It's over. ***VERY, VERY LONG***

[Bohemut]

I love my DH very much, but I'm calling it quits. I just can't live with the bs that he's pulling. My DD is my caregiver. She is paid by the state to take care of me. Okay, so she's not the best caregiver, but for the most part I'm happy with her care.

Last night I had an "episode." I am not on disability because of physical concerns, but because of my mental states. Last night as we were leaving the mall I twigged out. It was because there was a lightening storm going on and it triggered a very painful and frightening memory. I was absolutely terrified. My DD didn't understand and was somewhat callous about it. She didn't want to pull the car over so I could get in with minimal exposure because it would block traffic. She would move the car closer, but I would still have to be out in the elements for 30-40 feet. I couldn't do it. My DH became very upset with her, but instead of fighting then and there, he took me back inside the building. We went out a different exit and the car was much closer--I only had to go less than 10 feet to get to it. We got home okay and everyone settled down. I explained to him what had happened to me and why I had reacted the way I had. He said he was upset over the way my DD acted, but nothing more was said or done.

Today, DH told me that I needed to get a different caregiver. I told him the reasons I had chosen to have my DD as my caregiver. 1) I couldn't find anyone else on the state list who was available (I called over 40 people with no luck, and no one else fit the criteria of what I need). 2) I have to have a caregiver to qualify for Medicaid. Without Medicaid my prescriptions cost over $400.00 a month--too much for us to afford since we are both on SSDI. 3) My DD is available 24X5 (she has another client on weekends) and after 2:30 pm on Sat. & Sun.. 4) With my DD I have much more freedom to go and do things than if I had a traditional caregiver. He didn't care. He wouldn't accept anything I had to say and was angry with me for putting up with her lack of caring. We came to a shaky stand-off, which resulted with me going into another room. We ate dinner separately--each of us at our computers. After dinner he told DD that he wanted her to leave--move out. He didn't talk to me about it first and he told her he hadn't. She didn't say anthing to me, just finished the after dinner cleanup and went to her room. I finally went to her and asked what DH had said to her. She told me and said that if she wasn't wanted her, then she didn't want to be here. I reminded her that she is welcome where ever I am. We went and talked to DH. He was angry and said he was sorry that I was so f****d up in my head that I couldn't see how abusive she is to me. I don't think she is. I think she is young, still a little immature sometimes, and she made a mistake. Who of us at 19 didn't sometimes act a little callous, or uncaring? It's not that she didn't care, she just didn't understand and didn't realize just how bad off I was. He wouldn't listen. I told him that he was the one being abusive and that he was hurting me far more than she ever had. I reminded him that if he ever pulled this crap again, I would leave with her. I will not/cannot live with someone like that. I had to put up with enough of that kind of controlling behavior from my parents--I don't have to put up with it from a husband.

I will not make my DD move out by herself. She doesn't have the financial means to do so. So tomorrow we are going to buy a newspaper and search the apartment ads. I know that DD and I will make it. It will be hard, but we will survive. I don't have the same hope for DH. He cannot live alone. He falls frequently when transferring to and from his wheelchair. He cannot take adequate care of himself. He won't eat if there isn't someone there to remind him or fix something for him. He is unable to drive, and there is no handicapped bus service to our area. He is stuck here by himself if we leave. I feel very bad. I do not like being put in this position, but I have to support my DD--I'm all the family she's got.

I don't want to leave my DH, but I don't see any other option. He won't budge. And he won't listen. Why does he have to be so hard headed and unable to see both sides? How can he say that he cares about and for me, and then do something so hurtful? And how can he say that DD has to go because she doesn't care about me, and yet he can do something ten times worse because he cares for me? It doesn't make sense. I just can't live with this kind of stress and pain. So I've got to leave.

Thanks for listening. You don't have to reply. I just had to get it out. So if you don't see me posting after a few days, you'll know why.

[Princess4J]

{{{Bohemut}}}

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR DAUHTER.
YOU ARE BOTH GOOD PEOPLE.

[ahippiechic]

{{{Bohemut}}}

[TrueSthrnBelle]

((((((Bohemut))))))) I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now. I hope things get better soon.

[gwendolen]

Bohemut... I have a house on the lake just south of where I think you are, and if where you are where I was... YES it was extremely frightenly. My BF and I have a summer house up there that I'm the tarecaker (and kind of like the autumn/winter calm and peace), and this last weekend was truly scary.

