I need help (please don't flame me)

[miccit]

I am at the end of my rope. I can't take anymore.

I am married and have 4 kids. I have been with my husband for almost 12 years.

My husband is for lack of better words, and a$$. I have had him arrested for threatening me, he has had affairs (one I can prove, others I am sure have happened and of course it was my fault he had an affair because I didn't want to have sex twice a day cause I was sick and pregnant and had a two year oldto take care of). He treats me like a child. I am not allowed to know how much money we have, and I am not allowed to spend money unless I have permission. He yells at me and the kids all the time. He talks down to me all the time. The kids talk to me the same way he does. I try to be nice to my kids to make up for the fact that their dad is an a$$ and all it does it get me treated like crap. My son talks to me like I am beneath him. My dot's act like I am here to serve them.

In the past two weeks my husband has spent hundreds of dollars on computer stuff and some stupid CNN newswatch thing for the computer. Then, I ask for grocery money and he goes off on me. He gave me $30 to do Easter for the kids, this money was also supposed to cover soap, shampoo, and other necessary items. When I complained he got mad.

This morning I asked him for $10 so I could do the bookmark exchange, he told me not today maybe Saturday. Which put me in a really bad mood. I am trying to get the kids ready for school. They won't get dressed, won't eat, and then we are always late. My four year old took her shoes off after I put them on her. I told her she would have to stay home if she didn't get ready. She went to put on other shoes and then didn't. We have to leave at 7:55 to get them to school. At 8:15, she still wasn't ready. I put her shoes on her twice and swatted her bottom (not hard) for taking them off. My other kids just sit there and don't finish getting ready for school. I have to remind them 50 times to brush their teeth, eat, get their backpacks. I finally just lost it and told them to get their butts in their rooms.

I called the husband and told him to come home from work, I am leaving. I am not living in a house where no one has any respect for me. The kids don't listen. I have tried everything I can think of, I have grounded, taken away things, spanked, nothing works for me. They listen to their dad cause he yells all the time. I refuse to do that.

I told the husband I am leaving and the kids are his. I can't do this anymore. He tries to put it all off on me. He wouldn't have to yell if I kept the house cleaner (I am not the best housekeeper in the world and I know this), or if I did everything he asked me to. He gives me chores to do like I am 8. I don't need him to tell me what to do. He always throughs it up in my face that when he was home with the kids while I worked nights the house was spotless. Of course the house looked great, he would make the kids stay in their rooms while I was gone. And he never did anything other than take care of the house. The kids were never bathed, he didn't help with homework, he never spent any time with them.

I am just sick of this. Everyone acts like everything is my fault.

I suffer from depression, but I am not on medication. I don't have money for it. Heck, I haven't seen a doctor in years cause I don't have money for it. I don't have clothes that don't look like crap, cause there is no money for it. My MIL says stuff about my clothes all the time and it really bugs me. My MIL complains about my house not being spotless. I have four kids and no one ever wants to clean up after themselves.

I think I am going to go check myself into the psych hospital. I want to die, I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't stop crying and I feel awful.

I just don't want to be like this anymore. I don't know what to do. I am sorry to sound like a real bit*h, but I don't have anyone else to talk to.

[Ghetto_Gurl]

(((((miccit)))))) do what you feel is right for you and everyone else involved. if you are truly depressed it just might be the best thing for your kids to stay with their father. GOOD LUCK and just know that we will ALWAYS be here for you!! keep your head up hun!

[miccit]

I don't want to leave my kids. They are my life, but I know I am not any good to them if I feel this way.

I am 2400 miles from my family. I don't have any friends here and my in-laws hate me. I am not sure what to do.

And to top it all off he just called to chew me out for inconveniencing him.

[Kelsey1224]

Sounds to me like your family needs a wake-up call. And...you need some support. Your husband is abusive and controlling. Find a women's shelter in your area.

[Tasha405]

Originally posted by Ghetto_Gurl
(((((miccit)))))) do what you feel is right for you and everyone else involved. if you are truly depressed it just might be the best thing for your kids to stay with their father. GOOD LUCK and just know that we will ALWAYS be here for you!! keep your head up hun! I agree with GG. {{{hugs}}}

[miccit]

Originally posted by Kelsey1224
Sounds to me like your family needs a wake-up call. And...you need some support. Your husband is abusive and controlling. Find a women's shelter in your area.

I have called them before and they either don't have room for me and my kids or I can't get there. I don't have my license and even if I did the car is his. Plus, you have to not let your kids go to school and in our state they will arrest you for that. I don't want to go to jail cause then the kids would really have a problem.

[Ghetto_Gurl]

Originally posted by miccit

And to top it all off he just called to chew me out for inconveniencing him.

:eek: OH HELL NO!!! that is just f*cked up!! i would be shooting flames out my eyes right about now if i were you! he has some nerve! hope you get this all straight soon!

[ajksmom]

{{{{miccit}}}}, you aren't coming off like a b***h to me, it is hard trying to raise a family, let alone one that doesn't appreciate you. Like Ghetto_Gurl said if your are feeling like this then it may be best for them. If you need to go to a hospital for help Please go, don't do anything to hurt yourself or anyone else. Take it one day at a time and get yourself back to 100%.

[~MK~]

{{{{MICCIT}}}}

Did you move into my house? You are EXACTLY the same person I am!

If you wanna talk, you can IM me or email me (queenbeebearmk@yahoo.com)

[captorquewrench]

(((((((((((miccit)))))))))))))

[ajksmom]

I can understand not wanting to leave your kids, even if they don't treat you the way they should. But you have got to get yourself better. And inconvenience the he** out of him, seems like he has been doing it to you an awful lot.

[miccit]

My kids are scared because they heard me tell him I was going to leave. The little one just came out of her room with a note that says== We're sorry. Please do not leave us with dad. We'll do anything just don't leave us please. We love you. Then they signed their names.

