need advice on son who is kinda whimpy

[Lilpetie]

I know whimpy isnt a good word maybe puney is better but heres the story
My son is 11. He has always been a super sensitive person and some times that is great but now that he is growing up in age it is causing problems. 3 weeks ago a 2nd grader hit him in the nose. He just sat there and took it. So we had to long talk and he always gets angry and cries. In any sports he isnt aggressive or assertive enough to even look age comparible to the others. He is in basketball right now and has improved slightly from last year but even this one lil boy that is half his size and has always been shy is more aggressive than him. My son cries at anything. Even in front of kids. We have tried to talk calmly to him. He gets frustrated and mad and wont even listen to us. Last night was the last straw. He had a game and played the first quarter. It was torture to watch him. He would just stand in front of his guy trying to block him and the kid would outrun and out maneuver him. When they threw the ball his way he just kind of stood there. (and no it isnt the coaches fault they work with him). So naturally he sat on the bench the better part of the game. He was like this in Baseball and flag football also. He loves sports and I even suggested to him that maybe he isnt the right person for sports. He got mad and stomped off. We try to work (practice) with him but step dad isnt the best in this area. My son cries if kids call him names etc. Being sensitive can be a good thing but for a boy it seems it is tough. We have tried so hard to "toughen" him up saying life has many trying times but he just doesnt even try or listen. He even got so mad last night and was crying he said "mom I am so mad I could kill myself" I was shocked and bluntly told him I never want to hear that again. I dont know what to do. I suggested counceling but says all the kids will make fun of him. I told him they wont know if you dont tell them. OHHHHHH what do I do. I love this child with my heart and soul. He is my only child. But he has to grow up

[LitWtch]

Perhaps a group sport isn't what he needs. Look into karate or gymnastics where he can work on his "self" skills to build confidence and focus.

[llbriteyes]

Originally posted by LitWtch
Perhaps a group sport isn't what he needs. Look into karate or gymnastics where he can work on his "self" skills to build confidence and focus.


I agree with this, and have more to add...

First and foremost, let your child be who he is. Do not make the mistake of molding him into what you think he should be. Let him know you love him for who he is. Pushing them makes them fight all the more. Does he have chores? He should at his age. It makes children feel part of the family, and gives them confidence that they can do something and do it well.

Second, about counseling, you are the adult. Period. Your word should be final. If he doesn't want to go into it alone, you could do the family counseling thing. Therapists evaluate the whole package instead of singling out one person.

Third, I know what its like to have a super sensitive child. My youngest daughter still is. Its nice to have that sensitivity, but it can cause problems. Amy went through some horrendous times in grade school and then later in high school. She's now in college and doing very well. She is still super sensitive, but she's learned how to deal with it.

I liken it to potty training. Yeah, you go through some really rough times, but by the time they're adults, they've learned to deal with it.

Good luck.

Linda

[kvmj]

I think that I would put him in counselling anyway. Ask around first (start with his doctor) for the name of a good counsellor.

If he continues to act like this in Middle School... think abou the consequences.

[Lori63]

I agree with above advice. I read this earlier and have been thinking about it before replying. The above advice is what I would do.

[turbob]

My son was the same way. He was miserable at sports - he finally joined the marching band and got involoved with the school newspaper. Also - when you said "I never want to hear that again" - I know what you meant but your son might not. Please encourage him to continue to talk to you.

[lassss]

How about more mind challenging quests instead of sports like chess, trivia, debate. My son, who isnt shy, nor *wimpy* tried just about every sport but wound up quitting after just a month of trying. He didn't want to *tackle* anyone in football because he thought they wouldn't be their friend. He quit wrestling becasue it wasn't WWE. He played two season of soccer but outgrew it. But he kicks my a$$ in chess, trivia, PS2 etc. It seems your son just hasn't found what he excels in yet and when he does, his self esteem and confidence will go way up.

