Would it bother you....

[belle5691]

Im just curious as to thoughts on this situation:

A friend used to be president of a company, had several branch offices, was a fairly prestigious job. He had his own adminstrative assistant--a female. The woman looked him up yesterday--2 years later, and came by his new office (different job). They got in his car and went a block or so away to a Wendy's and had a drink and talked for 30 minutes. His wife saw the woman in his car---and is furious. He didnt think I would be bothered in the same situation---I told him he did not know me well then. It would bother me. Am I alone in this? Just curious how other people would react.

[DBackFan]

Wow thats a toughie. I want to say it wouldn't really bother me because I trust my husband but in all actuality she would probably be lucky to have hair left!

[Xica]

LOL @ Dback :D

Yes, it would bother me. Not enough to yank her hair or his ... :eek: but it would.

[Maeryn]

I don't see what the big deal is. Sounds like two old acquaintances catching up on old times. My BF has run into old GF's every once in a while, and it doesn't bother me.

[justme23]

Originally posted by Maeryn
I don't see what the big deal is. Sounds like two old acquaintances catching up on old times. My BF has run into old GF's every once in a while, and it doesn't bother me.

It's not a big deal, really. But society (and past bad relationships) have conditioned us to not be as trusting as we used to be... and I'm pretty sure most (you being the exception, I wish I was that secure in my relationship! :) ) ppl would be really upset about this... ATLEAST... until they found out what was going on.

[twinkiesmom]

I have a very trusting relationship w/dh. I really don't think it'd be a big deal. I prolly would feel different if the relationship I had was not as trusting.

[janelle]

My hubby has gone out to lunch with the women who worked for him and with him. They are talking business. Maybe she was looking for a reference and catching up on the inside gossip of the company.

Now if she had been an old girlfriend that would be something else. No business going out to lunch when the relationship had been one of dating. That would be like another date.

[Kyla Kym]

I trust my husband, but it would make me so mad that woman would be lucky to make it out of the car alive. The way I see it she has no business in my husbands car. I don't go crawling in other married men's cars so I don't expect any woman have any reason to be in my husband's car. But I would never be in that situation, so I don't have to worry. My husband has enough morals for the all of us. LOL :p And besides where we live at, even if it was just a friendly thing there would be gossip and before you knew it the whole town would be talking about it.

[Lovely One]

Wouldn't bother me...........as long as she was REALLY fat and out of shape and REALLY ugly. (oh, and married or strictly homosexual)LOL

[DreamWarrior]

Well, if I were in that situation, and it were my DBF, I would talk to him first and find out who it was and why she was in his car, if the explanation was the truth (and believe me, I would KNOW) I would let it be, otherwise he would be living in this house with nothing more than this computer and a pillow....

[rain_cries]

I think not the fact that they went to Wendy's for a coke, but that she was in his car would bother me. My way of thinking - if it was just a reference or company gossip, she could have driven her own car down the block and met him inside. I have had business lunches with my male bosses and I always drove myself to and from....

[girlwithsoul]

I don't think it's a big deal if the husband lets the wife know before they go. It's all about honesty. Seeing them without knowing would royally piss me off and so would hearing about it from someone else.

[Kelsey1224]

Originally posted by Fireball
Professional colleagues had lunch together.

Nothing to get upset about.

No working person should have to check with their spouse before they have lunch with a coworker or colleague of the opposite sex.

People have lunch meetings, friendly work lunches, working lunches, etc. People who used to work together get together sometimes to network and find out what's going on in their field.

Any spouse who expects their mate to ask permission before they go to professional lunches has a problem. Imagine what my boss would say if I said I couldn't go to a business lunch without my husband's permission! I could get fired!

Relax. It was nothing more than professional colleagues catching up on business. Maybe she was looking for a job lead. That's how professionals look for jobs: take executives out to lunch and ask for job leads.

Exactly! She was his administrative assistant for goodness sake. That is a very close working relationship. Having a drink with a former co-worker at Wendy's is hardly grounds for suspicion. Heck...they could even splurge and have fries!

Hubby goes out to lunch with co-workers all the time, as do I. It means absolutely nothing.

[janelle]

If this man was the president of a company I'm sure he has had many business lunches with all types of people, male and female. My hubby does it all the time and he is just the manager under the boss. Calm down, it's not like his car was outside of a motel, now that would be something to worry about.

