Please tell me WHY ?

[BIGBOOBOO]

Hello , I've been in and out of these boards , mostly for the freebies, lol. But I have a question to ask , so here goes , I caught my new husband of 3 months watching porn , I was out doing the laundry and i came in the bedroom to get more quarters for the wash and what do i see the first thing (I"m sure you can imgaine),without me haveing to go into graphic detail , anyway I was sooooooooooooooooooooooo pissed off and hurt I fled the room. Later he told me he was sorry and didn't mean to disrepect me, so he deleted all of the porn from the computer , well i guess respect only goes so far , I mean i'm not a prude and would glady watch with him , but I feel watching them behind my back is still disrepectful, this morning I pretended that I was still asleep , and I saw that he was going to different adult web sites , he even has them saved in his favorites on Aol , later when I logged on I typed in BigBig to come to this website, again you wouldn't believe what came up , With that I went to my history I counted over 30 different adult websites. I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me, I mean he's never gone a day without. Also this morning after he was done with the computer , he rolls into bed wanting to fool around , I soooooooo wanted to tell him , you want to fool around after going to porn sites , needless to say there wasn't going to be any fooling around . Ok , Am I beging overly sensitive. I know he loves me , but , this really hurts me ..... and he knows it does. I asked his brother why do men need to look at porn when they are married , his answer because , they don't want to think of their wives like , the woman in the adult sites. I feel like a failure already as a wife and a lover, that he must need to look at this even to be with me.I'm a little confused still ..... Anyway Thanks for letting me Vent. :( :mad:

[MamaFairal]

Men always want what they cant have!!!!
Or what they think is perfection...air brushed women with BIGBIG @@...

Ya get the pic...........
IMHO......learn to live with it or kick him to the curb...

*ya cant change a table into a chair!**
** Is his name Bo or Joshua?**


Hey BTW welcome aboard ....lol ;)

[fatesfaery]

I'm weird about porn. I could care less about it, doesn't do a thing for me. I don't care if a guy wants to watch it....UNLESS....it's something they do in secret and hides it. Then for me it becomes a lie and I don't deal well with lies. Lie to me about little things and you'll lie to me about big things.Lie to me about anything and my trust in you is gone and probably won't be rebuilt.

I'd talk to him about it as calmly as possible. Tell him how its making you feel. If he keeps on, start going to male porn sites and leave evidence behind. what's good for the goose and all that.

I don't think a man looking at porn has anything to do their actual sexual life at home.A guy once told me that women are driven by feelings and men are driven by visual and audio things. I haven't seen anything to prove him wrong.

Told you I was weird about stuff like this.............

[JENNIFERCATLADY]

This sounds like a conversation I had with a good friend of mine. So I will tell you the same thing I told her. I would sit down and CALMLY talk to your hubby about it. The reason I stress the word CALMLY if you throw a fit its only going to alienate him and probably make him do it more in secret. As with anything, I think porn is an ENHANCEMENT to your *life*. You said that you would gladly watch it with him, does he know this? Personally, I would not be hurt by it. It's a FANTASY. I agree with FatesFaery, men are turned on by audio & visual aides like lingerie, porn, ect. Also a lot of guys I know watch porn because they are like "She did WHAT???", it's unbelievable what these people will do. Good luck!!!

[cch]

I guess I'm odd - I actually tried to get Hubby the newest issue of Playboy for Valentine's Day because it had two of the girls from Wrestling on it and when I set up our satalite service he had me add on the Playboy channel - I later canceled it because it never got watched (no privacy in our house). He knows if he wants to look he doesn't have to hide it from me - part of which is a turn off in itself. But I will also point out a nice looking woman when we're out somewhere - for a lot of guys it's like lol what's the point of looking if your wife is ok with it?

If you want the marriage to last you DEFINATELY need to talk to him about it. Tell him what you just told us. Ask him why he looks. Let him be the one to answer your questions.

