"TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS" Collection ...

[Jolie Rouge]

Twas The Night Before Christmas (Texas Style)

'Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.
And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,

The driver was "Geein" and "Hawin", with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.
"Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."
The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
"To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all"


__________________


Programmer's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
with hopes that a miracle would soon be there.

The users were nestled all sung in their beds,
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
and he cursed and muttered and called them by name:
On update! on add! on inquiry! on delete!
on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete!

His eyes were glazed-over, fingers nimble and lean,
from weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,
the systems came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
the inquiries inquired, and closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
with nary an abend, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The users' last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"


__________________


A Politically Correct Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gin that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gin, it's price beyond worth...

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth

[Jolie Rouge]

AN ARKANSAS CHRISTMAS

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
AND ALL THROUGH THE SHACK,
NOT A DARN THING WAS A MOVIN',
FROM THE FRONT TO THE BACK.

THE KIDS WERE IN BED,
WE HAD NINE AT THE TIME,
THE WIFE IN HER CURLERS,
WAS LOOKIN' REAL FINE.

A COLD WIND WAS BLOWIN',
UP THE HOLLER IT MOANED,
TEN DOGS ON THE PORCH
ALL HOWLED AND GROANED.

THE BOYS WERE ALL DREAMIN'
OF WEAPONS AND GUNS,
FOR KILLIN' GOD'S CREATURES,
THERE'S NO BETTER FUN!

THE GIRLS IN THEIR FEMININE DREAMS
WERE ATTUNED,
TO GETTING THOSE GALLONS
OF WAL-MART PERFUME.

THE WIFE WANTED JEWELRY,
LIKE RINGS WITH BIG ROCKS.
I JUST WANTED MY CHEVY
DOWN OFF OF THEM BLOCKS.

THEN OUT IN YARD,
SUCH A NOISE DID COMMENCE,
LIKE SOMETHING WAS CAUGHT IN
OUR NEW BOB-WAR FENCE.

I RAN TO THE WINDOW,
AND SAW PRETTY QUICK,
THE MAN MAKIN' THAT RACKET,
WAS GOOD OL' ST. NICK.

YOU MAY THINK OF SANTA IN
YOU OWN MIND'S EYE,
DRESSED IN A RED AND WHITE SUIT,
BUT I'VE GOT A SURPRISE.

THAT OLD BOY'S AN ARKIE,
FROM UP NEAR MT. GAYLOR,
HE MARRIED HIS COUSIN,
AND THEY LIVE IN A TRAILER.

ON CHRISTMAS, OF COURSE,
A SLEIGH FOR HIS RIG,
HE HOOKS THE THING UP
TO A RAZORBACK PIG!

HE CLIMBED ON THE ROOF,
WITH HIS BAG FULL OF GOODIES,
HE BACKED DOWN THE FIREPLACE,
ALL DIRTY AND SOOTY.

FAT LEGS IN HIS BRITCHES,
CHUBBY HANDS IN HIS MITTENS, I
MUST ADMIT FROM THE BACK,
HE LOOKED LOTS LIKE BILL CLINTON.

HE TURNED TOWARD THE TREE,
HIS EYES ALL AGLOW,
HE WAS AN ARKANSAS BOY
FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS TOE.

HIS NECK WAS A RED ONE,
HIS SHIRT SAID "LITE BEER",
HE HAD NO RED HAT ON,
BUT HIS CAP READ "JOHN DEERE".

HE LEFT ALL THE PRESENTS,
WITH AN AIR OF DELIGHT,
THEN IT WAS BACK TO THE CHIMNEY,
AND INTO THE NIGHT.

HE RAN INTO THE YARD,
THREW HIS BAG IN THE SLEIGH,
THEN HE YELLED AT THE DOGS,
"GET THE HELL OUT TH' WAY!"

I RAN OUT TO ASK HIM
WHY HE BROUGHT SUCH GOOD CHEER;
BUT INSTEAD HE JUST ASKED ME,
"YOU GET YOU A DEER?"

THEN I HEARD HIM EXCLAIM,
AS THOSE PIGS TOOK FLIGHT,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL...I NEED A BUD LITE!"




