why do men hit their wifes/girlfriends?

[angelinwaiting]

I had to call the law out here tonight cause of one of my neighbors got into a fight....he was beating on her and if you lived anywhere within 50 miles of here you would have heard the screaming that was coming from there:mad: she screamed for someone to call the police and so I did...then here comes 2 kids walking up my driveway scared to death of what Daddy was doing to Mommy:mad: these kids were 12 and 6 and I tried to comfort them and let them use my phone to call someone and I still felt helpless...then HE yells for them to get home...the cops come and she would not press charges when she had blood running down her face...he was drunk and gets in his truck and leaves and THEN the cops get him...at least they got him for something but he will be back and it will happen again:mad: Why??:confused: Why do women put up with beatings? I have never been through an abusive relationship so I don't know what it is like but I don't understand....My sister has been in an abusive marriage now for 28 years and I don't understand her either...she tells me she can't leave, WHY?????:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

[Blackberry]

It is almost imposible to understand unless you have experienced it.

My dh thank goodness never laid a hand on me but he used to have a drinking problem & was just horrible when he was drunk and he used to break things. I wanted to leave him so bad more times than I could ever count.

Now this is the tricky part----when he is not drunk (or abusive, etc) there are good times. Maybe you'll notice your husband playing a game with the kids, or maybe he fixes a cup of coffee for you without you asking. Just little things and then you have to weigh it in your mind.........ARE THE BAD TIMES REALLY THAT BAD THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO BREAK UP THIS FAMILY? DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR KIDS TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH A DIVORCE? ARE YOU SCARING THEM FOR LIFE BY TAKING THEM AWAY FROM THEIR DADDY WHO IS NOT PERFECT, BUT AT LEAST HE IS THEIR FATHER?

That's the best I can explain it. But everyone if different. Your neighbor must have her reasons, no matter how screwed up they may be.

[Iluvbears]

why do men hit their wifes/girlfriends?

Any man who hits a woman is a coward. If these women would pick up a iron skillet (or any heavy object)and wear their asses out. It will stop them in their tracks. Why women won't fight back is beyond me. If a man ever laid his hands on me. I'd beat the SOB senseless...That's one thing in life I will not put up with...

[ImaGApeach]

I think its all about control and something lacking in theirselves
In my state she would not have to press charges if there was proof of domestic abuse the cops would have pressed charges and took him in that way he'd be in jail and the state would have the charges against him and they would not or could not be dropped! It makes me so mad for men to hit women-they are stronger than us so its not much of a fair fight -I think they need someone bigger and stronger to beat the heck out of them and let them see how it feels. It is so sad this is so common and kids have to watch this too!

[angelinwaiting]

Originally posted by ImaGApeach
I think its all about control and something lacking in theirselves
In my state she would not have to press charges if there was proof of domestic abuse the cops would have pressed charges and took him in that way he'd be in jail and the state would have the charges against him and they would not or could not be dropped! It makes me so mad for men to hit women-they are stronger than us so its not much of a fair fight -I think they need someone bigger and stronger to beat the heck out of them and let them see how it feels. It is so sad this is so common and kids have to watch this too!





I wish that was the law here but the wife has to press charges before they can arrest him....I had to keep telling my husband not to go over there...he told he that he wanted so bad to jump this fence and take our sons ball bat and beat that man in the head with it but that would have only ended up with MY husband in jail....It is a very sad situation:(

[brooks45]

I CANT UNDERSTAND IT EITHER! SORRY FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY TO SEE THIS,, SORRY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR AND KIDS ((((ANGELINWAITING,NEIGHBOR,KIDS))))

[jonette5]

I am so sorry you and your family had to witness that. My heart goes out to those two kids.

What I don't understand is women who say they don't want to subject the kids to divorce, don't want to break up a family....well divorce is better to be subjected to than abuse! They stay with these men and they never break the cycle. The daughters grow up to be beaten and abused and the sons grow up thinking it is alright to hit women! I really just don't get it! I wish all men that hit women ( or women that abuse men..rare but happens) would have somebody bigger and stronger than them, whoop up on them for once and see how it feels.

