Why Does My Little Girl Lie So Much???

[MISSYNAUGLE]

MY 8 YEAR OLD FOSTER DAUGHTER COMES HOME FROM SCHOOL TODAY AND HER HAIR WAS EVER SO GREASY LOOKING, BUT I DIDNT THINK ANYTHING OF IT BECAUSE SHE HAD A HAT ON AND I FIGURED SHE WAS SWEATY. THEN I BEGIN TO SMELL THIS PERFUME ODOR WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT SHE TOTALLY DENIES EVERYTHING.SO I SMELL HER HAIR AND GUESS WHAT? IT SMELLED HORRIBLE, JUST LIKE PERFUME OR SOMETHING. WHEN I ASKED HER WHAT THAT SMELL IN HER HAIR WAS SHE SAID I DON'T KNOW. I ASKED HER WHAT DID YOU PUT IN YOUR HAIR AND SHE SAID NOTHING. WELL AFTER 20 MINUTES OF HER LOOKING RIGHT AT ME LYING TO MY FACE SHE SAID SHE PUT LOTION IN HER HAIR ON THE BUS IN THE MORNING. SO SHE WENT ALL DAY AT SCHOOL WITH HER HAIR LOOKING LIKE IT HAS NOT BEEN WASHED IN 2 WEEKS AND REEKING FROM THIS LOTION.WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS WHY DOES SHE FEEL THE NEED TO LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE ALL THE TIME? SHE HAS LIVED WITH ME AND MY HUSNAMD FOR 2 YEARS NOW AND WE ARE GOING TO ADOPT HER AS SOON AS SHE IS LEGALLY FREE AND SHE CALLS US MOMMY AND DADDY AND TELLS US HOW MUCH SHE LOVES US BUT I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. EVEN HER THERAPIST TRYS TO UNDERSTAND HER AND HELP HER BUT SHE CONTINUES TO DO IT. DOES ANYONE HAVE A SOLUTION? I DON'T EXPECT IT TO STOP BUT I WOULD LIKE FOR IT TO TONE DOWN SOME. ANY HELP IS APPRECIATED. THANKS.

[MamaFairal]

SHE"S 8...to begin with..and will probably outgrow it ??

JMO ;)

[MISSYNAUGLE]

OH I HOPE SO. SHE HAS ALOT OF ISSUES FOR AN 8 YEAR OLD BECAUSE OF HER PAST HISTORY, BUT I REALLY THINK HER LYING IS EXSESSIVE. I GUESS TIME WILL TELL. THANKS FOR THE REPLY.

[twinkiesmom]

I'm in the same boat. A few months ago, I started taking things away from em for 3 days at a time for things like not listening, lying, etc. I have a separate calendar that I write down things that are taken away on each day. Each time they do wrong, I take something away. ds has black ink, dd blue ink. Things that get written on the calendar are PS2, PC, TV, snack, etc. When I run out of those things to take away, I'll tack on another 3 days of PS2, PC, Tv. So it's up to them to listen, not lie, etc. Otherwise, I take things away.

[MISSYNAUGLE]

I HAVE TRIED THAT SO MANY TIMES AND HER THERAPIST SAID TO MAKE HER WRITE LIKE 50 TIMES I WILL NOT LIE AND IVE TRIED THAT, BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK WITH THIS CHILD, AND I HATE TO SEEM SO MEAN BUT SHE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN'T LIE ALL THE TIME OR NO ONE WILL EVER BELIEVE HER. I DO LIKE YOUR CALANDER IDEA THOUGH AND MAYBE I WILL TRY THAT. IF SHE ACTUALLY SEE'S HOW MUCH SHE'S LYING MAYBE SHE'LL TRY HARDER. THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY.

[twinkiesmom]

Good luck. DS just got a new PS2 racing game not too long ago. Kinda sux for him that he's working on 6 days of no PS2, lol but I do see a difference on how they listen. (that was my biggest problem) I also use the calendar if ds messes up in school. I work at the school and I usually hear about how he had a problem w/listening, etc. So then because of it, I'll take away say like the PC for today, tomorrow and the following day. So they pretty much know if they blow it, they'll pay for it.

[kidzpca]

Hate to burst your bubble, but my 12 year old lies all the time and we have been working on correction/consequences for lies for 8 years now.

I agree with taking priviledges away.

It really is a continuous work in progress to teach right from wrong etc.

I just do my best to show that if my kids tell the truth most likely they will avoid most trouble as long as they are honest from the beginning. Lies just beget more lies and get them in deeper trouble.

Best of Luck to you.