Twas the Night Before Christmas (OBGYN STYLE)

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND UP ON OB
A NURSE YELLED "THICK MEC, I NEED A DELEE"

IV'S WITH PITOCIN
WERE ALL HUNG WITH CARE
IN HOPES THEY'LL DELIVER
AND STOP PULLING THEIR HAIR

THE WOMEN WERE SCREAMING
IN THEIR BIRTHING BEDS
WHILE VISIONS OF EPIDURALS
DANCED IN THEIR HEADS

THE STAFFING IS SHORT
WITH NO ONE ON CALL
EVERY WARMER IS DIRTY
AND SITS IN THE HALL

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT
THERE'S AN END TO THIS HELL
THE PATIENT IN TRIAGE
HAS A MAJOR DECEL

SO WE RUSH WITH A GURNEY
AND RACE TO THE BACK
THE O.R. IS DIRTY
NOT ONE SECTION PACK

I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND I STARTED TO CRY
WHEN I HEARD THE BELLS JINGLE
AND LOOKED TOWARD THE SKY

THERE WAS ST. NICK
ON HIS SLEIGH IN THE REAR
HE HAD SIX SMILING NURSES
THE NIGHT SHIFT IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!


__________________


The Night Before Chanukah

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!



Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!


I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.



When he got to the door and saw the menorah
"Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."



With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"



He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
"Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
he called out cheerily into the wind.



More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
"Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
"A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"



~~Anon

[Jolie Rouge]

A NASCAR CHRISTMAS.....

Twas the Race before Christmas and all through the track
Each driver was ready to make his attack.
The tires had been stacked by the pit crew with care

With hopes none of them would run out of air.
The drivers were belted all snug in their seats

Where visions of checkered flags looked mighty sweet.

When out of the infield there rose such a clatter
The crowd sprang to their feet to see what was the matter.
What sight met their wondering eyes as they rose
Twas Rusty Wallace punching somebody's nose.

With eyes like the eagles the spotters they came
And they turned on their headsets and called them by name
"On Spencer! On Petty! On Rudd and Jarrett! "On Cope! On Speed! On Ward and Jeff Burton! At the top of the curve ran 'em into the wall!

Now gentlemen, start your engines all!"

More rapid than lightning the Iceman they flew
With a sack full of cash and the Winston Cup too.
And then in a twinkling there came to the front
The bright rainbow colors of Gordon's DuPont.

Then Bobby Labonte flew by in a flash
While Martin had a breakdown and Spencer a crash.
Then all at once with a rush and a roar

There came a new car they had not seen before.

From bumper to bumper it was painted all red
North Pole Toy Co.was the sponsor they read.
With a little old driver so lively and quick
They all said at once, "Hey, this must be a trick!"

"A geezer like that shouldn't be driving here!"
"And why does his pit crew all have pointed ears?"
The next scheduled pit stop went kinda slow
For the old fellow stopped at each pit in the row.

He spent no time at all, but left gas and oil
A new set of tires, new tools for their toil.
He asked no endorsement, demanded no fee
And left only coal for the black #3.

Childress got on the com and said "Hey Intimidator ...
Want to chew him up now, or save him for later?"
Dale spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
He gave him a nudge, then broadsided the jerk.

But the old guy escaped with a zig and a zag
And crossed over the finish line, right at the flag.
The old man drove straight up to victory lane
Grabbed up the trophy and drank some champagne.

Thanked all his sponsors and took the cash too
Stole a kiss from Brooke Gordon, and then off he flew
As he sped out of sight, one last cry did they hear.
"Merry Christmas to all, better luck next year!"


__________________


A Lovecraft Christmas
by Paul M. Lemieux, copyright 1989. ``With apologies to Clement Moore.''

Twas the night before Yuletide and all through the hole
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Dhole
Aldebaren hung at the right place at nine
In the hopes that Great Cthulhu would come out this time

The Fungi from Yuggoth, all snug in their caves
Were plotting to turn all the people to slaves
The Deep Ones in Rlyeh, the Ghouls in their graves
Were dancing and singing and acting depraved

When what do my wondering eyes should appear
But a mouldering sleigh and eight corpselike reindeer
With a horrible driver so leprous and reeking
I knew right away that my fear was unspeaking

The reindeer were gross, as they flew up from hell
And It hoarsely whispered and chanted a spell
Ia Shub Niggurath! Cthulhu ftagn!
Nyarlathotep! I summon you on!

