captorquewrench
01-15-2003, 03:05 PM
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)--When you sing Christmas carols, it is called "caroling." When you sing in a club, it is called "karaoke." But when you are standing on your porch, naked, belting out your version of "I Will Survive" it is called "drunk and disorderly." Tonight: You are a Fruit Loop shy of a bowl.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)--The voices! The doctor said they wouldn't come back, but they're here! What? They tell you to call in sick at work? They want you to sleep late, then get up and eat chocolate candy while watching TV? Hmmmm…. Tonight: You think you like these guys.
GEMINI
(April 20-May 20)--The voices! The doctor said they wouldn't come back, but they're here! What? They tell you to call in sick at work? They want you to sleep late, then get up and eat chocolate candy while watching TV? Hmmmm…. Tonight: You think you like these guys.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)--You have been in a bad mood for most of recorded history. You need an "optopooparectomy." This operation will sever the connection between your butt and your brain, alleviating your crappy outlook on life. Tonight: It's a brand new day.
LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22)--Work, work, work. You are a dynamo! Your energy level is sky high, and you have this strange but wonderful feeling of well being. You can't be stopped! PISCES just warmed up your coffee, and CAPRICORN's too. How sweet! But look at TAURUS. Go cheer the grump up. Tonight: Go table dancing!
VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)--You are feeling lonely. Here's what you do. Get in your car and put on your left turn signal. Do not turn it off. Then, drive all around town. You will be amazed at all the attention you will get. And yes, shouting and screaming DOES count as attention. Tonight: Bask in the glow.
LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct 22)--You are feeling down and depressed. Here's a way to cheer up. Remember that people are a lot like Slinkies. They are not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down a flight of stairs. Tonight: Smile and the world smiles with you.
SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)--You're getting a little anal retentive on us, Bug Face. You fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the laundry hamper. You straighten out the fringe on your area rugs, then you go over to your friend's house and straighten the fringe on THEIR area rugs. Tonight: You need a hobby.
SAGITARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)--You have a problem, Arrow Tosser. You spend money like there is no tomorrow. I'm not saying you are out of control, but the last time you swiped your credit card, the darn thing melted. Tonight: Join Shoppers Anonymous.
CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)--You are sitting at your desk when you see Bruce Willis and Pee Wee Herman dancing in the hallway. Martha Stewart is exchanging cookie recipes with Mike Tyson, and some evil dwarf who looks like PISCES keeps filling your coffee cup. What the heck is going on? You'd ask TAURUS but the Bull is too busy pushing LEO headfirst into the refrigerator. Tonight: Seek counseling.
AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)--Some might say your passion for cheese is getting out of control. But not you! Cheese cheers you up. Cheese fills up your tummy. And when you're not hungry, you can take big blocks of cheese and carve animal shapes. Tonight: You need help.
PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)--Let's have some fun. Switch the coffee. Put unleaded in the regular pot and rocket fuel in the decaf pot. Then, sit back and watch. TAURUS is addicted to caffeine, LEO never touches the stuff, and CAPRICORN already has a screw loose. This should make for a very interesting morning. Tonight: The phrase to remember is "plausible deniability."
Note: HORRIBLESCOPES have no basis in fact, scientific or otherwise. They are written on old Royal typewriters by 37 monkeys who have been locked up in a room for almost six weeks with nothing to live on except corn chips, sardines, peanut butter, and prunes. Read HORRIBLESCOPES at your own risk.
(March 21-April 19)--When you sing Christmas carols, it is called "caroling." When you sing in a club, it is called "karaoke." But when you are standing on your porch, naked, belting out your version of "I Will Survive" it is called "drunk and disorderly." Tonight: You are a Fruit Loop shy of a bowl.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)--The voices! The doctor said they wouldn't come back, but they're here! What? They tell you to call in sick at work? They want you to sleep late, then get up and eat chocolate candy while watching TV? Hmmmm…. Tonight: You think you like these guys.
GEMINI
(April 20-May 20)--The voices! The doctor said they wouldn't come back, but they're here! What? They tell you to call in sick at work? They want you to sleep late, then get up and eat chocolate candy while watching TV? Hmmmm…. Tonight: You think you like these guys.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)--You have been in a bad mood for most of recorded history. You need an "optopooparectomy." This operation will sever the connection between your butt and your brain, alleviating your crappy outlook on life. Tonight: It's a brand new day.
LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22)--Work, work, work. You are a dynamo! Your energy level is sky high, and you have this strange but wonderful feeling of well being. You can't be stopped! PISCES just warmed up your coffee, and CAPRICORN's too. How sweet! But look at TAURUS. Go cheer the grump up. Tonight: Go table dancing!
VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)--You are feeling lonely. Here's what you do. Get in your car and put on your left turn signal. Do not turn it off. Then, drive all around town. You will be amazed at all the attention you will get. And yes, shouting and screaming DOES count as attention. Tonight: Bask in the glow.
LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct 22)--You are feeling down and depressed. Here's a way to cheer up. Remember that people are a lot like Slinkies. They are not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down a flight of stairs. Tonight: Smile and the world smiles with you.
SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)--You're getting a little anal retentive on us, Bug Face. You fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the laundry hamper. You straighten out the fringe on your area rugs, then you go over to your friend's house and straighten the fringe on THEIR area rugs. Tonight: You need a hobby.
SAGITARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)--You have a problem, Arrow Tosser. You spend money like there is no tomorrow. I'm not saying you are out of control, but the last time you swiped your credit card, the darn thing melted. Tonight: Join Shoppers Anonymous.
CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)--You are sitting at your desk when you see Bruce Willis and Pee Wee Herman dancing in the hallway. Martha Stewart is exchanging cookie recipes with Mike Tyson, and some evil dwarf who looks like PISCES keeps filling your coffee cup. What the heck is going on? You'd ask TAURUS but the Bull is too busy pushing LEO headfirst into the refrigerator. Tonight: Seek counseling.
AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)--Some might say your passion for cheese is getting out of control. But not you! Cheese cheers you up. Cheese fills up your tummy. And when you're not hungry, you can take big blocks of cheese and carve animal shapes. Tonight: You need help.
PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)--Let's have some fun. Switch the coffee. Put unleaded in the regular pot and rocket fuel in the decaf pot. Then, sit back and watch. TAURUS is addicted to caffeine, LEO never touches the stuff, and CAPRICORN already has a screw loose. This should make for a very interesting morning. Tonight: The phrase to remember is "plausible deniability."
Note: HORRIBLESCOPES have no basis in fact, scientific or otherwise. They are written on old Royal typewriters by 37 monkeys who have been locked up in a room for almost six weeks with nothing to live on except corn chips, sardines, peanut butter, and prunes. Read HORRIBLESCOPES at your own risk.