MIL from H*LL

[MOM2B2003]

Okay, I have THE MIL from H*ll I am convinced.

My DH and I have been together for over 10 years, married almost 5, and just recently had the most adorable little baby boy ever! (Well, okay, I am bias that last one!)

Anyhow, as a child, I had all kinds of illnesses/diseases/disorders. I was diagnosed with Allergenic Bronchitis before I even started kindergarten, diagnosed with asthma somewhere around 4th grade or so which progressively got worse up to my high school years, and EVERY winter I would get HORRIBLE colds and at least once a winter come down with the most HORRID case of bronchitis to exist. These illnesses were ones that would hinder my ability to breathe. My parents would have to keep a vaporizer of hot steam practically right in front of my nose for me to even breathe at all. Even then, breathing hurt so bad because my lungs hurt. And the more I would fight for breath, the worse my lungs would hurt. Then your body would start this awful hacking, barking cough which would make your lungs hurt even more and make it even more difficult to breathe.

Well, I have outgrown all that. THANKFULLY!! But it is now known that alot of these problems can be worsened/caused by the effects of cigarette smoke. Unfortunately, that was not known at the time I was experiencing all of this. My parents never smoked. However, I was around cigarette smoke alot as a child because my daycare providers' spouses were heavy smokers. Therefore, I was exposed to it on a daily basis.

When my hubby and I announced we were expecting, we were VERY firm in saying that I, as a pregnant woman, would not be exposed to cigarette smoke for both my health and the baby's. NOW.....here's where the MIL comes in. She is a smoker, a very HEAVY smoker.

We were VERY firm in the fact that the baby was to NEVER be exposed to cigarette smoke. We will not even take him into a home where cigarettes have been smoked because it takes at least 2 weeks for the harmful effects of cigarette smoke to leave a home once a cigarette has been smoked in it.

We NEVER told her she COULD NOT smoke. But we did say that if she smoked in her house, the baby could not come over. So, she called us one day about 2 weeks before he was born. She said she had washed the whole house down, washed all the linens, and bought a home air filtration system to purify the air. So now, she said, we could bring him over anytime. (We never asked her to do any of this. Just said that he could not be in a home that had been smoked in.)

All went well...until Thursday. I am back to work now and my MIL and my mother take turns caring for him when I work. When I showed up to drop him off, the house smelled like smoke. I confronted her about it, which I normally leave stuff like that up to my hubby. She admitted that she had just smoked, but said she sprayed Febreze throughout the house to "take care of it". Well, I about gagged 3 times the smell was so thick while I was giving her the rundown of when he last ate, when I last changed his diaper, etc. I told her she couldn't be smoking like that anymore if she was going to care for him in her home because I DID NOT want him exposed to that.

Well, as I was driving away, I felt like s**t! I had just left my son in a home with these toxic cigarette fumes. Something that I had VOWED I would NOT do cuz I DO NOT want him to have to suffer as a child the way I did. I called my hubby at work. He said that he would talk to his mom that night & everything would be okay

Well, by the time I got to work 35 minutes later, I was almost in tears. How could I leave a helpless baby in that home? Knowing that he could not leave on his own and he HAD to breathe in the second-hand smoke fumes and toxins? How could I? How could I risk his health and assist him in developing all those awful things I suffered as a child?

By lunchtime, I had to leave. I had to go get him and remove him from that environment. I was not doing what I thought was in his best interest if I did not. So, when my hubby called me at lunchtime, I told him I was going to get him.

WELL...................That's when all h*ll broke loose. He instructed both of us (me and MIL) not to exchange words when I came and got him. Stick to the facts (when he last ate, last nap, how long, etc.) I promised I would not start it, but if something DID get started, I would finish it. When I got there, I tried to stick to the facts. I asked when he last ate, when he last slept, when he last.........WHAM! She came after me! She started yelling at me telling me that I WAS NOT going to keep her from him! She has EVERY RIGHT to be part of his life. I WAS NOT GOING to stand in the way of that........Um, pardon me, I say. I thought we were both instructed by my DH not to exchange words.......To which she replied that her son COULD NOT and WOULD NOT tell her what to do! And I WILL NOT KEEP HER FROM HIM (the baby). Okay, I am thinking, it is fair game now. I kept my promise, but she started it, I tried to stop it, but she kept going. SO, I got right back up in her face and told her that YES, I WOULD keep her from being a part of his life if she smelled like cigarette smoke. If she chose to smoke in her house, fine. It is HER house, she can. But as his mother, I WILL NOT allow him to enter that environment. So she told me she will come to our house whenever she wants cuz obviously I am too thick-headed to listen to anything. I told her that she WILL NOT come to our house at her free will, especially if she thinks she can talk to me that way. She will have to come ONLY when I am not around, and if I am not around, neither is the baby, because I am at work, so there is no point. (I only work part-time...Hubby never home w/o me)

WOW!! What a fiasco! Now, 2 days later she calls says she is sorry to my hubby (not to me), that she is going to start the patches, and wants my son to keep coming to her house when I work...........

