Anyone in need of a friend??

[schsa]

I have read many posts here from people who are in need of a friend. And having thought about this in depth, I have decided to offer my services as the ULTIMATE FRIEND!

For a small weekly salary, plus room and board, I will be at your home day and night to listen to your every vent and whine. I will take your side on every argument with any friend, family member or spouse and children. I will stand by you through thick and thin. I will be sorry for you when you are sick and I will be happy for you when you win the lottery. I will go shopping with you and help you spend your money. When you are confused I will make those decisions for you so you don't have to and then you can blame me when things go wrong. And if they go right, I will give you full credit for everything.

I promise not to leave when the going gets tough (as long as my salary and room and board are still in effect) and when the time comes that I do have to move on to another needy friend, I will supply you with my phone, fax, e-mail and street address so you can always get in touch with me.

Please send financial history and pictures of room and kitchen.

[Ghetto_Gurl]

roflmao!!!

[MommyG3]

Schsa, love ya, but I will stick with having you on the board. You do more good that way. :D

[mlathroum]

. I will take your side on every argument with any friend, family member or spouse and children

Boy!!! You mean my mother, father, idiot sister, druggy brother, insane MIL, my 8 year old and my almost 5 year old. Hubby and I normally don't fight but that is a plus to for when it happens. You might want earplugs for when I am PMSing though. HEHE

[MusicfanAnnie]

too funny!!!

[Kyla Kym]

Are you the adult version of Mary Poppins? :p :D
Ms. Schsa Poppins!!!! *giggles* :p :D ;)

[BeesKnees]

I think you are out of your mind!!!!

I am a good firend, but even I have my limits.Sainthood is not for me :D
It might be a good role for you though; nothing seems to ruffle your feathers.

I will be your friend schsa, when you become certifable from it all - the venting, whining , screaming, mumbling, sniveling, cat fighting, eyeball gouging, etc. :D

[schsa]

FBH, I think that I will pass on that one. I was never much for bunkbeds and I don't think that I can do leftovers. I do have to have a private room and bath and sitting room if possible (I have to have a place to let you sit and drink tea in the afternoon while we talk about how rotten everyone treats you and how you don't deserve the life you have, and how you should have married so and so). Nothing personal but I've been single for a very long time and I am used to a certain life style that I feel obligated to maintain.

Salary is not negotiable. After all I am going to be at your beck and call. And I am not there to comfort your children, only you because you really are the most important person to me. You, your needs, your thoughts, your wants are first and foremost of importance to me. And achieving your goals is what it's all about, whether it means seeing you through a messy divorce or helping you buy a new car. I will be there for you.

[renrut*]

do u take food stamps?

[Kyla Kym]

Originally posted by renrut
do u take food stamps?
:D :p :D :p

[schsa]

Food Stamps? If you are offering food stamps then you are probably undervaluing my services. Not that I am offended by the offer but woman cannot live by food stamps alone.

I will give you my undivided attention. I will tell you that you look great when in fact you have never looked worse. I will let you try on clothes two sizes too small and tell you that they never size anything right and I will find you something to fit but I am sure that the tag is completely mismarked. I am willing to risk hell for all of the lies I will tell you to make you feel wonderful about yourself. I will lift your sense of self esteem out of the gutter and make you queen of all you survey.

After all, I am here for you alone, day and night, night and day. I will even call your mother in law and tell her what an idiot she is for not worshiping you as a daughter in law and how you have made her son the happiest man in the world. And that she should butt out of your life or shut up and put up. I will say the same thing to any relative or ex that tries to put you down or tell lies about you.

I am willing to do all of that, just for you.

[renrut*]

ok i was only joking. sorry u took it that way

[scifiwoman]

wow.. worth every penny.. :D

[schsa]

Renrut, the ULTIMATE FRIEND is never offended and in fact I am quite flattered that one would be willing to forgo feeding their family for a chance at the ULTIMATE FRIEND. However I would never take the food out of your children's mouths and then think that it was an acceptable exchange for being the ULTIMATE FRIEND. But I will still be there if you need me. Maybe another exchange could be worked out so that I could be your ULTIMATE FRIEND. Like use of the car, you walk the dogs, endless hours in the shower. Something like that.

[schsa]

Consider this like having a live in therapist. After all a good therapist makes about $80 an hour and I will be there 24/7. And other people have paid companions. But I will be so much more than just a companion. I will take you to the hospital. I will be there to hold your hand during a mammogram and I will stand by you as you complain about how they squished whatever you have into a pancake. Would anyone else do that??

This is why I am the Ultimate Friend. I go beyond just normal friendship because I live with you, eat with you, and am involved with your day to day living. Not just someone you chat with on the phone.

Come on, someone take me in! I'm tired of this 9-6 job!!

[DreamWarrior]

Hmmmmm..... tempting offer.... but I think you are safer where you are... you do NOT want to come into this warzone... LOL

[tina z]

(((((((Schsa))))))) I would love to have you here! :) Alas it would be so selfish of me to keep you for myself. :(
Unless you'd be willing to help me muck out the cow, goat and horse stalls. I think more clearly while doing manual labor. :)

[schsa]

Muck out the cow? Stalls? This sounds like real work? The nearest I have even been to a farm is driving by them on my way to another city. I'm not sure I would make much of a stall mucker. Does this involve possible perspiration? Do I get a week of training somewhere like Hawaii? Hmmm. I suppose I might consider it. Do I get my own cow? I've never been near a cow before. Are they nice? Do they bite?

[tina z]

Originally posted by schsa
Muck out the cow? Stalls? This sounds like real work? The nearest I have even been to a farm is driving by them on my way to another city. I'm not sure I would make much of a stall mucker. Does this involve possible perspiration? Do I get a week of training somewhere like Hawaii? Hmmm. I suppose I might consider it. Do I get my own cow? I've never been near a cow before. Are they nice? Do they bite?

No (((((((schsa)))))))) he doesn't bite. He does give wet slobbery kisses. Lots of kisses. :rolleyes:

The mucking of stalls is a great workout and stress reducer. The aroma is quite strong. :eek:

The steer will follow you around while you are cleaning out his stall and step on the pitchfork, so you have more time just for petting him. :rolleyes: