How can I get the self-esteem to be on my own??

[toritongue]

I have been married for almost 20 years and have 4 children...Our marriage started going bad about 6 years ago but has really gone downhill since the beginning of this summer...My husband quit his well-paying job of 25 years and started a business from scratch..all without discussing with me (I knew nothing about it til it was a done deal) The circumstances of his leaving his job are very shady...He even pretended to go to work everyday for two months...That and other things led to me being hospitalized for severe depression for 3 weeks...After I got home I began doing a little snooping under his sn...I found where he had posted on a swapper site and said he was bisexually curious!!!!! I also checked out his buddy list which was populated with couples looking for single men and gay men...Of course this made me do some snooping around the house and I found a floppy disk with nude pics of him...and he had a pierced penis!!! (We havent been intimate in 26 months so I didnt know he did that).

Needless to say...I know in my heart that I need to get out of this relationship and find some happiness but I cant seem to make the move...I am scared to death to make the move..He has always been the bread-winner while I stayed home with the kid...and now I dont even know what he is going to be making at this job to know if I will be able to support the kids...I have never in my life been on my own and it is a very scary thought to me...I'm afraid I will be always be alone and dont even know if I could manage on my own...But living like this is very bad for me...my depression has gotten worse...I just feel emotionally paralyzed...afraid to do anything...

I know this will be very hard on the kids and I hate to be the one to hurt them...obviously I wont be able to tell them all the reasons I am doing this...On the other hand, I hate for them to grow up thinking this is what marriage is like...two people who dont talk to each other unless they have to and do everything they can to avoid each other even in the house...I just dont know how to find the confidence and self-esteem to do this but doing nothing is driving me crazy...I guess I am just looking for some moral support and for anyone who has been through this before to tell me it will all be alright in the end..If anyone wants to email me my address is toritongue@aol.com

[MsPiggy44]

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[HaveKids,LostMind]

Your marriage was over a long time ago. And you live in your own house with a total stranger! It wont be easy, but you are going to have to leave or make this man, who may slightly resemble the man you married 20 years ago, get out.

Dont worry about your kids. They wont want to see their mother miserable, which you are. And you said yourself this situation is making you ill.

So, dont waste another day living a horrible life.

Even if you get yourself a job at Wal-Mart, you'll be much happier than sitting home with what "used" to be your husband.

HUGS

[cleaningla]

I raised kids for 20 years and suffered from serious depression and low self esteem. Out of desperation I got a job as a housekeeper in a nursing home. Crappy job, I know, but I met people, made friends and now my self esteem is so much better. In January I am starting a class to be a certified nurses aide.

It's not important what job you get. It's an oppertunity to meet people and make friends your own age.

I know, nobody will hire me, nobody will like me, blah, blah, blah. Seen it , done it, been there.

TRY.

[marcy122]

No advice, just a hug for you.

[feliciac]

(((((((((((((toritongue)))))))))))))))

The only advice I can give is to make sure that you get out and take your kids with you. Or make him leave. All you teach your children when you stay is that this is how marriage is supposed to be. And if you do't want them to think that, then you have to make the changes. Let your kids be the reason until you can get enough self esteem of your own. And the best way to do that is to go do stuff for yourself, make friends, go new places, learn new skills. It's isn't easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

[girlwithsoul]

Contact an attorney in regards to support for your kids. You may not be able to tell them all the reasons now but one day they'll be old enough to understand and will respect the decision you've made. Your depression will only get worse the longer you stay with him....please get out now....the sooner the better. Take care hon! My thoughts are with you!

[dlwt]

Oh gosh hun I dont know what to say to make you feel better. I will say you are better than all that and I know YOU can get through anything if you put your mind to it. I will pray for you and think good thoughts for you

[mom2cvam]

{{{{{toritongue}}}}}


You deserve so much better. :(
You'll be in my thoughts.

[woleys]

I hope things get better for you soon. I personally believe you deserve much better. I would contact a lawyer and get the legal advice you are going to need and get out of this marriage ASP. I know it will be hard......but you need to do this for yourself and for your kids. You will be a lot stronger and better person once it is all overwith.

{{{{{toritongue}}}}}

[cleaningla]

I searched Tennessee mental health and here's one link I found, don't know if it will help. You can also try contacting social/human services and see if they can't at least give you some sort of advise.

Well, maybe this will at least get you started.

http://www.korrnet.org/mha/mentlink.htm

I just don't see how you can leave in the condition you are in. :(

[schsa]

Start with the simple stuff. Find the money and take what you can and put it away somewhere. Take cash and stuff it in a mattress or whatever you have to do to get some money put away. Take you name off of every joint credit card. Be sure your name is on the electric bill, phone bill, etc. You are going to need those to keep going.

