How do I know when its over?

[cole70]

DH and I havent been getting along lately. We just seem to piss each other off ALOT! We work with each other and I know that being with each other 24/7 isnt helping, but we have been working together since we met so I dont know why now its suddenly becoming a problem. BTW-we own part of the company we work for and neither of us can leave right now. I cant even bring myself to tell him that I love him anymore (something we used to say more than once a day-every day). He almost repulses me.

He wont go to consuling because he says he doesnt believe in it (although I havent suggested it lately).

I just dont know what to do. He doesnt beat me or my son, he is a very loving and caring father but I feel like I dont want him around anymore. We have talked about living separtely but we really cant afford it. Do we just tolerate each other?

I feel so lost!

[Tasha405]

Maybe you could spend a few nights with a friend of yours just to get away for a little while. I hope things work out for the best. {{{Hugs}}}

[tiffany21]

try talking to him and may be you two can spend sometime away from each other maybe for just a couple of days. you might need a break from each other

[schsa]

If he won't go into counselling then you need to do it on your own. Something very dramatic has happened to your relationship and by talking to someone you might get some insight into what is happening and why. Many times when we are in a relationship we just can't see what is going on because we spend so much time just trying to get the day to day things done.

Give yourself a chance to talk to someone first before you decide anything. You need to know what has changed and why because something has. A good therapist can help you make the decisions of whether to stay or part.

[mrs.john]

This is close to my situation. I feel like it's over, but I can't get out right now. When I told him that, he went off. I can tell he's trying, but I'm having a hard time trying. I have worked at this marriage for years, through the drinking binges, thru the anger management problems, thru the paternity suit, thru a lot of things. Some things it's too late to try and make up for. Now I'm to the point where I can't hardly tell him that I love him, either, b/c I don't feel like I do.

My husband doesn't beat us, and the drinking has been cut way back, the going out til all hours has pretty much stopped, so it doesn't look like there's a good reason to not be happy (except he still has a terrible temper and breaks things)

Do you think maybe you've outgrown him? Like with me, I went back to school, got a job that I love, lost a lot of weight and finally feel good about myself and confident. He isn't happy with himself, so I feel like he wants to bring me down with him. Could that maybe be some of the problem?

I understand the financial reasons for staying when you want out. Like with me, he ended up offering a proposition that I would be dumb to turn down right now, IMO. B/c his job is shaky, he won't agree to anything legally or residence-wise until I'm done with school so we both know that the boys can be taken care of, whatever happens. He hopes that in that time I will get the emotional attachment back, but I just don't know.

Anyways, I got off track, sorry! I guess I don't really have any advice for you after all, but know that I understand. It's a hard and big decision to make and only you can make it. If you need a shoulder, feel free to pm me. I'm not good with advice, but I can symapthize. {{{cole}}}

[krisharry]

Get some counseling. Don't make any snap decisions.
Think things through. Make a list of reasons why you
love him, want to stay and another why you don't. Weren't
you the one that posted about having paycheck probs-company not
paying you or something? If not, sorry. I just know that financial
probs can tear a marriage to shreds. Maybe one of you can look into
getting a different job so you can have a little time away from each other. AFter I made my lists, I tried to think about 5 years in the future, 10 years,etc. Did I want him in my life? Could I imagine not
having him in my life or being with someone else? Just things to think
about. Anyway, best of luck to you and I hope all works out for the
best.

[cole70]

Thanks everyone! Yes Krisharry, that was me about not getting paid. Funny thing is we rarely argue over money, just everything else. My ds starts all day kindergarten so we wont have to pay for daycare starting in a few weeks-so that is going to help financially. And my parents gave us their car so that monkey is also off our back too.

I looked into just me going to counseling but our insurance wont cover it. But I still feel I NEED to get some professional help so I will find a way.

Thanks Again! I feel better today. :)

Cole

[billiecs]

Maybe since insurance won't cover it you could try your local minister (if you go to church)?

[feliciac]

If you are serious about counseling, alot of places will offer the option of rates based on your income or payment plans. My suggestion would be to call a few and if they can't do that ask for suggestions to places that do. You might also contact some of your local medical centers, they might have suggestions for low cost counseling.

I think it might also be a good idea for you to get away, if not for a vacation, but even for a few days. You sound like you might need to get away from things for a little while. Sometimes that helps to put things back into perspective and you will be able to figure out what has changed, why it changed and if you want to change things back. Take a little time for yourself.

[mrs.john]

Originally posted by Fireball
:eek:

My dear, there is more to a loving passionate caring giving sharing helping relationship than just the lack of beating!
(((hugs to both of you)))

You deserve more than to just not being beat!! Oh my!
I'm sorry that you've been conditioned to think you don't have the right to get more!
I'm so sorry that you're thinking you shouldn't complain as long as he doesn't beat you!

You're on the right track, educating yourself and developing your self esteem, so I just want to encourage you to continue down that path. But if you even have a weak moment of doubt, remember that You do have a right to except the moon as the stars. And the absence of beating isn't "LOVE." Love is more.

Oh honey, I didn't mean it that way. I know that's not good enough and I deserve a lot more. It's other people, friends and family, that would think that since he doesn't beat us, ect. that there's no reason for me to not be happy. There's so much they don't see, so in their eyes, I should be happy. On the surface, it doesn't look like I have legitimate reasons to leave, b/c of things like that, but I know that I do, and I'm hoping eventually it will get better or I am able to get everything together to get myself in the position to leave. I hoped that I explained that a little better:)

[cch]

I searched and found a couple sites that might help you...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
In this Marriage Builders© site, you will be introduced to some of the best ways to overcome marital conflicts and some of the quickest ways to restore love.

http://www.mentalhealthhelpline.com/
Welcome to The Mental Health Helpline. Dr. James F. Lassiter is a Clinical Psychologist licensed to practice independently since 1979. He has extensive training and experience in the areas of Mental Health Care for diagnostics and treatment techniques.
Through our innovative techniques you can discreetly receive professional help from a licensed psychologist without ever leaving the comfort of your own home.

I think if you're suffering from mood swings or depression or anything like that and see your physician, he/she can refer you to a counceling service and your insurance should have to pay.

[Widgetsx3]

I have always said, If you have to ask if it is over...it is not. When it is...you know. When my marriage was over, I told him to leave, changed the locks and never looked back. When it is over you know. I wish you lots of luck, and hope that you work things out for the best for everyone.