So am I supposed to forgive and forget???? After the way she attacked me???? I know for my hubby's sake (and my son's) that I hafta get on with it. But it is SO hard. And the fact that she ATTACKED me. The rules NEVER changed, she just chose not to respect what we said. Then SHE jumped ME for it, and apologized to my hubby!!??

Thanks for listening to my LONG story of venting and frustration. I tried to sum it up, but couldn't shorten it too much w/o losing value.

I know most all of us married women have MIL stories, but doesn't this one about take the cake??

[justme23]

If she doesn't smoke in the house and went through the proper measures of cleaning the house out... AGAIN. Then yes, you should forgive and forget... not for her... for your marriage. If you don't atleast give her 'one more chance', it will eventually cause resentment in your own marriage. I know your husband backs you on the smoke, but it doesn't mean he will expect you and the baby never to see her or for her to only see the baby when you aren't around... which you already said can't happen... and if you refuse it will cause resentment all around. If you read the Mother in Laws from hell website, you can see it in almost every post... the spouse refuses to budge on ANYthing and the husbands almost always resent it... most of them have marital problems because they are so stubborn.

Now after saying that, I wanna repeat... I only think it is necessary to give her ONE more chance... if she screws up again, then stick to your guns!

Edited to add... tell your husband to get his head out of his hiney and tell her to apologize to YOU. I am dealing with that w/ my SIL right now... they always apologize to our husbands and it's up to them to show them why they should apologize to us.

[twinkiesmom]

Can't give u MIL advice, cuz mine died the first year dh and I met. I would hope tho that when MIL calls n sez she's sorry to dh, etc., dh would tell her that it would be nice if his wife could hear the same words since it was u that she spouted off to. Stick to your guns. I don't blame u for not wanting son around that nasty smell. I can always tell when my kids have been to SIL's house. ick.

[tommyjo]

I have no clue what to say to you, I /Hubby are smokers..do not smoke in our own home since we bought it two years ago..but we still smoke, ok?
I think your wishes should be followed, but can say that if my daughter kept my grandkids from me just because i smelled like smoke?? Think I would have a problem with that decision. There is a compromise somewhere out there, dont smoke around the grandkids(not same place) but her smoking is her decision and if out somewhere away from kids, then as you say none of your business. As I say tho, we do not smoke in our home as our own decision. JMHO

[babymaniac]

Could you please post the link for the Mother-in-laws from hell website ?? TIA

[justme23]

Originally posted by babymaniac
Could you please post the link for the Mother-in-laws from hell website ?? TIA

http://motherinlawstories.com/

[babymaniac]

Thank you ,justme23:)

[justme23]

Originally posted by babymaniac
Thank you ,justme23:)

NP :)

[momfromTN]

I post on that website and the marital problems are NOT always caused because the wife is "stubborn". How much should a person take? Why should the wives always be the ones to give in? Maybe if some MEN would defend their wives and stop allowing their faaaaaamilies to treat their wives like a pile of dog poop, there would be less problems. Bottom line: It is YOUR child. You have to do what is best for the child. If there is any resentment on the husband's part, then it proves who he loves more and he needs some serious psychological help to get him over his obsession with his "mommy". Why should the MIL's feeeeeelings be the only ones that matter and we DILS just have to suck it up? Once you marry, you promise to love that person ABOVE all others. In our house, if the ILS treat me like crap, they don't see the kids. That was a rule I made because of years of snide remarks and crappy treatment. It was a condition to stay married and my DH agreed with me. So we made it known, and so far, no problems.

I think the MIL is TOTALLY in the wrong here, and doesn't need unsupervised visits with the child. She also has no "rights" to the child, legal or otherwise. That is a privledge. I would allow her to visit at your home but only after she apologizes to YOU for speaking to you like you are dirt. You have to stand up to bullies, family or not, or they will run right over you. If she cannot apologize, then she needs to stay away until she can grow up and treat the MOTHER of the grandchild with basic respect.