People in business stay in touch for leads to other jobs. I bet the husband was the one who did the inviting and she went in his car cause why take two cars a block? Acually why take two cars across town if you are invited to lunch by someone, you can talk in the car.
Why does he have to say, just a minute while I call my wife and get her permission to go?

My hubby just got back from a business trip with one of the women who work with him. Went on same plane, stayed in same hotel. He tells me when he does these things but I'm sure not every time since he may forget about a business lunch.

I just trust him and by the way his first wife fooled around with her boss on trips and such but there are other signs to look for, like not wanting to come home and working late almost every night. Taking trips that don't make any sense.

You know if the hubby wanted to cheat there are many opportunities within the office to do it without leaving the building. I know of one woman who "did it" on the boss's desk.

If your hubby is going to work around other women you will need to get use to this or he will need to get an all male job, maybe with less pay. Put the shoe on the other foot. What would you do if you worked with men?

[belle5691]

Really interesting to see everyones opinions on this. I think if it was me in the situation---I would not be bothered by the lunch, or coke...I would just be bothered that they went in the same car. But then if I knew her and knew why she came to see him, maybe I would not be bothered at all. Just on an inside note--his wife calmed down--after she found out why the woman came by.:)

[newwiccan]

It wouldn't bother me at all. Heck, the military sent my husband and a female NCO to Seattle together and I didn't give it a second thought.

[girlwithsoul]

Fireball....when you go to lunch with colleauges it sounds like there are several people in one car. That happens with me too. But some women are upset at the fact that their alone in the car together. Not to mention the woman mentioned by the OP saw them in the car together and was upset but calmed down once she found out the innocence of it all. I don't think anyone's denying that co-workers lunch some times and they can be of the opposite sex but the OP was wondering how you would feel if in the exact same situation. I would be upset at first....until I realized what was really going on. :D

[belle5691]

Wow--some strong opinions--which I think is pretty neat.:D To clarify the situation a little bit--both of these people have moved to totally different areas of work. The extra woman had a doctors appointment in the area--and wanted to stop by and say hi. Nothing to do with work. The guys wife, someone remarked that she could be ruining her happiness and her marriage, unfortunately the marriage has been ruined for a while--and this just added stress to it. My friend was a little surprised to see that I told him I could understand how his wife felt in this situation, because parts of it, I would have felt the same way. So, its been interesting to see that others can feel the same, while others can have a totally different reaction.

[Kelsey1224]

Originally posted by Dashy
It wouldn't bother me if I knew he was going to be doing it. It's the going behind the back thing that would really set me off

I don't think there was any going behind the back. She dropped by...they went to Wendy's for a drink. Was he suppose to call his wife for permission first?

It just so happened that his wife saw them. He probably would have told her that night...or maybe not.

Both me and hubby do things are work and we don't mention everything that we do at the end of the day.

We aren't cheating. We are working...and sometimes taking a break with a co-worker. It means nothing!

I must say that if there is a history of cheating...or maybe these two had a more than professional "relationship" in the past...then I could understand the wife getting upset.

Otherwise...what's the big deal.

[mrs.john]

It doesn't bother me. My dh and I both have friends of the opposite sex. One day a woman friend he works with had car trouble and he gave her a ride home. He came home and told me about it b/c he thought it was funny that she asked him if I'd be mad if anybody saw her in his truck. (and for the record she's built a lot better and is a lot better looking than I am--doesn't make a difference to me)

I guess it depends on the marriage.

[Donnagg123]

It all depends I guess. Did she actually see 'em smoochin' or something? I trust my husband and I of course would ask him about it and if he said nothing happened then I would believe him. Unless she actually saw them doing more than talking, then she cannot assume he was doing something.

[janelle]

Well I can see it differently if the marriage has some cheating in it's background. It takes time for trust to build up again. The hubby needs to be extra sensitive to his wife's feelings if he is in the process of eating dirt from something that has really happened. He has to build up her trust again so just have a little talk in the office, don't go out to lunch.

It can be a more complicated world now with men and women working so close together. If you have a strong marriage and your hubby treats you like a queen you don't worry but if you are having problems it can get sticky. Some business lunches are necesary and some are not.

Sorry, but I can see both sides, we just don't want to get crazy about it or the marriage will come apart. Good communication is vital and taking time to be together alone with each other, like dates is really important for a marriage. We need to make our spouse feel they are number one, special for us and we would rather cut off our arm than to hurt them.