I have tried to get my MIL to help, but she says she doesn't want to get involved and that her only concern is the grandkids. Yet, when CPS investigated us because DH was yelling at the kids all the time she got mad at me cause it was my fault. Heck, they sent him to counseling for his anger problem and the therapist told him there was nothing wrong with him it was all my fault.

[GAWildKat]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((miccit)))))))))))) ))))))))))))))

If I were you I'd stand up to the jerk and lay down some rules. If that doesn't change anything or you're afriad of abuse then leave his sorry a$$. He needs to know you aren't a pushover. When my fiancee and I started dating I let him know my thoughts about respect and how he should treat me. I learned the hard way when my exhusband abused me repeatedly over our 2 yr marriage. Never again will I let a man put me beneath him. Stay strong and if ya need to talk to someone PM me.

[mrs.john]

{{{miccit}}}

No matter how your kids and hubby act, WE think you're special :)

[miccit]

Originally posted by mrs.john
{{{miccit}}}

No matter how your kids and hubby act, WE think you're special :)

Thank you all. I really appreciate you listening to me.

[Ghetto_Gurl]

Originally posted by miccit
My kids are scared because they heard me tell him I was going to leave. The little one just came out of her room with a note that says== We're sorry. Please do not leave us with dad. We'll do anything just don't leave us please. We love you. Then they signed their names.

I have tried to get my MIL to help, but she says she doesn't want to get involved and that her only concern is the grandkids. Yet, when CPS investigated us because DH was yelling at the kids all the time she got mad at me cause it was my fault. Heck, they sent him to counseling for his anger problem and the therapist told him there was nothing wrong with him it was all my fault.


:eek: YOUR FAULT?? I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT PERSON HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT! if you lived closer to me i would so help you out. sounds like dh needs a kick in the a$$ badly! sounds to me like the kids are fearful of their father without you there, bad situation all around :( . (((((miccit))))) i hope you find the help and strenght you need right now!

[GAWildKat]

btw miccit i added ya to my yahoo im so we can talk if you'd like to. I'll be outside shortly working on the cars lol.

[miccit]

Originally posted by Ghetto_Gurl
:eek: YOUR FAULT?? I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT PERSON HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT! if you lived closer to me i would so help you out. sounds like dh needs a kick in the a$$ badly! sounds to me like the kids are fearful of their father without you there, bad situation all around :( . (((((miccit))))) i hope you find the help and strenght you need right now!

They are afraid of him to a certain extent. Mostly they don't like the fact that he yells cause they won't do what he asks them to do. Plus, they don't want him to make them spend time with their Grandma. Which he would do if I wasn't here. I just don't know what to do. He is coming home from work (and I got the lecture on if I get fired it's all your fault-- Whatever! They won't fire him they can't find anyone else to do what he does).

[ajksmom]

Don't let him convince you it's your fault. IT'S NOT. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I can tell that you are worried about your kids. It is a hard decision that you have to make. But it doesn't sound like he is going to change, especially since he has went through anger management and it hasn't seemed to help or change him. Can you hang on until your kids get out of school for summer? That way you can get into a shelter and not have to worry about them missing school. Good luck to you sweetie, whatever you have to do.

[miccit]

I was thinking about trying to hang around until summer. The kids get out of school June 20, so it isn't too far off.

He is coming home to sit down and talk this over. Whatever that means. I am not sure what he hopes to accomplish because I know he won't listen to me. He always turns it back on me.

[cinnamonch]

I have called them before and they either don't have room for me and my kids or I can't get there. I don't have my license and even if I did the car is his. Plus, you have to not let your kids go to school and in our state they will arrest you for that. I don't want to go to jail cause then the kids would really have a problem

mccit,

Please call the shelter and explain the situation to them. Can you not scrape up money to get a taxi or take the bus? As far as going to jail because the kids are not in school, that will not be the case in your situation. The people will know what to do concerning the children and their schooling. Do not let this stop you from getting out of this situation.

You dont have to take this abuse that he somehow thinks you deserve. I know violence is not the answer but if I could, I would get the movie "Burning Bed" and let him see what happens when someone reaches the end of their rope.

[miccit]

Originally posted by cinnamonch
mccit,

Please call the shelter and explain the situation to them. Can you not scrape up money to get a taxi or take the bus? As far as going to jail because the kids are not in school, that will not be the case in your situation. The people will know what to do concerning the children and their schooling. Do not let this stop you from getting out of this situation.

You dont have to take this abuse that he somehow thinks you deserve. I know violence is not the answer but if I could, I would get the movie "Burning Bed" and let him see what happens when someone reaches the end of their rope.

I have $.65 to my name. I am not allowed to have access to the bank account. He usually takes me shopping or he gives me a set amount to spend. So, I can't call a taxi or take a bus. And they will arrest you here for not taking your kids to school no matter what the reason. We had parents who got in trouble when their dot missed school and she was in the hospital. I have already been counseled because my dot missed a week when she broke her leg.

He has seen that movie. He doesn't see it from her point of view. What floors me is his ex (who he had an affair with) is abused by her husband and my husband used to defend her and say how awful it was that she was emotionally and physically abused. I just wanted to smack him and tell him to get a clue!

[miccit]

Originally posted by Ravenlost
I totally agree. If you walk out on them it might be just the thing to wake them up. And you don't need a hubby like that.

I am going to call my doctor (they open in a few minutes) and see if he can get me into the hospital. Maybe when I am back on meds and feeling like myself I will be able to handle this situation better. I hope so.

Thanks again everyone.

[kelblend]

(((miccit)))

[kelblend]

Really wish you were closer to me. I'd be on my way!!!! Man i'm still ticked off about this!!!

[cinnamonch]

Do you know how close the nearest shelter is to you? If not, call them and find out. Even if you have to walk to this place, you need to get out your house and away from him as quickly as possible. An and again, talk to the people at the shelter about your children. I know they have to have a solution for this also.