[Hillbilly]

I agree with some of the others,there are all sorts of activities he could get involved in.My son is six,and he does like basketball and baseball,but his love is music.He is very shy,but he tried out for choir and was one of very few first graders that got chose for the Dolce Voce choir at his school.He loves to sing and listen to music.He is wanting to take guitar lessons really bad,so we bought him a nice little student guitar.He will be taking guitar lessons from musician/singer Steven Curtis Chapman's father,beginning in March.He also got a new set of drums for Christmas,he loves them.I had to have hubby move them to the garage though,got to where I could not handle them in the house.:D Anyway,there are lots of alternatives to basketball,football,soccer,etc.Maybe you could talk to him and see if he would like to get involved in music,karate,or even art.I really would love to get my son involved in art lessons.My old high school art teacher opened up a store and is giving art lessons and I'm going to call her and see what all is involved and how much she charges.Most kids would probably love art lessons.Just a thought.:)

[Dolly<3]

That has to be hard for him, but I'm sure he's not the only little boy like that. What are his friends like? I agree with everyone else, and also you could tell him to invite his friends over or encourage him to play with the neighborhood kids that are more like him. A strong friendship will help him a lot.

[belcherpi]

My oldest son was wasn't very aggressive as far as sports when he was younger. He played them all and liked playing them. He eventually quit everyone of them. It upset me because I wanted him involved in something, some kind of extra curricular activity. He joined the Jr. high band and after a couple of years decided that wasn't the thing for him. He has now found something he is interested in.....computers. He has taken several computer classes offered in school and is doing great. Some may say "computer geek" but hey look at Bill Gates.LOL And the most important thing as far as I'm concerned, he's happy with what he's doing and plans on having a career in it. ;)

[Lilpetie]

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions.

We had a talk this morning. I talked very calmly (again) to him this morning before school and I ask him if he "wanted" to play sports. He said very firmly "yes mom, I like it". So I had the lil engine that could talk. I also suggested with him that : "I bet you that if you went to your coach and said I really want to learn this bad can you help me a little more" that maybe this would help.
The problem is this. We have always lived in the country. We also live in a very rural lil town. They only offer 3 sports to the kids. BLAHHHHHHH. I have even suggested moving to a larger area so that he would have more possibilities not only in curricular activities but in schooling but hubby wont move and actually son doesnt want to either. SO I am stuck. WE do however have a TIA KWON DOE class and that is a wonderful idea.
As for his friends. He hangs with everyone. He loves all the kids in school but his best buds seem to be the ones that excel the most in sports. (go figure) He has had sleep overs but lets put it this way the phone isnt ringing off the wall. But when I watch them at school they all seem to like him.
I truly believe he has ADD. But not the hyper kind and has been diagnosed but we went thru every med and he couldnt tolerate any of them (reacted).
He is also in band but doesnt seem to be "pumped" about that.
Your right it is very hard. It tears at me to see him tear up over the smallest of things. As for pushing him in sports I tell him it is HIS CHOICE.
Counceling to me sounds like the best idea. I am just afraid with his personality that he will take it as being punished.

[ebgreen74]

Is your son depressed? I think counseling is a really good idea, especially since he mentioned suicide. Where's his father? That could be part of the problem too. My ss played baseball last year and acted exactly like you say your son does. He claimed that he really wanted to play yet he made no effort at all to learn how to play well. His dad was over in Saudi Arabia at the time, so we're hoping with his daddy home, he'll be more into baseball this year. He's really sensitve too, cries if he doesn't know the answers to his homework, etc.. But it seems like he's able to handle things alot better when he's around his daddy. Good luck.

[wubbywa]

Is it really that bad that he is not aggressive? I agree with a lot of things that are being said. My son is not aggressive he is sensitive but not to the point of crying in front of people. Find his interests and be happy you have a healthy,good kid. It could be soooooo much worse.