As decomposed flesh before the charnel stench rise
And meet with the open air polluting the skies
Up to the housetop the horror it rose
And the gangrenous odors assailed my nose

And then in a slopping noise heard on the roof
The lumbering clomping of octopoid hoofs
As I drew in my head and was turning around
The horror lurched into my room with a bound

Its eyes how they pulsate
So bulbous and gory
This blasphemous creature
So noxious and hoary

I was frozen by fear, my feet woudn't run
I threw up my cookies, this wasn't much fun
It whispered my name and said ``You come with I''
I tried to refuse and it said ``Then you die.''

It came at my throat with its grim claws extended
But a miracle saved its victim intended
I had three Elder Signs in a slot in the floor
It screamed with a fiendish sound and went out the door

It sprang to its sleigh, and its team gave a surge
And away they all flew to the sound of a dirge
I heard it exclaim as it flew out of sight
``You're lucky this time, for the stars weren't right.''


__________________


A Goth Christmas ...
With somber and tormented apologies to Clement C. Moore


'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through our house
was blasting the "St. Vitus Dance" by Bauhaus;

Torn fishnets were draped on my forearms with care,
And two cans of Aquanet applied to my hair;

My thoughts were of graveyards, and horror and dread,
Black visions of pain and despair in my head;

And Bianca, whose face was as pale as the moon,
Had thrown up her arm for this evening's swoon,

When out by the gravestones there came such a clatter,
I sprang from the coffin to find out the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a ghost,
Expecting to find a dark devilish host.

The moon on the breast of the uncaring snow
Threw ominous shadows on objects below,

When, before my tormented eyes did traverse,
But a gorgeous black Crane & Breed carved-panel hearse,

With a gaunt, shrouded driver, who filled me with fear,
And eight skeletal creatures that might have been deer.

More rapid than vultures his coursers they came,
And his deep Andrew Eldritch voice called them by name;

Now, Murphy! Now, Morgoth! Now, Torment and Woe!
On, Dreadful! On, Lovecraft! Mephisto and Poe!

To the top of the gravestones where fog wisps its breath!
With a weight on my soul I consign you to death!

As dead leaves that before hellish hurricanes fly,
When they flutter like giant bats' wings to the sky,

So up to the crypt-top the coursers they leapt,
While dearest Bianca, like death, still but slept.

And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof
The clicking and scratching of each bone-white hoof.

As I drew in my arm, and was whirling around,
Down the ebony chimney he came without sound.

He was clad all in black, and he looked oh-so-goth,
A billowy ensemble of crushed velvet cloth;

His boots were knee-high, quite buckled and zipped,
And the Spandex and fishnets 'round his legs were ripped.

His eyes glowed with bluish fire, deathly and cold,
A black eye-liner'd face neither youthful nor old.

A broad lipless mouth drawn with torment and hurt,
And his sorrowful face was as white as my shirt.

A smoldering cigarette tight in his grasp,
Its smoke curling eerily 'round his cloak clasp;

His gaunt frame was topped with long ebon hair,
And a sharp scent of brimstone and cloves choked the air.

His arms were outspread in the shape of a cross,
And I quailed when I saw him, feeling sorrow and loss;

He narrowed his eyes with a twist of his head,
And I felt the full weight of his angst and dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his task,
Left some Dead Can Dance CD's; before I could ask,

A single tear fell across his aquiline nose,
And then, like an angel, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his hearse, to his team he then hissed,
And away they all drifted like early dawn's mist.

But I heard him intone, ere he vanished from sight,
"Gothic Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!"

[Jolie Rouge]

A Very Trekkie Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas on the Enterprise-D,
On a routine short hop to Starbase 03,

With Data on duty in the command chair,
At Warp 6, the Enterprise soon would be there.

Just for something to do while the other crew slept,
He scanned where historical records were kept --

And with a blink of his eye and a cock of his head,
"Intriguing! Tomorrow is Christmas!" he said.

But no one was stirring, and he sought to find why,
And so he buzzed Geordi, who awoke with a sigh:

"Christmas? It's only an old holiday --
Now just let me get back to sleep, okay?"

"But is to wish Merry Christmas not human to do?"
And so Data wished it -- to the whole ship and crew.

Everyone on the Enterprise awoke from this clatter --
Picard rushed to the bridge to see what was the matter.

"What is the meaning of this noise, Mister Data?"
"Sir, is it not Christmas--?" "We'll discuss it much later!"

Just then Worf said, "Captain -- a Klingon Prey Bird!
Its hull has been damaged -- it's uncloaking, sir."