[JENNIFERCATLADY]

I guess I'm odd - I actually tried to get Hubby the newest issue of Playboy for Valentine's Day because it had two of the girls from Wrestling on it and when I set up our satalite service he had me add on the Playboy channel - I later canceled it because it never got watched (no privacy in our house). He knows if he wants to look he doesn't have to hide it from me - part of which is a turn off in itself. But I will also point out a nice looking woman when we're out somewhere - for a lot of guys it's like lol what's the point of looking if your wife is ok with it?
I totally agree with CCH. I also point out other women to darling Robert. I did that one time when his mom was with us and she just about had a stroke. His two ex-wives were very jealous. But I'm a firm believer you can look ALL you want, if you touch it's "Lorena Bobbitt" time! Seriously though, I've been begging darling Robert to go out and have a boys night with his best friend. Too bad his best friend's wife won't let him go!

[Danny]

From a man's point of view -
Don't take it too seriously - men get their thrills more visually than women - and what he is watching has nothing to do with you and is not meant to disrespect you.
Look at it as foreplay - let him get an eyeful and then take over and reap the benefits.
Men don't look at porn with the intention of hurting their partners - or being disrespectful. Women read those sexy novels - is it disrespecting men? DO we care? We just wait until you get pretty steamy behind it and then pounce!
How can a flesh and blood woman compete with something in a magazine or on a computer screen? It's no contest - YOU WIN!!!!
Don't look for trouble where there is none. Don't make an issue of something that you can turn to your benefit. If it is truly that disgusting to you - talk to him and ask that he doesn't do it when you are around. But be careful - forbidden fruit tastes sweeter.

[zitra]

I guess I don't see anything wrong with it...I don't see it as disrespectful, UNLESS you had a conversation BEFORE marraige and let him know that what you thought about pornography..that you didn't mind him looking, if you were with him.....IF you didn't let him know your feelings about it until after marriage I would think you two should reach a compromise about it...I am a firm beleiver that no one person should be allowed to make rules for a relationship, and then just force them on or demand them of their partner...some men hear "I don't want you looking at porn/magazines/movies, etc." as the mate tryign to force them into something/change them. I cringe everytime I see somone/hear somone say "Well I wouldn't LET my wife/husband do this/that" ALL hell would break loose in my home if my hubby EVER said he would or wouldn't LET me do something..I am sorry but I married my partner NOT my father. I have the same aversion to somone saying "that would never happen in my home"...If it is in reference to somethign a spouse might want to do...One spouse (IMO) has no say over what the other does, unless the other spouse agrees to those rules, that their SO has..


On another point (some may disagree, but i see nothign wrong with porn..I get my hubby subrscriptions so playboy/FHM/Maxim/Stuff, etc. becuase i know it is something he enjoys..He also has some movies such as the girls gone wild videos...I don't think it is right to say that he shouldn't be able to watch/look at them unless in the company of his significant other....Sometimes there are things guys (and girls) like to do in privacy, and even though they may love you, would like to do by themselves....Though I am sure there are times your hubby would want you to join in, with him, watching/looking/reading the literature/movies/etc. I think if he really wants to he should be allowed the oppurtunity to have his alnone time to enjoy it as well, if it makes him happy.

[JENNIFERCATLADY]

BIGBOOBOO - Danny just gave you the BEST advice anyone could give you.
I shall now SHUT UP and give everyone a break!!!

[MtyAphrdti]

Well, I guess I'm in the minority. I HATE porn...in all forms that it comes in. My biggest issue is with strip clubs though ;) I do agree that you should talk to him calmly about it and explain your side and see what comes of that. And FYI everyone there is such a thing as addiction to pornography and it might be something to look into. Sure, porn has it's uses hehe, but some people can take it too far. If it's affecting her feelings about herself and her marriage, then it is an issue and a problem that needs to be addressed one way or another. JMO

[justme23]