[Lilpetie]

My son has never known his Biological "sperm donor" (only way to approach the jerk with a decent term LOL) He knows his father has never been around and has seen his pic and I always tell him positive things not negative about him (although it is hard). My hubby and I have been together for 7 years and this is the only father he has ever known. He is military. National Guard and son thinks this is the coolest thing. Wants to join when he grows up. But seriously doubt he will make it sense he has asthma. (according to hubby if the recruiter knows you have this they wont enlist you).
Anyway back to subject. Depression is a funny thing. I should know I have been on meds since my bout with cancer 9 yrs ago. Made a difference. He mostly seems like a happy kid. Loves everyone. Cant stand when people pick on anyone. Loves animals. SO polite and everyone comments on how polite he is and "never any trouble" . He is a beautiful child. Dark eyelashes, dark hair and brown eyes. All the older women I know say OH MY you are in for some trouble when he gets older he is gorgeous. They even suggested modeling cause of his looks. I approached him with this and he said MOM that is for girls LOL. He has no interest in girls right now he says they are too much trouble even tho most of the boys in 5th grade seem to be "girl crazy" But this doesnt bother him. He says I have too much I wanna do and girls are a pain in the butt. LOL....... He loves science and school in general. Loves Sunday school also. As for not worrying that this sensitivity is a part of him. I do and you would too. It is tearing HIM apart. He hates the fact that he isnt "as good" as the other boys his age. He cries when we get home from games. He says mom I try as hard as I can and I still dont know why I cant run like them or I never get the ball. ETC ETC ETC....He has never had other kids to play with and toughen him up so I suppose this has alot to do with it. I have even suggested getting a paying an older boy to come out and work with him. I would even sign up for Big Brother but he has a dad. But he wont teach him crap and that is a REAL BIG ISSUE with us. He says its because son gets mad and yells I know I know and thinks he knows everything. I have even told hubby this child is more important to me than you and if you dont shape up you are gone. He spends very little time with him and its usually nagging him about chores etc. But son loves him to death. I truly think family counceling is the answer here so I guess writing this all down made up my mind. Thank you all for the replies it helps.

[fatesfaery]

I has similar problems as a kid, everyone thought I should be great at basketball because I was tall.....well, I sucked at most sports.
I always worried about DS because he was a big kid (tall and big).He was in the school choir and involved in lots of academic things, but he never really showed much of an interest in sports until his freshman year of HS. The football coach asked him to play so he did, he did great, but most of the other kids had played Little Leauge football and Jason hadn't, so he had catching up to do.

It sounds like he has low self-esteem. I agree counseling sounds like a great idea for him.

DS had a friend in HS who is now a Karate instructor. He says martial arts classes are great for building sel-esteem in kids, so you may want to consider Tia Kwon Doe classes for him.

I'd also recommend boy scouts if there's a troop in your area. Of all the things Jason did, I think he enjoyed scouts the most, his first job was a summer camp counselor for scouts.

[llbriteyes]

Originally posted by ebgreen74
Is your son depressed? I think counseling is a really good idea, especially since he mentioned suicide. Where's his father? That could be part of the problem too.


Ooops... I forgot to mention about suicide. Keep the lines of communication open. Never tell him you don't want to hear about it, because when he feels that way, he won't feel free to tell you. A person talking about suicide should be taken seriously. It isn't only "just a cry for help." And if it is, you'd get him the help. Just because they don't mention it doesn't mean they don't think about it. Thinking about it sometimes can be a very normal reaction to a situation. Talking about it and understand it is essential.

I hope in this case it was an "off the cuff" reaction, but you can't chance that it isn't.

Linda

[Suz*e*]

Since you made it clear you love him, I will be gentle.

You need to BACK OFF, accept him AS IS. He may not be YOUR definition of what YOU, or even others think he ought to be like.

He very well might kill himself if you don't back off!! It would be HELL having noone accept your for what you are ever! He needs to get into an environment where it is OKAY to BE HIMSELF just like he is.

STOP trying to have HIM conform to everyone else. He obviously needs more intelligent open minded individuals in his life who will be eager to know the inner him.

Try homeschooling, and get this pressure cooker off of him before he hangs himself. Some kids are not capable of just roughing it i.e. the statistics of sucide don't come from nowhere.

