serious issue.. need advice

[sugar206]

I dont really know what to do about this. I am 21 years old and both my parents are dead. My brother got adopted a couple years ago by a very wealthy family and was given counseling and love and support by his "new" parents. Which I am so glad and have finally got over the jealousy. Anyways here is my problem I met in the complex where I live a man who I now call a wolf in sheeps clothing. I started hanging out with him and thought he was nice. He told me a couple weeks after he met me he rammed a car with his ex-girlfriend and two passengers ten times on highway 99. All of them ended up in the hospital it is rumored that the driver of the car (his ex) was killed. This happened about 6-10 years ago. He started trying to be mr perfect with but the 99 incident had me worried. He started telling me he love me and was pushing it. So I broke it off. I told him why but he had excuses about me being like all the rest of the women that screwed him over. So I firmly told him I want no contact with you. So a couple days later he saw my car parked at a male friends house who is like a big brother to me and put a note on my windshield to have me call him. 20 minutes later he came back to see if I was still there and I was he backed up and hit the neighbors car. I dont know if it was out of anger or accident but my friend thinks he did it on purpose. So I was going to get a restraing order on him but noone at the courthouse would help me fill it out. I have heard him driving by a bunch of times but he has not contacted me for a month. My male friend slash big brother says he told him to leave me alone. But what about the stalking laws in WA state. I am just worried he will hurt me or my friends because he is crazy and unpredictable. He has kidnapping, a few assualt charges, and vehicular manslughter. I talked to the police before christmas and all they did was put it on file. I guess if i were a kid of a cop or some other arm of the law he would be in jail. If you followed me this so far thanks for listening. Also any advice is apprecieated:eek:

[okie]

I don't understand why the cops would not issue a restraining order but i can tell you that a restraining order is just a piece of paper.I believe that they actually have to see him around you to arrest him for breaking a restraining.I could be wrong though.I know you don't want to do this but i would move somewhere else.I know that isn't fair to you but it may come down to that.Also,do you talk to your brother?Is it a possibility that you could stay with him until you find another place to stay?Or even at a friend's house this guy knows nothing about or atleast doesn't know where they live.You might also check into a women's shelter for abused women.I think i would be trying to put some distance between him and you right now.

[Suz*e*]

I would take this serious..can you get out of town? I am concerned that you have no relatives, he must know this too that bothers me.

[Suz*e*]

sugar206,

I am gonna have to think on this tonight. It is a biggie, and I would like to come up with some decent advice. Until then, stay safe! Listen to others here too!

[ooops]

I know you are very frightened. I am scared for you.
This person is up to no good. Yes, if he has a history
of violence... You try to get with friends and not be
in a situation where you are alone with that man again.
If after a month, he is still contacting you, I believe
he is obsessed with you and stalking you.

[teenies*mom]

Make sure he never sees you alone - or just to be safe -
don't go anywhere alone, don't stay at your place alone,
alays have someone with you until you can do something about this....
can your brother and his "new family" help you in some way? I mean for some problem like this, I wouldn't hesitate to ask

[andreame70]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this loser. Please be very careful. Make sure that you pay close attention at all times to what is going on around you.

At this point, there is not much that you can do to him, but at least you have it documented at the police station that he is a problem.

Get you one of those small wire bound "memo" books and keep it in your purse so that it is handy for you to document every single time that he calls you, rides by your house, leaves notes on your car, or shows up anywhere that you are. Make sure that you list the date, time and make notes of what he did or said. You may need this to get that restraining order against him.