[squirt]

Usually the man is a coward, sometimes the woman sets him off, there still is no excuse for it. Many years ago when I lived in another state, my now deceased ex and I got into a fight, he beat me. I retalated and hit back (Hey I wasn't going to stand there and take it). I told him to never lay a hand on me like that again. A few years later we moved to CA and once again he started in. I called cops and used that as my grounds for divorce. Been single ever since, most men are vicious pigs. Hey there are some good ones out there, but I've never met one. Have a good day.

[EricsnKy]

Originally posted by angelinwaiting
Why do men hit their wifes/girlfriends ?

Its simple, real men don't do that

[WVCindy]

:mad:Please for the children called children's services. They need to be removed from that situation. Trust me I was one of those kids I would have given anything for someone to have saved me and my siblings. Yes it seperates the kids from the adults but in my eyes the adults don't care(including the mother) because they continue in this behavior. There is just to much help out there for her to allow her children to SUFFER snymore. She is teaching them that it's ok to hit when your mad or drunk or just a man. IT'S WRONG :mad: Sorry I don't usually vent on her:(

[belcherpi]

I wish I knew why women stay with abusive husbands. My sister is in the same situation and she won't listen to what anybody says about her hubby.I also feel that people who hit their spouses are cowards. My BIL is a coward!:mad:

[Willow]

I was thinking the same thing yesterday when I was watching The Burning Bed. As for why they do it I don't really know. I think it makes them feel powerful when they can control a woman. I was in an abusive relationship with my sons sperm donor ( I refuse to call him a father) anyhow I ended the relationship when my son was 10 months old. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship who was 6 at the time. I knew that I had to get out of the situation because not only was it not good for me but it wasn't good for the kids to be living in that environment. I can't speak for all women but sometimes when a person has very low self esteem they start to believe that they aren't worth anything and that no one else would want them. It's hard for them to see things clearly.

[gonnascream]

People ask why I got divorced. I tell people we just grew apart, but truth be told I got sick of getting hit. My ex didn't need to be drunk to be violent, just in a bad mood. And when he got like that you learned what to do, & NOT to do.

And they are right, there are good times. I used to love him with everything I had. But He was also a control freak. 2 good examples :

1. We got into a fight, a real screamer, and he tore all the sheets off the bed while screaming at me "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO !!"

2. The day the car broke down, it was all my fault. You know why ? because "I" had to drive it on the hottest day of the year. It was all my fault. You know what broke on the car ? A part (the cat) that takes time to wear out. But it was all my fault.

You know why we don't leave ? Fear. He was the breadwinner, and I stayed at home with the kids. I can't do it on my own.


Anyways, before I get depressed I left him & gave him a divorce. It was like winning the lottery. I'm free from him. & I hope he reads this. I glad I don't love him anymore. He beat all the love out of me.

[schsa]

Men who abuse have no self esteem and no control in their life except at home. Women who take it have no self esteem and no control over any aspect of their life.

I feel sorry for any woman who considers this acceptable behavior or that she did something to provoke this. And I really feel sorry for any man who feels that if he beats his wife and kids that he's a man.

Yes, abuse is cyclical. But it doesn't have to be that way. The cycle has to be broken but the abused has to be strong enough to leave and not go back. And that's very hard for many women in this situation.

[gonnascream]

(((((ravenlost)))) I feel for you I really do. It wasn't until I got on my own I realized that my ex was a control freak. H e still to this day see's nothing he did wrong. Well mike dear, you can live that world by yourself, but you won't bring anybody else into it.