[Sparkli]

maybe she lies because she thinks she is going to get in trouble for what she did wrong? and maybe she is afraid that you will be mad at her for what she did wrong...

tammy

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

Originally posted by tdeloach1
maybe she lies because she thinks she is going to get in trouble for what she did wrong? and maybe she is afraid that you will be mad at her for what she did wrong...

tammy

I don't know about that, my son would bold face lie,we would tell him we know you are lying,so just tell the truth and there will be less punishment...nope,he opted for the punishment..why??

Now I tell my kids, "If I ask a question,it's because I already know the answer, so it's up to you to tell the truth or not,if you don't,it will be worse then if you do"

My speech seems to do the trick.

Good luck,tough situation.I'm glad she/you has a therapist to talk to.

[MsLynn]

my middle son is 8 and does he same thing

[FireFox1973]

My 11 year old does the same. I mean, he's not even good at it! He fools his mom, she is a bone head (I am step mom). I think having her believe him encourages it. My oldest has ADHD, so it makes the lies worse. I firmly believes it is done to make conversation, as well as get attention. Children crave attention, even when it is negative!
Per the therapist, I have a list. For every thing completed, they get a check mark & points. Points can be cashed in for rewards. If I "catch them being good" ie doing extra w/o being asked or a general raok, I let them "earn back" a missed check mark. Lying/rude remarks warrent ASAP punishment. I call that the "manual labor" punishment. I find an awful household chore (cleaning the litter box etc.) and they have to do it.
Just passing on things that work for us. The most important factor is my husband and I are a united front, we both take the same stand on rules and punishments, and that is a biggie. My 11 year old still lies, but it has greatly improved, and gets better every week.
Good luck!

[amysusi]

Originally posted by MamaFairal
SHE"S 8...to begin with..and will probably outgrow it ??

JMO ;)

You mean this is not going to go away anytime soon? DS #1 has started big time and he's only 6. It's rubbing off on DS #2 and he's 4. Occasionally he will eventually admit to the truth and then say he's sorry thinking all is right and fine. I told them the story of the boy who cried wolf yesterday, and told DH to not believe a word he says even if he knows it's truth. I'm hoping DS might get the hint, but now I'm starting to see how that can backfire

[Eyore]

Good luck to all who have children that lie. My daughter always lied to me about things. Even the smallest thing she would lie. She is now 21 and has not lived at home since she was 18. She still lies to me about things and alot of the things she lies about is small and silly things. I wonder if she will ever stop but I doubt it.

[ImaGApeach]

I do not have any advice other than what others have said-I have a DD that lies alot too
I was wondering if someone else could have done that to her hair on the bus and that she may be scared to say-Just something that I've experienced before with one of my DD-

[suzziq03]

I have a 12 yr old son that lies constantly, and now is 7 yr old sister is starting to do it too, thank goodness I have a 5 yr old that is the 'informer' and can let me know whats really going on!. if it wasnt for that i would be completely in dispare about it!. I am going to try out a few things posted on here and see if they work. and gl to you with your 8 yr old! I know how you feel! 2x over!

[becca_joy]

wishing you the best of luck with her :)

[llbriteyes]

I say, pick your battles. Lotion in the hair is not that big a deal. Nine year olds lie. Its actually a normal part of growing up. They see what they can get away with. They do outgrow it if it isn't made a HUGE deal of. I'm not saying to ignore it, just put it in proportion.

Linda

[lameduch27]

Originally posted by kidzpca
Hate to burst your bubble, but my 12 year old lies all the time and we have been working on correction/consequences for lies for 8 years now.

I agree with taking priviledges away.

It really is a continuous work in progress to teach right from wrong etc.

I just do my best to show that if my kids tell the truth most likely they will avoid most trouble as long as they are honest from the beginning. Lies just beget more lies and get them in deeper trouble.

Best of Luck to you.

Same here. My daughter is 12 and she has a bad problem in the lie deprtment. We've done everything,,taking away privileges,,writing 200 times, "When I lie to people, it makes it hard for them to trust me" I've explained to her til I'm blue in the face how her lying effects us all, how we don't lie to her, how if she doesn't tell the truth about something she's done wrong and instead tries to cover it with a lie,,her punishment doubles,,,etc...nothing works with her, but, I remain consistant with my rules,,,so we'll see.

[zitra]

Originally posted by MamaFairal
SHE"S 8...to begin with..and will probably outgrow it ??

JMO ;)

I agree. My son is 8, and is goign through this phase right now too..My son who is 10 went through the lying phase around that age too..Now that he is 10, he rarely is ever lies (well that I know of)...
As for the lotion thing..Sometimes if my hair is looking frizzy, I put a dab of lotion through my hiar (works kinda like conditioner)..Maybe that's why she did it..Maybe she lied, becuase she thought you would be mad about it?? IMO it's just lotion, no big deal, and is something that would wash out..Maybe she just needs reassured..Maybe just tell her, if you put something in your hair, just let me know, that you won't be mad, and will still love her, etc.