[momfromTN]

Can you not ask your family to help with bus fare? What about a friend or pastor? They could pay for the tickets and have them waiting at the station. Is the bank account in your name too? If so, then he has no right to tell you that you cannot have access to it. Crap! I would be going through his pockets and cleaning out the bank account and selling whatever I could. Is he physically violent too? Call the cops and have his butt put out. And do not depend on your MIL. She sounds like a nut too. Call the women's shelter, social services, WHOEVER and tell them what is going on. SOMEONE will have to listen eventually. There is help out there. cannot believe a women's shelter will not take you and the kids. I have never heard of that. I thought they were there to help, not make you a crime victim, which is what this will amount to if you do not get help soon. I am concerned about you going into the hospital though. He might put you out and take your kids and try to declare you unfit. For gawd's sake, someone has to listen. THis is NOT Afghanistan!

[mlathroum]

((((((MICCIT))))))
Do you have a paypal account or can we set one up for you? I never use mine and I can transfer what little bit is there for you.
I know I couldn't live like that. My Mom would have Hubby's @ss. She handed me a huge castiron skillet when we were getting married. In front of him she said it was to use on his head if he ever touched me in anyway that would hurt me.
It sounds to me like his mother is afraid of him also and maybe has been treated this way by his dad.
Please let us know what happens when he comes home and that you are okay!!

[harlow]

.

[Tadbit]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{miccit}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I don't have any more advice than what the other ladies have already told you, but I will say a prayer for you. Hope you get the help you need. We are here for you.

[Cowgirlie_in_Tennessee]

Originally posted by Ghetto_Gurl
:eek: OH HELL NO!!! that is just f*cked up!! i would be shooting flames out my eyes right about now if i were you! he has some nerve! hope you get this all straight soon!

What Alicia said! :mad: :eek: :mad: :eek:
Girl, the sooner you can leave, either by foot or taxi or by someone else, the better in my opinion. I would really like to say more but Aunt Flo just came for a visit today and I am in a bad mood...and I know I'd say something really rude.

So what I will say is I have been there- almost word for word- and I am soooooo much better off now that we are apart. :D

[~Roxy~]

((((((((((((((miccit)))))))))))))))

[schsa]

Call Pierce Count Mental Health Admin at 206-798-7202 and ask for help. Or go here:http://www.uwpc.org/helpline/quicklist.html
This is a list of everythijng available in your area. Call Catholic Community Services and see if they can take you to your doctor. There is also a Mental Health Center listed along with Shelters.

You don't have to live like this. Your husband is a control freak and he keeps you down by controlling everything that you do. If you stay it isn't going to get better. If you get out, people will help you get a place to stay, get a skill so that you can get a good job and the courts will make him pay support. Don't live like this. You don't have to and there is help out there.

You also have a Good Samaritans organization in that area and there are so many places for you to get help. This man is not a loving and kind person. He is abusive and he has a set pattern of behavior that will not change. Even if he says he will change, it isn't going to happen. Get out and then get Medicaid for you and your kids. Get a place to live and get a job so that you can have some self esteem and get some control back in your life. You have basically given up being an adult and you have let this person treat you like a child. Take back your life or you will live like this forever.

[wingsfan]

{{{{{miccit}}}}


Take a DEEP breath, sweetie....then pick up the phone and call the shelter, if that one won't/can't help, call another and another and another, until you find one that can help...tell them you need a ride or call a cab company or the police and tell them you want a ride to a shelter NOW. You can do this, I KNOW you can! You're a BBS WOMAN and we don't have to take chit from ANYBODY!!!

[MommyG3]

Please keep us updated. Folks, I am worried, if her DH (not dear, either) is coming home, I just wonder what he will do.

[miccit]

I called a couple of shelters. I found one that can help. They can try to work something out with the school district about the kids missing school. We have what is called the Becca Bill here in Washington state. You are not allowed to miss more than 5 days of school a year whether it is excused or not. I guess they used to have a lot of problems with truancy, so the legislature passed this bill. Anyway, the shelter cannot guarantee that I will not get into trouble for keeping the kids out of school. So, I am going to call the district and talk to the assistant superintendent of schools. I know him and he can probably work something out.

I sat down with the husband and talked to him. I told him exactly how I feel and why I won't live like this anymore. I told him that I have not decided what I am going to do. I told him that if he is willing to go into family therapy I will go with him. I am not saying I will stay and I am not saying I will go. I just don't know what I am going to do. I don't really have any family. I have my Grandma who I cannot tell any of this to. She is older and has health problems and I don't want to upset her. I don't really have parents. I mean I have them, but they aren't very parenting if you know what I mean. Other than that I don't have family. I have a couple of uncles and an aunt. The one uncle is crazy and the other thinks my husband can do whatever he wants. My aunt isn't allowed around us cause she is violent. I don't have a pastor. I don't go to church.

I have made an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow about my depression. I am going to call my youngest daughter's family support worker at Head Start and see if they can help out at all. I know there are several agencies that can help.


He has never hit me. He never will hit me, he thinks I am crazy enough to kill him (he may be right). His mom left his dad because he hit her. My husband doesn't remember his childhood up until his mom left his dad, which makes me wonder what he saw when he was little. I am not making excuses I am just stating a fact.

I told him I won't let him treat me the way he has been. He said ok. Then, he talked about the way he feels about some things (like the house and me going back to school which he really really wants me to do). He is right about the house, sometimes our house looks like a zoo moved in. I don't keep up with the housework like I should, but I don't get much help either. He does help out when he can (he is usually gone 13 hours a day with work), it's the kids who don't help. They act like I am the maid.

We are going to sit down with the kids later and talk about expectations we have for them. I am not sure if that will help or not.

He said if I wanted to leave, he would take the kids or if I wanted to go into the hospital he would make arrangements for someone to be with the kids after school. I am going to wait until I talk to the doctor and see what he suggests about the hospital.

Right now, I am going to go to sleep. I haven't slept well in weeks. I don't handle stress well and it really effects my sleep. It has been really stressful here with my dot breaking her leg and they want to put my son back in the hospital because of his violent outbursts (they think he has a form on autism that effects his behaviour).