And BTW, if my family EVER treated my DH like I have been treated, I would have cut them off COMPLETELY, years ago. I don't put up with crap from anyone anymore.

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

Originally posted by justme23
http://motherinlawstories.com/

OMG that is too funny lol where or how did you find that site? I love it.

My ex MIL makes for a good book..I met her when she was discharged form the looney bin in Kansas,she had no where to go,so I let her come with us (Hubby was upset with me) he told me stories but I didn't realize the truth until she came....:eek: she was skeery!

But happily she is the "EX" MIL from hell :D

[nightrider127]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by momfromTN
In our house, if the ILS treat me like crap, they don't see the kids.

I could never use kids like that, more or less as a bargaining chip. It's not fair to them. And before I get flamed, let me say that I had the original MIL from you know where. My FIL wasn't much better. I stayed away from them myself but if my husband wanted to take our son around them, nothing was said. They were, after all, our sons grand parents too. Now if hubby came home and started jumping onto me or my son treated me with disrespect, there would have been a problem. That never happened. I would even let the in laws visit our home, all I asked for was a chance to leave the house before they got there. Now I know that this is a hard thing to do, it was hard for me.

And, I did learn something from my MIL: How to be a good one, lol.

[momfromTN]

Nightrider, I see your point. However, my belief is that if my ILS treat me with disrespect and my kids see that, it teaches them that it is ok to diss mom. Same with my side of the family. If they disrespect my DH, that teaches them it is ok to diss dad. Now, I have not had to actually use that "rule". This rule came after years of disrespect and ridicule and snarky comments every time I saw them. When I finally began to take up for myself things changed. They know I don't take the crap and so far, so good. But, when my DH wanted to move back here, there were some conditions, and that "rule" was one of them. I may not like my inlaws very much, but I don't diss them in front of the kids and I treat them with basic respect. I want my kids to like them. But, I have heard some of my SILs diss another brother's wife, right in front of their kids, so I know it would happen with me. So, thats what we agreed to. But, I would only use that if needed. It is not for every little occurrance. My kids deserve a life where their aunts and uncles and grandparents treat their mother with respect.

[momfromTN]

AND..kids need to have a life where their father loves their mother enough to not allow her to be treated badly.

[Vanilla]

MomfromTN I agree with EVERYTHING you said. I think your in-laws are related to mine. When you break everything down, all we are left with is how we treat one another. Not to turn this thread into my experiences but, I give respect to the in-laws and have put up with snide insults for the LAST time. MomfromTN is right! If you don't stand your ground, you give them the green light to continue their behavior. As far as the ciggy smoke is concerned, it has been scientifically proven to cause long-term health problems. Your husband needs to protect his "family unit" and his child's health.

[nightrider127]

MOmfrtn, that is not going to happen. Trust me, your children will make the right choices. Today, our son is nearly 34 years old. He has next to nothing to do with his dads family. And I can look back with a clear conscious (sp) that it was through no fault of my own that things turned out the way they did.

My husband would never put up with my inlaws going after me in his presence. He would have stopped going around them himself if they did. They did their meaness in front of me or in front of other family members who were more than glad to pass it on to me. I actually think he wanted Randy to learn to make choices too, and make them he did.

I will be a MIL myself in the near future. Maybe I should be thankful to my MIL for showing me how not to behave.

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by nightrider127
MOmfrtn, that is not going to happen. Trust me, your children will make the right choices. Today, our son is nearly 34 years old. He has next to nothing to do with his dads family. And I can look back with a clear conscious (sp) that it was through no fault of my own that things turned out the way they did.

My husband would never put up with my inlaws going after me in his presence. He would have stopped going around them himself if they did. They did their meaness in front of me or in front of other family members who were more than glad to pass it on to me. I actually think he wanted Randy to learn to make choices too, and make them he did.

I will be a MIL myself in the near future. Maybe I should be thankful to my MIL for showing me how not to behave.


I am sure you will make a fine MIL. I plan to be a good one too. I will not interfere or treat my DILs with disrespect, even IF I was not crazy about them. I would be happy my son was happy. What MILs don't realize is that the DILs hold the "key" to their family, in ,most cases. Acting like a B**ch might get you on bad terms with your son and deny you access to the grandkids.

You are lucky your DH would take up for you. Mine rarely has. It is ok to hurt me, but his precious faaaaaamily's feeeeelings cannot be hurt. I have been told to suck it up and that "thats just the way they arrrrre". Bull! People are the way "they are" because they are ALLOWED to do so.

