Totally depressed with Life

[mom4angels]

I haven't vented in a long time. I really need to vent . I am a SAHM that desperately needs some me time. My Dh is a good person don't get me wrong but he just doesn't help me at all. He is a contractor so he works when he has a job but when he doesn't have one he lays on the sofa and sleeps. I think that he has a sleeping disorder but I can't convince him to go get tested. When he works I understand him not helping me because he is tired when he gets home. But there is alot of home time for him and I would just like him to help clean the house so it isn't all on me all the time. I don't ask for help often but when I really need it for my sanity and he says no it really does pi-- me off. We have four kids that I take care of. He does stay with them when I need to go to the store but he just lays there and lets them destroy the house , I rather take them
with me,then have to go gorcery shopping and have to clean up when I get home. My house stays a wreak all the time because it is small and I do have three little angels that tear everything up five minutes after you clean it. My fourth child is thirteen so I am sure you understand how she is without even explaining her reaction to cleaning. She does clean when I make her with alot of lip to go with it. It just what to disappear by myself. I wish I could get a massage or something like that but I live in a really small area with nothing here. I am sorry for venting for so long it is just annoying sometimes. I do love my DH I just want to get the same respect I give him and I don't get it like I want it.:( :( :(

[JWWB2000]

Not sure what to say but maybe you could arrange a sleepover for all the kids to go to someone's house for the night and just have some quiet time for yourself. I know that isn't always easy to do but maybe it could be done. I am just not sure of the ages of you little ones.

[karefree]

I know how you feel. I have a good husband. We have been married for almost 23 years and during that time he has supported myself and his son. He has kept us clothed and fed and housed. He remembers birthdays and special occasions sometimes and thanks me for the things I do sometimes but the house cleaning and the baby raising have been mostly my responsibilities. Is that totally fair? No but I wouldn't have wanted to change places with him either. I saw first steps and first words and first days of schools. I was home with my son when he was sick and able to read him a story and enjoy those growing up years in a way my husband wasn't able to. I know it can get overwhelming and sometimes you just need a little time for yourself. But, believe me, my son is 21 now and I am so glad that I was there for him all the time. Talk to your husband and see if he would be willing to do something with the kids once a week (maybe a meal at McDonalds and playtime in the recess area) so that you can have a little time for yourself. And then use it for something like a long bubble bath with nobody hammering on the bathroom door. Bless your heart, it WILL get better.

[mom4angels]

Karefree Bless you for reminding me on a bad day the things that
I really do appreciate. I wouldn't trade places with him either on some times because he did miss one of our cildren's first steps. I know I should be thinking how lucky I am to be able to stay at home with my babies because alot of moms that want to and can't. It is because of my DH that I get to do it. I think that I will suggest him taking them to McDonald's when they get a little older. My three little ones are 4 and 2. We have twins and they are a handful. My 13 year old does help sometimes but of course she is a teen now and acts like one. I am hoping that I can get my mom to keep my babies this weekend for a night so my Dh and I can have a date. We need that too.
JWWB Thanks for the idea but that will to have to wait until they get older. They are all at the age where they are a handful but they are getting better. I know that I should appreciate them now because when they get to be a teen you miss the baby.

[karefree]

Mom4angels, you have your hands full! Perhaps the 13yo and the daddy could handle the little ones for an occasional McD's trip. It is nice to be able to use the bathromm alone once in a while. And you are SOOOOO right. The babies are so much easier to cuddle than the teenagers. I hope your date is nice this weekend and that it works out for you.

[JWWB2000]

I got an idea for you, maybe when they are down for a nap, you could take a nice soak in the tub. I know it is not always easy to get them to go down for a nap or at least not for me with my 3 year old. Huge Hugs for you and all that you are doing.

[ezmoney163]

(((HUGZ)))

I hate to say it but I know where you are coming from. I have no advice just hugs.