Thank you everyone for the advice. I just need to sit and think for a while about what to do.

[Lisa03]

{{{{{{{{{{miccit}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Please keep us updated. I hope you get some rest

Rest assure that we are here if you need us

We are all your friends

Lisa

[rugratsX2]

{{{{{{{{{miccit}}}}}}}}}}} I am really glad your husband (seemed) to come home with a level head and not a temper. Talking is the first step. But it is NOT by any means the final step. Get some rest, and make sure you follow through with the phone calls you made so you know your options, so whatever happens you will be prepared.

About 8 years ago I spent a month in a hospital for depression. Those 28 days saved my life. If the dr recommends it, don't hesitate to go.

[miccit]

Originally posted by rugratsX2
{{{{{{{{{miccit}}}}}}}}}}} I am really glad your husband (seemed) to come home with a level head and not a temper. Talking is the first step. But it is NOT by any means the final step. Get some rest, and make sure you follow through with the phone calls you made so you know your options, so whatever happens you will be prepared.

About 8 years ago I spent a month in a hospital for depression. Those 28 days saved my life. If the dr recommends it, don't hesitate to go.

He knew I was really mad and he knew that if he came home all pi$$y I would just walk out. I am glad we talked a little, we have a lot more to talk about.

I just found out they offer family therapy at the college (I live on campus). I am going to check into it.

I also spent about a month in a hospital about 12 years ago. I was pregnant at the time, so they couldn't do a lot for me other than counseling, but it helped.

Thanks again everyone. He is back at work now, so I am just here with the kids and for the time being they are walking on egg shells since they know I am angry with all of them.

[cbshotgun]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by miccit
I told him I won't let him treat me the way he has been. He said ok. Then, he talked about the way he feels about some things (like the house and me going back to school which he really really wants me to do). He is right about the house, sometimes our house looks like a zoo moved in. I don't keep up with the housework like I should, but I don't get much help either. He does help out when he can (he is usually gone 13 hours a day with work), it's the kids who don't help. They act like I am the maid.



I would definitely take him up on the schooling thing. It would get you out of the house and you would be able to interact with other adult people and maybe give you some balance in that sense. I think it would also give you some feeling of self-worth, which seems very low right now.

As for the kids, all kids will push the envelope as far as they can get away with it. You need to be strong about rules. Give each of them regular chores (age appropriate) and if they don't do them, they don't get to do whatever (i.e., watch TV, play video games, go to a friend's, etc.). Make sure whatever you say, you do. Once they see that you are not going to waiver, they will cooperate. I know that it's hard to do, sometimes it's a real struggle that doesn't seem worth it at times, but stick to it and you will see a difference. It really bugs me when my friends b**ch about their kids but then they let them do whatever they want, even drive them there and give them money for it! No way! I want my kids to learn that nothing gets handed to them. You have to work (in some way or another) for everything.

I hope you are feeling better and can get things figured out. I am glad that your DH would never hit you. It sounds like you need to get tough with him too.

[MommyG3]

I am glad you talked to him. I worry ...hey, it is what I do. :D We are all here for you. Schooling sounds like a great idea.

[schsa]

Check and see if there is any form of child development services for students with kids. Your kids could go there after school while you are studying or are in class. My friend did this with her daughter at University of Tennessee.

Please do the best to take care of yourself. You can't help anyone if you are falling apart.

[justbeachy]

{{{miccit}}}

[BeanieLuvR]

{{{{miccit}}}}

[tina z]

((((((((miccut))))))))))you are such a sweetheart! Hope that your hubby gets a clue and straightens up!

[odyssey]

miccut been there at times too.
what helps me when I blow it to just chill out, go out alone for a while.
start the day over with the new rules.
chore chart, responsiblities chart, time schedule.

ALSO move ALL the clock ahead 1 whole hour tonight. The kids will feel they are running late and might be ready tomorrow on time. just an idea.

[Kelsey1224]

I think this all sounds well and good...but your husband is still controlling you by controlling the money. Until you have access to some of the money...you are under his control.

I also think you feel guilty because of the messy house so you let him use that against you. Let me first off state that I am a real clean freak. However, I didn't use to be...I was an absolute slob.

However...what does that have to do with anything? Whether your house is clean or dirty has nothing to do with how he treats you. You don't deserve to be disrespected simply because you didn't run the vaccuum or put away the laundry.

Also, depression is extremely disabling. You look at what needs to get done, you get overwhelmed so you can't do the littlest thing. Until the depression is addressed and treated, your house is just going to have to wait!

And...while he is doling out blame...explain to him that his treatment of you just gets you more depressed and unable to function. So the messy house is ultimately his fault not yours!!!

When you talk again with him...DEMAND MONEY OF YOUR OWN!

[miccit]

Originally posted by MommyG3
I am glad you talked to him. I worry ...hey, it is what I do. :D We are all here for you. Schooling sounds like a great idea.

Must be the mom in you!;) Thank you.

He has wanted me to go to school for a long time. I have put it off for a long time. I am afraid to go back to school. I have been home so long, I don't know what I want to do. On the plus side, I live on a college campus, so I don't have to worry about the commute!!:D

[miccit]

I talked to him about the money. He agreed to sit down with me and we will work something out. I know he worries about me and money. I can understand where he is coming from. My doc thinks I might be bipolar (although there are days I feel like Sybill). Once when I was much younger and much dumber I spent $60,000 in 4 months. I was on a high (not drugs just me) and did some really stupid stuff. This was before we were married, but I think he is afraid.

I used to be a clean freak. My house was spotless. I would go days without sleeping so I could clean my house. It was scary. Then, after I had my oldest I didn't have those feelings anymore. I had severe post partum depression/psychosis. My doctor told me it was all in my head--DUH! And no one would help me, it kind of just built up from there. The best I have felt in 11 years was when I did a medical research for an investigational depression drug. I felt great for the 3 months I was on it. Then, the study was over and they put me on something else and it didn't work as well.