Like someone else said though, that order is just a piece of paper. You just have to hope that the thought of legal action against him scares him enough to stay away. I do not mean to scare you, but I will tell you about something that happened to a girl that I knew from school. She was married to a man who turned into a jealous freak. They were having some problems and one day, a co-worker of hers needed a ride home from work because his car would not start when they got ready to leave. The man was her manager at the restaurant where they worked. He lived on the main road that she had to travel to get home, so it was not out of the way for her. She pulled off the side of the road and he got out, she did not even go into his driveway. Her husband happened to drive by as she was pulling away and saw that she had dropped the guy off. When she got home, he beat the hell out of her. She managed to get away and went to the magistrate's office to get the restraining order. The magistrate gave her one, then ordered a sheriff's deputy to escort her to the emergency room for treatment. As she walked out of the courthouse with the deputy, her husband waited outside in the parking lot with a gun. He shot her twice and killed her on the steps of the courthouse in broad daylight.

Like I said, I don't mean to scare you, but please be very careful. You just never know what some crazy people are capable of doing.

Andrea

[sugar206]

I know to be careful I am not trying to pick a fight with you andrea but that story made me feel more nervous because of some things that have happened in my short life. I know what can happen. I am not trying to be rude to u in anyway you were just trying to make me aware of what could happen. Also I was going to file a ro but I was so emotional I couldnt fill it out and noone would help me fill it out at the cop shop. Ok staying with my bros foster family is a no go first because my bro went away to college and he has never invited me over to there house, They live about 20 minutes away.I have been there once. and he wont letme ask them for help because he is embaressed by I am different from their family. or some stupid thing. If worst come to worst i will go to my 007 spot. I am going to write down anything that happens with this crazy stalker. He has a rap sheet a mile long and the policeman I talked to knew it but just made a report. For now i have a motion sensor light outside, alarm motion sensor inside. A shotgun and knifes. High heels the cops told me to poke him in the eye with. This is sucks hardcore. I have fought tooth and nail to get this far and now some loser is trying to take it away. I am gonna go Erin Brokovich (the movie) on the whole town if he dont stop. this is not a violent threat for those who haven't seen the movie

[marcy122]

Sugar-- sounds like you're doing all you can. You were very wise to break it off with him in the first place-your instincts were right on as you now know. Most police depts have a victim's advocate ( person who isn't on the police force, usually a volunteer) who would help you fill out papers for the ex-parte. I had to do this against my exhusband & it really helped to have someone there. If your dept doesn't have this, I'd ask at the women's shelter or legal aid-but that might take a while. I agree that you should always have someone with you, even though you can't go anywhere else, could a friend stay with you a few days? Were the police called when he hit the neighbor's car & did you keep the note he put on your car?
Just being served the ex-parte would hopefully scare him into leaving you alone becaause as said above, they actually have to catch him near you to do anything.
I hope he backs off soon & you can go on with your life. This guy sounds like a whack job.
Good luck-keep us informed--we care!

[andreame70]

sugar206, I am sorry. I did not mean to scare you worse than you already are. Please don't be upset with me.

Andrea

[schsa]

If you haven't seen him for a month, he may have moved on to someone else. However, do the following. Get a big whistle and keep it in your pocket at all times. Blowing a whistle can startle someone if they come after you. Have your cell phone at hand and go ahead and program 911 into it so you don't have to dial more than one number to get the police. And keep pepper spray on you.

Don't ever drive the same way home from work. Take a different route every day. It makes it harder for someone to track you if your schedule and movements are constantly changing.

Move if you can. Change your number or just get a cell phone. Move in with a friend and be sure that someone knows where you are going and what time you expect to be back. Don't assume that he won't be able to find you but you want to do everything you can to protect yourself. Don't expect the police to do it. All you have to do is read the paper every day about some woman who had a restraining order against an ex husband or boyfriend and the guy shows up on her doorstep and she's shot dead before she can even call the police.

This man is not in control and he has a history of violence. You are lucky that it didn't last any longer than it did. Do what you can to protect yourself.

[hotwheelstx]

Although this has been many moons ago and "stalking laws" were not cosidered back then this is what I did in my situation:

I documented everything!!! Taped phone calls, kept notes, cards....everything pertaining to this person I was trying to get out of my life.

Went to police w/evidence. Nothing done, went back over and over and over...until finally someone listened realized I truly had a problem here.