Have you TOLD him you'd look at it w/ him? Maybe he's so freaked out by how you reacted (which I guess is kind of common but I don't understand why... I mean, it's just pictures, it's not like he can have an affair w/ a photo... kinda like 'you can look at the menu as long as you don't order') when you caught him. I just don't see the big deal myself. My husband has always looked at porn, the only time I ever had a problem w/ it was when I didn't know... when we finally got it worked out that I was ok w/ it as long as it wasn't hidden from me and/or we look together then everything was fine. I realize some men are incappable of being open about porn and that the politically correct way of looking at this is as if it is an addiction and a want for an affair... but I think that's just SILLY. I would MUCH rather my husband looking at photos and sleeping in OUR bed at night, than him out at some nudie bar (he does go tho, just not w/out me... I enjoy them more than he does) w/ me sitting up all night wondering what girl he's hooked up w/.

BTW, unless you know before you're married that your spouse is looking at porn then I think we all go through this 'shocked' phase you are dealing w/. But if he never goes a day w/out and he's just looking at photos and not a warm body other than yours then you come to realize that it really is ok and not a battle worth fighting in the long run. As others have said, men are visual creatures. My husband happens to like huge bongos... I have big bongos... but he likes them big enough 10 hands couldn't hold on to them. I haven't quite figured this obsession out yet, but we have no friends that are this surgically well endowed (they don't come as natural as he likes them!), so I know it's just pictures and fantasies for him.

Anyways, sit down and talk to your husband... let him know that you are ok w/ watching it with him and that you were shocked about it the other day and didn't mean to freak out. Tell him how it made you feel like a failure and for him to be open about it in the future. I promise, it looses alot of it's appeal once they realize that you don't really care... but it'll also open the door to a far more open relationship that has lots of communication, which is very important!

[Dolly<3]

If he's that interested in fantasy, what happens if it becomes a reality? What if someone he's attracted to besides you comes on to him? If you don't think he will stray then you're worrying too much.

But I think the key here is communication. You need to tell him how you feel. And I think this is ironic:

but I feel watching them behind my back is still disrepectful, this morning I pretended that I was still asleep , and I saw that he was going to different adult web sites

[Dolly<3]

I also think the idea that it's a good thing b/c he can go get turned on by something else and then come to you for sex is disgusting.

[becca_joy]

all porn does is feeds into a persons fantasies,personally
i'd rather have the real thing than watching people
on tv do it - JMO

[Suz*e*]

Hello,

I personally feel like asking what others "opinions" on this is NOT gonna help you out.

I say that because the thing that is important, actully the only thing that matters since this inquiry is about your marriage, is "only" what YOU and your husband thinks about this.

You will only end up more confused than when you started if you attempt to allow US or anyone else to push our opinons onto you.

We are all unique creatures, and what I think is right for my relationship, may not be the same thing that is right for yours.

Having said that, your marrige is new and the 1st year is all about just what you are dealing with right now. Learning each other's boundaries. When one partner crosses a boundary especially for the 1st time, approach them in a non-threatening, but very serious way. Make your feelings, clear and well spoken. Work out a compromise.

That is the only way to handle this...a family meeting between you and your husband. Sit him down and ask when would be a good time to have a serious meeting about something very important to you, and say I feel this I feel that...instead of YOU DO THIS and YOU DO THAT type of discusion. Be respectful, but honest, and then ask him what he is prepared to do about this.

Ultimately though you will never be happy IF you have to depend on anyone other than yourself to keep you happy. You'd only be cutting yourself short if every little thing he did affected you. But this is huge to you, so pick your battles, and make this one of them. If he doesn't care enough to give you the resepct you deserve after all of this....you remember where the door is and be prepared to use it rather than live a way you dont approve of, or amkes you feel de-valued as a woman.

Much Love..SUZ!

[schsa]

My concern is that it makes you feel inadequate as a woman. This is what you need to be talking about to your husband. How what he is doing affects how you feel about him and about yourself. Regardless of why he does it, it has a profound affect on you.

Talk to him about how it is affecting you in and out of bed. You are angry that he is doing this and it will come across in your marriage if this isn't settled to your satisfaction.

