What Am I Going to Do With My Mother?!?

[GeThang]

Well, as a lot of you know, I was having trouble with some of the color guard girls I instruct, but those problems are behind us now. All is well, and the kids are trusting my judgement entirely. They had a wonderful performance and I guess they decided that I really do know what I am doing.

Anyway, I guess one of the girls who used to cause me trouble, always ran to the old instructor's house, whining around, telling lies, etc. Well, everything has been soooo calm here for the past few weeks, but I found out today that my mother called the old instructor, left a honkin' long message on her answering machine telling her how the one girl is a liar, tried to get me booted out of my position, and everything! She said a bunch of other stuff that didn't need to be said. My mom wasn't going to tell me she did this, but when I told her things have been going great the past few weeks, she completely takes the credit and tells me about the phone call. She seems to think that the old instructor talked to the girl. That if she had not made that phone call, things would not have gotten any better for me.

It would take too long for me to tell everything my mom said on the message, but when is she going to stop trying to handle my affairs? Especially, doing it behind my back when it isn't needed. I am a grown married woman who takes care of myself and my husband. I don't need her meddling.

[midniteblu2]

When will your Mother stop trying to handle your affairs? Ohhh...right about the time you have to start handling her affairs. *LOL*
Sorry to laugh or make light of this but I swear Mothers never want to admit we grew up & can take care of ourselves.

[iowakat]

Please, please don't take this wrong but I've followed your thread about all the problems you've had. I felt you were being whiney and NOT acting like an adult. If you act the same way around your mother I'm not surprised she stepped in. If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to act like one. JMO

[GeThang]

I talk to her like twice a week.

Sometimes, I just need to vent a little.

[GeThang]

The job I do is very very difficult, but the reward is great. It has been hard taking the place of a woman who held the position for 23 years because a lot is expected of me. I have ironed out a lot of the problems we were having. I have been working on making it more fun for the kids, etc. and it is working.

My problem with my mother is this: She has had a hard time letting go of me, hence, I try not to talk to her everyday. Heck, I try not to tell her everything so she doesn't get too involved. When I lived with her, and a CC company would call, she would act like me and tell them off instead of handing the phone to me and letting me handle it. I understand that she was protective, and never wanted to see me hurt, so every chance she ever had to shield me from something, she would stand between me and the situation.

[janelle]

AW, go ahead and vent. My mother was the same way. I didn't like it but I had to find a way to handle her and you have had to as well. Seems like you have already done part of it. Not telling her things so she won't worry and take over. If your mother is workable then tell her you are not going to tell her things when she embarresses you this way. Then do it. But you know her better than I do so it's your call. My mother would just cry and get mad if I told her that so I just went about my business. Some day you will be handling her affairs and picking out her care home. Try to keep the peace with her. Some daughters will not talk to their mothers at all and this only makes the problem worse for your children, they are learning from you, but you know that. Been there, done that. Vent to your hubby and friends then forget it. Huggs.;) :p :p

[GeThang]

Thanks Janelle. My husband told me today that he is sick of the things she does, that I should just tell her off. I told him that I can't do that, she's my mother. Then, he asked me if I was afraid of her. Nooo, I am not afraid of her, but she holds grudges, and I want to keep the peace. I love her dearly, I really really do. She raised me well, but it bugs me that she did this thing behind my back, and that makes me wonder what else she has done. My husband said the same thing.

She made a scene at our wedding, and he has never forgiven her for that because people still bring it up. I won't even get into that one:rolleyes: He is upset with her so it is easy or him to say, "I think you should just tell her off because I'm sick of her crap."

Thanks. :)

[janelle]

I feel for you hon. At least my mother never holds a grudge, bless her heart she doesn't know how to hold a grudge. Just her personality but she did know how to drive her kids nuts.:p

Learn assertive training and do the broken record. Just keep repeating the same thing over and over to her when she tries to get to you. It really works. "I love you mother but I can't tell you", or something like that. If your hubby can't take it than a friend maybe can be your sounding board. I had two who were and they were life savers.:)

[GeThang]

LOL. That is why I come here :) My best friend always agrees with my husband. She said basically the same thing he did, which I know isn't the right thing to do. What you have just told me is much much better than what I get out of those two. They're all about dumping and running away from the problem, than rather working through it and solving it. It depends on the kind of problem it is though. When it comes to my mom, they are like: "Quit talking to her, bla bla bla." When it come to the color guard issues, they were saying: "Hang in there. It'll get better." (which they were right) It just depends. I always talk to my husband about everything first, then I'll talk to her if he can't really help me. If I need a little more advice, I come here to you guys who always have a great variety of ways to solve problems.