See a lawyer. Talk to someone you trust and see if they know a good divorce lawyer who will fight for you. And ask not only for child support but also alimony. You are entitled. You have been at home raising children and you deserve alimony. Tell your lawyer that you are going to have to go back to school to update your skills. That will get you alimony after all these years of marriage.

Make a file on what your husband is doing. Copy onto disks or whatever you have to do. Find out about any bank accounts or anywhere that he could be stashing money. Then take him to the cleaners and get everything.

Finally, get yourself into a divorce support group. You are going to need as much help as you can get. Also get into therapy and start doing some volunteer work outside of the home. You would be surprised at how volunteer work will help raise your self esteem.

Take control now or he will walk away with everything. You get to the lawyer first and you start proceedings before he does. You get alimony so that you don't have to go out and work right away. And you stand up for yourself. You will be surprised at what you can do if you make up your mind to do it. Take the profits from the business for the next 10 years if you need to. After all, you raised the kids so that he could do his own thing.

Get angry at the way he treated you and get even. This is no time to be timid. Get angry and get every thing that you deserve. And your kids deserve. And do it now before he takes the kids, the house and you are out on the street on your own.

[mizzy62]

Well, no one has said this yet, but..I will!
If he should get the idea he does want to have any sexual relations with you...DON'T! It sounds like his lifestyle is taking him into some pretty dangerous places. That would be all you would need to add to your troubles, a sexually transmitted disease.
I would also, print out and hide, or somehow...start gathering the things you have seen as documentation, if you do choose to divorce.
Be sure to do it before he wises up, and erases it all. Make a copy of that disk of pictures. It is easy to do, ask us how, we can help you. Put this stuff with someone you trust, or get a safe deposit box of your own.
I am real sorry about your situation. I hope that you can begin to gather the strength you need to get out of this. Maybe if you visualize the good things, the not worrying about what he is doing, the ability to raise your children in such a strained environment, the possibility of having a nice little haven of your own....those things may help you work towards going on with your new and better life.
If you plan on taking the children, be sure and check into housing in your area. Housing and Urban Development have programs around here, that single women with children live rent free, and some even have their utilities paid. BUT there is a waiting list. Get on it now, so when you are stronger, you are ready! Depending upon where you live, the wait can be a year or more. But don't despair, if you need to leave sooner...they can sometimes work that out.
Vocational Rehabilitation also can be a help, with retraining displaced homemakers, sometimes even helping with living and child care expenses while you go to school.
Start envisioning a better life..get help where you can, and then go for it! Life is too short to live like you do.
We are all behind you...don't forget that!:D

[ttistin]

Yes it is scary and it is going to be hard. But in the end you will be so much happier, you will be able to show your children that that is not how marriage is.

{{{HUGS}}}

[Dolly<3]

(((((Tori)))))

[miralys]

I don't have anything to add to this great advice but just wanted to wish you luck! {{{hugs}}}

[toritongue]

I just want to thank everyone who responded and/or emailed me...I have gotten a part-time job as a customer service rep for a very large company...I did copy the pics and emails I found..also his buddy list...I can't snoop anymore because he changed his password. I don't know why I can't seem to take that step...fear of the unknown I guess or not enough faith in myself that I can make it..Sometimes I think I should just continue on as things are ...but then I hear Dr. Phil's voice..."And how's that workin for ya??" LOL Not very well apparently.
As for intimacy I am not worried...There has been none for 26 months...not even a hug or a peck on the cheek...FOR 26 MONTHS!!! What the heck am I waiting for???
But thanks again everyone...Y'all give me hope....

[msmom79]

i got the house worth maybe 12,000 not much but mine-he got 2 trailers,11 acres valued at 180,000.i was told not to fight it,yeah i know how you feel im 43 both my sons are grown. never been alone one day in the last 24 years.hey i work at pizza hut,i dont make much,but im making it.just do what i did ,believe in yourself,ask god to lead you in the right direction. and he will.you dont deserve the treatment you or your kids are getting.believe it or not we set examples for our kids,and what they see mom&dad do they usally follow. GET A LAWYER NOW!!!!!! GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK MORE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME AT (PARKERANNA79@HOTMAIL.COM) CAUSE I BEEN THERE DONE THAT .NOT THE BISEXUAL STUFF,BUT THE HUBBY DOING HIS OWN THING AND IT WAS NOT FOR ME.MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU ANN