I just don't understand my DH! (yeah I know~again!)

[momfromTN]

I clean, cook and do laundry. I also pay bills and deal with creditors, utilties and anything to do with school and kids. ALL I asked butthead to do is to please do the dinner dishes, which consisted of a pan, a pot, 4 plates and forks, 4 cups and cooking utensils, and to wipe the george foreman grill. All would have taken him about a half hour, if that, to do. I just took a break from working(I do customer service from home about 30-40 hrs a week)and he is in bed and the dishes are sitting in the sink and the kid's are still on the table. I am livid!
I told him thank you and went back to my office to work until 2 am. I don't understand. I asked nicely. I have had a headache all day, yet I have done laundry and cleaned and still did what needed done. I realize he works hard and does about 45 hrs a week. But I work too. He seems to think because I do not go to a workplace, that I am not working or something. I have talked until my face is blue. I have tried the nice route, the nasty route and the indifferent route. I cannot let this house get piggy, because it is a rental and besides, I wouldn't want my kids to live in a sty. I have thought about doing NOTHING for him. No laundry, dishes, nothing. And feeding the kids earlier and making him get his own dinner. I am not asking him to do everything in the house, just a few things to help out at night. I do not feel like this is a lot to ask. Any advice or thoughts?

[GeThang]

Oh boy. My DH and I have been through this one before. Still haven't exactly completely resolved it. LOL

[ebgreen74]

if he is in denial that you actually "work" while you're at home, maybe you should keep your pay check to yourself and see how fast he comes to grips with the fact that you do in fact actually "work" even though you're at home.

[denisemm]

Quit doing it all. Let it get piggy and see what he does.
That's what I did.
Did I live in a f**king pig sty for a while til he figured it out, yes. But he takes care of stuff now.

But I know that route isn't for everyone. Good luck.

[ImaGApeach]

I've been where you are at! In this day and time I do not understand why it's still"womans work" or the house and kids are "my job"-I do not have any answers for you Hon,I finally gave up asking and just done what I could do and if he does not think things are just right I tell him to do them hisself-Sorry I could not help!

[schsa]

Stop doing for him. No laundry, no meals, and I like the idea of no paycheck (although since you pay the bills it probably won't impact him too much). If the kids are your priority, then keep up after them. He can have his own room and pig sty if he likes but you don't have to provide him with clean underwear.

Your other choice is to quit doing anything but your full time job. That's what he does. It shouldn't take more than a week or two before he realizes what things would be like if all you did was work and then go sit down. When he comes home and sits in front of the tv you need to do the same. Ignore the kids or if they ask for something send them to their father the same way he would send them to you. When he goes to bed, you go to bed. But don't do anything more than you absolutely have to. If that means feeding the kids early and leaving the dishes in the sink, fine.

He will get the idea fairly quickly. He might even get mad but you will have made your point.

[squirt]

no thoughts, no ideas, but i like the one where you feed the kids early and when he comes home he has to fix his own, but you know what he'll do, he'll go out to eat, he'll go out to meet new friends and soon he'll never be home because he'll know there is nothing there for him. Be thankful you have a husband to help bring in the paycheck, could you keep the house up without him, what would happen if he walked out today!!! think of what you've got, be thankful for what you've got and work through it the best way you can. But I do understand your side. Talk it over with him.

[momfromTN]

I see your point squirt, although I am not sure I should just keep the house up for fear of him stepping out on me.:) I deserve respect and if I have to work, he should pitch in, period. His excuse is that I don't make the money he does. I make about half on the hour that he does, but he sure likes my paycheck every 2 weeks, which is helping put our son in private school and the other extras. I don't mind working and I do not mind doing the house. But, if I am working late nights to help out, why can he not do some dishes and basic straightening so I am not utterly EXHAUSTED every day? I could never let it get bad here. I do not have to have it hospital sterile or anything. I am talking basic picking up and dishes. But, I will tell you, if my DH decided to go out and meet other people and never come home, the marriage is over. I mean, like yesterday. I will not ever put up with a man stepping out on me. And if he did, it would be HIS fault, not mine.

[momfromTN]

Well, I decided that I will cut back my working hours. DH is not happy. But I told him I am worn out. I need to sleep sometimes and since he is not willing to do even a couple of small chores to help out, then tough.

[ImaGApeach]

Do whatever "YOU" need to do momfromTN-I've learned the hard way if you do not take care of yourself or make time for you-you really ain't getting anywhere by running your self to death and you cannot be of any help to others if you do not help yourself!

