need advice about kids

[Angelbear3]

My son just started kindergarten this year and seems to be having a lot of trouble adjusting. I just came back from a parent/teacher conference. His teacher told me that my son is very emotionally immature... that he cries if anything happens out of routine. That he cries over every little thing that may go wrong such as another child handing him a wrong paper. He appears to never pay attention, when she asks if he's listening he'll say either "No" or "I don't know"...

My son can read and do simple addition and subtraction. He loves learning, always has. However, when his teacher tries to get him to do anything like that he gets upset. He won't play with the other children but always sits by himself. She said another thing that concerns her is like today he was sitting by himself on a bench and another teacher walked up to him to ask him if he was okay and touched him on the shoulder and he cried and told her not to touch him. When other little kids ask him to play he refuses and makes up excuses like his feet hurt or his head hurts or his legs hurt etc... also that he wants to watch TV instead.

He's also recently started going to the bathroom in his pants at home. On a daily basis...

This is my only child and my mom isn't really around to give me advice on parenting and such.. so I guess what I want to know is everyone's opinion on his behavior. I'm wanting to add more structure and rules to his homelife so that he may be more used to school rules and such... what kind of rules and chores did/do you guys have for your 5 year olds???

Please help... I'm so worried about him. He won't talk to me or his teacher. He doesn't talk about school at all. He won't tell me what he does during the day and he won't tell me what he does to get in trouble. My little boy has changed so much in the past couple weeks and it's scaring me a little.

[spongebob]

i wished i knew what to tell you.. i would if you could go to the school and stay for a while i did that on my oldest son and at recess maybe you can coach him into playing with other kids then maybe they will start talking and he will relax around them.. are try having a little party after school and invite some of his classmates over.. sounds like he might be shy.. they try to tell me my son dosn't pay attention either again my oldest son.. then i would think you would notice that at home also..

remind him what a big boy he is...look at his papers with him that he brings home talk about them tell him how good he doing .. my son pass his spelling test he in the third grade and i said yeah your the man...

far as chores goes.. pick up toys,, put your dirty clothes in the hamper mine 8 and he is putting his clothes away.. they can clean off end tables and such..

give him a small allowance if you can.. then he can learn to save for what he wants to buy..

good luck and remember he just a little guy.. give him a hug when he needs it..you and him will get though this he just needs that extra push..try some after school activities with other kids that might help him to open up and have fun..good luck..

people these days want are kids to grow up so fast.. maybe he not ready yet for school.. i didn't start wayne intill he was six my other two i started at five..

[Angelbear3]

thanks for your comments... I forgot to add that the teacher recommended a "child study" program where the counselors will watch him and talk with him and such.... good idea or bad?

[tiffany21]

what you need to do is go one day and see if their is a child picking on him. or teasing him. he just might need some time. my son sat by himself and did not play with other kids either he just did't want to but he started to one day. and well now he is in the 5th grade with lots of friends. and it could br also that him and the teacher just don't get along they just don't click sometimes that happens and kids can feel that also. hugs to you both

[magenta]

Do you think maybe he is not ready for K yet? My son had socialization problems in K. He was very emotionally immature too. My son has a late birthday so he just made the cut off for enrollment and was born 6 weeks premature. This was the reason our peditrician and school counselors gave us for his immaturity. Plus he hadn't any preschool or day care before. Does your son have a late birthday?

In hindsight, I should have kept him out of K til he was 6. He was not ready. He had some of the same problems you are describing.

Personally, I would talk to his pede and the school counselor and see what they could offer. He may be better off being pulled out til next year. I think the key is getting him to talk about it. You have to find out where he is coming from. Take is slow and tell him how importent it is for him to let you know how he feels so you can help him. Let him know how much you love him and want to help him feel better.

I know how hard this is for you. Good luck.

[cinnamonch]

has your child ever been in day care? If not, he is probably not used to being away from you and trying to do whatever he can so that he will be sent home. As far as him using the bathroom on himself, he is doing that so you will still see him as a baby and therefore not send him to school.

To handle the situation at school, see if you can go and observe the class without him knowing and see whats going on. There could be a number of possibilities and you wont know if you dont check it out.

At home, when he goes to the bathroom on himself, dont say anything about it. Just have him change his clothes and go on. However, when he ask you if he can go and ride his bike or something, gently remind him that "babies" arent allowed to do those things. And when he tells you he is not a baby, then you can bring up him using the bathroom on himself and how that is being babyish.

[zitra]

I agree that it could be any number of things from him not being ready to be in school, just not used to being away from you, ot being picked on by another student, or even a teacher. Ask your son what is bothering him, ask him if anyone is pickign on him, does he like his teacher. Also go to the school one day to observe what is going on. I have a niece who started wetting herself after he parents divorced~it is usually associated with somehting that is upsettign to the child.