[BeanieLuvR]

{{{{Bohemut}}}}

[~Roxy~]

{{{{Bohemut}}}}

[MommyG3]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bohemut}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Ya know, I don't know of many 19 year olds that would take sole care of their mothers. She has kudo points with me.

[Kelsey1224]

I'm going to take a different stance. I see that your hubby was very concerned for you when your daughter wasn't. I understand that it was her immaturity that could be the cause...but the fact is...she was unconcerned for your welfare.

I think your daughter needs to be sat down and explained that she is "working for you". She is being paid to provide your care. I wonder how many daughters (and sons) are providing care for their parents and are not paid for it. They see it as their duty and responsibility. And...they do it out of love for their parents.

The fact that your daughter gets paid is an additional bonus...but it doesn't change her responsibility.

That being said...I do hate that your husband is making you choose between the two of them. That is not fair.

Also...whose apartment is it? Isn't both of yours. Then...why are you leaving? If he is unhappy...tell him to leave.

Of course...you don't want him to leave either. I think if your daughter's attitude was adjusted and she did her job...there would be less problems. Maybe because she knows you will bail her out, she doesn't have any motivation to take care of your properly.

Just don't make any rush decisions until your anger has died down.

[dlwt]

Maybe you are not seeing what your daughter is doing while he sees something you dont see??
I hope you can work it out without anyone moving.
Good luck

Debbie

[dangerousfem]

I have to agree here.. 19 is old enough to grow up and learn to think aobut others feelings.. even if she didn't care as a daughter.. IT WAS HER JOB.. you are her employer.. if you say pull the car around closer.. she needs to understand that is what must be done.. she wouldn't have gotten away with that at another job.. it sounds like she takes advantage of the fact that she is your daughter also.. I do think its wrong that hubby is bieng stubborn.. but atleast he is showing he cares..and I don't think you are returning those feelings by choosing to move instead of making your daughter do the job she is being paid for.

[Princess4J]

Originally posted by Kelsey1224
I'm going to take a different stance. I see that your hubby was very concerned for you when your daughter wasn't. I understand that it was her immaturity that could be the cause...but the fact is...she was unconcerned for your welfare.

I think your daughter needs to be sat down and explained that she is "working for you". She is being paid to provide your care. I wonder how many daughters (and sons) are providing care for their parents and are not paid for it. They see it as their duty and responsibility. And...they do it out of love for their parents.

The fact that your daughter gets paid is an additional bonus...but it doesn't change her responsibility.

That being said...I do hate that your husband is making you choose between the two of them. That is not fair.

Also...whose apartment is it? Isn't both of yours. Then...why are you leaving? If he is unhappy...tell him to leave.

Of course...you don't want him to leave either. I think if your daughter's attitude was adjusted and she did her job...there would be less problems. Maybe because she knows you will bail her out, she doesn't have any motivation to take care of your properly.

Just don't make any rush decisions until your anger has died down.



THATS A GOOD WAY AT LOOKING AT IT.
GOOD ADVICE.

[GAWildKat]

May I take a different stance on this? Freyda is your employee yes. But you've stated that she works 5 days a week for you and 2 days a week for someone else. Is it possible that she's suffering from caregiver burnout?. I know she goes to college as well. This is all a big load for a young woman to handle. Her attitude might be related to her stress levels. I have been my parents caregiver since I was 7 yrs old. When I turned 22 I finally burned out. I couldn't do it anymore. I suddenly turned into the teenage kid from hell. Now I refuse to take care of my mother (dad passed away a few months later in 97). If she wants a caregiver for herself then she has 2 other kids to look to. It's the reality of it. It's not to be harsh or anything towards her, but it's too stressful to deal with her demanding and overbearing ways. If I were you I'd talk to your hubby and Freyda about your concerns and ask her how she is handling being your caregiver. Just my thoughts.

[cinnamonch]

Today, DH told me that I needed to get a different caregiver. I told him the reasons I had chosen to have my DD as my caregiver. 1) I couldn't find anyone else on the state list who was available (I called over 40 people with no luck, and no one else fit the criteria of what I need). 2) I have to have a caregiver to qualify for Medicaid. Without Medicaid my prescriptions cost over $400.00 a month--too much for us to afford since we are both on SSDI. 3) My DD is available 24X5 (she has another client on weekends) and after 2:30 pm on Sat. & Sun.. 4) With my DD I have much more freedom to go and do things than if I had a traditional caregiver

Since your daughter is your care giver, maybe you are asking to much of her. According to your statement, she is literally at your beck and call all the time. I wonder what kind of criteria you have that you couldnt find someone else besides your daughter.