As far as the kids, I feel no guilt whatsoever and if the crap EVER starts up again, there will be no guilt then either. Whether my inlaws get to know OUR kids is up to them. It is all in their court. I believe in consequences for actions. When people are so rude they, to me, revert back to a little child. Therefore they get treated like a child. My thing is: if my husband loves me, then he wouldn't want the kids around people who disrespect me. Same with me. I wouldn't allow my OWN family to treat DH with disrespect. Same rule on both sides. This HAD to come about, or I was going to divorce DH. I mean it. I love him, but I couldn't live like that.

You might not agree with my methods, and thats ok. But, I feel absolutely fine with it. It HAD to come, after years of taking it and taking it. :(

[nightrider127]

Well you got to do what you think is best, just as I did. What worked for me may not work for you. When the time come for our son to make a choice, he did. And you know, I actually felt sorry for the inlaws. They lost a wonderful grandson by being the way they were.

I am so sorry that your husband does not support you the way he should. That is not right, imo. No one should be forced to take stuff off someone just because they are the mother or father of the husband or the wife.

You will make a fine MIL when the time comes, I am sure. You will have learned from one of the masters.

[Kelsey1224]

Originally posted by justme23
If she doesn't smoke in the house and went through the proper measures of cleaning the house out... AGAIN. Then yes, you should forgive and forget... not for her... for your marriage. If you don't atleast give her 'one more chance', it will eventually cause resentment in your own marriage. I know your husband backs you on the smoke, but it doesn't mean he will expect you and the baby never to see her or for her to only see the baby when you aren't around... which you already said can't happen... and if you refuse it will cause resentment all around. If you read the Mother in Laws from hell website, you can see it in almost every post... the spouse refuses to budge on ANYthing and the husbands almost always resent it... most of them have marital problems because they are so stubborn.

Now after saying that, I wanna repeat... I only think it is necessary to give her ONE more chance... if she screws up again, then stick to your guns!

Edited to add... tell your husband to get his head out of his hiney and tell her to apologize to YOU. I am dealing with that w/ my SIL right now... they always apologize to our husbands and it's up to them to show them why they should apologize to us.

I agree with this completely. Life is too short. Take the high road and be a better person than you MIL. I'm not saying it will be easier, but eventually things will calm down.

I had a similar problem with my MIL...who was a heavy beer-drinker. My SIL never let her watch her children because she said that MIL couldn't be trusted with the kids. Hubby and I felt that it wasn't fair.

Then one night, we came home where MIL was babysitting our children...9 year-old daughter and 1 year-old son. There was an empty 6-pack in the trash...MY TRASH! I hit the roof. First of all I was concerned because my children had been in the care of someone who was drunk and secondly, because my trust had been betrayed.

Hubby at first thought...what's the problem? His mother was at my house and our daughter was there to help. Then I explained to him that the reason for a babysitter is to take care of the kids (which my mature 9 year-old COULD have done.) But it is also to take care of any problems that arise. Did he want his mother behind the wheel of a car driving our children if there was a crisis? He finally got the point. His mother never babysat the kids again...and she found out why.

However...even with this incident...which was major...we still had a very loving relationship. My children adored her. My son...who is getting married in May is grieving over the fact that his grandma (who passed away three years ago) won't be there.

Don't keep your son from his grandma...just monitor the situations that they are together.

[MOM2B2003]

BOY! Alot of responses in a short time. I KNEW I wasn't the only one out there with a bad MIL.

Now, I agree with everything that has been said about how I have to forgive and get on, give her ONE more chance, etc., etc., for my DH and son's sake. This is true.

My DH told his mother, after I made it perfectly clear to him, that she WILL NOT talk like that to me in MY home nor any other place again. I said that there WILL NOT be a next time.

She told him that she understands where he is coming from. He told her that she does not have to agree with our rules, but she has to respect them.

She did apologize, albeit to my DH and NOT to me. She told him she was sorry for what she did. She realizes that it puts him in the middle and then he has to choose. She said she does not want to make him choose because she knows that I am his wife and he made a vow to stick beside me.

My DH and I talked in great detail about the situation. He knows it is going to take me some time to heal. You don't burn a bridge and rebuild it in one day. I have made it clear that I am going to try. But I asked his help in getting me through it.

