record the visit, be very wary of anything they ask you to sign. I know CPS should be there to protect ACTUAL abuse, if only they worked that way. It seems the children who are really being abused, are placed back with parents time and time again. CPS prey on families who don't understand the system fully. Everything you say will be under scrutiny, do not for one instant think that the caseworker or detective are on your side. Here is my own personal story of dealing with CPS...

Last year my son's music teacher asked him about his eczema, he has it really bad in the key eczema places *inner arms and legs* He was 6 and highly self conscious about them and he made up a story that I used duct tape to bind his arms and legs and mouth! That removing the tape left these eczema sores. Mind you at the time I had told the school all about his eczema, and how to treat it. His prescription cream was lost TWICE at school so I refused to send any more *Cost is 80. per tube and wasn't covered by insurance* Without checking with the principal or anyone else the music teacher brought it upon herself to call CPS at once. They interviewed him at length at school w/o my consent. After a CPS worker and detective came to my apt.

I am a single mother who has no support from the father whatsoever and at the time was truly down on my luck. Months earlier I had upstairs neighbours who had flooded their apartment as well as my own. Not having renter's insurance and no help from the apartment all of my living room furniture was RUINED and I had no way at all to replace it.

They forced their way inside, I knew to be afraid of them and let them in willingly, after all they said I had duct taped my child and I wanted to prove that I was innocent, and didn't even possess duct tape at ALL. They found I had a cat box in a spare bathroom and told me that if I had a small child they would have taken the child away b/c of the cat box. They tried to tell me my mentally healthy 6 y/o DS was most likely eating out of the cat box *Where this comes from I have no idea!* They made a total mess of my apt looking all over for duct tape, not only did they not find any they couldn't find any kind of tape whatsoever. They said since my son said it happened in the bedroom I probably sexually molested him. (We watch television in the bedroom as at the time we had NO couch) They told me I was not normal for not possessing a couch and I was psychologically damaging my son by not owning one. They berated me for 2 hours trying to get me to confess to binding my child, even with no duct tape to prove their claims. The detective *Who was over 6 ft* and the CPS worker who appeared to be in her early 20's backed me into a corner and were screaming at me and telling me what a bad mother I was.

I had always been raised to respect people, and being extremely shy I didn't know how to deal with this invasion. I ended up crying telling them to leave. They wrote down that I was emotionally unstable and extremely depressed b/c of my crying and begging them to leave. Mind you they didn't put down that they had cornered me and were so close on me I could feel their spit as they yelled degrading remarks at me.

I thought everything would be fine however in the end. I had proof dating back to when my DS was 6 months old that he had been treated for eczema, even completed a clinical study for Elidel only 3 months earlier. A CPS investigator met with me in my home a month later. She was a lot nicer, older and seemed to have a head...moreso than the 20 y/o who had no children. Except this woman berated me as well, we had no furniture in the living room...this is highly abnormal, I had proof that at one time we DID have furniture and my ceiling shows proof that it was indeed flooded. I had a picture of Van Gogh one with a skeleton smoking a rolled cigarette. I used it to show my son that smoking was bad. This woman swore up and down that the skeleton was smoking a JOINT and I advocated drug use. I explained that marboros did not exist in Van Goghs time and they had to roll their cigarettes. She told me it wasn't normal for my DS not to have a Bike. *We live in an apt and there is few places to ride a bike safely...beside the fact he didn't want one* and that next time she saw me she wanted him to have one. I found out later they had tapped my phones as well!

In the end 1.5 years after this "Investigation" is not closed. They have never contacted my son or myself in any way. Yet when I call and ask them to please close the case they refuse for some reason. It has been a complete mess, one I will never forget. Maybe I am wrong and their suggestions are reasonable, I am left dumbfounded that such a team of people exist. If I didn't hear so much about child abuse slipping through the cracks...at the same time they were giving me problems a small infant was being abused so bad when it was finally taken to hospital most of it's bones had been broken, the baby burned in places...just completely disgusting. We find out later CPS was called many MANY times to investigate and they never did! We live in the same county, seeing how diligent they were with me, you would think something would have been done to save this poor little baby. It leaves me dumbfounded.

I pray for you, and hope that things are different in your case. Just remember to document everything, follow up and don't let them walk all over you.

