Help Everyone,ive Been Separted And Divorced For 3 Years And Ex Dont Leave Me Alone

[msmom79]

WHEN WE WERE MARRIED I LIVED UNDER HIS THUMB,EVERYTHING HE SAID WENT,VERY SELDOM DID HE HIT I GUESS MAYBE 3 TIMES,BUT THATS 3TOO MANY.BUT THE MENTAL ABUSE WAS HORRIBLE,I WAS FORCED TO DIVORCE HIM CAUSE HE SAID I WAS NUTS,HE PUT ME IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL,AND WHEN I GOT A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH HE WAS VERY ANGRY.THIS GUY WOULD MUCH MORE LIKE TO SEE ME DEAD.HE HAS THREATENED ME SO MANY TIMES WITH HIS MAFIA FRIENDS.HE HAS CALLED ME A SLUT AND WHORE (BCAUSE I WAS RAPED)HE SAID I ASKED FOR WHAT I GOT,HE SAYS I WAS A TERRIBLE WIFE,HE SAYS IM MEAN AND HATEFUL TO EVERYONE,WHICH BELIEVE ME IM NOT,I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE. BUT THE ONE THAT HURT ME THE MOST WAS YESTERDAY(TUES) WHEN HE TOLD ME IM A BAD MOM,AND I ONLY THINK OF MYSELF,BOY GUYS THIS CUT ME DEEP,AS MY 2 SONS ARE MY LIFE AND MY REASON FOR LIVING,I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR MY KIDS(NOW 22&24),AND I STILL AM.WHY CANT I MAKE THIS MAN HAPPY,WE ARE DIVORCED,WHY DOES HE HAVE TO STILL CONTROL ME?THE POLICE ARE NO HELP HERE EITHER AS I HAVE TURNED THIS IN MANY TIMES,MY OLDEST SON TELLS ME HIS DAD IS SICK,AND PLAYING A BIG GAME,BUT AFTER ALLTHESE 27 YEARS AND TELLING ME IM A BAD MOM,I WANT TO HURT HIM LIKE HE HAS HURT ME,I KNOW TWO WRONGS DONT MAKE A RIGHT,BUT IM JUST DESTROYED AFTER BEING TOLD I WAS AND AM A BAD MOM. ANY SUGGESTIONS HERE ANYONE,IM REALLY AFRAID THAT MY DEATH WILL BE NEXT,THIS MAN HATES ME,BUT WONT LEAVE ME ALONE.HE HAS TO KNOW MY EVERY MOVE EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE AND MINE.DONT THEY CALL THIS FATAL ATTRACTION OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT/IMSCARED TO DEATH OF HIM AND WHAT HE WILL DO NEXT.MY MONEYS TIGHT ,SO MOVING IS NOT AN OPTION.BUT I WANT TOO.HOW COMES I KEEP LETTING HIM HURT AND DESTROY ME I KNOW YOU ALL ARE ASKING THAT ? ITS CAUSE IM AFRAID OF HIM .THANKS EVERYONE JUST FOR LETTING ME VENT.OTHERWISE I MAY VENT MY ANGER ON HIM AND IT WOULD NOT BE PRETTY.

[annie169]

I honestly don't know hun. He has some serious issues, that's for sure. As far as him berating you like that....my Ex was the same way...even tho he was the one out running around on me, while I worked full-time, raised our baby, and took care of all the bills, household chores, whatever.


AND ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. NEVER, EVER LET THEM TELL YOU THAT.

Your sons see you for who you really are....be proud of them!! F@$@# their dad.

[tommyjo]

well, may i say since your boys are grown, his opinion doesnt count? ask them?? also try a restraining order, or just tell him to get the HECK out of your life and grow up? I have never been able to put up aith any form of abuse from any one, so I may be wayyyy out of line here, but just call the police and let them deal with him?? (((hugs)))

[FreeIs4Me]

Do you live in an area where stalking laws apply? If so, document everything for proof. Your local womans shelter should be able to help point you in the right direction.

By the way - be proud your children see their father for what he is!

[justinenycole26]

I have 2 words for you: RESTRAINING ORDER!

[laughsalot]

Hugs to you! I dont have any advice but you vent to us anytime you need to!

[janelle]

Hon, you will never make this man happy, it's not possible so stop trying to do the impossible. You know he is sick so his opinion should just go over your head. Don't let his ravings bother you.

Get in touch with your local woman's domestic abuse center and join their support group. Talk to other women who have been in your shoes. Try to stay away from him. Don't accept his calls and be unavailable as much as possible. Learn how the others handled it. Good luck. I hope it gets better real soon but you can start to make it better right now by not accepting his opinion as anything than what they are. Ways to put you down cause of his sickness. He feels better when he can make others feel bad.

[msmom79]

IVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT WITH THIS MAN,I BASICALLY RAISED MY 2 SONS BY MY SELF MY EX PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE,PAYED THE BILLS,VERY SELDOM WENT TO GAMES OR SCHOOL OUTINGS WITH US,HE WAS TO BUSY BEING WITH HIS FRIENDS.AT TIMES WHEN HE CAME HOME,I KNEW HE HAD BEEN WITH OTHER WOMAN,BUT I COULDNT PROVE IT,BUT US WOMAN KNOW THAT SMELL,HE WOULD TELL ME IT WAS RIVER WATER,IVE HAD MY MOUTH SPLIT COMPLETELY OPEN BY HIM,CAUSE I TOOK UP FOR MY OLDER SON.YOU SEE MY EX HAS ALWAYS FAVORED OUR YOUNGEST,TO WHERE I HAVE TREATED THEM BOTH THE SAME,WHAT ONE GOT THE OTHER GOT. MY EX DONT BELIEVE IN THIS.WE HAve had major fights over our boys.now let me tell you all im not perfect and i dont claim to be,but i do treat people the way i want to be treated,i give respect and i expect it in return,but for some reason,i just dont have respect for my ex.and you know whats sad? i will always love him,but i so want to hurt him bad. i mean i want to hurt him sooo bad that he can never hurt me agian. and i know this isnt right.i even said today i want to take a gun and shoot him,cause i dont want to hurt no -more. i will start keeping a log of what is going on,no more phone calls he can talk to the answering machine,theonly way i will talk to him is if it pertains to our sons. ann

[Gitty]

If your answering machine has tapes get a bunch and save them as proof of what he is saying and when. Also call you phone company and tell them you are getting harassing calls. They can tell you what to do. If he makes theats on the phone, he can be put in jail & fined for it. Look in your phone book, for what to do for harassing calls. Also some shelters will help you move to a different state, so you can get a fresh start. You really need to move as far away as possible. Maybe your sons would like to move away from him also. maybe take care of all bills and don't leave a forwarding address. Good Luck!

[janelle]

Hon, please don't let him turn you into him. Know what I mean? Read the books by Dave Pelzer www.davepelzer.com

His mother brutalized him from the time he was three until he was rescued around 12. In his fourth book he recounts the time he was sitting with his mother when he had grown and saw her for the first time in years. She was trying to tell him why she did what she did to him and still saying he was no good and needed the treatment she gave him.

He was overwhelmed with the desire to not just kill her but to kidnap her and make her live in isolation like she made him do. To do the cruel things she had done to him. But then he thought if he gave into those thought he wouldn't be any better than her and he wasn't going to let her strip him of the last remnants of his humanity. She had done enough abuse to him, had taken away to much from him. He was going to stop the sickness by turning away from it and doing the right thing. He got up and left her there in her hatred. He walked away from it and turned toward a healthy way of life. He survived. Don't let your ex take anymore away from you by becoming him. Do the right thing and turn toward the healthy way.

Vent here but then leave it here. OK?

[CARROLIN]

THIS SEEMS TO BE A CLEAR CASE OF "BATTERED WIFE'S SYNDROME"...

LIKE JANELLE SAID...DO NOT IN ANY WAY ACT IN THE MANNER
THAT YOU STATED, DO NOT LET HIM BRING YOU TO HIS LEVEL, BECAUSE
IF YOU HURT HIM, YOU WILL PAY, AND YOUR CHILDREN, BECAUSE
THEY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE YOU IN THE "LIGHT" THAT YOU
HAVE PROVIDED, SO THAT THEY, TOO COULD SURVIVE.

YOU OBVIOUSLY DID A GREAT JOB RAISING, AND SACRIFICING FOR
YOUR CHILDREN. THEY KNOW THAT, AND YOU TAUGHT THEM RIGHT
FROM WRONG. EVERYONE HAS GIVEN YOU GREAT ADVICE, NOW IT'S
UP TO YOU (AGAIN) STAY STRONG, LET GO OF THE HATRED...

AND MARCH YOUR BUTT BACK TO YOUR DIVORCE LAWYER, WITH RECORDED
TAPES IN HAND! CHANGE YOUR LOCKS, YOUR ADDRESS, PHONE#, TELL

YOUR SONS HOW AFRAID YOU ARE, EVEN TRY TO TALK TO A MINISTER,
COUNCELOR, POLICE, (AFDC)...THEY WILL GUIDE YOU, NEXT DOOR
NEIGHBORS....ANYONE WHOM YOU CAN TRUST.

I AM SENDING WARM PRAYERS,
AND
SOFT SMILES.