Name-calling is abuse. We were both guilty of that. Hitting is abuse. We are both guilty of that. But he is guilty of the control. I would have given anything to change him, cause I loved him more than he knew. And he he sits, telling everybody how horible I am now, how Im a whore cause Im dating again, how im ect...... What mike really wanted was a little dog he could control. Just like his daddy. His sorry father has a wife who apparently went to college, but yet has never held down a job and cannot drive. Im not sure if he ever hit her, but to me, his dad has got his mom right where he want her. Under control. She can't go to the store without somebody else taking her. She relies off of his money. If my ex and his dad were to die, She wouldn't know what to do. She could not take care of herself cause she never has. He has controlled her mentally, and mike tried the same thing with me. When it didn't work, he went violent.

[Widgetsx3]

Very rarely does the abuse start off physically. It begins slowly and methodically with emotional abuse. Usually unnoticable. You don't do the laundy just right, the dinner isn't just perfect, the house isn't just so. Usually, as a newly married woman, you want to make your husband happy, so you make subtle changes in they way you do things....then the rules change again, things you have been doing, aren't right. You are flirting with his friends (even though you aren't) You are going out too often with your friends (even though you haven't been out in ages) Your family is a bad influence....slowly he cuts you off from the outside world. Then, when you are at your lowest....the violence begins....Oh, they usually start just by backing you down or in a corner. Then the hitting starts....by then, you have no self esteem left, no friends around, and you have pushed your family out of your life to please someone who can NEVER be pleased. There is a line in Pretty Woman where Richard Gere tells her that she has potential, and alot of gifts....She replys to him that it is easier to believe the bad stuff. How true this is. I was lucky.....he only hit me twice during our marriage....the first time, I bit him so hard, he had to have stiches. We had been married only briefly....If I was smart, I would have left forever, instead of just the week I did. The second time was many years later, after years of emotional battery, and physical intimidation. This time, he hurt me badly. He also hit our 10 month old son with a phone. He was addicted to drugs (he is clean and sober for 4 years now) and cheating on me with my "best friend". I had him thrown in jail, pressed charges, changed the locks on the doors and never looked back. But he stalked me for months after, and beat me twice during the stalking....both times, I had him arrested. It wasn't ewasy, but I did get out....I have found that while the physical wounds have healed.....the emotional ones heal much less quickly. Hope that explains some of it.

[mrssnoop1]

We lived with my Dad beating my Mom for about 9 years. If he mixed whiskey and beer together it would happen. His two sisters like to get him worked up. My Mom did fight back, but she could never get the best of him. One night she laid on the floor after a beating because she couldn't move. My suster and I was to young to know how to get help. He never hit us, although one time while she was at work and he was watching us I lost my gum and his finger prints were on my arm when she got home. Funny she found the strength that night to quit her job and make him go get one. When we were a little older I had taught my sister how to call the police. She was about 4 then. I told her when I told her to call do it and just say our address and yell help. I was going to stand between them cause he never hit us, It was going to happen again and I told her. I will never believe a man can't change if he wants to, because instead of calling for help she stood there and said, "you are a dirty sob (she said the words) and don't ever hit our Mom again!" He never did. He died 13 years ago from cancer, and from year 10-38 of their marriage he never laid a hand on her. Treated her like a queen. When I got married my husband hit me 2 times. I told him I loved him very much, but I would not be one of the woman who kept going back, I learned that lesson from my Mom. I told him if I thought he was even thinking about hitting me I was gone. He had a very bad temper, but now controls it very well. When he was learning to control it and we would get into a argument, he would say get out of my face. I would leave the room and soon it was okay. My sister got mad for me leaving the room, she thought he should go, but I thought it didn't matter as long as it worked. We've been married 29 years and he hasn't hit me since that first year. He was my childhood sweatheart, so I know his family life. He was a victum of abuse all his life. The first time I told him I loved him his answer was "No you don't nobody ever will." I knew I had a way out cause when I got married my Grandparents put money for a plane ticket home in the deepfreeze. He was in the military and they loved him, but always wanted me to know if it didn't work to come home.