I am going to the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully he can help. Keep your fingers crossed.

As for the kids, we had a long long talk today. I told them to clean their rooms at 1:00. By 2:00 they had done nothing. So, I took everything that was on their floors etc. and put it in garbage bags. It is in the garage, they think I threw it away. I told them if you don't have the stuff to make a mess with, maybe you will learn to respect what little you have. It can't hurt!

They keep telling me they are sorry and I am sure they are to a certain extent. I explained to them that they have said sorry before, but went right back to doing the same crap. I think they are mostly sorry they got into trouble, but they are kids and that is typical.

I don't have really high expectations from my kids. They each have to clean their rooms and then they each have 2 other chores they must do. My 11 year old takes out the trash, vacuums, and sweeps the floors. My 9 year old normally helps with dishes, cleans counters, and cleans the bathroom sinks (right now she is in a cast from her hip down so she has to sit on the floor and pick up what the vacuum can't). The six year old feeds the cat, clears the table, and picks up laundry. The 4 year old sets the table, feeds the fish, and is in charge of hanging up coats. So, they do have chores.

I need to get myself organized. I need to make up some chore charts to keep everyone on task (including myself).

Is wandering attention a side effect of depression?

Thanks again for listening to me. I will work it out. It will take time, but I will get there eventually.

[OX_Love_OX]

I would lose my mind (and self-esteem) living in an enviroment like that. I do think it is fair enough that you take a break from the situation and hopefully everyone will see how amazing you really are. Good luck to you whatever you do and a big HUG from me.
:)

[scifiwoman]

Sounds like you have a plan. Great going. I hope things calm down and you and dh get on the same page for the kids sakes. He does need to work with you more and not against you. Good luck and many {{{{hugs}}}}}

[miccit]

Originally posted by OX_Love_OX
I would lose my mind (and self-esteem) living in an enviroment like that. I do think it is fair enough that you take a break from the situation and hopefully everyone will see how amazing you really are. Good luck to you whatever you do and a big HUG from me.
:)

One of my Girl Scout moms invited me camping this weekend. It is the opening season of fishing. I think I might go. Or I might call DH's boss and finagle a free hotel room for the weekend. I will bribe him with bourbon balls, works everytime!

Thank you for the hug I needed it.

[tiffany21]

miccit I have been their before you feel like you are hanging on by a little peice of thread I know sweetie whent thorugh the same thing with my Ex sweetie
e-mail me ok.


cs1964@msn.com

I have been their we can help each other out

[miccit]

Thank you Tiffany.

Thank you to everyone. Venting is so helpful. I can say things to you all that I can't say to anyone else. Sometimes that is all it takes. I am going to do some soul searching and figure things out.

[sheila_361]

(((miccut))) The wandering attention thing could maybe possibly ADD,ask your dr about testing you for this as well.

[miccit]

Originally posted by sheila_361
(((miccut))) The wandering attention thing could maybe possibly ADD,ask your dr about testing you for this as well.

That is what I was wondering. I will talk to the doctor tomorrow morning. Thanks! :)

[kelblend]

(((miccit)))

[sheila_361]

Your welcome. :)

[Gitty]

{{{{miccit}}}} If he is willing to get someone to come take care of the kids, if you are in the hospital. How about getting a teenage girl to come in after school to pick up the house for 2 hours while you help with homework and give the kids baths. And she may even be able to help with supper prep too. You could call your high school and ask if they can put it over the announcements. Any help you can get would be great! Good Luck! also check this out http://www.freefunpages.com/1/helicopter.htm

[miccit]

Originally posted by Gitty
{{{{miccit}}}} If he is willing to get someone to come take care of the kids, if you are in the hospital. How about getting a teenage girl to come in after school to pick up the house for 2 hours while you help with homework and give the kids baths. And she may even be able to help with supper prep too. You could call your high school and ask if they can put it over the announcements. Any help you can get would be great! Good Luck! also check this out http://www.freefunpages.com/1/helicopter.htm

I thought about putting up a flyer at the high school that is a couple of blocks away or at the college across the street for part time help.

I am hoping the doc will just write me a prescription.

I will have to check that site out. My cat is trying to help me surf the net right now, so it is kind of hard! :)

[RainyStorm]

WOW!

I just remembered why I was saving those tarps and that tape...

I wonder if hubby would like to go fishing ?

*Evil Grin*

[Ashlee]

((((miccit)))) My prayers and thoughts are with u!

[belle5691]

((((((MICCIT)))))))) I am thinking of you. I understand now why you were able to understand and help me last year. My thoughts are with you.

[miccit]

Thank you all.

I went to the doctor today and he put me on Paxil. I go back in a month to see how things are going. He also ran a bunch of blood tests for my thryoid and sugar.

I sat down with my husband last night and we talked. We are going to start family therapy soon. I hope this helps. We are going to sit down with the kids and go over the rules again and talk to them about expectations.

Thanks again everyone!:)

[tina z]

((((((miccut)))))) hoping that things keep improving for you! :)

[schsa]

Miccit, you sound very much like a manic person (I'm bi-polar so I can relate). Keep a diary of how you are feeling. The Paxil won't kick in for a while but you don't want to find yourself going manic when you really need to even out.

My thoughts are with you. I do hope that this all works out. You do need to have your own money to spend on whatever you want. You have a job and that's taking care of your family. It deserves a salary of its own. Keep us posted on what is going on.

[miccit]

Originally posted by schsa
Miccit, you sound very much like a manic person (I'm bi-polar so I can relate). Keep a diary of how you are feeling. The Paxil won't kick in for a while but you don't want to find yourself going manic when you really need to even out.

My thoughts are with you. I do hope that this all works out. You do need to have your own money to spend on whatever you want. You have a job and that's taking care of your family. It deserves a salary of its own. Keep us posted on what is going on.

I am going to start seeing a counselor. The doctor wants a psychiatrist to diagnose me. So, hopefully that will work.

Thank you!