[Angelwings51]

My daughter is 12yrs old and does the same thing, she lies about the tiniest stupid things, it's always "I don't know".I think it's something they will eventually grow out of. Maybe they think they are going to get in trouble.

[twinkiesmom]

Originally posted by zitra
IMO it's just lotion, no big deal, and is something that would wash out..

JMO here. I don't think it was the lotion that made the OP mad. It was the idea of the lie.

k. did my trouble causing for the day . . . . .

[justme23]

Ok... I wasn't gonna post... but there seems to be something big here that no one seems to be taking into consideration. Up until 2 years ago this child was obviously living in a HORRIBLE situation and is now w/ her foster parents. We can only imagine what went on where she was since we have no facts... but I can tell you this... my father beat me for 'lying' all the time... Even when I was telling the truth he'd call me a liar and I'd get beat for it. It got to the point where I'd hide things (like your daughter did) out of sheer fear. And then when I got older I'd bold face lie to him just to piss him off since I knew he was gonna beat me either way. I'm 26 and have only in the past 3 or 4 years figured out that no one is going to beat me for makin mistakes anymore and I don't have to keep everything bottled up.

Anyways... if your little girl came from a situation anything close to the way mine was... when you know she's lying, instead of trying to convince her to tell you the truth just hug her and let her know that you love her no matter what. She'll eventually get to the point where she knows she doesn't have to lie because she'll know you won't hurt her.

I don't know what to say about it if her situation up until 2 years ago wasn't that. Just keep records and keep sharing it w/ her therapist... it sounds like you are doing everything a good parent would do for her.

[April78945]

Maybe someone else did it to her hair and she was embarrased. Did she tell you WHY she put lotion in her hair and hwere she got it? Kids can be cruel and I wouldn't be suprised if some little bully jerk put lotion in her hair on the bus...you should ask
Just my own opinion

[ezmoney163]

OK this is a big subject for me. First off my 7 1/2 year old is a cronic liar. She lies about anythign she can think of....so I am hoping it is a stage. She lies about brushing her teeth. She will go through all the motions acting like she did but really doesn't do it. ANd then with bad breath tell me no mommy I did do it. :rolleyes: ok yea I believe you and that breath. LOL She lies about washing her hair. She will not wash it and you know as a parent how to tell if they did or not. She lies about homework and about her teacher doing things like taking away her recess. she lies about her brother and about me doing things too. I have grounded her and taken away her favorite things but still to no avail. We have grounded her from birthday parties and her gameboy and TV and going places, but it doesnt matter. It infuriates me to the point I just have to walk away. I tell her dad and he tells me what do you want me to do about it??? I am not a miracle worker. :rooleyes: Yea but you are her dad, do something. I am at my wits end and do not know what else to do. I do not believe in beating my kids I grew up in a environment like that and will never put my children through that hell. I never acted like this when I was young I was scared to death to get in trouble. My kids will not be subject to that torture. So any other suggestions besides what I have done and what I will not do I would also appreciate it!!
Thansk!!

[ebgreen74]

Originally posted by justme23
Ok... I wasn't gonna post... but there seems to be something big here that no one seems to be taking into consideration. Up until 2 years ago this child was obviously living in a HORRIBLE situation and is now w/ her foster parents. We can only imagine what went on where she was since we have no facts... but I can tell you this... my father beat me for 'lying' all the time... Even when I was telling the truth he'd call me a liar and I'd get beat for it. It got to the point where I'd hide things (like your daughter did) out of sheer fear. And then when I got older I'd bold face lie to him just to piss him off since I knew he was gonna beat me either way. I'm 26 and have only in the past 3 or 4 years figured out that no one is going to beat me for makin mistakes anymore and I don't have to keep everything bottled up.

Anyways... if your little girl came from a situation anything close to the way mine was... when you know she's lying, instead of trying to convince her to tell you the truth just hug her and let her know that you love her no matter what. She'll eventually get to the point where she knows she doesn't have to lie because she'll know you won't hurt her.

I don't know what to say about it if her situation up until 2 years ago wasn't that. Just keep records and keep sharing it w/ her therapist... it sounds like you are doing everything a good parent would do for her.

I don't think that its no one is taking this possible scenario under consideration but that everyone is trying to assure the OP that ALOT of kids lie-not just kids that had a bad past like her foster daughter.

My step kids lie all the time too. Sometimes it seems like they would lie to you if you just asked them their name. I've always assumed its because their mother lies constantly, and she tends to always believe their lies too, so that gives them the idea it works. But who knows, maybe all kids just lie for some reason. I know I did it when I was a kid too-so did my sisters. I grew out of it, but 1 of my sisters NEVER did-she still lies about everything.

