Jcowgirl77
12-10-2002, 09:21 PM
From: Santa Claus:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, north
and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas
on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the
earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local
209. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks
for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in
good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that
reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the
fireplace.. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though,
so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him
a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.
4.You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt, on Andretti,
on Elliott and Petty."
5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
her'd dat!"
6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the
words "Back Off."
7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put
presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, north
and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas
on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the
earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local
209. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks
for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in
good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that
reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the
fireplace.. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though,
so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him
a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.
4.You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt, on Andretti,
on Elliott and Petty."
5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
her'd dat!"
6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the
words "Back Off."
7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put
presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus