jdglmg
01-18-2004, 01:55 AM
I thought this was an excellent article on the emotions surrounding miscarriage and it can help those of us who have not miscarried but know someone who has...
The Silent Sadness: Losing a Child Before Birth
It is believed that there is no greater loss than the loss of a child. However, society often forgets that a miscarriage is also losing a child. Each year, millions of women miscarry - approximately half of all women who get pregnant. Some believe that an early miscarriage is not as traumatic emotionally as one that occurs in the late stages of a pregnancy or even after birth. This belief is inaccurate.
Miscarriages are unbearable for both parents no matter when it occurs in a pregnancy. When couples are happy and anticipating the arrival of their child, a miscarriage can bring on a difficult grieving process. Symptoms of grief may vary. Parental reactions and intensity of feelings may differ. Typical reactions include the following:
continual crying and suffering from feelings of isolation or loneliness
wanting to talk about the miscarriage in specific detail
feeling hopeless, helpless, irritable and depressed
overwhelmed with anger, guilt and/or blame
loss of appetite or overeating
struggling with insomnia or lack of energy
inability to concentrate, comprehend or remember things
loss of goals in life, as well as a sense of desolation about the future
aching arms, phantom crying and/or frequent sighing
A miscarriage can take an emotional beating on an individual. But it can also have a negative impact on a marriage. Reactions to death, especially a child’s, is different from person to person. Therefore, we all grieve differently. The importance is not how a person grieves, but that they do grieve and move successfully through the grieving process.
Spouses often grieve in different ways and often misunderstand each other's reactions and needs. Some may feel reluctant to express feelings or may not want to talk about the miscarriage. However, he or she may feel comfortable listening to their spouse.
Crying is another reaction that may vary. Crying is an acceptable and healthy expression of grief, but many fathers may find it difficult to release their emotions through crying. Some fathers feel that crying leaves them vulnerable. Men are often encouraged to be strong in a time of crisis. But crying is way to release tension, frustration or anger.
Communication may be difficult during the grieving process. It is essential to eliminate misunderstandings and intense emotions, which can lead to marital problems. Experiencing grief due to a miscarriage is stressful, and couples need to know that grief does not always bring them closer. Sometimes it can create a wide gap that cannot be sealed.
Family and friends can provide loving support to a couple or individual grieving from a miscarriage. But if they do not know how to console you, it can make them feel awkward and uncomfortable. They may not understand the intensity of your grief or may feel helpless to be able to console or comfort you. Consequently, many offer cliches or platitudes as a source of comfort. You may hear some of the following statements:
You will have more children.
You were lucky it was early in your pregnancy.
You're still young enough to have more children.
You're lucky you didn’t have bring the baby home from the hospital before he or she died.
Since they have not had your experience, it will be difficult for them to understand the depth of your grief and sadness. Another way your family or friends will try to console you is to tell you to have another baby. Let them know how important that baby was to you and by simply having another baby will not replace the precious life that was lost. Ask them to be supportive by just listening. Here are some helpful tips that will aid your family and friends to help you get through this difficult time:
Don’t ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject - it makes me wonder if what happened to me means nothing to you.
Acknowledge my pain, and please, don't expect me to be "over this" in a month; the depth of my grief will even shock me as it returns in waves over and over again long after everyone else has forgotten.
If you haven't called and a long time has gone by, tell me that you're sorry, and that you just didn't know what to say, but don't say you've been too busy!
If you invite me for lunch in the midst of my grief, expect to talk about my loss. It's all I am thinking about anyway and I need to talk about it; small talk neither interests nor helps me.
If I start to cry while I am talking about the miscarriage, don't change the subject. Crying is a healthy way to release this intense emotion.
Don't compare other situations to mine.
Don't tell me about your birth situations, now is not the time.
Telling me that "God's will is best" and "the baby is in a better place" doesn't ease the pain. I'd rather hear that God is with me and will help me through this difficult time.
Don't say, "I'm glad you didn't get to hold the baby". I'm in pain because I didn't get to hold the baby. My arms ache and those feelings of deprivation are so strong you can't imagine how I feel.
When asking my husband how I am doing, ask him how he is doing. He lost his baby as well.
Don't devalue my baby by saying, "better luck next time". This baby was a very special and unique person, and he or she can ever be replaced. Besides you and I don't know if there will be a next time, and that is painful all on it's own.
Passing through the grief cycle takes time. Don't try to offer answers, because sometimes there are no answers. The best support available is to listen and love the grieving individual or couple.