In the interim of everything...I left my apt., cut off my phone, hid my car. Stayed w/a friend I thought he knew NOTHING ABOUT.

He did find me...upon that he was arrested. Spent a couple of years in prison. By the end of it all the law had come into effect.

I seriously would consider leaving where you are now...finding another friend (if you can) that maybe he doesn't know about.

In my case he had abused me in our relationship. Not anymore....I wouldn't put up w/it.

Check into:

Harrassement charges.

Vandelism (if he does anything to your car or property).

Keep a date book and document everything that's happened day by day.

Keep calling until someone will listen to you.

Call a woman's shelter (if you can) see if they can offer you any assistance. Usually they have an attorney somewhere in their org. that is willing to help you.

If you have any witnesses get affidavits (if possible)
Have them notarized.

See if you can obtain a copy of his police record. See what's on there.

Get a restraining order if you can. It does help....not a lot but it does some. Stipulate that if he comes w/in xxx ft. of car, personal property, self that's when he'll be in worse trouble.

In my case there were charges for battery, abuse, theft, robbery....that I knew nothing about at the time we were dating. I also received a copy of his criminal history for free. I went to the library did a search, went back to police w/proof this had happened before. They gave me a copy. Then, took me seriously.

I know this sounds like a lot but it does help your case.

Good luck to you and stay safe.

[freeplease]

tape recorder in your pocket might get the police to wake up, too. If he comes around, start the tape. That way you have proof if he threatens you. And as everyone has said, document everything.
I wish you well. Stay safe. And remember, there really isn't any reason to go out alone at night. Try to get all your errands done during the day. I know it's a pain, but not as painful as what could happen to you alone at night. I don't want to scare you, but dernit, I'm a mom. It's my job. ;)

[lassss]

also if you can, keep a disposable or regular cam around just in case you seem him lurking..a pic is worth a thousand words and proof to show to the police if he decides to come around again...good luck to you

[Gitty]

Go to your city prosecutors. Tell them about the car accident that he told you about. And tell them that now you fear for your life. Make them listen to you. If they won't get a lawyer and they will listen to the lawyer or they know you could sue them for not listening and not doing anything, and not giving you the restraining order. Also do you have a lease for your complex? Read it very carefully. It should have something in it about, having a safe environment to live. If you can get a restraining order, you may be able to force the complex to make him move, for your safety. It's worth a try!

[MamaFairal]

What attracted you to this loser in the first place???

I would of turned and ran as soon as i knew about the 99 incident???
you had to have known this would end up trouble for you


JMHO

[sugar206]

the police were called when he hit the car but I dont know what happened I left. I found the note a day later and told my friend but ripped the note up. Andrea ,girl I am not upset with you. I just have been thinking too much and your story made me think more. You know. I havent seen him today but I thought I heard him driving by ( if you live in here long enough you can tell by the sound of the car)but there are lots of people driving through this complex so I could be mistaken. I did hear from someone they have heard him drive by. For now it ok just driving by cause `maybe he is visiting one of my neigbors or something. But I am still watching my back. Thanks so much for your advice and comments it helps so much to have someone to talk this through with.

[sugar206]

I did not hear about the 99 incident until way later and I did step back after that. I am not in the best sitch and sometimes people try and take advantage of that. But I wish I would have known. I am not stupid. btw I am not angry at any of you that responded. There are way too many things that play into this drama and I will not list them all. It is a little my fault for not thinking about his motive more but it is not my fault that he is bothering me after I clearly said never ever come over again.

[sugar206]

He doesn't live in this complex he comes here because this a I dont the appropriate word for it but its never boring here. He visits the neighbors that dont care what he does wrong.He has never physically hurt me but he has beat my self-esteem down way too much. Hotwheels iyou gave me some ideas I hadn't thought about. I hid for 2 or 3 weeks after I made it very clear that he has no reason to contact me. Mostly I am scared at night. I have someone stay with me but I will not hide again until I feel the situation is escalating. I feel angry that the police dont do much but they have to follow rules too. I will make people listen. He needs help, but I dont have much sympathy for him right now. I just feel hurt and alone. I have struggled in my life to get where I am now. I will not let him take that away from me. I jut need support. Thanks, Sugar206

[Gitty]

Any lease has on it, You are responsible for anyone that visits you. So these friends of his are responsible for him and how he acts, when he visits. They can be evicted for their visitor. Check your lease!