"On screen," said Picard, as the Klingon ship hailed:
"Federation vessel, our Life Support systems have failed!

A strange ship attacked us, inflicting the worst,
(though naturally, of course, we'd fired on it first)."

The Klingons beamed over, and the senior staff met,
To try and determine the source of the threat.

Said Picard, "Mister Data, an assignment for you:
Give all of these Klingons something to do!

They think it's the Romulans we should look for,
Get them all off the bridge, before there's a war!"

So Data departed, while the rest of the crew
Wondered: Romulans? Ferengi? If not them, then who?

Said Worf, "Sir -- disturbance on Holodeck Three!"
The entire bridge crew ran down there to see.

Roared Picard, "Mister Data, what the devil is this!!"
"Sir, I have taught the Klingons how to celebrate Christmas."

And so there they were -- on holodecks 3, 4 and 5
With synthohol, singing and Rokeg Blood Pie!

Soon the Big E was rocking with holiday cheer
Friend,foe, and family came from both far and near.

The Romulans showed up with some Romulan Ale,
The Ferengi brought goodies for free -- not for sale!

But a strange ship was coming, the captain was told,
With one crew member only, and a huge cargo hold.

Said the Klingons, "It's the strange ship that fought us-- attack!"
Said Picard, "On Christmas? -- Mister Worf, just hold back."

And then as the ship came into view,
Onscreen came its captain -- none other than Q!

He wore a white beard and a suit of deep red...
"Joyeux Noel, mon captain," was what Santa Q said.

"Tell those Klingons next time to not go so berserk.
You need good defense systems in this line of work.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be warping away...
Did you think anyone else could do this job in one day?"

"I'm sensing emotion," said Counselor Troi,
"Peace in the galaxy, Good Will and Joy."

And they stood on the bridge and watched Q take flight,
shouting,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!"


-------------------------


The Night Before Christmas (TNG)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one iso-chip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face...

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!".

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;

"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!

As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!".
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.

"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!",
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!",
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled form sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!!"



[b]The Night Before Christmas (TOS)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the decks
Not a crewman was stirring, 'cept those having sex;
Their boots were all placed by the vent shafts with care,
In hopes that by morning they'd get some fresh air.

The Redshirts were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of stay'ng alive danced in their heads;
And Kirk in his gold shirt, McCoy in his blue,
Had just settled down for a nice Christmas brew--

When from the comm panel there came such a wail,
They sprang from their chairs, knocking over their ale.
Away to the panel Kirk flew, drenched in beer,
Snapped on the comm switch and barked loudly, "Kirk here!"

The squeals that emerged from the thing after that
Sounded just like the Devil was strangling a cat;
When, what to their bombarded ears should appear,
But the music of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,"

With a voice in the background, a murmur of talk,
That made Kirk exclaim, "Bones... That sounds just like Spock."
More rapid than bullets his syllables came
As he tested each circuit and called it by name--

"Cross Alpha to Beta, join Delta to Theta,
Route Kappa through Lamba, and Gamma to Zeta.
To the end of the circuit, the end of the line,
Now clip a resistor--there. That should do fine."

As Kirk and McCoy listened closely to this,
The comm unit speaker let out a long hiss.
So, off to the turbolift both of them flew,
With a mind to discover what Spock was up to.

And then, in a twinkling, they reached the bridge deck,
Stepped out of the lift and began a quick check.
As they went down the steps and were looking around,
From a nook Spock emerged, barely making a sound.

He was all dressed in gray from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with solder and soot.
A bag of components he had in one fist,
And held in the other, a rather long list.

His eyes didn't twinkle, his dimples were none,
Yet somehow it looked like he'd been having fun.
His mouth, at one corner, quirked up just a touch,
And one eyebrow lifted, though not by too much.

A soldering iron he held in his teeth,
And the smoke from it circled his head like a wreath.
He looked like a man with a task to complete
And nothing would stop him, not rain, snow, nor sleet.

His two colleagues stood there, dumbfounded by this.
McCoy chuckled softly; Kirk let out hiss.
The look in Spock's eye and the set of his head
Soon gave them to know he would not go to bed.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And tuned all the sensors then turned back to Kirk,
And pressing a button and counting to three,
He lit up the bridge like a huge Christmas Tree.