If something were to happen to your daughter (I pray it doesnt) or she decides she doesnt want to care for you anymore, what will you do then? With other care givers, you would not have them with you 24/5 and the extra hours on the weekend so why do you expect your daughter to do more than they do.

As far as the episode that occured, was she on duty or just in the role of your daughter? Sounds like there is no distinction between the two and thats not fair to her not saying that she shouldnt have brought the car closer but then again, it seems as if she doesnt know everything that she needs to know regarding your mental state, ie those things that might trigger you.

[GAWildKat]

Since your daughter is your care giver, maybe you are asking to much of her. According to your statement, she is literally at your beck and call all the time. I wonder what kind of criteria you have that you couldnt find someone else besides your daughter.

If something were to happen to your daughter (I pray it doesnt) or she decides she doesnt want to care for you anymore, what will you do then? With other care givers, you would not have them with you 24/5 and the extra hours on the weekend so why do you expect your daughter to do more than they do.

As far as the episode that occured, was she on duty or just in the role of your daughter? Sounds like there is no distinction between the two and thats not fair to her not saying that she shouldnt have brought the car closer but then again, it seems as if she doesnt know everything that she needs to know regarding your mental state, ie those things that might trigger you.

This is the point I was trying to make. Sorry if I was unclear. I think Freyda needs sometime being a young woman of 19 as well. Is there a way to hire a person that can replace her for a day or 2 a week so she can do normal college girl stuff? I think it will help you both. It also sounds like the 2 of you need a break from one another. I know my mother and I can't be around each other more than 30 mins w/o a fight. I know this may not be the case with the 2 of you but I think it's building up alot of stress between you two.

[MommyG3]

I agree. That is why I thought it was something wonderful that she has taken such good care of you up until now.

[wubbywa]

I don't think your daughter really knows/understands fully what was going on with you. My step-girls are 21 and 23 and the 21 yr. would never beable to handle it either. So I do give her credit for doing what she is doing. As for your husband I am sure it was very hard for him to see what was going on and wants the best for you. Maybe if possible if your daughter had a few days off then he would realize how much you need her.

[1busymomma]

((((((((((bohemut)))))))))))))

That storm was pretty freaky.......I can see both sides regarding your dot as caregiver. I think telling her to move out was out of line but I can see in regards to the storm why he would react that way. I hope it works out soon.

[AllKnowingFool]

Thank you all for your ideas. I will let Super Mom know what you all have said.

We are at home now. Last night she ran away. I followed her and called the police from a gas station. They took her to a hospital because I said I though she was suicidal. When I left, I left everything at home. When the police caught her, they called me at the gas station to pick up her wheelchair. So I got our minivan and got her wheelchair and went to the hospital. I called "Super Dad" from the gas station to let him know what was going on. He didn't seem to care really. I kept him updated all night when I learned something. I made sure he knew what was going on. I talked to the social worker at the hospital. She thinks I need to move out, and to live my life. I agree that I need to do this, but I do not have the resources to do so now. Super Mom and I got home after 5 a.m. "Super Dad", Super Mom, and I all talked until 6:15 a.m when I said I needed to go to bed. I had been up 21 hours, and I am not used to that. Super Mom got me up around 1 p.m. I got her breakfast or lunch, whatever you want to call it. And have gotten the mail. I don't think our talking has resolved anything. "Super Dad" has wanted me out of the house for almost a year now. And *if* I had somewhere to go, I would go. I don't like this situation at all. Anyone want a 19 y/o? I am quiet. Don't smoke. Don't drink. No drugs. I will work. I have one dog. A cocker spaniel. Quite friendly. I am good with children. Any takers?

[Blackerose]

Do you want to come to FL? I live a few minutes from the beach, the community college is less than 1/2 hour away, and I have a 14 yr old boy and a 6 yr old girl at home. :cool:

[Bohemut]

I am still here. DH is still in bed. I told him when it was 3:00 pm but he hasn't stirred yet. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning.

When I wrote last night, I wasn't entirely coherent. I'm somewhat better now so I would like to explain a few things.

My DD is my caretaker and my daughter. It's a fine line. Yes she is available to me most of the time, but that's just as much her choice as mine. We do things together, mother-daughter things, and friend things. So in reality most of our time together isn't really caregiver-employer time. She has her own space. Unless I really need her in her caregiver capacity she is free to come and go. She can spend time with her friends, etc.. But because she is my caregiver, I need to know when she's going and when she'll be back so I can plan my schedule around that. So it's not as bad as it sounded in my first post.