[Willow]

I agree with Ravenlost. Fighting back is not always a good idea. Sometimes it can just make things a lot worse. I speak from experience. I think sometimes the emotional abuse is worse than the physical abuse. You heal from the physical wounds but sometimes never heal from the emotional wounds.

[Iluvbears]

Why did I not take a skillet to him? Simple...he would have killed me. And often, that's why women don't fight back...you learn that it just makes things worse.

If you walk up to someone with an iron skillet and bust them upside the head. Then start beating him on the arms, chest, legs, where ever you can hit him. Beat the man like he beats you. Scream at him ask him if he likes it. Don't feel sorry for him while you're beating the sh*t out of him. Think about all the times he beat you and didn't feel any pity whatsoever. I guarantee the person will not get up and try to kill you. He'll be in so much pain. If you fight back or get him at a later time. He will stop.

My aunt's husband use to beat her. We didn't know about the abuse because she never had any marks on her. Oneday we went to her house. Both of her eyes were black. My father asked her what happened. She said, she ran into the cabinet. My father told her next time the cabinet hits you. I want you to pick of something heavy and beat the hell out of it. (He knew her husband hit her.) She did exactly what my father told her to do. She didn't do it at the time of the abuse. She waited until her husband least expected it. He didn't hit her back, he didn't have time to hit her back. She kept beating him and beating him. She left the marriage, she was a SAHM.

If you allow someone to hit you just once. They'll continue to do so. If your b/f or husband hits you. He DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If a person loved you, they would never hurt you. All of these women always say, "Well, I loved him." You may love him but he doesn't love you. How can you love someone who beats you? It makes no sense to me.

Never stay because of the children, never stay because he's the bread winner. Never stay in a relationship where you get used as a punching bag. Cause oneday, you'll be 6 feet under. The beating will never end as long as you allow them to continue.

[SaraSmiles]

Originally posted by 13ducks
It is almost imposible to understand unless you have experienced it.




Very well put.

[gonnascream]

Iluvbears, what you said to do, IMO, is the most dangerous thing you can do.

He can get that skillet away from you & kill you

He can wait till your sleeping

He can cut the brake lines on your car

he can put a garbage bag over your head and kill you

he can drop a hair dryer in the shower

ect...... If you fight him



Personally, I love it when people tell abused women what they should do to the abuser, when they themselves have never gotten hit in thier life (Iluvbears this is not directed at you whatsoever)

People who have never been there can never in thier lives relate. Each abuser is different. Some do it when they are drinking, on drugs, ect.... Some do it purely for an emotional high...and some do it because they are raised that way.... and some really (and I mean it) can not help it

I really do think back and I believe my ex had a chemical imbalance. There were tyons of good times. But I know he had a true anger problem & needs pills. He probably would have turned out different, I saw the times in him where he was rational.

The point is, each abuser situation is different, and nobody can sit there and saw what they should do, until that person has been there.

[Willow]

Originally posted by gonnascream
Iluvbears, what you said to do, IMO, is the most dangerous thing you can do.

He can get that skillet away from you & kill you

He can wait till your sleeping

He can cut the brake lines on your car

he can put a garbage bag over your head and kill you

he can drop a hair dryer in the shower

ect...... If you fight him



Personally, I love it when people tell abused women what they should do to the abuser, when they themselves have never gotten hit in thier life (Iluvbears this is not directed at you whatsoever)

People who have never been there can never in thier lives relate. Each abuser is different. Some do it when they are drinking, on drugs, ect.... Some do it purely for an emotional high...and some do it because they are raised that way.... and some really (and I mean it) can not help it

I really do think back and I believe my ex had a chemical imbalance. There were tyons of good times. But I know he had a true anger problem & needs pills. He probably would have turned out different, I saw the times in him where he was rational.

The point is, each abuser situation is different, and nobody can sit there and saw what they should do, until that person has been there.


I think once someone is an abuser they will always be an abuser. If someone abuses you on a regular basis I don't think fighting back is going to help. I know that in my case there was no way I was going to win a fight with my ex because he was a lot stronger than I was.