Help him, back off, pull him outta school, and I doubt he was joking about ending his life under this pressure.

Better wake up real dern fast!

[Suz*e*]

Originally posted by *chelle*
My son took Karate classes to learn how to defend himself.
I also have taught both of my kids that if someone hits them
they have the right to defend themselves and they do.
But i was picked on as a child and i had to learn not to
be anyones punching bag.

Hugs for your son


Excellent advice, but do not do it because you think he is lacking as a person, but because you think it will enhance his life, and enjoy the skills Karate brings. If he doesn't like it, let him stop classes without making him feel like a failure AGAIN as what it seems like everyone is makin him feel like.

People are different and all like different stuff. ASK HIM WHAT HE MIGHT LIKE, MAYBE HE JUST WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE FOR A WHILE BEFORE YOU SHOVE HIM INTO SOMETHING ELSE HE NEEDS TIME TO HEAL FROM FEELING LIKE A LOSER BECAUSE EVERYONE IS ALWAYS TRYING TO CHANGE HIM.

Nothing is wrong with being a gentle spirit, he may not have any agressive tendencies when he is hit. That is admirable. Even GOD turned the other cheek. Perhaps we could learn from him.

[Suz*e*]

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[Suz*e*]

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[Suz*e*]

Edited above 2 posts because they were triple posts somehow

[Lilpetie]

OK SUZ* E*

I think somewhere in this post you have gotten your wires crossed. You obviously dont know me or my son. I totally am devoted to my son. My entire life revolves around him and always will. As for backing off what do I do sit around and let the world and all its cruelty chew him up and spit him out. Lets face it kids can be mean and life isnt fair is it????? He needs some motivation and encouragement. He does get this from his mother each and every day. He needs to learn that he has choices and can defend himself. He also needs to know that he has to sometime push himself to the fullest. I also know this as it came from a teacher that is a god send and very qualified to make those statement. She said he just hasnt found his motivation yet.
As for pushing him to be something that I WANT AND NOT HIM AND MOLDING HIM INTO WHAT I WANT HIM TO BE LIKE> COMPARING etc etc etc. You will not sit there and tell me that every mother sits and observes other children to see if they are "growing" like others )mentally and physically) I am a nurse and I see it all the time therefore how would we know the norm. I also have worked in a psych unit so I feel I have alot of skills that I can see the triggers. I did take him very seriously when he said that statement. And I know for a fact that it was an attention getter. That is what they teach you in psych classes. That most who say this want attention. believe me I am on top of this. That is why I told him I dont ever want to hear that again. But NOOOOOOO I didnt tell you the entire conversation that went on. I ask him at great lengths why he feels this way, what is bothering him etc etc etc. He loves his mommy and we do have a great open communication line. He has never and I repeat never said anything even remotely like that.
Please remember he WANTS TO PLAY AT SPORTS. Personally I would be grateful if he didnt but thats his choice. He wants to be part of it all. I applaud him for going at it. It tears me up to see him not fit in "as he puts it" but he keeps going back. So please see that I am on top of this and also your comment about not being intelligent really offended me. Thank you

[Lilpetie]

Bless you Chelle. Right now I dont need harsh words as I am going thru enough torment on my own with this so kind words are appreciated.

[Kyla Kym]

Lilpetie, I just glanced over this thread...but from what I have read I think it's great that you love your son enough to be worried about this. I understand where your coming from. If your like me it doesn't matter to you how your child is. But you have to try and prepare them for whats out there....and if you don't if will just make it harder on him. It's not a matter of molding him into what you want him to be...it's a matter of trying to make sure you do your best to prepare him for what he has to face in the future.

I use to worry about mine all the time to when he was little because his dad worked all the time and never felt like doing guy stuff with him. So I was the one that did the wrestling and things like that with him. My dad and uncle luckily do allot with my son like hunting, fishing and sports.

One thing I do recall about my son when he was growing up is that he started getting more rough & tough was when I stopped letting him watch TV when he got in from school. He could go outside and play or either do homework, but NO TV! I don't know why but that is when my son really started acting more like the boys I remember growing up.