His work done, he nodded, and walked toward the lift
As his friends stared in awe at his luminous gift.
But they heard him exclaim, his voice with good-will rife,
"Merry Christmas! And to you all, Peace and Long Life!"

[Jolie Rouge]

The Stardate Before Christmas

Twas a stardate before Christmas and all through the ship
nothing was moving not even Miles' pips
The phasers were hung in the arsenal that night
in hopes that poor Worf would win just one fight

The crewmen were all asleep in their beds
While Data calculated PI in his head
And I, in my ready room, with my eyes all bloodshot
had just settled down to some tea, Earl Grey, hot

When out on the main sensors arose such a clatter
you'd have thought that Geordi mixed matter/antimatter
Then what to my wandering eyes should appear
But a man dressed in gold with Spock and his ears

He gestured, his mouth opened, but I heard not a word
then slowly, distinctly, his voice could be heard
"Christmas...future...you sure Spock?", he said almost appalled
"My...God...Spock....Look!.....I've gone bald!"

"Logically, sir", Spock murmured, "It's not all that hard."
"Captain Kirk, I'd like you to meet Captain Picard."
"Ah...yes..James T.", he offered with ease
With hand on his phaser, "We come in Peace"

Spock spoke not a word as I went straight to my pin
"Worf, it is time to have your butt kicked, again!"
You see, I wasn't sure if this Kirk was for real
the transporter, you know, had once made him evil

While shaking his head with more gestures he made
said over dramatically, "Donotbe.........afraid!"
I jumped to my feet, tugged my shirt as I spoke
"Q, show yourself! Is this some kind of a joke?"

"A Joke? An anecdote? A witticism or a humorous pun?"
Spock said, "I think not, Vulcans just aren't that fun."
He raised an eyebrow, "Picard, we're really not sure"
but we think we've been sent by the ghost of xmas future"

Then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse
the silence was broken by a very loud curse
He appeared dressed in blue and his temper was huge
"Dammit, I'm a doctor! I am not a scrooge!"

As if that wasn't enough, Worf strolled from the bridge
in his emergency walk and head full of ridge
"A....Klingon!", Kirk shouted, as Spock grabbed in restraint
but it was too late as Worf started to faint

The doctor rushed to his side as Kirk looked down upon him
"He's been frightened, for sure, but he's not dead, Jim!"
With much disgust, I gave a slap of my head
If only, I thought, Tasha weren't dead

I confronted the trio and Kirk got a look of surprise
as I asked, "What are you doing here on the Enterprise?"
"This...is...the..Enterprise?", he asked almost with glee
"Yes, Captain Kirk", I confirmed, "The Enterprise-D."

"Spock, could it be possible, I've been sent to demand
that I take this Enterprise as my next form of command?"
I'd been holding my anger but it started to slip
"I will not allow you to take over my ship"

Kirk's eyes lit up as he said with a smirk
"You won't be around long wearing that red shirt"
"Captain Kirk", I chuckled, "you really ought to be told"
"The security team here now dresses in gold"

The grin came off of his face cause even he had to know
If someone got killed he would be the first to go
Spock quickly interrupted, "Jim, I believe we have been sent
by the apparition of Christmas to show how it might be spent"

Kirk looked at him with a puzzling gaze
then back at me in an obvious daze
"Spock....canitbe.....Arewe....stillalive?"
He pondered, "Werewe...ableto.....survive?"

"Yes, Spock is here", I said, "Admiral McCoy, and Mr. Scott, too"
"The writers haven't told us what happened to the rest of your crew"
"I think, sir" Spock continued, "though some of us may be gone"
"The ghost wanted to show that our legacy lives on"

Kirk thought for a moment then said "Though we've come far,"
"I see what you mean, Spock, we're still cruising the stars"
"Christmas future will be shaped as we continue to explore"
"Where possibilities are endless and no one has gone before"

Then came a power much like a nebula storm
out of a brilliant light stood an alien life form
It gestured at Spock and McCoy, in a flash they beamed out
Now only Kirk stood before me in somewhat of a pout

"Captain Picard, It seems that I must go"
All I could say was "Captain Kirk, make it so"
Kirk could be heard as he beamed into a speck
"Merry Christmas to all and keep up the Star Trek"


__________________

[Jolie Rouge]

'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Legal Version
Author Unknown


Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.) Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the “Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.) The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.


