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View Full Version : Contemplating the big "D"



jan8262
01-29-2004, 05:13 PM
Hi everyone!

Not really a vent, but looking for advise or anything else -

My story - married 19 years and ready to be divorced!

After about 7 years of marriage my husband started distancing himself from me, and basically, we stopped being intimate, stopped talking about anything except the kids, etc etc. Tried counseling, counselors (yes, plural) even kept asking why we were staying married.

It is not an abusive relationship, but well, it's just not a marriage either.

Now we even sleep in separate rooms, rarely see each other, and honestly, never have any intimacy. (its been maybe once every 2 yrs for the past 8 yrs)

Now it looks like we will be having to sell the house because of financial reasons, and I am thinking that this would be a good time to just "do it"

My daughters are teens, driving soon, and more and more independent.
Originally I was going to wait until they were out of high school, but I don't think I should wait any more.

He is almost 50 now, and I don't think it would be fair to him to wait a few more years.

So - I am thinking that I will go ahead and start this in the next couple of months.

Whenever I think of divorcing, I feel lighter, freer, and happier. I even dread of it sometimes, and hate to wake up from those dreams.

Any advise of what I should do/should not do, or words of encouragement or anything at all?

Momof2totsand1teen
01-29-2004, 05:24 PM
Do what is best for you. When you said you feel lighter, freer and happier when you think of divorcing, there is your answer. Since your kids are not babies, they probably won't be surprised. Kids are very smart and since you are sleeping in separate rooms, they have to know there are problems.

Good luck with whatever you decide. :)

twinkiesmom
01-29-2004, 05:38 PM
Originally posted by Momof2totsand1teen
Do what is best for you. When you said you feel lighter, freer and happier when you think of divorcing, there is your answer. Since your kids are not babies, they probably won't be surprised. Kids are very smart and since you are sleeping in separate rooms, they have to know there are problems.

Good luck with whatever you decide. :)

Couldn't have said it any better.

MamaFairal
01-29-2004, 05:59 PM
JMHO

Speaking from experience......


There were 7 of us kids all 3 yrs apart....As long as i can remember my Mom/Dad always slept in seperate beds(twins).....worked different shifts.....never spoke......were rarely together even in the same room.

They stayed together for the "KIDS" and waited till the last one graduated high school before they divorced.

I never remember them ever saying "I love you" to each other..hugging..laughing..or just being happy!


DO IT NOW....IF NOT FOR YOURSELF..THEN FOR YOUR KIDS!

schsa
01-29-2004, 06:00 PM
If you are serious about getting out, start now to protect your interests. Start making appointments with lawyers and ask for a consultation so you know what your rights are. Make the first move towards divorce. Take your name off of anything joint. Be sure that the utilites for the house are in your name. That way he can't cut them off.

Be sure that you have your own money. If you don't work, start looking for a job, or even better, make the effort to go back to school and upgrade your skill set. If you don't feel that you can do that at this time, when you divorce, ask for alimony so that you can go to school and at some point support yourself. If you do work, start putting money aside for a lawyer and anything that might come up where you will need extra cash and he won't pay. Also take your name off of all joint credit cards and know the date you did it. That way anything that is charged after that date is his responsibility not yours.

Get your name on the better car. You want to be sure that you have reliable transportation. If necessary, buy a new car before you start divorce procedings.

Get a cell phone. This is a just in case. Just in case he gets nasty and you need to call the police.

Keep in mind that you have to think of you first and the needs of your children. That means he pays support as well as paying for their college education. Start reviewing any financial documents as well as any thing that has monitary value such as life insurance policies and 401K accounts.

The more you know, the more power you have, the better you will come out when the divorce is over. You first, always.

andreame70
01-29-2004, 06:05 PM
Originally posted by jan8262

He is almost 50 now, and I don't think it would be fair to him to wait a few more years.


It wouldn't be fair to you. You are a kind woman, I can tell because you still think of him first. Hon, it sounds like it was really over a long time ago. You have to do what makes YOU happy and forget about what "everyone" else may think about you for doing it. I stayed in my first marriage a lot longer than I should have, simply because of what I thought everyone else would think. Then it dawned on me. "Hey! This is my happiness we are talking about here." At that point, I did what I had to do and didn't look back. I have never been sorry. Good luck!

