Kelsey1224
03-17-2003, 02:16 PM
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet_ssyndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below_ will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the_vet.
Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son_came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two_hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there_looking sick," he told me. I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called,_ "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a_ minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged._ "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do,_ post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while_ gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son_agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By_now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I_ shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to_be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to_witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter_ of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do_ think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the_patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would_appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be_ making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered,_horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay,_ okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next_appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."_ (You see a pattern here with the females in my_house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe,_ Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and_peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a_c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very_ interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you_ privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step_outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh,_ perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor._ Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr._Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved_that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious,_cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that_the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless_ manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's_ just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny_ little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He_ was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's_really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
"Oh, you_ have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the_vet.
Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son_came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two_hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there_looking sick," he told me. I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called,_ "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a_ minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged._ "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do,_ post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while_ gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son_agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By_now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I_ shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to_be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to_witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter_ of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do_ think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the_patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would_appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be_ making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered,_horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay,_ okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next_appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."_ (You see a pattern here with the females in my_house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe,_ Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and_peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a_c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very_ interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you_ privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step_outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh,_ perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor._ Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr._Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved_that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious,_cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that_the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless_ manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's_ just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny_ little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He_ was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's_really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
"Oh, you_ have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.