Ladytiger
08-07-2003, 11:30 PM
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.
They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
PONTIAC, MICHIGAN (AP)
Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
"Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA (Reuters)
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer (himself). Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.
Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
DEROIT, MICHIGAN
R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the clerk refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
MICHIGAN
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.
They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
PONTIAC, MICHIGAN (AP)
Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
"Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA (Reuters)
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer (himself). Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.
Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
DEROIT, MICHIGAN
R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the clerk refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
MICHIGAN
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.