[sivohdarba]

I have been in the same situation. When I kept telling him how much it would mean to me if he helped out with the dishes, he started buying paper plates to eat off of..LOL!! But, he does his own laundry now and makes his half of the bed...sometimes!!

I suppose it is progress though?

I wish ya the best. When and if you find a solution, please share with those of us who need help too! :)

[momfromTN]

Last night I asked him to please fold and put away HIS clothes I washed. He said, "um...ok." You guessed it, they are still there today. I am putting them into a basket, but that is all I am doing. And he will be doing his own clothes from now on. I have decided I am not going to do laundry for a man who has absolutely NO consideration for me, who is selfish and doesn't give a rats rear end about how our home looks, yet if I let it go, and someone comes over, GUESS who would be blamed? Yep, me. I am going to do my own thing, take care of the kids, and work part time, instead of full. He has time to sit in front of the boob tube for 4 hrs or more per night, while I rush to finish dinner dishes, and other things, then he can do his own laundry. I am done.
I know I sound like a B!TCH, but it is tiring to have the person who promised to love and cherish you, take advantage of you and treat you no better than a servant.

[Hollie1974]

I always threaten to send my hubby back home to his mama for a few days. That always straigtens him right up!

Good luck hun! hugs!

[feliciac]

Originally posted by squirt
no thoughts, no ideas, but i like the one where you feed the kids early and when he comes home he has to fix his own, but you know what he'll do, he'll go out to eat, he'll go out to meet new friends and soon he'll never be home because he'll know there is nothing there for him. Be thankful you have a husband to help bring in the paycheck, could you keep the house up without him, what would happen if he walked out today!!! think of what you've got, be thankful for what you've got and work through it the best way you can. But I do understand your side. Talk it over with him.

Be thankful you have a husband to bring home a check????? Since when do marriage vows contain that thought? Last I knew they contained things along the lines of cherish and love and honor. I had this argument with my hubby, and let me tell you he figured it out fast. I told him if all he thought he had to contribute to our marriage was his paycheck then he could go find a wh**e because that is apparently what he was looking for. If he wanted a wife he was going to have to work AT HOME just as hard as I did. I think the idea of not doing a da*n thing for him is a good one. Make him see what he has to be thankful for and if he doesn't figure it out, then sit down and determine if this is the way you want your life to be from now on.

I don't mean to be rude to you squirt, but this kind of thinking is what keeps these men thinking they can treat women like this. We have to make them see that they can't and accepting this kind of piggish behavior is not going to do that.

[MommyG3]

Squirt, apparently my ex thought that. Hmm, except for the fact that he should provide for his family.

MFT, your DH's problem is the fact that you work from home. My DH does help with housework, but when I ask him to do certain things, it doesn't get done. My #1 pet peeve about DH is that he will wash clothes, dry them, fold them (or put on hangers) and leave them in the living room for others to put up. THEY NEVER GET PUT UP IF THEY ARE HIS!!! We end up washing them all over again. :rolleyes:

[momfromTN]

He is working out of town this week. So, I am taking that time to get some things organized the way I want them. Then, Friday night, after the kids are in bed, I am going to have a serious talk with Mr Man. I will have a list drawn up of what needs done. I told him last night that I need to work, and I am glad to work to make it easier to pay for things, but he is going to HAVE to help me some. I told him I have broken it down into morning, afternoon and night routines. I figure since I work less and all, I can do the morning and afternoon routines. The night routine is simple. Basic pickup of the house, swiffer floor if needed, and the dinner dishes. Also, supervise pickup of kid's room. (Walking on toys in the dead of night sucks rocks!)I figure it should take him an hour to 90 minutes, tops. And it is only fair. On Saturdays, if I work a long day to get extra hours, and money, he should make sure the house is basically picked up at the end of the day. No laundry done or anything strenuous. Sundays are going to be our day off, except dinner dishes and toy pickup. I hope he goes for it. It is either that, or I will hire one of our teens from church to come on Saturdays. The teens at church are trying to raise money for a trip to Europe. :)

[MommyG3]

;) Good luck. I hope he does what needs done.

[guesswho!]

momfromTN-

I really like your idea of working less hrs. Have u actually been able to cut back?

Sounds like u need a little "leverage" to convince him he has no choice but to help & cutting back hrs.sounds perfect.Also m/b give some serious thought to what areas u might use as "leverage" to help him see the light. Sometimes we all need a little "jumpstart" to motivate us!

Tell him u need the help & if he's not able, then the finances will suffer, b/c something has to give.

Let us know how things go for you.