[mom4angels]

JWWB That is an excellent idea I never really thought of that but I am going to do that tomorrow no matter how much cleaning I have to do. Thanks so much for your ideas.

[zitra]

((((HUGS))))

[JWWB2000]

Just trying to help!!! You have to remember to take a little time for yourself, even if it is just 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there. Take care and let us know how the soak went!!

[rlynn411]

One thing I did when my kids were small was to come up with an organization systems for the toys. I bought ventilated shelving, and lots of rubbermaid boxes in various sizes. Everything was sorted, with help from the kids, and put in the boxes, which I put on shelves that they could not reach on their own. It cut way down on the mess.They were able to choose a box or two at a time...and could only get another box when they picked up the previous ones. Eventually it was second nature to them to clean up after themselves. I'm probably in the minority, but i have always figured if they could get it out the could pick it up. It also made it easy when I deep cleaned their rooms. When they didn't want to pick up, I did it for them and then I took it to the garage. Didn't take to long before my precious mess makers caught on.Now that there 8 and 12 they still find ways on their own to keep their rooms organaized. On a normal week I spend about 15 minutes per room and thats basically sweeping, windexing and dusting,and doing a fine tuning. My kids loved to help me clean when they were young, see if you can't get them to help out...make it like a game to them.

My husband leaves each morning around 7 and rolls in about 12 hours later, and though I realize hes put in a full day and wants to unwind, and I had privledge to see all those moments with the kids I still needed time to myself.....and I felt I was entitled to it.

I finally snapped and had a long talk with him the day he started to comment about about me slacking in the wife department. I informed him my day started at the same time as his and even though I was at home with the kids there was no babysitter, cleaning lady,cook, personal shopper, accountant and all the other things it would require to run a house coming here to assist me through the day..so if he wanted the wife thing to improve he was going to help pitch in a little in the evening so the mom thing had a punch out time. Oddly enough it worked..it didn't require but 30-45 minutes of his time, which gave me time to take a shower or bath without a short person sitting at the edge of the tub. In the end everyone got something out of the deal. Kids got some one on one time with daddy, mom got "me" time and the hubby got us time.

I'm sure you know they grow up fast and eventually the chaos becomes cherished memories. In the mean time try to find those few minutes to yourself and see if you can't negotiate with the hubby and the older child to lend a hand.

[Dolly<3]

I have no advice, but plenty of (((((hugs!!!)))))

[iluvmybaby]

I think you need to schedule a YOU day. Warn your hubby a week ahead of time that on ________ day YOU are taking a day off. Take yourself out to eat, go shopping, go to a friends house and relax, do SOMETHING. You deserve some you too, your hubby is just going to have to realize that, stick to your guns and schedule a day for you, he can skip a nap to take care of your kids for an afternoon, a MOM doesnt have a day off, she worsk 24/7 365 I am sure you would LOVE to take a nap. Well nows your chance!

[schsa]

Forget the massage. Find a sitter and take the day off. Go out of town and do something that you want to do. You need a mental health break. And don't worry about the house. I think the box idea is good if you can get it started. It would save you a great deal of picking up time.

Next, don't try to be perfect. I spent a great deal of time trying to be the perfect person, giving to everyone, doing for everyone, and I drove myself insane. If the house is messy, it's just going to be messy again in 10 minutes so don't drive yourself crazy trying to keep up with it. Learn how to use a crock pot. Everything can go in the crock pot and you can ignore it so that you can do what you want.

And give your husband the "I need help" talk. I realize he works hard but so do you. And he needs to give about 15 minutes a day to help you out whether that means doing the dishes or vacuuming, it would help alot. Most house chores can be broken down into 15 minutes. I don't think that it's too much to ask.