__________________

[Jolie Rouge]

The Intellectual's Christmas

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacaphony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself, thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen: Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, etc., through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved, with utmost celerity and via a downward leap, entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of albions floral emblem, the latter that of the prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more or less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me risibly rolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his miniscule forward in a gesture of leave taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating in reverse the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility, "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

[Jolie Rouge]

T'was The Night In The Casino
by Guide Bill Burton

T'was the night before Christmas, I hit the Casino,
I went there to play, More than just Keno.

The dealers were assigned to their tables with care.
Chatting with patrons who were gambling there.
I walked to the Slots and started to Play.
I had a feeling this would be my Day.

I put in my coins and gave the handle a Yank.
As the coins started dropping I heard them go "Clank.
" The wheels started spinning, they whirled and they glowed.
Alas! I saw three 7's..lined up in a row.

The lights started flashing, the bells all were ringing,
Out came the Jackpot with that old familiar jingling.
I reached down and scooped up all of my winnings.
I headed for the tables.. I couldn't stop grinning.

A table was open so I sat for Blackjack,
Put down money for chips and purchased a stack.
The Dealer was smiling, I was having such Fun.
Drew a Jack then an Ace, I had Twenty One!

Now off to Roulette but which numbers to Choose?
The way things were going I just couldn't Lose.
I watched the ball spinning, it clicked and it Popped.
Right into my number, that little ball dropped.

"Thirty five to One", the dealer pushed me my chips.
Then she said, "Thanks!" for the Toke that I flipped.
Then out on the Floor, I heard such a Clatter
. I rushed to the Craps Table, to see what was the Matter.

There was this Fat Guy so lively and quick,
I thought to myself, he looks like Saint Nick.
I watched the dice as they flew from his hand.
He made his point, ever time they'd Land.

"Place the Six and the Eight and a Dollar on YO!
"He blew on the dice before letting them Go.
"To some these dice are more Fun than Toys.
I almost Forgot, Hard Six for the Boys!"

He handled the Bones so smooth and so Swift.
The timing was right, To ask for a Gift.
"Oh Santa please share some of your Lucky Charm.
He whispered to me, as he took my Arm.

"If you want to keep winning when rolling the Dice,
Just listen to Santa and heed my Advice.
""I've learned from the Experts, Frome, Griffen and Wong.
The secret of winning is PRACTICE hard and long."

"You MUST use your head and this is no Fable.
If your Luck starts to turn, You must leave the Table"
In the Blink of an eye he was headed for the Door.
I pleaded with Santa, "Please, Tell me more!”

He called back to me, as he flew out of sight.
"Every day will be Christmas, If you Learn to play the game Right"

I wish you all a Happy Holiday and a "Lucky" New Year!!


-----------------------



A Redneck Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung
by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
a foul stench in the air.

From out in the yard
There came such a noise
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12;
Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10;
Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns;
They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up y'all!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."

Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.

They all looked around,
and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"

Bubba just stared;
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof,
Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know;
They was about to start shootin'!

They aimed their shotguns
and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name.

"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
and Sam and old Joe!"

"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"

The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.

From up on the roof
Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:

"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer;
It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!

--------------------------------


Twas a Florida Christmas


T'was the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.


To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.


The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.


And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn't a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.


The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,


There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house....stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.


Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.


He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up Highway 436 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!"

[Jolie Rouge]

Have A Stealth Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ElInt and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter.
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters -- let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged,
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged.
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea,
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade,
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.

Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us,
In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.
They keep us from things that make life more worth living,
Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!


__________________



Twas The Night Before Y2K

'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy
Wouldn't stop there.

While some folks did drink
And were snug in their beds
Most others had visions
Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her WinTel,
And I with my Mac
Had just safely logged off
To kick back a snack.

When o'er at the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.

But dial-tone was missing,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.

When what with my wandering eyes
Should appear?
My once trusty old Mac
As sick as I feared.

The Mother of all hacks,
It installed there so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!

His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!

No Intel! No Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!

All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!

All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.

His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.

He had a broad little face
And a satanic round belly,
And his sack filled with virus
That pulsated like jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I gasped when I saw him
As my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
Deeper feelings of dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks downline,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty shout,
Happy Y2K to you all,
This is a thousand-year night!


__________________

[Jolie Rouge]

'Twas The Month Before Christmas


'Twas the month before Christmas, and all through the store,
Each department was dripping with Yuletide decor.
The Muzak was blaring an out-of-tune carol,
And the fake snow was falling on "Ladies' Apparel."