[Cowgirlie_in_Tennessee]

Originally posted by Fireball
Your husband sounds like a decent guy...?
Maybe he hasn't been giving you credit and maybe you haven't been giving him credit.

It is your kids who are out of control. You've been letting them run the place. You need to re-educate that as to who is the boss. The inmates were running the asylum. Take back control of your house.

Good luck. Rest. Relax. Breath. Take it one step at a time and don't let things overwhelm you.

OMG. :eek: I hope I did not read that correctly... "Your Husband sounds like a decent guy..." This "man" does not allow her any money (at last count, she has .65 (yes cents) to her name), he doesn't let her have the car, talks to her like CHILD, and told her that it was an inconvience to come home and talk to her about the relationship but he's a "decent" guy? :eek: :rolleyes: :mad: :eek: UM NO! Didn't you read what she wrote originally?? No, he's NOT a decent guy, he's an assmonkey.

((((((miccit)))))))

[ajksmom]

{{{{{miccit}}}}}< I am glad that you are getting help for your depression. I hope that things get better for you soon.

[mesue]

((((((((miccit))))))))))

[stachowiak]

{{{{{{{{{{{miccit}}}}}}}}}}}}
E-mail me if you need to talk
stachowiak10@wmconnect.com

[morris2b]

Miccit I hope you get your situation under control......Make sure that you and hubby both stand firm on the kids with helping around the house, create chore charts for each kid, and give them a reason to want to help out such as a dollar a day if all the chores are completed....For example at our house we have chore charts for both kids, every chore that needs done is listed: Make bed,put laundry away, clean table off, set table,sweep floor, dust,take trash out, etc,etc...Whichever kid does the chore gets a check mark by that chore for the day, if they do not do any chores they dont get a dollar if they complete lets say 8 out of 10 of the chores listed they earn 80 cents... We don't give each child the same chore every day, they rotate it keeps it interesting ;) They are going to be very rebellious at first but give it some time and they will start cooperating more and not only you and your hubby will see an improvement but so won't everyone else....If you try this please let us all know how well it works for you, as my kids have been with me since Nov and it took them until end of Jan to understand rules are rules chores are chores I am the boss and if you want that game boy game you will do what is asked of you to do.

(((((((Miccit)))))))

[mauiorchid]

miccit: Sweetie I am so sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel. things were the same with my ex-husband.

I live North of you, but I thought that I could give you the names & numbers of a few places that might be able to help you out.

Centered for Battered Women (425) 252-6293
Crisis Response, Compass Help 1-888-712-7100
Domestic Violence Hotline (425) 774-6655
Hotline Referal (425) 388-7200

Shelters, Emergency Housing
Center for Battered Women (425) 252-2873
Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-562-6025
Everett Gospel Mission & Daycare Center (425) 252-4776
Pathways for Women (425) 774-9843
Women's & Children's Mission (425) 252-1206


I don't have the following number, but I know that the YWCA in Seattle has Emergency shelter apartments for families. You might want to try to call them.

I hope this might be able to help you a little.

[miccit]

Things are going better now. I sat him and the kids down and laid down the law. I told them I will leave if they don't get it together. No ifs ands or buts.

I went to the doc and got my meds. And I think I might have found a way to go to school for free!

So, I think it is going to be ok.

Thanks everyone for your concern. I appreciate all of your help.

[sheila_361]

((((miccut))) that is so great to hear! :)

[miccit]

Originally posted by sheila_361
((((miccut))) that is so great to hear! :)

Thank you! I am excited about the school. It is nice cause I live on campus, so I don't have a big commute!:) I am going to get my teaching certificate.

[sheila_361]

Your welcome! Good luck.. :)

[jasmine]

I'm glad to hear that you may be able to go to school, me and my husband are separating, he had an affair, came back home, drank, and wanted to leave again.... so now I'm here with the kids and everything. School has really boost my self esteem, cause I know when it's all done, I'll have a career and can take care of my kids, much better!!
I didn't read all the replys to your post, but wanted to add that maybe your children act like this is a result from how your husband treats you and the problems that are in your home. Mine were wild for a little while, when everything was such a mess with my soon to be ex husband. But, now that I look back, it was because it was they were insecure in there "family". When I got out of the situatio with my husband, yes it was terribly hard at first, but after time, with alot of love and reasurrance {and a good smack on the bottome sometimes when necessary}, really started improving, they feel loved and secure now, and know, that just because daddy walked out, mommy didn't..... you see last year he was gone for 8 months, came back for several months, and decided to leave again. But this time I told him, make sure, because this time when you go, don't come back, it was too much emtional stress on the kids and I. I said, go, and be gone so I can get out of this state of misery and depression.
Got myself in school...... things right now are very hard {financially} cause he left us in hole money wise.

but anyways,

thinking of you and praying that you will soon lift your head up and carry on.

[heavenheir]

SORRY for this post, somehow I missed the page where you went to the doctor, and you were finding solutions.


miccit,

IMHO nothing will ever change until you change yourself. It is not a bad thing to check yourself into a mental facility--they usually have one on a separate floor of the hospital. (BELIEVE me, I know what I'm talking about concerning this issue). It would do you a world of good to take care of yourself first, cause you can't help anyone else if you need help. You would have privacy there--no calls can come through for you unless you o.k. the caller; they will not tell ANYONE you are there unless you say it's o.k. (Say no to these things-you need time to heal yourself.) They have people there who will help you find solutions to your problems; they will LISTEN; they will actually make arrangements for you to get the things you need. If you love your kids (I know you do), the best thing you can do for them in the long run is to get strong and healthy first. All those things you said you can't afford--the staff will help you find solutions. Although you think that staying home is helping, it is not. You have to muster up all your courage and call a mental health hotline or crisis line. They will set things up for you, but YOU must take that first step and call them. PLEASE do call them. Suicide is NOT an answer--I've firsthand experience with that also. If you pray, ask God to give you the strength to make that phone call and peace of mind to believe that this is the right choice--for everyone. I'm sorry I rambled on but I can relate and I'd like to be helpful if I can. If you need to have some moral support or just have some questions you can always PM me.