[AngelGrim]

I'm a little bit onery about the time I had to pick up after the kids cause he let them tear the house apart cause he was napping, I would probably let the kids go to the garage and make a mess hehe. Do take some time out for yourself or you will burn out. I take time to go shopping with my mom, and to go out to eat with her, it lets me vent with someone who knows me the best. Then I am happy to go back to the wife job. Sometimes hubbys just don't realize everything that goes into taking care of ahouse and kids. Good luck with the ideas everyone has given you and let us know if you are able to try some of them out. Oh and Dollar general started carrying some of the nice sized tubs really reasonable so maybe that really would be a help.

[karefree]

I hope your day is better today and that you are one day closer to your date night with DH. Let us know how that works out, okay?

[mom4angels]

Karefree Thanks for asking The date didn't work out because of babysitter problems but my dh realized today that I need a me day so he is going to watch them tomorrow so I can go out of town shopping for the day Yea! Thanks everybody for the ideas They were great I am going to try buying some boxes for the toys. I had started that with to totes that slid under the bed but they broke one. We'll see how everything works out Thanks again everybody

[karefree]

Enjoy your shopping day and get something for yourself that is absolutely decadent!

[mom4angels]

Karefree My day didn't work out exactly like I planned. I didn't go out of town, but my DH did watch the kids for the afternoon for me to be able to go to all my favorite flea market/second hand store here in town. We have a Antique Mall here to and I found the cutest chicken egg plater for 12.00 and I also got my Dh a huge box of baseball cards for 9.00. So I got three hours of me time a some really neat bargins. THanks for asking. I am hoping that maybe soon we can go on a date. We shall see. You take care

[karefree]

You take care too. Congrats on your great finds and you shopping. I love flea markets and antique stores and such. You can find some really wonderful things there! At least you got your message across to your husband and he is willing to help give you a little time for yourself and here's to you finding a good sitter so that the both of you can go out to dinner and a movie or something.

[JWWB2000]

That is wonderful you had a few hours of the much needed "Me" time. Nice to hear you found some great bargins!!!!

[Ladytiger]

Mom4angels First of all here is lots of hugs for you. Me time is very important. Someone once said to me "You have to feel at your best to be of any help to your kids". At first I didn't like that. I thought what parent ever "feels good" all the time. But I got the real meaning to that.
If you feel worn out, then you will show that to your kids.
If you have to really concentrate to hear what they are saying, they will see that. The list goes on and on.
Are there any other mothers that are your friends, that can maybe do an exchange with you?
What you do is watch their kids, for a night out for them. Then they do the same for you. Designate certain nights. You can go by yourself, or take hubby, the choice is yours. If you don't take hubby, then you won't be coming home to a messy house and you won't "dread" coming home, thus taking away the good feeling of being out.
Also, can it be that hubby is depressed? Might want to look into that Hon.
My prayers and energy are with you!

[VALENA-)45]

HEY MOM, YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN. I HAD 3 SON AND A HUSBAND, ALL MY TIME WAS SPLIT BETWEEN THE HOUSE, THE BOY AND THE HUSBAND, OH, AND THE CAR. WHEN IT CAME TO MONEY, IT WAS SPLIT THE SAME WAY. I NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR MYSELF. ONE DAY I GOT TIERED OF EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING, COMING FIRST BEFORE ME AND I TOLD MY HUBBY, I NEED SOME HELP MANAGING THE HOUSE AND THE BOYS,AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE IT TO ME, ONE DAY YOU WILL COME HOME FROM WORK AND I WILL BE BALD FROM PULLING OUT MY HAIR AND GOING OUT MY MIND. THAT DID THE TRICK, HE STARTED TAKING THE BOYS TO THE PARK, HIS MOTHERS SO THEY COULD PLAY WITH THEIR COUSINS, TO BROOKLYN, SO THEY COULD SEE THEIR COUSINS AND PLAY WITH THEM. IF YOU HAVE SOME FAMILY IN YOUR AREA SEE IF THEY COULD TAKE YOUR KIDS ONCE A WEEK FOR A FEW HOURS, OR MAYBE SOME FRIENDS THAT HAVE KIDS, SEE IF THEY COULD DO THE SAME. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT. GOOD LUCK.