[ChristiNate]

Before we were married, DH said it is just better than staring at a lampshade when I'm not around :p

Don't get me wrong, I am overly jeaulous....for no reasons whatsoever.

When he found out that it royally pi$$ed me off and made me feel bad, he cut it out.

Wish I wasn't so retarted :rolleyes:

[shellayne]

Well, I guess there is no changing the past. I know my husband loves me very much. I married him for him and not what kind of poern he looks at on the web. He watched it before we met. I just get used to it. I guess I am one of those who does not care. He knows that he cannot have any of the people he sees on the web, but ME!!

Hope you can work out the problem. (((((((HUGS)))))))

[BIGBOOBOO]

Thanks for all the posts, i've been reading them just this morning. I have tried to talk to him about it and he says, he just likes looking at different stuff , different stuff that boarders on the sick and twisted . Anyway, as I said i would gladly watch with him , he won't , so he watchs either while i'm gone to the store or when i'm sleeping. I feel he is doing it behind my back , otherwise he wouldn't close the screen so fast and pretend he's looking on ebay. Also, he did tell me that he did have a addition to it a few years back , well I think he still does . I'm not trying to change him, and he did know before we got married that i wasn't all that crazy about it . My biggest problem with it is that he wants me to act like the porn stars , I told him i'm not a porn star , I'm your wife. If you wanted a woman like that then you should have married one. Anyways , Yeah I'm very jealous , not that i have any reason to be , he's always telling how beautiful i am and how much he loves me and thanks god every day for me coming into his life, this said I know he loves me very much , I don't think it would be normal if a woman wasn't a little jealous now and then. I did happent to go to a male website , and he's like what are you doing , I said laughing *checking out different stuff* , and says , to me what to they have that I don't , I think he got the message , when he looked all hurt and I told him I didn't do it to hurt you I did it to show you how I felt and feel when he's doing the same thing , granted two wrongs don't make a right , but he just didn't understand when i told him how I felt . I do have one question to *danny* * But be careful - forbidden fruit tastes sweeter.* what's that supposed to mean . Thanks again all. And thanks for the warm welcome.

[cch]

forbidden fruit tastes sweeter

Like when a parent tells a teenager they can't go out, they have to be home, and that teenager sneaks out his/her window and does exactly what the parent said they couldn't. They think It's great because they're still doing what they wanted and it's even better because they aren't supposed to be.

[zitra]

Originally posted by BIGBOOBOO
Also, he did tell me that he did have a addition to it a few years back , well I think he still does .

Just wanted to comment on this...If he was addicted then, unless he has recieved help, he is still addicted...

It's like an alcoholic...Just becuase somone may stop drinking for awhile doesn't make them any less an alcoholic... If he is addicted he needs to get help for it...

Being a sex/porn addict IMO is also like being a drug addict....yes ,you may be able to stay clean, for a little while, or maybe even forever, but it still won't change your addiction. If he is addicted, the only way to help is to stay away from what ever he is addicted to (just like with drugs and alcohol).

[Lora_1994]

when I first got together with my husband, I would go bezerk if he even mentioned ANY woman's name. I was really jealous(and past bad relationship), and was sooo afraid he was going to cheat on me.

Now, I dont care if he looks or watches "naughty" movies, I know he's with me for the long haul and he's coming to bed with me!!! ;-)

[Danny]

What I meant by that is that the more you harp on how you don't want him to indulge his porn habit and try to make him stop - the more he is apt to want to see it even more. As soon as a person hears the word "can't" or "don't" - the more attractive doing the forbidden becomes. It adds a thrill to "get away with it".
Is counseling an option for you guys? Him for his attraction or addiction to porn and you for your lack of confidence in yourself? Sounds like this is fixable.

[FireFox1973]

I think you did the right thing letting him know how it felt to be on your end. You have opened the door and its on the table how you feel about it. I think counseling is a good idea. It sounds like your marriage is plenty strong enough to get through his addiction. I would now sit him down and tell him just how very hurtful/jealous/inadequate this makes you feel, and suggest counseling. If he won't go with you, try going yourself.