When my DD was born I vowed I would always provide a place for her to be safe, welcomed and loved unconditionally. I would never send her away. If she wanted to move out, I would let her. I'd be sad, but I wouldn't try to stop her. I cannot however allow my DH to force her to leave because then I wouldn't be providing that nice safe place for her. This is very important to me. Growing up I didn't have anything like that. Both my parents, my grandfather and a couple of uncles were abusive to me. My sisters weren't much better. I never had a place where I felt loved and welcomed. I was a burden, and a beast of burden. I vowed when I was even younger than my DD that I would never put any child through that. I cannot let my DH break that vow. If I did then I would no better than the monsters who raised me.

I forgave her for not understanding what was going on with me. As my daughter she was tired and just wanted to go home. As my caregiver she should have seen how much help I needed. It is a very difficult position for her and I recognize that. That's why I didn't come down on her. I forgave her by the end of the evening. My DH just doesn't understand and so far won't budge. He can't see my point of view--he thinks that I let her take advantage of me. He doesn't see all the give and take between us. I know he loves me and is trying to be protective. In that way it's kind of sweet. But for us to make it, he has to let me live up to my vow. It is the most important thing in my life.

DH is still in bed so I don't know what's going to happen yet. I will keep you posted if I can.

[Blackerose]

Bohemut, I admire you for the way you want to provide for your daughter. My oldest sons left home early, before they were 18. But I made it clear that if they ever needed to come back for any reason, they could. My husband did not really get along with them. But I had them first and I also made the promise to them and a few times they did move back in for a while. In a way, I still feel that my children come first. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years, my surviving sons are 22 and 14. Their father is not in their life, I will always be there for them, I'm their mom.

[Iluvbears]

Is your daughter certified to be a caregiver? Was it your daughters choice to take care of you?

IMO 19 yrs old she should be out enjoying her young life. Going to school, hanging with her friends. Not taking care of someone 24/5. I understand she's your daughter, but let her get on with her life. There's people out there who are more qualified in taking care of people in your condition. I don't think you should leave your husband over this ordeal. You asked him to choose between yourself or his son in a different thread, beacuse you can't handle his sons behavior. Now, Dear the tables are turned on you and you want to run away. You don't run away, you try to work things out or at least meet halfway.

If your daughter is going to school can't she live on campus in a dorm? Get help through her school for housing? I imagine they offer programs for students. Unless she's in a vocational school.

I wish you luck and I hope you make the right choices.

[AllKnowingFool]

Iluvbears, I am certified through Medicaid. I didn't choose to work all the hours that I do for my Super Mom. I was put in as the sole caregiver because no one else was available. So. I do it. I am no longer in college for reasons I choose to leave out. I am not the best caregiver. And I am aware of that. I am still learning. But. I am doing better than when I started. I have been taking care of Super Mom for longer than I have been paid for it, and it doesn't bother me. I *do* go out by myself. I have fun with friends. You seem to think I have no life and that I am home all the time. I am home a lot of the time, but that has to do with my friends work schedules, and school schedules. Super Mom does not take all my time when I am home either. She does not tell me where I can go or what I can do.:mad:I am not really at her beck and call. I do as I want most of the time. I do the work I am supposed to. I am not a servant at all. I have lots of time to do my "own thing". I hope you all can understand what I am trying to say.

[Iluvbears]

You seem to think I have no life and that I am home all the time.

I was just going by what the two of you have posted.

[AllKnowingFool]

Iluvebears. I think you are reading more into the way we word things than there are. Please. By all means, go re-read them carefully. OR. PM me, and I can explain.

[MommyG3]

Freyda, how long have you been doing this? I know it takes alot of patience and I give you kudos for this. Iluvebears has probably read the statement that you are available to your mom 24/5. This can be very demanding on a person.

With that being said, do you have any desire to come to MS. I would take you in a heart beat.

Hugs to ((((((((((((((((((((you and supermom)))))))))))))))))))))

[AllKnowingFool]

Well, MommyG3, I've been working like this with her for the state since December. Uhm. I am not quite sure how long I have actually been taking care of her. I've always helped out when I could.

What's the weather like in MS? I like rain.:p And sunshine, of course. Snow is alright as long as I don't have to go anywhere.