See, my hubby and I were best friends before we started dating. We have that foundation. I thank God for that, especially given the type of person my MIL is. She has several sisters and they do this kind of thing to each other all the time! They yell and carry on at each other and get each other all worked up and crying (they try to see who can hurt who the worst!) then the next day, sometimes even an hour later, they act like nothing happened. I told my hubby yesterday, I am NOT that kind of person. Words are weapons sometimes, and if used that way toward me, I can become mortally wounded. I told him he needs to make sure that she understands that. It took us (my MIL and I) over 10 years to even get a "decent" relationship going because of how she is. Then in a matter of 10 minutes, that went up in smoke. My hubby understands my explanation on how I feel and why I feel that way. He has promised to help me through this, too, and I have promised to try again. But only ONE more try, then that's it!

I think you all can see that I am not unreasonable here, but I am solid in my beliefs and what I think is right and best for my son.

Thanks for all the input. It also helps to hear that other ppl have these problems, too!

[tina z]

Hopefully those of us with awful MILs will learn to be good MILs. My hubby was taught that his family, meaning the ones he was born to, always came first. He is learning the hard way that the family he chose is the one that should come first. Rmemeber the Bible verse, Man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife. And the wedding vow to Forsake all others.


He used to take their side and tell me, whenever I would complain to him about their actions, that I was "just making trouble".


LOL, people who do not know him, have told him that his mother is a HUGE PIA. It was a blessing, even if the people that told him were embarrassed to find out they were talking about mommy dearest.

[AngelGrim]

Sorry but if she lied once and did and then had the disrespect to have a fit and say those things to you then it would take a lot for me to trust her again. She would have to prove herself to me first or forget it. Jmo, not saying that is what you have to do but hey if your dh respects how you felt as a child would he want his to go through the same thing?!

[iluvmybaby]

:eek: You need to look for other care, it is obvious she cant keep to her word, and if you dont feel comfortable dont do something that you think is wrong. Find a dependable sitter, then let your hubby and his mom duel it out

[Dizzyontheweb]

Your dh may have thought he was standing by you when he said for neither of you to fuss. I know my dh used to tell me not to "upset" his mom. Once when talking to her while he was outside during a visit, found out he had told her the same thing about me. We decided to discuss things face to face after that, and for awhile things got better. That is not to say she is not another member of the mils from hell club.
She did something against dh's wishes by choosing another son's at the funeral home when my fil died. Hurt him bad. So now I do not have to put up with her so much. :D Now if I could only move away from the area!

[freeplease]

daycare plan. Obviously, this woman doesn't respect your wishes. Would you put up with that from someone you paid to watch your child? And with her screwed up logic, who's to say she doesn't shut the door to the baby's room and light up? Afterall, it's not like she's smoking right next to the baby...you see what I mean?
MIL's aren't the most logical. I speak from vast experience. My DH used to call me Yoko, because everytime I said anything to my MIL, she countered with "Oh, no!" lol That woman never let up.
Good luck on your situation. My best advice is caller ID, and a peep hole for your front door. ;)

[justme23]

Originally posted by momfromTN
I post on that website and the marital problems are NOT always caused because the wife is "stubborn". How much should a person take? Why should the wives always be the ones to give in? Maybe if some MEN would defend their wives and stop allowing their faaaaaamilies to treat their wives like a pile of dog poop, there would be less problems. Bottom line: It is YOUR child. You have to do what is best for the child. If there is any resentment on the husband's part, then it proves who he loves more and he needs some serious psychological help to get him over his obsession with his "mommy". Why should the MIL's feeeeeelings be the only ones that matter and we DILS just have to suck it up? Once you marry, you promise to love that person ABOVE all others. In our house, if the ILS treat me like crap, they don't see the kids. That was a rule I made because of years of snide remarks and crappy treatment. It was a condition to stay married and my DH agreed with me. So we made it known, and so far, no problems.

I think the MIL is TOTALLY in the wrong here, and doesn't need unsupervised visits with the child. She also has no "rights" to the child, legal or otherwise. That is a privledge. I would allow her to visit at your home but only after she apologizes to YOU for speaking to you like you are dirt. You have to stand up to bullies, family or not, or they will run right over you. If she cannot apologize, then she needs to stay away until she can grow up and treat the MOTHER of the grandchild with basic respect.


And BTW, if my family EVER treated my DH like I have been treated, I would have cut them off COMPLETELY, years ago. I don't put up with crap from anyone anymore.

Maybe I wasn't clear enough... as stated in my original post, a person generally should only be given 'one more chance'... I've read that site for more than a year... some of these girls go into their marriages hating the mother in law w/out giving her ANY chance... I mean seriously, some of the things the girls gripe about and are refusing to speak to her about are the most assinine, acting like a 2 year old, problems. I'm sorry if that's rude of me, but it's how I feel when reading... I sit and laugh and think 'god, I wish that's all I had to worry about... life would be good!'