I'd flown many miles from the North Pole this day,
To check on reports which had caused me dismay.
I'd come to this store for but one special reason,
To see for myself what went on this Season.

I hid in a corner and in a short while,
I saw the Store President march down the aisle.
He shouted an order to "Turn the store tree on!"
And also the "NOEL" in blinking pink neon.

Up high, grandly hanging from twin gold supports,
Four hundred pink angels flew over "Men's Shorts."
And towering over the Rear Mezzanine,
A 90-foot Day Glo "Nativity Scene."

The clock on the wall said two minutes to Nine,
The floorwalkers proudly all stood in line.
I watched while the President smelled their carnations,
Then called out his final command - "Man Your Stations!"

When out on the street there arose such a roar,
It rang to the rafters and boomed through the store.
It sounded exactly like street-repair drilling,
Or maybe another big Mafia killing.

I looked to the doors, and there banging glass,
Was a clamoring, shrieking, hysterical mass.
And I felt from the tone of each scream and each curse,
That the "Spirit Of Christmas" had changed for the worse.

The clock it struck Nine, and the door opened wide,
And that great human avalanche thundered inside.
More fearsome than Sherman attacking Atlanta
Came parents and kiddies with just one goal - "Santa!!"

In front stormed the mothers, all brandishing handbags,
As heavy and deadly as 20 pound sandbags.
With gusto they swung them, the better to smash ears,
Of innocent floorwalkers, buyers, and cashiers.

Egged on by their parents, the kids had one aim,
To get to the man who was using my name.
They mobbed him and mauled him, the better to plead,
For the presents they sought in their hour of greed.

The President watched with a gleam in his eye,
As he thought of the toys that the parents would buy.
Of all Christmas come-ons, this crowd would attest,
That a visit to "Santa" was clearly the best.

It was all too much for my soul to condone,
And I let out a most unprofessional moan.
The crowd turned around, and I'll say for their sake,
That they knew in an instant I wasn't fake.

"I've had it," I told them, "with fast-buck promoting,
With gimmicks and come-ons and businessmen gloating.
This garish display of commercialized greed,
Is so very UN-Christmas, it makes my heart bleed!"