[shelhop]

I had a similar (though not quite as severe) situation. I was scared for a long time. He knew that, and it was just fuel to the fire. I finally mustered up enough courage to stand up to him, legally. Although I was terrified, I sure as heck didn't let him know it. Gradually, I found out I just wasn't afraid anymore, and he no longer had that power over me.
My suggestion is get counseling. It may not sound like much, but you have to develop self-worth, and that doesn't come easy when you've been in an abusive relationship. If you are in immediate physical danger, go stay with someone else for awhile. And yes, definitely get a restraining order. My guess is this man doesn't think you have the guts to do it. Prove him wrong.
{{{Hugs to you!}}}

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

You have some great advice here from everyone...

DO NOT blame yourself for anything.And why are you asking yourself "will you ever make him happy?" You are DIVORCED, your children are grown,You DO NOT have to make HIM happy,you have to make YOURSELF happy.

What state are you in? Change your phone number and do not give it to him,no matter what,he doesn't need it. (you can change it once a year for free in most states.Also if he calls you,trace it (your local phone co.will tell you how) 3 times traced he loses his phone service,here we hit *57 that easy.

I was in a similar situation,married to him for 17 years,when I got out of it,I didn't look back.You need to stop looking back and look forward...to a healthy future :)

[cch]

It's Missouri if anyone can find out about stalking laws.

Don't waste your time calling the local officers, they're morons! Call the sheriff's office directly or 911. You can call the 911 office and tell them you would like to speak to a county officer about the situation to find out what can be done to protect yourself. There is also a Pathways councelling service over there that would probably be beneficial to you as well as give you other places that can help you. The sheriff's department can have the trace thing put on your phone & it shouldn't cost you anything (some wierd man from one of the video rental places over there had some fascination with calling me for a while - the sheriff's dept put a stop to it!) And you can go to the court house and have an ex-parte (Sp) put against him!

[wyozozo]

Originally posted by justinenycole26
I have 2 words for you: RESTRAINING ORDER!

I have two more: CALLER ID!!!

Does he call or come to your house in person? If he calls, don't answer, let an answering machine pick up and keep the tape if he gets threatening. If he comes over pursue trespassing charges...

Believe me I've been there, done that AND I have the t-shirt. I hope it all works out for you

[janelle]

theonly way i will talk to him is if it pertains to our sons. ann


Hon, your sons are grown. You don't need to talk to him about anything anymore, thank God. Your sons can speak for themselves and talk to you if you need to know anything about them or their father.

I'm not sure how violent your ex gets but if he is a violent man then get in touch with the domestic abuse people in your area. The ones who have safe houses. You may need their assistance for awhile. It's also good for you to talk to others who are going through the same things. Get support from others. Will be praying for you.

[cch]

This is as good a place as any to post these. Incase anyone needs them...