There are just as many who have legitimate gripes and those ppl should stand their ground and not take sh*t from anyone. I never meant to imply that anyone should roll over and take it up the bum from their MILs, just that quite a few of them are seriously upset over stuff that doesn't even matter in real life and it DOES cause resentment problems in their marriage... you know cause they post about that too and ya sit and think 'well gee, I WONDER why he resents you'.

Edited to add: DBD, I found it here actually... a long time ago!

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by justme23
Maybe I wasn't clear enough... as stated in my original post, a person generally should only be given 'one more chance'... I've read that site for more than a year... some of these girls go into their marriages hating the mother in law w/out giving her ANY chance... I mean seriously, some of the things the girls gripe about and are refusing to speak to her about are the most assinine, acting like a 2 year old, problems. I'm sorry if that's rude of me, but it's how I feel when reading... I sit and laugh and think 'god, I wish that's all I had to worry about... life would be good!'

There are just as many who have legitimate gripes and those ppl should stand their ground and not take sh*t from anyone. I never meant to imply that anyone should roll over and take it up the bum from their MILs, just that quite a few of them are seriously upset over stuff that doesn't even matter in real life and it DOES cause resentment problems in their marriage... you know cause they post about that too and ya sit and think 'well gee, I WONDER why he resents you'.

Edited to add: DBD, I found it here actually... a long time ago!


Oh, I was not direting my post personally at you. I understand some stuff on there is so trivial to some. But others have been putting up with silly crap for years and it adds up. And others have had the MIL and other ILS from Hell. I have been lucky that my situation has not been as serious as some. My main gripe is the husbands who love their mommas and faaaaamiles more than the wife they promised to love above ALL others. That the wife is just supposed to take it and take it and suck it up and ask for more. That his family is allowed to be rude and nasty and treat his wife like a dog turd and it is ok. To me, if you love your spouse, then you stick up for them.

[Army-Mom]

So many stories about bad mother-in-laws I just had to give one for the good mother-in-law.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years and I lost my mother-in-law on the 2nd of Dec. She was a wonderfull women, in all the years we were married she never said not one cross word to me..when my hubby and I would get into it she would just tell me dont let him mistreat you honey...we went shopping together and we spent alot of time together and I miss her so much. just wanted to throw one in there for the good ones ;)

[ezmoney163]

Here is another for the good. I loved my mil dearly. I miss her terribly, I wish she would be here to enjoy my DD and the grandson's she will never be able to hold. Yes we had times we did not get along but they were out numbered by the times we did. She was my friend and I truely miss her. I am sorry you think you have the worst MIL but that is not reason to keep a child away from her, smoking is bad but as long as it is not while she has the baby. I personally ( and this is just my opinion) you are a first time mommy and are worried about everything, I mean you basically made yourself sick in a few hours so....... I think it is new mommy syndrome. Just remember this, there is such a thing as "Grandparents rights" no court is really going to take smoking into concideration UNLESS the child has existing conditions that would worsen with her smoking.

((HUGS))) Hope you can mend fences.

[Dizzyontheweb]

I always tell my hubby that he got the better mil! I think if we divorced, they would keep him instead of me.

[momfromTN]

Originally posted by ezmoney163
Here is another for the good. I loved my mil dearly. I miss her terribly, I wish she would be here to enjoy my DD and the grandson's she will never be able to hold. Yes we had times we did not get along but they were out numbered by the times we did. She was my friend and I truely miss her. I am sorry you think you have the worst MIL but that is not reason to keep a child away from her, smoking is bad but as long as it is not while she has the baby. I personally ( and this is just my opinion) you are a first time mommy and are worried about everything, I mean you basically made yourself sick in a few hours so....... I think it is new mommy syndrome. Just remember this, there is such a thing as "Grandparents rights" no court is really going to take smoking into concideration UNLESS the child has existing conditions that would worsen with her smoking.

((HUGS))) Hope you can mend fences.



http://www.abanet.org/family/familylaw/table6.html

"Grandparent's rights" are hard to get. Thank God the law has not totally given all rights to toxic people!

[ezmoney163]

Thanks for the link. I will read it. :D My grandma and grandpa got grandparents rights given to them when I was young. Personally I had a terrible mother and step father , whom just because they were a little strange didn't want me around my grandparents, it was their was of punishment. Not only to me but to my grandparents. I am so glad my lawyer and judge saw the true reason, because I honestly believe I would be a different person now.(basically I would have been alot of trouble and no good) :rolleyes: I am not sure what you mean by toxic, but I don't think this MIL is "Toxic" she is a granma and a mom, unless she is abusing the baby I donno why the lawould say she would not be around it??