[Hillbilly]

Originally posted by Suz*e*
Since you made it clear you love him, I will be gentle.

You need to BACK OFF, accept him AS IS. He may not be YOUR definition of what YOU, or even others think he ought to be like.

He very well might kill himself if you don't back off!! It would be HELL having noone accept your for what you are ever! He needs to get into an environment where it is OKAY to BE HIMSELF just like he is.

STOP trying to have HIM conform to everyone else. He obviously needs more intelligent open minded individuals in his life who will be eager to know the inner him.

Try homeschooling, and get this pressure cooker off of him before he hangs himself. Some kids are not capable of just roughing it i.e. the statistics of sucide don't come from nowhere.

Help him, back off, pull him outta school, and I doubt he was joking about ending his life under this pressure.

Better wake up real dern fast! :rolleyes: I usually try not to be mean and don't really want to piss anyone off,but it sounds like you are the one who should back off.Those are some awful things you are saying to this mother.She only wants her son to have more confidence and to stand up for himself.I'd be pissed if you said those things to me as a mother.:mad: Most of us mothers have enough common sense to know what is best for our children.And CHELLE....I'm sure you were not FORCING your son to take those karate classes.We all know how much you love your kiddos.:) Some poeople are just quick to think they know everything about EVERYTHING.:rolleyes:

[iluvmybaby]

I think that he has the right to be who he is without being called whimpy, you need to let him live his own life, encourage him all that you can but don't press your beliefs of what he should be like on him. Also, sounds like suicide is a VERY real concern, he needs to talk to a trained professional, sounds like depression or if not another problem, you mentioned ADD.

[Lilpetie]

Ok I am going to say this again. I AM NOT FORCING THIS ON MY CHILD...... He is the one that loves sports and WANTS to play. I have told him over and over again that if he doesnt want to do something he doesnt have to no matter what anyone thinks or what else the kids are involved in. I encourage him to do WHATEVER he wants to do.
As for forcing MY BELIEFS on him. I do NOT force decisions of any kind or beliefs. I am NOT trying to mold him into what I want because lets face it I have never been a Big Sports fan. I was raised with mostly women in our family and ended up being a tomboy but got out of that stage. He is the one that comes to me and says Mom can I sign up for this or that.
So I let him. But lets face it. He is going to have to learn how to take constructive criticism in everything in life. If I ever saw someone or any child being purposely mean to my child I would let them have it. But I cant be there 24/7. He needs to learn how to intelligently deal with everyday life.
As for the 2nd grader that hit him. I was soooooo angry at that boy that did it.. I ask him why he didnt defend himself (since he has been hit before) He said I will get into trouble. I told him you warn people once and if they go to hit you again let them have it. They will respect you and think twice the next time. ALL I could think of was the movie The Christmas Story with Ralphie going off from years of being picked on.
So again this is the last time I am going to say this. I AM NOT PUSHING FORCING OR MOLDING my son into what I want him to be. I love the sensitive side. He is soooooo caring to others. But he has got to learn that life is tough and you get mowed over unless you speak up.
As for the suicide thing. That was completely a shock and believe me I am on top of it. I have made an appt for him (and I ) to see a therapist at our local church and if they see anything I will take this further. This child is my miracle baby. and my only. I live for him and my world revolves around him 24/7 and I wouldnt have it any other way. I just want for him like most any other mother would and that is to grow healthy and happy and be the best at whatever he chooses. I appreciate most of your comments even the ones that offered some sound advice. I did not appreciate the ones that attacked me as a bad mother tho.. But then again I consider the source

[fatesfaery]

Your son sounds a lot like my son was when he was young. He got picked on a lot and wouldn't fight back because he was bigger than most of the kids. When he was in the 5th grade he came home with his knuckles bloodied. They were at recess and some kid was leaning against the wall and was picking on him, Jason punched the wall right beside the other kid's head. He got his point across, he didn't get in trouble because he didn't actually hit anyone, and most importantly, he quit taking crap off other kids.