[momfromTN]

I disagree with the ADD/ADHD testing. First of all, it is difficult to get a proper diagnosis until about age 8, according to a top psychologist who was testing my younger son for autism last year. It is also WAY over-diagnosed and WAY too many kids are put on Ritalin or whatever. Personally, I think he wants to be home and is trying everything he can to stay home. I think I would pull him out until next year. JMO.

[EtherealGirl]

Wow, it's so hard for me to read this. I went through almost the exact same thing with my daughter. She also had a late birthday and was only four when she entered kindergarten. She was labeled "emotionally immature" also. But come on, how can a 4-year-old be emotionally immature? She was very, very bright, and also had had two years of preschool.

The bottom line...kindergarten nearly ruined her. She was a completely different child. I cried almost every day, and was at the school constantly. Kindergarten is very hard from some children. I was suprised by how strict they are.

Anyway, I ended up removing her from kingergarten and "home schooling" her. I say that in quotes because I put it on record with the school that she was being home schooled so that she wouldn't have to repeat kindergarten.

She's now in second grade and tested at the gifted level. It took a lot of work on my part to get the school to realize that she is different. She's in special ed, as a lot of gifted students are, because they learn differently.

She's really happy in school now. My thoughts are with you and your son. My only advice is to follow your heart and your gut. You know your son better than anyone. Don't let the school pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do.

Keep us posted!

[momfromTN]

I like the fact that my son's kindergarten (Christian, private) is strict. I think kids need to be taught young about responsibilities. My son is doing ok this year. Last year was the year from hell at the Head Start he went to. Long story.

[Angelbear3]

No he didn't attend preschool and was only in daycare a couple months when he was two. I personally would not agree to putting my son on any type of meds... he doesn't have a pediatrician so any doctor I would take him to would be totally unfamiliar with his case... I don't want to pull him out of kindergarten, he needs to be around children and he truly enjoys school. He literally jumps out of bed in the morning and all he ever talks about is his teacher

[twinkiesmom]

He may just need to time adjust if he wasn't socially around other groups of kids before kindergarten. I've seen socially immature kids need to repeat K. There's 2 that were in my kids' class that are repeating K. I think preschool and daycare is a real big help when it comes to letting kids go to Kindergarten. Good luck. Go with him to school functions, ie any out of school assemblies, Science nites, reading nites, etc. My school has a science nite coming up, Harvest Dance . . . Get involved w/the school. Volunteering in the class helps. Show him it's ok to get involved. He maybe come around.

[twinfawn]

I had some of the same probs with my son when he was in Kindergarten, But once he was adjusted to it he was fine, I think he is ok, and will be just fine.....My son used to sit alone and never play with anyone, and his teacher use to tell me that all he ever did was day dream and never pay attention in class......He seemed very slow in class as well.....But I am telling you to just give the boy a little more time mom and see....Just act as if nothing is wrong.....But as far as the pants wetting,I'm not real sure how to handle that situation..Hmmmm...Just give him lots of love and let him know how smart you think he is, and help him read or whatever he doing in school.....Invite one of the kids over afterschool or something...

[atag71]

I actually kept my 5 yr old home this year because i dont think she's ready emotionally. She was really mad at me but I knew i was going to have to live at the school. So I figure she can go next year. She also is very bright but emotionally, she just wasn't ready. Hugs to you on whatever you do.

[DivineMsDi]

ANGELBEAR3---HUGS.

I am the mother of an only child, also 5, and he's been having a tough time adjusting as well. I was going to post my problem this morning. Apart from my son having this stomach bug (it was back yesterday!) on and off for 2 weeks and missing school, he has had issues in:

1. Kids spitting at him on the bus and in the cafeteria (so he says). A boy also pushed him last week in the bathroom.

2. He refuses to eat at school, especially not in the cafeteria. He won't even drink anything. He is a weird kid when it comes to food and says he hates the smell of the place (one of my nephews is also this way).

He comes home and eats (as long as it is something he likes, which is in a limited range).

Today he's home again, since he was sick all yesterday.(stomach virus according to the doctor.) Now he is jumping around like a maniac, but without a car daily I cannot go get him if he throws up. Lucky for me, I had the car yesterday when he got sick.

My son is "anxious" in general. He has this type of personality. If anyone has seen "MONK" that is my son...seriously!!!

I think your son may be overwelmed by everything. These days what they expect from a 5 year old is too much. They are not allowed to develop at their own pace. And any abberation in behavior seems to be labeled ADD or mental problems.

Your son's refusal to use the bathroom is one of the few things he can control (like my son not eating).

I wish you luck. You can pm me if you need a friend. Keep us posted, because I need to know what I can do about my son as well...