Make peace with the woman is what I say, she will always be a part of your childs life, every child deserves a grandparent weather they smoke or not. (No I am not a smoker, so that is not why I say this.) As long as they are loving and not a wack job, give her the oppertunity to love your child. :):):)

[Njean31]

i agree with the above poster, i don't believe her smoking makes her toxic. people who smoke are not setting out to kill all the world with their second hand smoke. yes, there are some inconsiderate smokers who give the rest a bad name i guess. but, if you withhold the child from her just cause she smokes, she could legally take you to court and they would want to know why you think she is unfit to visit with your child and when you tell them it's because she smokes, that just ain't gonna cut it unless your child had preexising respiratory problems and she continues to smoke. i understand your point though, it is your wishes and she isn't complying. sticky and tough, good luck

[momfromTN]

This is not about the smoking.

Parents have the right to allow or not allow people to see their child. Blatent disregard for a parents wishes, being a control freak and being a jerk about the whole thing is being toxic. And, if I don't want someone around my child because they smoke it is MY RIGHT as a parent to not allow it. Now, if the OP's MIL would visit at their house, then no problem. But the OP has a problem with the cigarette smoke, which HAS been proven to cause health problems, then it is her right to not allow her child around the smoke. We parents still have rights in this country and our rights should come BEFORE the whims of a selfish grandparent who doesn't care enough about the wishes of her DIL and son and the well-being of her GC to not smoke around her.

[mesue]

I am a grandmother and used to smoke, whenever my daughter came home for a visit I had to smoke in the dining room with the windows open and the door to that room was kept closd the entire time she visited. I did not feel she was asking too much I thought she was just being a good Mom and being protective of my grandchild. Studies have shown that children exposed to second hand smoke have a higher number of upper respiatory infections and this includes ear infections.

[MOM2B2003]

WOW!! What a response!!

NJean31, I wanna take a step back here. The post before yours mentioned someone fighting for grandparents rights because the parents weren't doing such a great job as parents. My DH and I are GREAT parents. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my DS. So, if my MIL wanted to fight for rights, bring it on.

With that being said, I have no problem with my MIL and FIL being a part of my DS life. In fact, I WANT them to be. HOWEVER, given my health history, I CANNOT accept her smoking in the same house where my son is going to be. I was VERY sick as a child. On top of the asthma, allergenic bronchitis, bronchitis, etc., I would get whopping cough, flu, tonsilitis, strep throat, etc. Back then no one knew all the harmful effects cigarette smoke could cause. BUT now we do! Cigarette smoke actually paralizes the cilia in the nose making them not work as they should. They are your primary source of defense. They are supposed to swoosh and move around and filter toxins and bacteria out before they get in. But when exposed to cigarette smoke, they become paralyzed, therefore unable to do their job, and then the toxins and bacteria are able to enter the body. I was exposed to cigarette smoke on a daily basis as a child. No one knew any better!

Knowing everything they know about the effects of second-hand smoke now and knowing what I went through as a child, I WILL NOT under any circumstances allow my son to be around cigarette smoke. It is not rocket science here. And if I had to go to court, I have medical records to back me up, not to mention all the information out there that is VERY READILY available about the effects of second-hand smoke.

BUT, BUT, BUT.......Before I go getting all worked up........My MIL has apologized. She is giving her best effort at quitting. She says she finally understands how strongly I feel about this issue and that I am my DS mother and her son is his father, and as his parents, we HAVE to do what we see in his best interests. She came over to our house earlier this week to see our DS. For the first time in over 10 years, I smelled no trace of cigarette smoke on her. She has asked us to pray for her that she can quit. She said she knows that it is a very unhealthy habit and that not only is it better if our DS is not around it, but it would be better for her if she didn't do it!

So, time will tell. We are giving her another chance. But only ONE more. The next time.......well, there won't be a "next" time.

[Njean31]

i'm not trying to be picky but i don't think that if she were to smoke at home, then come over to your house with a freshly laundered shirt (albeit she's smoked a cigarette while wearing)... i doubt that it would hurt anyone unless they were allergic to it. it may smell unpleasant. i think it is the actual smoke from the cigarette that contains all the toxins. unless your baby were to suck on her clothes, i don't see the harm in her smoking (concerning your baby) unless she does it while the baby is around or the baby comes into an area where people were smoking. that is an awful lot of stress for someone that they HAVE to quit smoking in order to see their grandchild. maybe i've read it all wrong....and i am biased because i am a smoker:( if so sorry

edited to say that oh, i see where i got that from. from in your post above where it said for the first time in 10 years you smelled no cigarette smoke on her.