I think as parents we try to teach our kids not to fight without realizing there are times when they have to stand up for themselves.
My first instinct was always to take care of anything that happened, things didn't improve until I backed off and he learned to stand up for himself.

Our kids aren't always going to be the best at what they choose to do, I don't really think it matters if they are or not, only that they made the effort and tried.

[Suz*e*]

Originally posted by Lilpetie
OK SUZ* E*

I think somewhere in this post you have gotten your wires crossed. You obviously dont know me or my son. I totally am devoted to my son. My entire life revolves around him and always will. As for backing off what do I do sit around and let the world and all its cruelty chew him up and spit him out. Lets face it kids can be mean and life isnt fair is it????? He needs some motivation and encouragement. He does get this from his mother each and every day. He needs to learn that he has choices and can defend himself. He also needs to know that he has to sometime push himself to the fullest. I also know this as it came from a teacher that is a god send and very qualified to make those statement. She said he just hasnt found his motivation yet.
As for pushing him to be something that I WANT AND NOT HIM AND MOLDING HIM INTO WHAT I WANT HIM TO BE LIKE> COMPARING etc etc etc. You will not sit there and tell me that every mother sits and observes other children to see if they are "growing" like others )mentally and physically) I am a nurse and I see it all the time therefore how would we know the norm. I also have worked in a psych unit so I feel I have alot of skills that I can see the triggers. I did take him very seriously when he said that statement. And I know for a fact that it was an attention getter. That is what they teach you in psych classes. That most who say this want attention. believe me I am on top of this. That is why I told him I dont ever want to hear that again. But NOOOOOOO I didnt tell you the entire conversation that went on. I ask him at great lengths why he feels this way, what is bothering him etc etc etc. He loves his mommy and we do have a great open communication line. He has never and I repeat never said anything even remotely like that.
Please remember he WANTS TO PLAY AT SPORTS. Personally I would be grateful if he didnt but thats his choice. He wants to be part of it all. I applaud him for going at it. It tears me up to see him not fit in "as he puts it" but he keeps going back. So please see that I am on top of this and also your comment about not being intelligent really offended me. Thank you

As far as considering the "source" WTF do you know about "the source"?? the only source you need to consider is the source of your son's problems. I bet you can find them in your mirror judging by your reaction to any little thing you dont approve of.

?!?!? OKKKKKKK LILPETIE, WTF??? Is up with this yelling?? You asked for advice, I gave it. Read my signature, it is about suicide. It has been on here since I joined. Something I am passionate about.

To just think that'd you'd even allow yourself to waste time yacking at me over bullcrap shows me that you are more intersted in that than finding a solution, or addressing the quite serious nature of your son's issues.

Different people have different ways of communicating, unlike your son I will not aplogize that you cannot accept me or the way I type or anything else about me. I am me, and who cares what you think? I wish your son would figure that out!

What do you REALLY want? Help just as long as it is what you want to hear? Is that the way you handle your son? Maybe that is why you are hear asking for help. You want things your way, me to type how you like, or whatever.

I made this post in hopes of helping your son, you dont want help you want me to coddle your ways of doin things and make you think what you think is right, well if it was you wouldnt be here asking for help would you?

If you know it all you would already know how to handle this, wouldn't you?

A normal mom would appreciate me speaking for her son. Instead of consoling momma. Who is this post really for? You or him?

If you being his mother want to piss away good advice and focus on mindless nit-pickin with me. I think that is more telling about your priorities than anything else you post.

I for one am not typing another word in this post and contributing to you becoming distracted from helping your son.

As for my original advice I stand by it, and make no apologies for it.

[Suz*e*]

To Chelle, I thought you were not coming back after someone posted the other day exposing your supposed talk trash about BBS site? Was it untrue?

Until I know, I cannot really tell if you thinking I was too harsh was just to stir up stuff here for you to talk about over there, or you meant it?

Deosn't matter, I am offically outta this thread. UGH