For more helpful advice on losing a child through miscarriage, visit our library section for a complimentary booklet titled Take Heart in Your Grief (http://www.onmainstreet.org/th.htm)
The Silent Sadness: Losing a Child Before Birth
It is believed that there is no greater loss than the loss of a child. However, society often forgets that a miscarriage is also losing a child. Each year, millions of women miscarry - approximately half of all women who get pregnant. Some believe that an early miscarriage is not as traumatic emotionally as one that occurs in the late stages of a pregnancy or even after birth. This belief is inaccurate.
Miscarriages are unbearable for both parents no matter when it occurs in a pregnancy. When couples are happy and anticipating the arrival of their child, a miscarriage can bring on a difficult grieving process. Symptoms of grief may vary. Parental reactions and intensity of feelings may differ. Typical reactions include the following:
continual crying and suffering from feelings of isolation or loneliness
wanting to talk about the miscarriage in specific detail
feeling hopeless, helpless, irritable and depressed
overwhelmed with anger, guilt and/or blame
loss of appetite or overeating
struggling with insomnia or lack of energy
inability to concentrate, comprehend or remember things
loss of goals in life, as well as a sense of desolation about the future
aching arms, phantom crying and/or frequent sighing
A miscarriage can take an emotional beating on an individual. But it can also have a negative impact on a marriage. Reactions to death, especially a child’s, is different from person to person. Therefore, we all grieve differently. The importance is not how a person grieves, but that they do grieve and move successfully through the grieving process.
Spouses often grieve in different ways and often misunderstand each other's reactions and needs. Some may feel reluctant to express feelings or may not want to talk about the miscarriage. However, he or she may feel comfortable listening to their spouse.
Crying is another reaction that may vary. Crying is an acceptable and healthy expression of grief, but many fathers may find it difficult to release their emotions through crying. Some fathers feel that crying leaves them vulnerable. Men are often encouraged to be strong in a time of crisis. But crying is way to release tension, frustration or anger.
Communication may be difficult during the grieving process. It is essential to eliminate misunderstandings and intense emotions, which can lead to marital problems. Experiencing grief due to a miscarriage is stressful, and couples need to know that grief does not always bring them closer. Sometimes it can create a wide gap that cannot be sealed.
Family and friends can provide loving support to a couple or individual grieving from a miscarriage. But if they do not know how to console you, it can make them feel awkward and uncomfortable. They may not understand the intensity of your grief or may feel helpless to be able to console or comfort you. Consequently, many offer cliches or platitudes as a source of comfort. You may hear some of the following statements:
You will have more children.
You were lucky it was early in your pregnancy.
You're still young enough to have more children.
You're lucky you didn’t have bring the baby home from the hospital before he or she died.
Since they have not had your experience, it will be difficult for them to understand the depth of your grief and sadness. Another way your family or friends will try to console you is to tell you to have another baby. Let them know how important that baby was to you and by simply having another baby will not replace the precious life that was lost. Ask them to be supportive by just listening. Here are some helpful tips that will aid your family and friends to help you get through this difficult time:
Don’t ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject - it makes me wonder if what happened to me means nothing to you.
Acknowledge my pain, and please, don't expect me to be "over this" in a month; the depth of my grief will even shock me as it returns in waves over and over again long after everyone else has forgotten.
If you haven't called and a long time has gone by, tell me that you're sorry, and that you just didn't know what to say, but don't say you've been too busy!
If you invite me for lunch in the midst of my grief, expect to talk about my loss. It's all I am thinking about anyway and I need to talk about it; small talk neither interests nor helps me.
If I start to cry while I am talking about the miscarriage, don't change the subject. Crying is a healthy way to release this intense emotion.
Don't compare other situations to mine.
Don't tell me about your birth situations, now is not the time.
Telling me that "God's will is best" and "the baby is in a better place" doesn't ease the pain. I'd rather hear that God is with me and will help me through this difficult time.
Don't say, "I'm glad you didn't get to hold the baby". I'm in pain because I didn't get to hold the baby. My arms ache and those feelings of deprivation are so strong you can't imagine how I feel.
When asking my husband how I am doing, ask him how he is doing. He lost his baby as well.
Don't devalue my baby by saying, "better luck next time". This baby was a very special and unique person, and he or she can ever be replaced. Besides you and I don't know if there will be a next time, and that is painful all on it's own.
Passing through the grief cycle takes time. Don't try to offer answers, because sometimes there are no answers. The best support available is to listen and love the grieving individual or couple.
For more helpful advice on losing a child through miscarriage, visit our library section for a complimentary booklet titled Take Heart in Your Grief (http://www.onmainstreet.org/th.htm)