[bbjoan]

I DONT THINK I WOULD EVEN LET HIM USE DOG HOUSE I WOULD BE VERY UPSET

[belle5691]

To respond to an earlier comment, about if there was cheating, the wife had reason to be upset. No reason such as that. The wife was upset, said that it was for religious reasons, "The appearance of evil and all that." That if it appeared like he was doing something, then he was.... :rolleyes:

[cpbaby]

Originally posted by Fireball
I must be missing something? What religion prohibits men and women from eating lunch together? What in the heck is EVIL about 2 coworkers grabbing a burger at Wendy's?



Youd be surprised. Each religion has their own "interpretation" of the Bible and usually each preacher has his own interpretation also. We have a religion here that preaches that if the husband doesnt attend church, the wife should withhold "favors" until he comes around. Surprisingly enough, there are more divorces than husbands attending services.

Certain religions believe that you must always do everything with the appearance of "perfection", anything else is inviting evil into your life. Since he was seen talking and eating with someone who wasnt his wife, it could possibly be assumed he was having an affair and therefore, he shouldnt be with someone at all, not even platonically.

I also know of religions that do no let you take "pride" in doing things, such as a talent you possess, by charging fees for doing these things, therefore keeping the members "humble" about the God Given talents they have.


Yes, I would be upset, not majorly, but a little "put out" if I had to hear about the meeting from a friend, instead of from my husband. If he tried to hide it or deny that it happened, THEN Id go off.

[squirt]

He must have a track record for cheating on his wife, or else why would she be concerned. If everything was on the up and up why did she look him up after two years. Hey I have a suspicious mind.

[belle5691]

Ummm...her suspicious mind? For same reason that no job he has ever had has been good enough---for same reason if he uses a slang word thats bad grammar, for same reason, she does not allow his family to visit inside his home. Some people are just like that.

[justme23]

Originally posted by Fireball
I go to lunch alone with just one male colleage sometimes.
At my last job I'd take a 1/2 hour walk with one male colleague often during lunch. No one thought anything; we're mature grown-ups and don't have to be babysat. There aren't always other people along when I go to lunch with a colleague.

It's just a different world than June Cleaver and the 1950s.
There are few work places were there aren't women, and coworkers need to get lunch, go to meetings, and work together.
We just need to get our jobs done, that's pretty much what we're thinking about. Then we can go home to our families.

I'm just don't want anyone to have an unrealistic view of the world and cause herself undue stress because someone's grabbing a quick lunch while they earn a living.
:)

You keep having a fit and trying to teach us about reality, but I think you're missing the point. The wife had no idea he was on a lunch outing w/ an old colleague. No one is disputing the fact that it happens... sheesh. All the woman knew was her husband was in the car w/ a woman she didn't know (at the time)... how was she to know it was a colleage? She also calmed down and wasn't particularly bothered by it once she got all the facts... and I'm sorry, if I drove by the local burger joint and saw my husband in the car (why not in the building?) w/ what appeared to be a woman I didn't know... I assure you I would feel justified in being upset until I knew all the details.


I'd also like to say... not that I live by it... but I grew up southern baptist and it was ALWAYS drilled into our heads that if something appears wrong to even just one person (a public situation such as this) then the situation should be avoided. But I guess only ppl worried about their reputations live by this thinking... like the ppl in the church I grew up in!

[janelle]

Originally posted by belle5691
Ummm...her suspicious mind? For same reason that no job he has ever had has been good enough---for same reason if he uses a slang word thats bad grammar, for same reason, she does not allow his family to visit inside his home. Some people are just like that.

This sounds like a marriage that's in trouble. When ones family can't visit in ones home that is really weird unless they are horrible people that do disgusting things. Then the husband would agree with his wife.

Some people get involved in some offbeat religions after they marry and go off on a tangent with it. Maybe that is what's happening here. If the husband wants a well paying job in todays market he will need to be around women, that's just reality now. Otherwise they will have to go live in the wilderness and he can work alone or with only other men.

[Maeryn]

I've gone out to lunch or coffee with male co-workers and friends. Sometimes I talk about it, sometimes I don't. I don't try to hide anything, but sometimes the circumstance is such a non-issue there's no point in bringing it up.

If there's been a problem with cheating in the relationship, the responsible and courteous thing to do would be to tell the significant other before the fact. "Hey, Jane's in town and stopped by to say hi. We're going to go have lunch." End of story.

If you don't (or can't) trust the person you're with, what's the point of being in the relationship?

I don't agree with the "appearance of evil" concept. Some people are so suspicious or miserable that they will twist any circumstance around to make it look bad, no matter what.