National Domestic Abuse HOTLINE
1-800-799-SAFE

MISSOURI HOTLINE NUMBERS
Belton Belton Victim Advocate Program Business 616-331-5522
Bowling Green Tri-County Council Against Domestic Violence 314-324-2231
Branson Women's Crisis Center of Taney County, Inc. 417-335-3197 417-335-3197
Camdenton Citizens Against Domestic Violence 314-346-2633
Cape Girardeau Safe House for Women, Inc. 314-335-7745 314-651-1614
Cedar City Prison: Patch 314-251-4748
Clayton YWCA Women's Resource Center 314-726-6665
Columbia The Shelter 314-875-1369 314-875-1370 800-548-2480
Ellington Casa Guadalup, Family Growth Center 314-663-2720 314-663-2720
Festus Comtrea Community Mental Health Center 314-337-0200 314-931-2700
Florissant HAVEN Against Violent Environments Now, Inc. 314-837-6767
Fulton Planned Parenthood 201 314-642-7688
Hannibal AVENUES 314-221-2093 314-221-2093 800-678-7713
Houston Texas County Child Advocacy Council 417-967-4551
Independence Hope House 816-461-4188 816-461-HOPE
Jefferson City Rape & Abuse Crisis Service 314-634-8346 314-634-4911
Joseph YWCA Shelter for Abused Women and their Children 816-232-4481 816-232-1225
Joplin Lafayette House 417-782-1772 417-782-1772
Kansas City Domestic Violence Victim Witness Assis. Pro. 816-274-1517
Kansas City Family Advocacy Network, Inc. 816-753-5818
Kansas City NEWHOUSE 816-231-7378 816-241-0311
Kansas City Parents Anonymous of Kansas City 816-472-4490 816-474-4588
Kansas City Project Assist/Legal Aid of Western Missouri 816-474-6750
Kansas City Rose Brooks Center, Inc. 816-861-3460 816-861-6100
Kansas City SafeHaven of Kansas City, Inc. 816-454-3581 816-452-8535
Kimberling Harbor Lights Shelter Program from Domestic Violence 417-739-2118
Kirksville Victim Support Services 816-665-0021 816-665-1617
Lebanon Council to Prevent Family Violence of Laclede County 417-532-2885 417-588-9773 800-588-9773
Maiden Liberty Shelter/The Children's Place 314-276-5500 314-276-2955
Mexico Audrian County Crisis Intervention Services 314-581-5280 314-581-2280 800-246-2280
Mountain View The Agape House, Inc. of Mountain View 417-934-1811
Nevada Council on Families in Crisis 417-667-7171 417-667-3733 800-398-4271
New Haven People Against Domestic Violence 314-237-3605
Pleasant Hill Hope Haven of Cass County 816-884-6033
Poplar Bluff Haven House, Inc. 314-686-4873 314-686-4873 800-491-1138
Rolla Hopeful Expectations 314-634-2440
Rolla Russell House Phelps Cnty Family Crisis Service 314-364-0579 314-364-0222
Sedalia CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) Inc. 816-827-5559 816-827-5555 800-894-1151
Springfield Family Violence Center, Inc. 417-865-0373 417-865-1728 800-831-6863
St. Charles St. Charles Victim of Crime Assist Program 314-947-2646
St. Charles The Women's Center 314-946-6854
St. Louis ALIVE 314-993-7080 314-993-2777
St. Louis Educational Center on Family Violence 314-771-1116
St. Louis Kathy J. Weinman Shelter for Battered Women and their Children 314-423-1117 314-423-1117
St. Louis Legal Advocates for Abused Women 314-454-6940 314-454-6910 800-444-0514
St. Louis New Life Style Program 314-531-5391
St. Louis Rape and Violence End Now (RAVEN) 314-645-2492 314-645-2075
St. Louis St. Louis Circuit Attorney's Service 314-622-4373
St. Louis St. Martha's Hall 314-533-1313
St. Louis The Women's Safe House 314-772-4535 314-772-4535
St. Louis Victim Service Council 314-889-3075
St. Louis Women's Self Help Center 314-531-9100 314-531-2003
St. Louis YWCA Transitional Housing Program 314-533-9400 314-533-940
Trenton North Central Missouri Women's and Children's Abuse Shelter 816-359-3297 800-942-0649
Warrensburg Survial 816-429-1088 816-429-2847
Waynesville Pulaski County Crisis Center 314-774-2628
West Plains Christos House 417-256-9255 417-256-9255

[dlwt]

Oh hun I am so sorry. First off dont blame yourself. Do NOT answer his calls I doubt it would have anything to do with your kids. Get caller id if you dont have it already. I actually have a phone that rings different tones for different people if you had a phone like that you would know you definetly aint answering that call.

Also I hate to say this but he can only hurt your feelings if you allow him to. I wouldnt give him the time of day, ignore that he exists and if need be get restraining orders.

Also as others have said record EVERYTHING he says or does to you document it date, time and what happended.

Dont make it easy on him to harrass ya, he apparently gets a kick out of it. IGNORe him and if you cant do that or it gets violent again contact Police, Sheriff, Womens groups etc.

Good luck. Will think good thoughts for you and keep you in my prayers

[feliciac]

((((((((((((msmom79))))))))))))

My only thought is just a suggestion to go along with documenting everything. Get witnesses, if he says things or does things in front of people, have them write it down and sign and date it. The more ammunition you have the easier it will be to take care of this legally.

Stay strong and get the help you need, it's there for that very reason.

[schsa]

Get caller ID and if he calls don't answer. Get an answering machine and screen all of your calls before you answer. Have his number blocked from reaching your phone. The phone company can do that for you. Get yourself a cell phone and carry it with you at all times in case he does try something you can call 911 immediately.

Call your local women's shelter and ask for assistance. Go through the list of numbers given and ask for help. Even if you have to go to your church and ask for assistance to move it is better than living in fear.

Once you move, no one should know where you are. If you want to see your sons, go and see them but don't let them come to see you. This is to protect yourself for a few years until your ex realizes that he can't get to you any more. If you kids can help you move, all the better.

You can break this bond with your ex if you want but you have to be the one to make the move. He isn't going to give up unless you make it impossible for him to get to you.

[christianw27]

ALL GOOD ADVICE, Your kids are grown, there is nothing that you need to talk to him about.

use the answering machine, get the cell phone,carry a tape recorder if you have to. keep a journal and don't answer his phone calls, change your phone number. Keep yourself safe.

[AngelGrim]

where i live you can get a restraining order but it doesn't do much good, you ought to check out online if there are any womens coalitions in your area that would help you move or get out of there.

((((((((hugs))))))))