Andrea

EMSnurse
01-29-2004, 06:16 PM
Your story sounds exactly like mine, except we had no children together. I didn't hate him or anything, but we had no marriage. We were more like roommates. When we decided to divorce I cried the first day, then I felt pure relief. I had thought I was doomed to a not-so-normal life, not horrible but certainly not happy. I've since remarried and now have a wonderful husband and I am truly happy. I believe I would have spent the rest of my days with only fond memories of what a real relationship is like. Divorcing him was the best thing I've ever done. Take this little story for what it's worth, and good luck to you. I hope whatever you decide is what will make you happy.

wubbywa
01-29-2004, 07:40 PM
If you can keep it peaceful do what you can, and it is amazing how you feel when it is done and over with. Been there and dont want to go back.

suzziq03
01-29-2004, 09:19 PM
If you feel its what you have to do then do it. My divorce was finalized yesterday and I could not be happier ( perfect bday present for me today :) ), my children are 4,7,and 11. they are ok with it, they miss him sense he is in another state and has been for months, but we are all content now. The children dont have to hear us argue, or see us glare at one another. etc.
Im starting from scratch, no house, no car, no job, no nothing and several bills to pay, but I know that Ill make it because I want to and have to for my kids and to prove to myself that I can do it, after hearing for 10 years that I could not do anything without him.
If you are happier and lighter with each thought of it, then my OPINION is to go ahead with it. it took me months before I got up and had mine done, I was fighting within myself, debating with myself, and yes, even arguing with myself aloud at times because it was making me crazy thinking, what if this, what if that..... and I finally came to the conclusion that I could not live the rest of my life with 'what if', but I had to live with 3 kids who needed me and my mind to be arround for them, to help them, and not be so disconnected from myself, which disconnected me from them. I know I rambled and im sorry, but I sure hope you work this out. I know its tough, if you need anything, give a holler ok. just put bbs in subj. write to me = susanrenee74@wmconnect.com

DAVESBABYDOLL
01-30-2004, 05:56 AM
I was married for 17 years...when I knew it was time..I did it,found my own place,I had a job already,my friend and her kids helped me move in less then 2 days (think Griswalds moving~ lol 2 women and 6 kids,1 jeep,1 beater car with a mattress on the top) It was sooo fun because I felt FREE :) Life goes on,that was 4 years ago,I have since bought a beautiful house in the woods,kids are happy,life's good.Do what you have to do.schsa, gave you some great advice...I did most of what she said too,so I was ready.


G'Luck !

ShelleyG
01-30-2004, 06:08 AM
I felt so relieved when my X and I got divorced like a weight was taken off my chest. course I hated him LOLOLOLOL and he was abusive both verbally and physically

KYgirl
01-30-2004, 06:22 AM
Originally posted by jan8262
After about 7 years of marriage my husband started distancing himself from me, and basically, we stopped being intimate, stopped talking about anything except the kids, etc etc.


Now we even sleep in separate rooms, rarely see each other, and honestly, never have any intimacy. (its been maybe once every 2 yrs for the past 8 yrs)



1ST OF ALL: You have to do what is the best for you..Plain and Simple if your not Happy, no need in making yourself stay (been there done that) It does take time to heal from wounds, but you can do I did ;)


Next: I quoted you above for this reason
Do you think your Husband is having Problems with his well... "Winkie" Maybe he isn't able to perform often?
It is a Thought Because this does happen to men and Most well Distance theirselves from their wife/lover/etc. without Talking about it.



Well with whatever you Do...GOOD LUCK!!!
And do it for yourself because you are the one YOU have to PLEASE

{{{{jan8263))))

ladyseals
01-30-2004, 06:31 AM
I wish you the best!

jan8262
01-30-2004, 11:52 AM
Thanks everyone

Feels kind of like climbing to the top of the roller coaster, waiting for the drop at the other side - but it should come out ok.

Basically I think everything will be ok - both well employed, good cars, our own incomes, etc

One thing in looking at the paperwork (researching online)

I had forgotten that you have the option to take your name back - What do you think? My maiden name was somewhat exotic, and my married name is a very common plain name.

Any thoughts on that?

Davesbabydoll - I can just picture the "Griswald's Move!" Hilarious!

schsa
01-30-2004, 12:29 PM
You can ask for your maiden name back as part of the divorce procedings.

As long as you can take care of yourself, it's time to move on. Make the first step and call a lawyer.

AngelGrim
01-30-2004, 05:22 PM
If your not really having a decent marriage, then why be in it, you have tried all the avenues it seems to save it and I think personally that you have tried and that now it is time to make a new life or suffocate in the one your in, jmo. I will say a prayer for you to have guidance and peace in this situation.