You guys are great :)

[janelle]

Dump your mother??? Yeah, right. Let's see them dump their mother.

Use humor with your hubby. That's what me and my hubby did and do, although it's harder now with her dementia. But we had a funny time talking about the silly things she would say to us. I was her baby so you know how that goes. She diffently did not want to see me get married and he was the worse person in the world. She told me, "you are not going to get rid of that man until you marry him". HUH??

You have to know how my mother thinks but that did make sense to her. She meant he was determined to marry me but it came out funny. And then when she felt really threatened she could get hurtful but it was her own insecurity and I knew it. Just roll with it hon. When she is old and fragile you will be glad you did.

My mother was getting old as well and getting confused. She was nearly forty when she had me. She has dementia today and I think it comes on slowly for years before. I look back and can see it now but when you are standing in it you can't see it. Patience, that's my advice. And then telling the people she embarreses you to that your mother is getting "that way". Believe me, they will understand cause they have mothers that are getting "that way" as well. LOL

[GeThang]

Thanks Janelle. You obviously know how it goes :) Thanks for being here :) Yeah, my mom didn't want me to get married either, and found everything in the world wrong with my husband. I moved out before I was married and she screamed at me, "yeah, he is going to stay there sometimes isn't he? Well, you have no reason to wear a white dress at your wedding, so I don't want any part of it." The next day, everything I owned was on the front porch. I wasn't even ready to move in yet because the landlord had to do some work inside. I had to stay with my best friend for a week, so my stuff sat on her porch for about a week.

My mom will be 51 this month. Thing is, her mom is the same way. At my bridal shower, my grandmother told everyone that I "used to not be this big." Yeah, I've gained like 30 pounds since I graduated high school, and that was over 5 years ago. She made sure she told everyone in the room that I used to be "so much littler" as she put it.

I have a strange family. LOL

[GeThang]

LOL. Okay, I am done venting now. I feel better. :) Thanks guys.

[janelle]

GEE, I'm 56 but I have no kids to drive batty except a couple of step-sons and they are not that much fun to drive batty. LOL Wish I could though. They were a hand full.

Whenever my mother would say things about my looks my hubby would say he didn't agree with her and that is helpful as well. He never fought with her but he would tell me she was not right. Good old hubby.

She would also say, "It's hotter than hell", and he would tell her, "I don't know, I have no reference for that, I've never been there". She never understood him. Now she loves him though. She had to accept him so she did.:p :p

[GeThang]

LOL. Funny hubby. Mine is funny, but his defenses aren't quite as creative. :)

Well, I am calling it a night. Gonna hit the sack and get ready for tomorrow's football game. I think it is going to go great. It is their homecoming, and the kids are quite excited. :)

[janelle]

Good luck and hang in there. Just keep repeating, I will not become my mother, I will not become my mother. Yeah, right, HAHAHAHAHAHA. I think we all do to a certain extent. Maybe my hubby will sit on me but then if he becomes his father I'm gonna shoot him. LOL:D :D

[morris2b]

one word of advise:

Mom: How is your job going?

You: It is doing good, the girls are I are learning together.

Now that is all you have to say, she needs no further explantions, and as long as you continue to feed her info she is going to thrive on stepping into your business, if you don't let it be known, she has lost all grounds to step on....

[Willow]

I know what you're going through. I will be 35 in December and my mother still tries to tell me what to do even though she lives 2,000 miles away. lol I think a lot of mothers are that way. She does it with my older brothers also. They end up telling her off but I'm more like you. I try to keep the peace. If she gets me really upset then I will say something but most of the time I just let her run her mouth. lol