[the__gooch]

Originally posted by Dolly<3
I also think the idea that it's a good thing b/c he can go get turned on by something else and then come to you for sex is disgusting.

PLEASE!
at least they are ACTING on their feelings with their spouses!
What would you rather have, an oven that's only half heated, or one that's FULLY heated?

I, personally, want the fully heated one. Sex is more exciting and you know where he/she is.

LOOK at porn, but ACT with the one you love.

[*Kiss*]

Just my opinion.. But maybe hes lookin to fulfill some odd desire he might have? If you have to "hide" something then obviously it is wrong and if he cant understand that maybe you should bring this up to him. explain to him that you feel the way you do. Explain that it makes you feel that you might be inadequate. If you wish to steer clear from explaining the way that you feel about this issue to him (which I dont think in any "HEALTHY" relationship would be a problem) maybe you should do your part to make sure that he doesnt "flee" to the internet porn sites.. Try spicing up your own "Bedroom" life. (Ie: Lingerie, Pampering, or What Not) Who knows that new pair of panties & bra could make a big difference in your bedroom life? Its the little things that count to men.. :)

Good luck and I hope you do come to a resolution to this..

Because I feel the same way about this situation as you..

I hate porn... it is degrading and should be as illegal as drugs. Because most people dont know how to use it in "MODERATION"

[Kelsey1224]

I just saw this post. Personally, I think porn is disgusting...but I understand Danny's post and I could tolerate it in moderation.

The issues are that your husband is obviously addicted to it. I mean...visiting the sites daily is an addiction. Also...he is sneaking and lying to you. How can you trust him when he has already violated that trust so badly.

Those are the issues that you need to deal with. They are bigger than anything else.

Good luck sweetie! So newly married...this is a tough one.

[djrobbo67]

Men simply have a need for porn. You can say what you want, but it makes it a lot easier to be able to tell the truth to our wives instead of lie. I wish my wife would watch porn with me. Unfortunatly she finds it "gross". My wife luckily doesn't have a problem with me looking at it. Like anything else it is a problem if your "addicted" and letting it control your life. But casual viewing of it is simply normal. I have NEVER met a man who hasn't looked at porn, at least sometimes. Like masturbating there are those that do, and those that lie about it. So be a little freaky, you'll be surprised how much your husband will appreciate it!

[Tasha405]

Maybe he's just looking for other ways to spice up the relationship? Ya know what I mean? ;) lol

I agree with cch. I for one, don't have a problem with it. I used to when I was younger but I know its just a book or a movie, so I don't care. I am also the type to point out a pretty woman to my hubby but I also point out the men for myself. LOL

I hope you can work something out.

[flute]

Well, my own opinion is I'd rather have Mike not look at stuff. But, hey I look too! *L!
So, as long as mike's not physically going somewhere, and he stays online, I'm ok with that. It's ME that my husband wants, he doesn't want some other woman. And, that is what's important to me.

[joey74]

Has anyone else noticed when this topic comes up there is always a ton of replies? lol, that alone shows how heated this subject is.
Anyway, my two cents.
I noticed a lot of women who replied don't mind there men looking at porn, I'm not one of them. In the begining of our marriage we sometimes looked at it, but after a while he wanted it more and more.That was a complete turn off for me. Moderation is the key.. Pornography is very addictive and it does distort how a man looks at a woman. I really don't think someone who looks at it daily and hide's it from you is going to be able to "cut it down" to once a week. If I were in your situation (which I'm not, only you can decide what to do) I would tell him no more porn or no more me. I personally would leave if he didn't quite. I don't beleive that one day he is just going to wake up and say "I'm bored with porn, I don't think I will check out any sites today"! Maybe once he gets control of his addiction and is back in the real world again he will be able to recognize that he let his addiction get out of control again.
I hope this helps and that I didn't offend you or anyone else.
Good Luck, be true to yourself first and everything will work out for the best..