[jasmine]

oh ya, my youngest daughter is really taking it hard, in a different way, not listening, talking back... it's been aweful. But I keep on reminding her that I love her, and that I am the mommy.

[unicorn9149]

miccit - just found this thread. Sorry your having problems. May I make a suggestion on the kids? Had the same problem. I finally told the kids I didn't care about their bedrooms but they were to pick-up all belongings in the other rooms or the belongs would go to "never-never-land" The first time something was left out it was confiscated for one week. The next time it disappeared forever. It really worked. But I should have been more stern on the bedroom issue. I figured I had to start somewhere.
Also you can pm me if you just want to chat or need to vent. I'll give you my email addy. Hang in there.

[miccit]

Originally posted by Fireball
The woman stated earlier that the husband was scared she would kill him and she admitted she might. RED FLAG: unstable. Unable to determine reality. Tthat was a sign of sickness and indicated that she just might be exagerrating a lot of what he did.

The only time she ever relayed a specific situation he was understanding : Wanted to help her go to college, acheive her goals, etc.
I don't know how much is true or not, but I have read enough highly contridictory info in her posts to know half of what she wrote can't be true, probably a product of a stressed, paranoid, scared mind.

I'M GLAD SHE'S GETTING HELP.

I might be depressed, but I am able to determine reality just fine. I am not paranoid thank you very much. I am stressed and at times yes I am scared.

I said he would not hit me because he thinks I would kill him if he did. I also said he might be right. IF HE HIT ME, NOT JUST FOR KICKS! I would not tolerate him hitting me and I think most women feel that way.

I am not unstable either. I have some problems, but I am not unstable. I am just a stressed out stay at home mom whose family does not appreciate me.

I came here to vent, not to be judged.

My life is not all bad, I never said it was. I have moments when things seem worse than others. But, then again a lot of people feel that way.

I think you are way out of line to be judging me and to be diagnosing me. You don't know me anymore than I know you. But, I know that I would never be rude enough to call you unstable, or delusional.

[mrs.john]

{{{miccit}}}

[miccit]

Originally posted by Ravenlost
Is wandering attention a side effect of depression?

Yes it is. And people making rash judgements in this thread don't help.

{{{{miccit}}}} If you need to talk, feel free to email me. I've been battling clinical depression since I was nine years old.

Thank you Raven.

I am feeling better now. I am taking my meds and I have been taking some alone time. Mostly just walking around the campus. DH and I are working on our problems. I don't think he completely understood where I was coming from and I didn't completely understand where he was coming from.


Freebiequeen-- I will pm you. Jaedon and I are walking over to the post office right now to send a letter to Emily. She loves to do that!:)

[AngelGrim]

Don't put up with abuse or it will never stop, try calling 1800homerun they can get you bus tickets out of there to go back to your family, that is they used to but am sure they should still, if not try asking your family for help or something call montel lol just get out of there, and take your kids or they will grow up in a unloving home without you, good luck and stay strong we all love ya

[miccit]

Originally posted by AngelGrim
Don't put up with abuse or it will never stop, try calling 1800homerun they can get you bus tickets out of there to go back to your family, that is they used to but am sure they should still, if not try asking your family for help or something call montel lol just get out of there, and take your kids or they will grow up in a unloving home without you, good luck and stay strong we all love ya

I have sat them all down and laid down the law. DH and I are going to go to marriage counseling. My kids are on a written schedule now. No more, just me telling them what to do. It is on the chart and they know that if they want any kind of life outside of school they had better do their stuff that needs to be done. So far, so good. I think they all realized that I am fed and I will not take anymore.

Thanks to everyone here who has listened to me. It helps having friends to bounce things off of.

[miccit]

Originally posted by EMELLE
good for you!!! glad someone is getting their stuff together:D i'm working on mine right now!!

Good luck! Heaven knows I need all the luck I can get.

I love your sig line!:D

[stickers]

You have the exact relationship of my parents and the only thing I can say that my mom also has to do is leave him.

My dad has a lot of money and my mom gets nothing. She is still driving the 1976 car that can't go over 30mph while he has a new truck.

She gets money for food which is about 1/2 of what things cost so she has to clip coupons and go from store to store.

He treats her like garbage and us too. Calling us stupid etc. all the time.

About 20 years into the marriage now and she is 62. She has to get out because after all these years he doesn't think anything is his fault or wrong because to him, he is right so he can't be changed.

You need to get out on your own. You need a lawyer and get child support and alimoney.

Sounds like you are taking care of him even though he has the cash in his name.

That is all i can suggest just because my mom tried even yelling at him and giving him rules of her own for him to follow to stay married and he refuses to. She doesn't even get to look at his income or the tax return and she isn't on any bank accounts.

Wishing you luck, god bless.

[LindaL.]

just curious... is everything okay now??? please update hun

[kelblend]

(((miccit))) hope things are coming together a bit better for ya!!!

[miccit]

Things are going better here. We are slowly working our problems out.

I am on Paxil now and waiting to see if it is going to work. My DH is taking more time to be at home and help out with the kids.

I have opened a bank account and am saving money of my own that way I have money if I need it.

The kids are getting better about doing their work consistently. It has taken a lot of lost privileges, but they are getting it.

The kids are going away for the weekend, so I can rest. I spent Wednesday night in the hospital with bacterial gastroenteritis, so I really need to sleep!

Thank you all for asking about me and caring enought to worry.

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

[Kelsey1224]

It does sound like things are better. I hope you will forgive us for some of our reactions to your situation. It is just that it sounded so desperate in your first post. I'm glad things are leveling out.

Make sure that no one backslides to old behavior and take care of yourself.

[miccit]

Originally posted by Kelsey1224
It does sound like things are better. I hope you will forgive us for some of our reactions to your situation. It is just that it sounded so desperate in your first post. I'm glad things are leveling out.

Make sure that no one backslides to old behavior and take care of yourself.

