Why do I do this to myself?

[Bohemut]

My father called today and asked me to come visit tomorrow. My sister from California will be up visiting and he wants us all to get together. Sounds perfectly pleasant, right? NOT.

My father has abused me all my life, verbally and emotionally. (I can't go into details because my DD is a member, and will read this. She doesn't need all the gory details.) He, like my mother was, is a controlling person--everything has to be his way. He is also very opinionated and prejudiced. It is not pleasant for me to be around him. His wife is also awful. She gets on me about my weight (she's not thin by any standard either), my "disability", and anything else she can think of. She can't see any reason my mental condition should prevent me from working. She thinks I'm lazy and should be ashamed of myself (yes she has said this to me). It doesn't matter that the pain of my arthritis is moderately severe (enough to keep me in a wheelchair) and that I have severe pain from my back condition. I'm still lazy and worthless.

The situation is this: I was sexually abused by my grandfather and at least one uncle, and physically/verbally/emotionally by both parents. It all started when I was three. I developed multiple personalities to cope. My family of course doesn't know about the multiples--they just thought I was "flaky." Neither my full sister or my half-sister, both older, were ever abused in any way. I was "an accident" and unwanted. Therefore I was no better than a slave to my parents. I don't have enough fond memories involving time with my family to fill up the fingers of one hand.

Now, just because he asked me, I am going on a 1 1/2 hour drive (one way) to spend time with people I don't want to be with. Why, oh why, do I do this to myself? Why can't I just say no. I know the answer--I was beaten enough times to condition me to do whatever they wanted. Even though I'm an adult, with a life and family of my own, I will never be free. I thought I would be when my mother died, but it's been 13 years, and I'm still not free. Maybe after he's gone too...

No need to reply. I just needed to get this out. I will go tomorrow, and I will survive.

[sunie]

I would probably do anything to keep from going including making up an emergency "something just came up", then go and see a good movie;) And as for his wife saying that you are lazy and that you should be ashamed of yourself, don't pay any attention to it, she doesn't live in your body so really she does not have anything to say about it! {{{{BOHEMUT}}}}

[Lizerella]

just wanted to offer ya a hug:) kill em with kindness!

[cinnamonch]

You are a grown person and do not have to do anything you dont want to. They can no longer control you. You however, are giving them that control. Get up tomorrow, have something planned for you and if they get upset that you dont come, oh well. The sun will still rise in the east and set in the west whether you are there or not.

Be selfish and quit allowing them to continue to abuse you.

[NCgranny]

((((((Bohemut)))))) Been there...done that......
Hold your head up high, You Did Nothing Wrong......

[ldavern]

I have seen this happen over and over,, Do not become a victim, you have control over your life now!!! you are old enough, and smart enough to stay away from this situation.. Do not feel the need to please to these people.. WE need you here,, where we have come to love and trust you... DON'T GO

[Donnagg123]

I know EXACTLY how you feel! I won't go into details, but a lot of what you said happened to me too. I used to keep going back 'cause even tho they abuse you, you still feel empty without family, plus you keep thinking this is the time they are going to treat you different or change. Trust me, if they haven't changed by now, it is never gonna happen. I know it is hard, but just accept them for what they are and stay as far away from them as possible! You sound like a very independant person, so just keep on doin' your thang and tell them http://www.villeneuve-leopards.com/news/images/smileys/vtff.gif

((((((Bohemut)))))))))))

[1busymomma]

(((((((((((((BOHEMUT))))))))))))))))

[BeanieLuvR]

{{{{Bohemut}}}}

[Ladytiger]

Nope. Don't go-this time YOU call the shots. Won't go into details, but you have to end the abuse, even if it's not showing up when someone hollars for you.
{{{{{{Bohemut}}}}}}}}
We ARE here for you. We don't judge you, call you names or make you feel bad, especially intentionally. People like that are "lost souls". Let them wander, but not take you down their miserable path with them.

[spongebob]

first let me say i am sorry i know where you are coming from.. i wish i could give you the child hood that you deserve... my child hood was not very fun either didn't have much of one...

but and please don't be mad the only person that can set you free is you... and honey don't look back.. we will always have the memories there but look foward.. i am sorry i wouldn't go.. i would just say sorry i am not going and i don't want to ..

and i understand why you would and that i sbecause they are your family.. if you go let them know you will leave in a heart beat if they can not make it a pleasant visit... hugs to you .. and i wish you the best on what ever you decide..

[chrissypoo]

(((((Bohemut)))))

It's time to take control of your life. You sound like you've pretty much already made up your mind to go and I wish you the best of luck. If you read all of this before you go, remember one thing, they can only hurt you if you allow them to. You are now an adult (I know what you'll say to this...;) ) and it's okay to make an appearance, see your sister and spend the time with HER and then make your exit. Enjoy the ride up and back and even make a stop or two along the way to break up the monotony so the anticipation isn't so unpleasant.

The time has come to make pleasant memories of your own! :D

[Bohemut]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your care and concern.

I do have to go. I'm so conditioned to do what he says that to not go would actually be worse for me. (Every therapist I've had admits that it's too deeply ingrained for me to escape without some harm to myself.) At least I can spend most of the time with my sister. My DD, Freyda, is going with me, so I won't be alone. (My DH can't go. He doesn't think he can keep his peace with my dad, and I don't want a family war. So he's staying home.)

We're planning on spending some time with the family, and a lot of time by ourselves. I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS A HAPPY TIME! :D I'm going shopping while there. My dad lives on the Oregon coast so I can get some things for friends who have never been there.

I think I'll be okay. At least 5 of my alters have come forward to tell me they will be with me and won't let him get away with anything. That's the first time they have every done that--been so open with me. So something good is coming of this. You know--the proverbial silver lining.

[mlayton1994]

((hugs))

[justbeachy]

Bohemut, I wish you all the best of luck today, hon!!!

[mrs.john]

{{{Bohemut}}} Be strong!

[squirt]

(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
WE ALL HAVE TO DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO. as they used to say in the old westerns, 'watch your back'. but have fun. maybe there's a way you can be there and not be there.

[redrig]

just say no!

[schsa]

If you have to go, be strong enough to leave the room when he or his wife starts in on you about anything. Don't give into them. You already know what they are doing and why. Now it is up to you to decide if you will sit there and take it or you will make the first move to do something besides giving in.

[Bohemut]

Just wanted to let everyone know how it went.

First off we were over an hour late because of road construction and getting stuck behind very slow drivers. That was actually okay, except my dad had planned for us all to go out to lunch. We told them go ahead (we called on my cell phone) and we'd meet them at the restaurant. (I had packed sandwiches just in case anyway.) We finally got there and spent a little time at the restaurant. We sat at the end of the table by my sister and her husband. The only person who really talked to us was my BIL.

We then went to my dad's house. They decided there was no way to get my wheelchair inside so we sat outside on the porch. It was beautiful there today, so that was fine. My BIL sat on a bench putting himself between my dad's wife and me. My dad was cordial and even amiable. He was putting on a show for my sister--it was obvious to me, but I didn't care since it meant he was being nice. His wife tried to say a few things to me but my BIL cut that short. He made sure that he kept between us the whole time. It was wonderful--finally someone else has seen through her. He didn't come out and say anything negative about her, but he made it quite clear that she was to leave me alone. This was probably the best visit I have ever had with my dad and his wife. I'll go back and visit again--but only if my BIL is there!

BTW didn't get to go shopping. Since we were so late, by the time we had visited for a short time all the special stores were closed. The sidewalk rolls up by 5:00pm there. LOL. So DH, DD and I are going back to the coast (far north of where my dad lives) to go shopping soon.

All in all it wasn't bad. I spent most of the time in the car with my DD (one of my most favorite people I might add), listening to rockin' music all the way. :D :D :D :D

[Lizerella]

glad it went well for you:) sounds like you have a pretty cool BIL:)

[mesue]

Wow so glad to hear it went well for you, your BIL sounds like an angel. If you have caller ID and an answering machine you could just let the answering machine pickup next time that way you can ignore your Dad if you want too, if your sure you won't be able to deal with it let your family screen the call and decide if it needs your attention otherwise they can delete it. Good Luck!

[rain_cries]

I'm glad it wasn't the ordeal that it could have been thanks to your BIL. Too bad you didn't get your shopping in, but it will make for a nice family trip with your DH and DD. For once, road construction was a blessing! :)

(((hugs)))

[squirt]

Happy to hear it went well with you. Glad you had a good time, and thanks for sharing with us. Have a good day!!!

[ilvmy3babs]

you're story touched me in so many ways! i'm so glad you had a good trip. hope everything continues to go good for you,