Jolie Rouge
09-17-2003, 11:27 AM
Dear Annie,
Your column about what to do when you suspect child abuse was very helpful. I have several compelling reasons to believe that my brother, "Edgar," is physically abusing at least one of his children.
It has been common knowledge in our family that Edgar is emotionally abusive toward his four children, but no one was willing to step forward except me. However, when I finally called the local child welfare authorities, I was treated as if I were the guilty party. It seems the authorities didn't believe a thing I told them. They did pay a visit to my brother's family, but they called ahead and alerted Edgar. I'm sure the visit revealed nothing.
What else can I do? These kids are going to have big problems when they grow up. I wish I could understand why I was received in such a negative way when I tried to stand up for them. The authorities' response just added insult to injury. -- Aunt Who Worries in Pennsylvania
Dear Aunt,
Have you discussed the situation with the children's mother? Does she believe the children are being abused? Give her the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) (ndvh.org), and tell her to contact the hotline if she is concerned about the kids.
We do not know what kind of evidence you have, but if notifying the authorities did not bring results, it is possible there is no abuse going on. (Let's hope.) Meanwhile, keep your eyes and ears open so you can be a source of support.
Dear Annie,
I read with great interest the letter from "Abused and Neglected in Omaha, Neb.," the 6-feet-4-inch male who was abused by his 5-feet-3-inch wife.
In North Carolina, all a woman has to do is make an accusation and the man is hauled off to jail for 48 hours. No proof of abuse is needed, and there is no bond for the accused. Being the female, she is immediately assumed to be the victim. Even if the charges are dismissed, the accused now has a police record.
The laws meant to protect abuse victims are being used as a weapon to abuse males, and of course, no politician wants to touch these laws. -- I Was a Male Victim
Dear Victim,
If our mail is any indication, there are a lot of abused men out there. The National Domestic Violence Hotline WILL help if you call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) (www.ndvh.org). Or contact the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men, 1-877-643-1120 Access Code 0757 (www.noexcuse4abuse.org). Here are more hair-raising tales:
From the Midwest: I tried to leave my girlfriend after she beat me. We have two children, so I foolishly begged her to take me back. I finally succeeded in getting out two months ago. Before I left, however, she beat me up and reported to the police that I had hit her. When she harassed me at my office, I called the police. However, when they arrived, they arrested ME. The system does not protect men.
New York: Anyone being abused should discreetly dial 911 and leave the phone off the cradle so authorities can hear what is really happening.
Florida: My ex-wife hit me so hard on one occasion that I was nearly knocked unconscious. While completing my master's degree, I did a research paper on abused males. Often, the woman feels it is not abuse because men should "just take it." Abuse is not a male or female problem, it's an abuse problem.
Washington: Abused husbands need proof. One way would be to hide a video camera somewhere. If the wife gets out of control, he should be able to lead her into the room with the camera and prove that SHE was beating HIM. No one should have to put up with that kind of treatment and then be judged the perpetrator by officials.
Pennsylvania: My nephew called the police to report that his girlfriend had beaten him, but he was ignored even though he had "battle scars" and witnesses. All the information I have seen regarding abuse is directed at women. I know that many women are abused, but that doesn't mean the reverse doesn't exist, too.
Kentucky: Although I had hot soup poured on me and was stabbed twice, I didn't leave my wife until she began abusing my son. Here are some things I learned:
1. Abuse will happen again and again. It usually escalates.
2. People who are "users" will find "givers" to abuse.
3. Loving someone will not change him or her.
4. If someone stays with an abuser, there are two sick people involved -- the abuser and the victim. The victim "allows" it to happen by staying.
5. There is life after abuse and happiness if you try to find it.
Your column about what to do when you suspect child abuse was very helpful. I have several compelling reasons to believe that my brother, "Edgar," is physically abusing at least one of his children.
It has been common knowledge in our family that Edgar is emotionally abusive toward his four children, but no one was willing to step forward except me. However, when I finally called the local child welfare authorities, I was treated as if I were the guilty party. It seems the authorities didn't believe a thing I told them. They did pay a visit to my brother's family, but they called ahead and alerted Edgar. I'm sure the visit revealed nothing.
What else can I do? These kids are going to have big problems when they grow up. I wish I could understand why I was received in such a negative way when I tried to stand up for them. The authorities' response just added insult to injury. -- Aunt Who Worries in Pennsylvania
Dear Aunt,
Have you discussed the situation with the children's mother? Does she believe the children are being abused? Give her the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) (ndvh.org), and tell her to contact the hotline if she is concerned about the kids.
We do not know what kind of evidence you have, but if notifying the authorities did not bring results, it is possible there is no abuse going on. (Let's hope.) Meanwhile, keep your eyes and ears open so you can be a source of support.
Dear Annie,
I read with great interest the letter from "Abused and Neglected in Omaha, Neb.," the 6-feet-4-inch male who was abused by his 5-feet-3-inch wife.
In North Carolina, all a woman has to do is make an accusation and the man is hauled off to jail for 48 hours. No proof of abuse is needed, and there is no bond for the accused. Being the female, she is immediately assumed to be the victim. Even if the charges are dismissed, the accused now has a police record.
The laws meant to protect abuse victims are being used as a weapon to abuse males, and of course, no politician wants to touch these laws. -- I Was a Male Victim
Dear Victim,
If our mail is any indication, there are a lot of abused men out there. The National Domestic Violence Hotline WILL help if you call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) (www.ndvh.org). Or contact the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men, 1-877-643-1120 Access Code 0757 (www.noexcuse4abuse.org). Here are more hair-raising tales:
From the Midwest: I tried to leave my girlfriend after she beat me. We have two children, so I foolishly begged her to take me back. I finally succeeded in getting out two months ago. Before I left, however, she beat me up and reported to the police that I had hit her. When she harassed me at my office, I called the police. However, when they arrived, they arrested ME. The system does not protect men.
New York: Anyone being abused should discreetly dial 911 and leave the phone off the cradle so authorities can hear what is really happening.
Florida: My ex-wife hit me so hard on one occasion that I was nearly knocked unconscious. While completing my master's degree, I did a research paper on abused males. Often, the woman feels it is not abuse because men should "just take it." Abuse is not a male or female problem, it's an abuse problem.
Washington: Abused husbands need proof. One way would be to hide a video camera somewhere. If the wife gets out of control, he should be able to lead her into the room with the camera and prove that SHE was beating HIM. No one should have to put up with that kind of treatment and then be judged the perpetrator by officials.
Pennsylvania: My nephew called the police to report that his girlfriend had beaten him, but he was ignored even though he had "battle scars" and witnesses. All the information I have seen regarding abuse is directed at women. I know that many women are abused, but that doesn't mean the reverse doesn't exist, too.
Kentucky: Although I had hot soup poured on me and was stabbed twice, I didn't leave my wife until she began abusing my son. Here are some things I learned:
1. Abuse will happen again and again. It usually escalates.
2. People who are "users" will find "givers" to abuse.
3. Loving someone will not change him or her.
4. If someone stays with an abuser, there are two sick people involved -- the abuser and the victim. The victim "allows" it to happen by staying.
5. There is life after abuse and happiness if you try to find it.