[matt111]

nature of the beast my dd went through lying from about 6 to 11 now we are outgrowing it oh and she was never very good at it LOL

[VALENA-)45]

KIDS LIED, CAUSE THEY WANT TO SEE HOW MUCH TROUBLE, THEY WILL GET INTO. MY MIDDLE SON WAS CHRONIC LIAR, TOO. ONE DAY I GOT TIRED OF THE LIES, AND I TOLD HIM " YOU CAN LIE TO THE POLICE, YOU CAN LIE TO YOUR TEACHER, YOU CAN LIE TO ANYBODY YOU WANT,TOO. BUT, I AM NOT THE ONE TO BE LYING TO. I AM YOUR MOTHER AND WHEN YOU GET INTO TROUBLE AND NEED HELP, I WILL BE THERE TO HELP YOU. BUT, YOU NEED TO TRY TELLING THE TRUTH INSTEAD OF LYING. A THIEF, WILL GET CAUGHT, AND SO DO LIERS." SURE ENOUGH, HE GOT INTO TROUBLE,AND HE LIED ABOUT IT AND WHEN I FOUND OUT, I GROUNDED HIM AND TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM HIM FOR A LONG TIME. AFTER TWO WEEKS HE WAS CRYING. AND ALL I DID WAS REPEAT WHAT I HAD SAID BEFORE. MY SON IS NOW 27 YEARS OLD AND THE LYING PROBLEM HE HAD IS GONE. LET YOUR CHILDREN KNOW THE CONSIQUINCES OF THEIR LIES AND LET THEM DECIDE THEIR OWN PUNISHMENT. AND YOU WILL SEE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR CHILDREN.

[queenangie]

Lying is not acceptable behavior.
This is a rule at our home and the consesquences/punishments have to be done consistently by the parents/adults.

Children need love and to know they are loved.

This little girl must have had a very difficult life early on
and is very blessed that she is now a member of your family.

Bad habits, we all know, are difficult to break.
Lying is a nasty habit that we need to discourage as parents.

Some children do get attention by lying.

Children also learn so much by our own actions and examples to them.
Tell your 8 yo, "We do expect truthful answers in this house.
Lying is not acceptable behavior."

My mother used the soap-in-the-mouth tip.
My choice would be time outs,
no tv/video games/computer,
or having to write, "I will tell the truth."
(More positive than writing "I will not lie.")

Luckily, I did not have
to resort to the soap with my own sons.

Maybe this is her 'crying out for something' because she is becoming a member of your family and needs
to know you will always be there for her......even when she lies.
Maybe it's an emotional issue for her.

I would give her extra hugs/kisses and attention. Call her a special nickname like "Our little sunshine".

Let us know how it goes.
Hugs,
Angie

[sahmsfreeb]

lying is a defense mechanism...
why she is using it is only clear to her and you.


but lying is also a perfectly normal stage of childhood. as adults look at how many times a day we lie. she may just be practicing or emulating what she sees going on in the world around her. parents, teachers, family,tv characters etc....

is lying aceptable??? no. my son lies. but i have explained to him that life will be worse for him if he lies. privlages are the first thing to go. my child and my life arent perfect lol :P but his lying is at a minimum now.. small stuff... teeth brushing etc...

please keep working with her therapist. she might be getting extremely scared that you will not go through with the adoption so she is testing your patience anyway she knows how. her self acceptance might be at an all time low. does she have friends at aschool?

but i also have a 7 year old boy (adhd odd) and lying is an everyday part of our lives. is he doing it to be malicious? no. lying is a part of self perservation. he doesnt want to get into trouble! lol!

gl!!!! prayers your way!

[justmehere]

I have 3 dd's and thank god I havent had this problem at least not really bad or an ongoing issue.
I feel for you parents that are battling it now.
Ya know as I set here and read the replies onething comes to my mind...maybe it is the way you are approaching the situation with the child???
What I mean is... ok when she came home with her hair looking greasy, you automaticly ask her what happened to her hair, and it sounds like she didnt want to tell ya for some reason.
Maybe if you acted and worded the whole situation different like...oh hi how was your day at school?, I hope ya had a good one and all was great. Look at her and say "hey your hair looks different"?? Do you like that style, do ya think it looks good on ya?, Smells different too, ok, . And just kinda blow it off, act like it is no big deal.
Then maybe in a hour or even bedtime she will discuss with you why she did what she did to her hair. Hope this makes sense???
I dont have the answer but I do know that some kids do things, just because?? And looking at the situation from a adults mind is sooo different than looking at a childs mind.
good Luck everyone.:)