[EtherealGirl]

MsDi, have you had your son tested for Sensory Integration Dysfunction? My daughter has it, and she's been getting weekly occupational therapy for a year. It's helped her tremendously! You can look it up online for more info. Best wishes with your son :)

[DivineMsDi]

Do you have to pay for it or does it get paid for by the state? I know he has something like that syndrome...My sister's second son is also like that to a point...he vomits at strange smells and weird things.. how was your daughter diagnosed?

[sweet~n~sassy]

Maybe being around so many people is overwhelming for him. I remember when I was little, I used to cry every day for the first few weeks of school. This went on all the way up until jr. high. None of the other kids were mean to me, I had a lot of friends and I loved going to school. I was just extremely shy and being around so many different people just got to me and the only way for me to deal with it was to cry.

[Angelbear3]

Well, he got in trouble again today in school... not quite sure for what as it seems everything he does is just labeled as "not following directions"

We had another problem last night with him going to the bathroom in his pants and I need to specify further that he is not "wetting" his pants... its the other.

He's driving me up a wall...it's like he's two different people... one at school and one at home

[Unicornmom77]

I dont have any adivec just sending out prayers for you and your son!! I hope it works out soon hun!

Oh and my 6 and 4 yr old have chores, they do things like picking up the living room floor and their rooms, picking up trash out of the yard, sweeping the kitchen floor and picking up after themsleves. Not all of these at once mind you! But one chore a week in addition too their rooms and themsleves! GOOD LUCK!

[latestdish]

I disagree respectfully with calling him a baby. Have him when he has accidents, for starters, put his own underwear in the hamper when it is dirty. Next time you do laundry, have him "help" in a supervised manner. In the meantime, maybe invest in an older kid diaper like Goodnites if it continues. As far the problems at school, I'd agree with the volunteering part. Give him extra love and hugs, and tell him you love him no matter what. Feel free to use non-violent forms of discipline like time outs if thay work. Sadly, at that age, it sometimes does not anymore. Talk with him about what he likes/does not like about school. Talk to him about how it might be better. Sometimes simple things help, like letting him pick out his own outfit the night before. As long as it is clean, seasonably and morally appropriate, it gives kids a sense of ownership of their lives. Give choices, like healthy snacks in a lunch. Give stars on a wall chart for good behavior, and praise heavily when he does good. Don't dwell on the bad. After so many stickers, allow him a reasonable small treat. You know your child betterthan anyone else on earth, you have to pick out what that is. Make sure he is sleeping well at night. Check the child's mattress for firmness, and comfort level. Make sure house is quiet at night, and try an earlier bed time (1/2 an hour earlier, see if child feels better.) A lot of "behavioral" problems often turn out to be rooted in something simple. Avoid lots of sugar, and have the child tested for allergies. Ask K teacher if naps are taken during the day. -Joy

[twinkiesmom]

Originally posted by Angelbear3


We had another problem last night with him going to the bathroom in his pants and I need to specify further that he is not "wetting" his pants... its the other.


I had that problem w/my 4yr old for a while, then he stopped and all of the sudden at 5 he was doing it again. I've had him wash out his own shorts a couple times before. I told him I was done w/babies and it's not my job anymore to wash poopy pants. U poop in em, u wash em. I also started taking away the activity that he was doing at the time. If he was on the computer and that was too important to leave to get up and go to the bathroom, the puter was taken away. If it was nintendo, that was taken away for a week.

[EtherealGirl]

MsDi,

Her insurance covers it. But if it didn't, I'd have the school pay for it.

She was diagnosed by her OT. There is a 2.5 hour test that they perform to diagnose it. She was initially referred to OT by her pediatrician, so you may want to start there. You can also call the school and ask to speak with the OT there. She/he should be able to refer you to someone who does SI testing.

Good luck!!!


Originally posted by DivineMsDi
Do you have to pay for it or does it get paid for by the state? I know he has something like that syndrome...My sister's second son is also like that to a point...he vomits at strange smells and weird things.. how was your daughter diagnosed?

[snow_queen]

EtherealGirl made a good suggestion, I had some of the same problems as a child...still have a few as an adult (dislike being touched suddenly)...I would also look up Asperger's syndrome on Google if you could... more common than most think.

[Angelbear3]

Sorry for seeming to have dropped out of this thread... I started working a couple months ago and this job is driving me NUTS!! Anyway, my son is still having problems in school. We've changed some things at home which he seems to enjoy... I put up a behavior/chore chart... gets a sticker for each one... at the end of the week he'll get $0.12 per sticker... doesn't seem like much but it'll add up to $10.00/week. Plenty for a 5 year old.

He's still having trouble at school and NOT A WORD from his teacher about it... she seemed so concerned at the parent/teacher conference but hasn't even sent home the paperwork for his "child study".