[Quaker_Parrots]

Hun if your MIL is serious about quitting, have her get Zyban from her Dr. My hubby has been quit a year now(tried the patch, didn't work) He was a die hard smoker, smoked from the time he was 12. When he was working(driving truck) he would smoke up to 4 packs a day. He did the Zyban, and actually QUIT!!! He would swear he would never quit, he had rather die, and now he has been smoke free for a year. When he started the Zyban and quit, he couldn't stand being around anyone that smoked, said they smelled soooooo bad(made him more sensitive to it)His habit lasted for 25 years, and I for one am glad he kicked it, I lost my mom to lung cancer(she smoked for twice that long)

[mom4angels]

The whole point is that this lady's wishes were totally discounted. She didn't want her child near second hand smoke. My DH smokes but not in the house. I don't want my children around it. Then when she decided to take her child home her MIl basically over reacted in my book. She really needed to apologize to you not your DH. But one thing be thankful that you have a MIL that loves your child. If you can work out everything else. My MIL lives across the road from us and doesn't see her three grandkids but on birthdays and holidays. Sometimes not then. She could care less about them or her son. She is the biggest nightmare. Just when I think that she can't hurt my Dh anymore, she manages to do something worst then the last time and breaks is heart one more time. I just bite my tongue because he has said more then once that he has tried to hate her but he can't. He loves her but he doesn't like her very much. So I sit by while she disrespects my family just because he is her mother. I am just waiting for my time to be able to tell her what a true B-tch she really is.

[MOM2B2003]

NJean31, First, let me say that I DID NOT tell my MIL that she had to quit. She volunteered that all on her own. I DID say that my son WILL NOT be in a home that has been smoked in, so that choice is hers. If she smokes in her home, my son cannot be in it.

Also, if you can SMELL cigarette smoke, the harmful effects are present. I checked with our pediatrician's office on that one.

And, yes, I did allow my MIL to be around him even though I can smell cigarette smoke on her clothes. So, we did give her a little lee-way (dunno how to spell that!) However, as moms4angels so correctly put it, she totally discounted my wishes about smoking in the home. I did not originally mention this, but she did this on a day when she thought I had no choice but to leave my son there all day. I had missed Mon & Tues at work due to inclement weather, that Wed I had to leave work early for dr's appt, so I HAD to go to work Thursday (the day it happened)due to work load and cuz I didn't want to p*ss my boss off TOO much. So, I was put between a rock and a hard place, which was totally unfair to me. Luckily I have a very understanding boss and once I explained the situation, he allowed me to leave and take care of it.

I know smoking is a controversial issue, depending on which side of the fence you are on. But if you look beyond the smoking to the bare fact that our wishes as parents were blatently ignored on a day that she thought I was "stuck" as far as I had to leave him there in order to get my butt to work.......It was very wrong.

But, as I said, she has apologized, and we are trying to mend fences. Only time will tell............

[Azriel_LittleHawk]

1. no you don't have to forgive her..that is solely YOUR choice.

2. YOU and your HUSBAND are the 1st and realy most important line of defense for your child.

3. if the MIL, bitca that she is, can't manage to curb her addiction then screw her!


((preparing meself for the flaming about to ensue if any)

would you leave your kid with a crack addict? thank gods you realised what she was doing to your sweetling. and got him out of there!

4. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING TAKING YOUR BABY OUT OF HER HOME!!!

5. obviously the hubby backed you on it. so on that score your good to go.

6. i wouldn't allow her in my home..cause even though she isn;'t actively smoking in your home? her clothes are permeated with those toxins..the clothing that rubs against your childs skin when she hold him, changes his diapoer etc.

7 she needs a friggin reality check YOU are this baby's mum..as such , sucks to be the bitca MIL but she isn't gauranteed a part in this childs life!!

8. my home is a smoke free home. being raised by a smoker who's death while not solely from tobacco use? was certainly made worse by his use of this product. i had lung troubles my entire life to date. once when i allowed a freind to stay with me? she chain smoked the month she stayed with me. and i then went into not only broncitis but a lung infection as well. never friggin again. if i get involved with a smoker? he/she will smoke the hell outside. i absolutely will not allow it in my home. period!

9. good luck and smooch that lil one!! how dare that harpy go off on you!!! smack the bitca!!

g'luck!!