[okie]

In my state the person has to be attacking you before you can attack them.If you start attacking them first,you will be the one going to jail,not them.

[angelinwaiting]

If we had the answers, there would not be any of this happening right now...my sister would leave and not be one of the people going through this right now....I know the only way my sister is gonna get out of this abuse is to be carried out on a stretcher and not breathing cause if she is breathing, she will go back...always have and for the life of me, I don't know why....I have called the law on her husband and I live 500 miles away from them, but when she calls and is screaming on the phone that he is killing her and has a gun pointed at her, what else can I do?:( He has even threatened me and my kids and I looked him dead in the eyes and told him that he did not scare me...One day, he will get what is coming to him:( :mad:


I am so sorry for all the women who have gone through abuse and I am so happy that you all got out of it....{{{{{{{{hugz}}}}}}}}

[feliciac]

Originally posted by Iluvbears
Any man who hits a woman is a coward. If these women would pick up a iron skillet (or any heavy object)and wear their asses out. It will stop them in their tracks. Why women won't fight back is beyond me. If a man ever laid his hands on me. I'd beat the SOB senseless...That's one thing in life I will not put up with...

That's how I feel about it too, and have made it very clear to both my ex and my current hubby. Not that either one ever thought about hitting me, but just to make sure they didn't. I told both of them the same thing. I am not stupid enough to come after you when you are awake, but if you ever hit me don't fall asleep when I am around. I have a cast iron skillet and you will see what it feels like. I think if more women would stand up for thmeselves these cowards would think twice about it the next time.

That said, I also have been through this with a girlfriend, and alot of her problem came down to self esteem. He made her feel like no one else would want her, so she stayed. I think it is different with each women and she just has to come to the point on her own when she needs to leave. It is sad to watch, but it's like anything else. You can't make them leave. Cause if they don't want to, they will just go back.

[MommyG3]

Raven is absolutely right. I tried punching my ex a couple of times and he would grab my arm and put it around my back. He would just about break it. He would tell me that I better think twice before I ever try that again.

Instead of wondering why the woman stays, try to prevent the first beating. Learn the signs of an abuser. The first sign is him trying to get you to rely mostly on him and to forget about your family.

[CaptCritter]

People always say to fight back, but if the person is that angry and in that kind of state and you try to fight back it usually only makes the situation 100x worse, I am not going to go into any story, but believe me I have a few. Sometimes the women stay because they fear for themselves and thier children or their other family members, or the bad times are few and far between that they seem to be outweighed by the good times.

Each individual situation is different and I think that what 13ducks said sums it all up "It is almost impossible to understand unless you have experienced it."

[Azriel_LittleHawk]

tiny wee-wee's?


gotta take it out on someone....



**sorry but i think men who beat on women an kids neeed to go a few rounds with mike tyson..let em know what it feels like**

[reneep45]

Originally posted by Ravenlost
Thank you for saying this.

I was in an extremely abusive relationship for seven years. Why did I not leave? He told me he would kill me if I did and I believed him. He also told me he would take the children and I would never see them again and I believed him.

Why did I not take a skillet to him? Simple...he would have killed me. And often, that's why women don't fight back...you learn that it just makes things worse.

Why did I finally leave? He kicked the two-year-old off the porch. I could take the abuse, but he was NOT going to abuse the children.

Know what he told me a couple years after our divorce? That if we had stayed together he would have eventually killed me. Know what? We've been divorced 19 years and I am still afraid of him.

Why did he do it? I don't know. He grew up in an extremely abusive home that ended up in tragedy and I never EVER thought he would be the same as his father. I was wrong.

If you haven't lived through that type of abuse there's NO WAY you can understand. And it is unfair to judge a woman who is living it when you don't understand what she's going through.

There are no simple answers.


same here ! when he started on the kids , i took a chance & left , he made my life miserable for 5 more years (court/childrens service) everything ! my kids are all grown & families of there own & i still fear him !