[Damnifiknw]

Originally posted by MamaFairal
What attracted you to this loser in the first place???

I would of turned and ran as soon as i knew about the 99 incident???
you had to have known this would end up trouble for you


JMHO

How could she have known? Did you read her post or slim through it? If you would have actually taken the time and read it. You wouldn't be asking those questions. You are making it look like this young lady asked for some looney a$$ man to stalk her. This young lady doesn't deserve someone trying to ruin her life.

IMHO Your reply was uncalled for...:rolleyes:

[sugar206]

Your right Gitty I have been discussing this with the on-site manager. I actually read the lease when this problem started getting worse. You are responsible for your visitors. The manager IMHO has problems communicating with residents.But I will remind him of his responsiblity to do his job and be assertive and tell the residents that the problem person visits that they are in fact responsible. If he doesnt I will go higher up like to the owner of this property. How does that sound

[Nanc952]

Don't beat yourself up it is easy to be too trusting. Know that by experience. Will not post details here.
Like the others say keep a cell phone with you at all times, pepper spray in your hand when you are out. It is sad world that you have to live this way but better safe than sorry.
Where you live can you have a dog, even a little one has a big mouth and would be company.
If he thought you had someone interested in you that would beat the holy hell out of him would he back off. Is there a friend that could step in and do that for you.
Record everything even when he drives by. A diary holds a lot of power especially if it covers a period of time.
Good Luck and stay strong and safe.
Prayers with you.

[Gitty]

Good for you sugar206 if the manager won't take care of the problem, you can always see a lawyer. He should take care of a problem, before he looses his job, or is personally sued.

[MamaFairal]

Originally posted by Damnifiknw
IMHO Your reply was uncalled for...:rolleyes:

And that is your opinion and i was just stating mine.......you dont like it hit the back button!

[fatesfaery]

Originally posted by MamaFairal
What attracted you to this loser in the first place???

I would of turned and ran as soon as i knew about the 99 incident???
you had to have known this would end up trouble for you


JMHO

Probably the same thing that makes anyone be attracted to alcoholics, drug addicts, liars....etc...etc....Some men are really good at pretending to be something they're not, and we usually don't see the real person until it's too late.

Sugar, be careful and take the excellent advice you've been given here. People like him are very unpredictable and you never know what to expect next.

[kriskay]

You have gotten a lot of good advice, I don't really have anything to add. Just know it it not at all your fault, it is entirely his. I hope he leaves you alone, and good luck.

[lassss]

the apt manager can contact the police and they can serve a no trespass order on this guy and as soon as he comes onto the property they can arrest him

[Damnifiknw]

Originally posted by MamaFairal
And that is your opinion and i was just stating mine.......you dont like it hit the back button!

I hit the back button a couple times, but your reply p*ssed me off. :mad: I didn't say what I actually wanted to say, I won't say it now. :D

This young lady is in a desperate situation & she needs all the advice she can get. Not your snide remarks. I'm glad there are a lot of people on here who are helping this lady out with good advice.

[sugar206]

First of damnifinw is right and I dont want to get get this thread closed but even smart people like me make mistakes mamafairal, if this was happening to your kid would you blame her or to try to help. It really bugs me because I am not attacking you or insulting you but sheesh these kind of situations are scary. I split when I saw the clues of danger. I know you were stating your opinion andthats cool but " You had to have known" wtf. If I had known I wouldn't be here trying to get help. I would have walked into it. Give me some Windex for my crystal ball so I could see he was a loser right off the bat and seen his viloent past .