There was only one person in the original post that bothered me. Most people were firm in their advice, but caring (just like a mom!). That didn't bother me at all. Sometimes you have to be firm to get through to someone. And you all helped me work it out!!

I have been a lot more consistent in following through with things with the kids. As a matter of fact this weekend while they are gone my son's room is getting stripped for not reading. We have been after him all year about reading (he is supposed to read 30 minutes a day). He messes around (even when we are sitting over him he will pretend he is reading). He was told he had until May 16 to get his level up (they choose a goal at the beginning of the year and they are supposed to try to make it to that goal-- he is at 40% not even close!), we told him if he didn't get it together he would lose all of his stuff. He didn't believe us, and now he is learning the hard way.

Thanks again to everyone!!!

[miccit]

Originally posted by Charm174
OMG - I am in tears. :(

I know it made me cry too. We are working on things and they are getting better. My kids are learning that they also have to help out. They are really bad about saying oh we are sorry we will never do it again and then they turn around and do the same thing again. I realize they are kids and that this is normal, but they will play on your sympathies to get away with things. My son and nine year old are especially bad about this. They will come crying to me when their dad tells them to do something hoping I will tell them oh don't worry about it. Then, they do the same thing to DH when I tell them to do something. So, it has been a real learning experienc for everyone in my household. My DH has learned I will not take his crap and my kids have learned that mom isn't going to be a push over. I have learned that my DH is just as stressed as I am (I don't think either one of us knew just how stressed the other one was). I have also learned a lot about my kids that needs to be changed for their sake as well as my own.

Thanks Charm. I hope you are feeling better. I didn't realize you still weren't feeling well. I feel bad complaining when I know there are people here that have it so much worse than I do. (((((Charm)))))):)

[miccit]

Will do Freebiequeen!

[Kelsey1224]

You know...kids learn very quickly how to play one parent against the other. And when parents aren't communicating well...it works! I'm glad you are both communicating better. A united front is the best thing to keep kids in line.

[miccit]

Originally posted by Kelsey1224
You know...kids learn very quickly how to play one parent against the other. And when parents aren't communicating well...it works! I'm glad you are both communicating better. A united front is the best thing to keep kids in line.

Yes, they do seem to learn the things you don't want them to faster than the things you do want them to.

Thanks for all of your advice and concern. It really means a lot to me know that people care so much.

[marla_j98]

Friend,

You HAVE to get away from him. A shelter WITH your kids sounds like a good idea or your family if they will support you in all ways and you HAVE to get a restraining order. A shelter would be best because he couldn't find you. He will try to use your kids to get you. Let me tell you something.....do you know how to tell when your husband is lieing?-------when he opens his mouth! There may be a custody battle if you let him have your kids now. And know this---if your children see you take the drastic necessary steps to get away from him....that will be the best thing that ever happened to them. It will be a very good role model and will give them hope, teach them self protection, teach them to be strong, and will build their self esteem. Get help NOW...it may save you and your children's life!!!! God Bless. I'm praying for you. 'In your weakness, He will be made strong', nothing is impossible with God. Marla

[tsquared]

it is time for you to see about a womans shelter to get someone there you can talk to and that will listen to you...also time to stand up to him and let him know where you stand....some men think they are top dog and will act that way until they meet thier match......so you mam need to be his match.....treat him like he does you...but do it out of the kids earshot and sight so they dont get the wrong idea about you...dont let yourself get trampled on and think you are not as worthy as he is.....AND KNOW THIS.....TOO MANY THINGS IN LIFE ARE PRECIOUS NOT TO GO ON AND KNOW WE ALL CARE!!
Tom

[miccit]

Originally posted by tsquared
it is time for you to see about a womans shelter to get someone there you can talk to and that will listen to you...also time to stand up to him and let him know where you stand....some men think they are top dog and will act that way until they meet thier match......so you mam need to be his match.....treat him like he does you...but do it out of the kids earshot and sight so they dont get the wrong idea about you...dont let yourself get trampled on and think you are not as worthy as he is.....AND KNOW THIS.....TOO MANY THINGS IN LIFE ARE PRECIOUS NOT TO GO ON AND KNOW WE ALL CARE!!
Tom

Things are going much better here. I posted before that we are seeking counseling and have been talking a lot more. We both have some issues we need to work on and have been doing that.

I have gone back on my meds, so I am a lot less stressed than I was.

Thank you for your concern. It means a lot to me know that everyone cares.

I am not saying everything is all better, but it is a lot better than it was. Does that make sense?? It is still early here.

[Iceman506]

Well this type of thing is never easy, my wife just got diagnosed with Bi-polar illness which has signs of panic attacks etc.. I know this part doesnt help you.. but the following will you can go to a health and human services office and apply for medicad for you and the kids, with 4 kids should be no problem. Then go see a doctor and get on medication for the depression.
Once your treated work on some of the other issues with the kids and your husband. If all those issues are there after your being treated maybe look in to getting therpy for the whole family. If your husband is truly an ass and there is nothing to salvage. Go see a lawyer first keep everything on the down low. Dont walk out dont make threats cover your ass first.. When everything is covered then lay it on the table.. find out your rights in the state.. Some states it doesnt matter if he cheats some do. Find out what your intitled to if you leave (interum support, child support, alimony etc..)

The womans shelters are good, but sometimes you get someone who doesnt want to help make it work. Try every option till you have none left. If your not in physical harm then there is no reason not to. I suggest trying to start an accout with out his knowledge put what money you can scrape in this account that way if you do have to leave you will have some cash.

Also if you dont mind your life on national tv there is always the Cheaters Tv program they will catch him if he is doing something.

Just some ramblings from me

[miccit]

I am on medication now. I feel better than I did.

We are working things out and things are going pretty good. They still get on my nerves sometimes, but I know I get on their nerves too. That is just the way things go. I think things are going to be ok. We are working together and that helps a lot.

Thanks for everyones concern. I really appreciate it. It helps to vent.