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by felice
Be careful with CPS, as others have said document everything! If possible tape record the visit, be very wary of anything they ask you to sign. I know CPS should be there to protect ACTUAL abuse, if only they worked that way. It seems the children who are really being abused, are placed back with parents time and time again. CPS prey on families who don't understand the system fully. Everything you say will be under scrutiny, do not for one instant think that the caseworker or detective are on your side. Here is my own personal story of dealing with CPS...

Last year my son's music teacher asked him about his eczema, he has it really bad in the key eczema places *inner arms and legs* He was 6 and highly self conscious about them and he made up a story that I used duct tape to bind his arms and legs and mouth! That removing the tape left these eczema sores. Mind you at the time I had told the school all about his eczema, and how to treat it. His prescription cream was lost TWICE at school so I refused to send any more *Cost is 80. per tube and wasn't covered by insurance* Without checking with the principal or anyone else the music teacher brought it upon herself to call CPS at once. They interviewed him at length at school w/o my consent. After a CPS worker and detective came to my apt.

I am a single mother who has no support from the father whatsoever and at the time was truly down on my luck. Months earlier I had upstairs neighbours who had flooded their apartment as well as my own. Not having renter's insurance and no help from the apartment all of my living room furniture was RUINED and I had no way at all to replace it.

They forced their way inside, I knew to be afraid of them and let them in willingly, after all they said I had duct taped my child and I wanted to prove that I was innocent, and didn't even possess duct tape at ALL. They found I had a cat box in a spare bathroom and told me that if I had a small child they would have taken the child away b/c of the cat box. They tried to tell me my mentally healthy 6 y/o DS was most likely eating out of the cat box *Where this comes from I have no idea!* They made a total mess of my apt looking all over for duct tape, not only did they not find any they couldn't find any kind of tape whatsoever. They said since my son said it happened in the bedroom I probably sexually molested him. (We watch television in the bedroom as at the time we had NO couch) They told me I was not normal for not possessing a couch and I was psychologically damaging my son by not owning one. They berated me for 2 hours trying to get me to confess to binding my child, even with no duct tape to prove their claims. The detective *Who was over 6 ft* and the CPS worker who appeared to be in her early 20's backed me into a corner and were screaming at me and telling me what a bad mother I was.

I had always been raised to respect people, and being extremely shy I didn't know how to deal with this invasion. I ended up crying telling them to leave. They wrote down that I was emotionally unstable and extremely depressed b/c of my crying and begging them to leave. Mind you they didn't put down that they had cornered me and were so close on me I could feel their spit as they yelled degrading remarks at me.

I thought everything would be fine however in the end. I had proof dating back to when my DS was 6 months old that he had been treated for eczema, even completed a clinical study for Elidel only 3 months earlier. A CPS investigator met with me in my home a month later. She was a lot nicer, older and seemed to have a head...moreso than the 20 y/o who had no children. Except this woman berated me as well, we had no furniture in the living room...this is highly abnormal, I had proof that at one time we DID have furniture and my ceiling shows proof that it was indeed flooded. I had a picture of Van Gogh one with a skeleton smoking a rolled cigarette. I used it to show my son that smoking was bad. This woman swore up and down that the skeleton was smoking a JOINT and I advocated drug use. I explained that marboros did not exist in Van Goghs time and they had to roll their cigarettes. She told me it wasn't normal for my DS not to have a Bike. *We live in an apt and there is few places to ride a bike safely...beside the fact he didn't want one* and that next time she saw me she wanted him to have one. I found out later they had tapped my phones as well!

In the end 1.5 years after this "Investigation" is not closed. They have never contacted my son or myself in any way. Yet when I call and ask them to please close the case they refuse for some reason. It has been a complete mess, one I will never forget. Maybe I am wrong and their suggestions are reasonable, I am left dumbfounded that such a team of people exist. If I didn't hear so much about child abuse slipping through the cracks...at the same time they were giving me problems a small infant was being abused so bad when it was finally taken to hospital most of it's bones had been broken, the baby burned in places...just completely disgusting. We find out later CPS was called many MANY times to investigate and they never did! We live in the same county, seeing how diligent they were with me, you would think something would have been done to save this poor little baby. It leaves me dumbfounded.

I pray for you, and hope that things are different in your case. Just remember to document everything, follow up and don't let them walk all over you.


YEP Exactly. Witch hunt.

[CatrinaF25]

http://fostersurvivor.netfirms.com/catrinastory.shtml

[CatrinaF25]

oh also I now have 6 attorneys thank GOSH and been told they will all settle. But my son will always be blind.. DHS DOES DO SOME GOOD and some harm