__________________



~~~ The Twelve Days of Fast Food ~~~

On the first day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.


The Month *After* Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse;

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste;
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

Then I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared;

The wine and the rum balls; the bread and the cheese;
and the way I'd never said "no thank you please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
and once again to battle with dirt,

I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't I spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished.
'til all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie- not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie,
I munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet!

[moocher]

A Politically Correct Christmas

I love this one!! Those were great Jolie! Thank You!

[jaybird]

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

[jaybird]

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

...come to think of it, I better stop!
:D
:D
:D

[Jcowgirl77]

Christmas Italian Style
> >
> > 'Twas the night before Christmas,
> > Da whole house was mella,
> > Not a creature was stirrin',
> >
> > Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
> >
> > When up on da roof
> > I heard somethin' pound,
> > I sprung to da window,
> > To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
> >
> > When what to my
> > Wanderin' eyes should appear,
> > But da Don of all elfs,
> > And eight freakin' reindeer!
> >
> > Wit' slicked back black hair,
> > And a silk red suit,
> > Don Christopher wuz here,
> > And he brought da loot!
> >
> > Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
> > And a yank on dare manes,
> > He cursed and he shouted,
> > And he called dem by name.
> >
> > "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
> > Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
> > Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
> > Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
> >
> > As I drew out my gun
> > And hid by da bed,
> > He flew troo da winda
> > And slapped me 'side da head.
> >
> > "What da hell you doin'
> > Pullin' a gun on da Don?
> > Now all you're gettin' is coal,
> > You freakin' moron!"
> >
> > Den pointin' a fat finga
> > Right unda my nose,
> > He twisted his pinky ring,
> > And up da chimney he rose.
> >
> > He sprang to his sleigh,
> > Obscenities screamin',
> > Away dey all flew,
> > Before he troo dem a beatin'.
> >
> > Den I heard him yell out,
> > What I did least expect,
> > "Merry Freakin' Christmas to all,
> > And yous better show some respect!
> >
THESE ARE ALL GOOD PASSING THEM ALL ON AND BUMPING UP

[Jcowgirl77]

NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (USMC TALE)

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.
The following is his request.

[Jolie Rouge]

originally posted by Jcowgirl :

From: Santa Claus:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4.You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when
Bubba Claus arrives.
Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

[ahippiechic]

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(Arizona style...)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town
No roses were frozen, no snow fluttered down
No children in flannels being tucked into bed,
They all wore their shortie pajamas instead.

They knew Santa was coming and well on his way.
In a snappy convertible, there was no snow to sleigh.
He whizzed down the highway and zoomed up the roads
In a crimson red car, deliv'ring his loads.

That his car would not land on the roof caused no gloom,
For old Santa came into the casa through the Arizona Room!
He stopped at each address staying only a minute,
And he emptied his bag of the toys he had in it.

The desert was cool, it was a glad atmosphere,
Decorations abounded this time of year.
Cactus all dressed in holiday lights
Saguaro adorned in colors so bright.

Reluctantly knowing his job was complete,
Back to the convertible parked on the street!
He climbed in the car, he turned on the ignition,
Continuing his part in that Christmas tradition.

He turned on his lights and got ready to go,
Knowing full well that the dry heat was better than snow.
He called out to say as he went on his way,
"Merry Christmas Arizona, I wish I could stay"!

http://www.minibite.com/christmas/pics/saguaro.jpg

[ahippiechic]

"Twas the night before Christmas, too hot for a blizzard,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even the lizard!"

With me in my cut-offs and Mom in her tube-tops,
I'm sweating and sunburned
I pray that the temp drops!

A fat guy was taken to the hospital today.
He was racing around
In a funny old sleigh!

Wearing red flannel from head to his toes!
Delivering presents
All covered with bows.

We think the heat got him, caused him to fall
Off of our rooftop,
He bounced like a ball!

As the ambulance came,
I heard him yell,
"Forget Christmas out here,
It's hotter than HELL!"

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

http://www.wtv-zone.com/MINDISMOM/christmas/santainsun.jpg

[Jolie Rouge]

LOL !

[ahippiechic]

On the First Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - A Phoenix in a Palm Tree
On the Second Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Two Camelbacks, etc.
On the Third Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Three Iced Teas, etc.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Four Rattlesnakes, etc.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Five Phoenix Suns, etc.
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Six Jalapenos, etc.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Seven Hot Tamales, etc.
On the Eighth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Eight Chili Peppers, etc.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Nine Leaping Lizards, etc.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Ten Painted Deserts, etc.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Eleven Margaritas, etc.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Twelve Swimming Pools

Happy Holidays from Phoenix Arizona!!

[ahippiechic]

Pancho Claus (The Night Before Christmas)
By Eduardo "Lalo" Guerrero

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through la casa
Not a creature was stirring, ¡Caramba!
¿Qué pasa?

Los niños were all tucked away
in their camas,
Some in vestidos and some in pajamas.
While Mama worked late in her little cocina,
El viejo was down at the corner cantina.


The stockings were hanging con mucho cuidado,
In hopes that St. Nicholas would feel obligado
To bring all the children, both buenos y malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.

Outside in the yard there arouse such a grito,
That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
I went to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world, do you think que era?

Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero!
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados,
Were eight little burros approaching volados.

I watched as they came, and this little hombre
was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:



Ay, Pancho! Ay, Pepe! Ay, Cuca! Ay, Beto!
Ay, Chato! Ay, Chopo! Maruca and Nieto!

Then standing erect with his hand on his pecho
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chimenea.

Then huffing and puffing, at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala.
He filled the stockings with lovely regalos,
For none of the children had been very malos.

Then chuckling aloud and seeming contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim and this is VERDAD,

[ahippiechic]

Cajun T'was....

'Twas the night before Christmas an' all t'ru de house,
Dey don't a ting pass Not even a mouse.
De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo',
An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'.
De Mama in de fireplace done roas' up de ham,
Sit up de gumbo an' make de bake yam.
Den out on de by-you dey got such a clatter,
Make soun' like old Boudreau done fall off his ladder.
I run like a rabbit to got to de do',
Trip over de dorg an' fall on de flo'.
As I look out de do'in de light o' de moon,
I t'ink, "Mahn, you crazy or got ol' too soon."
Cux dere on de by-you w'en I stretch ma'neck stiff,
Dere's eight alligator a pullin' de skiff.
An' a little fat drover wit' a long pole-ing stick,
I know r'at away got to be ole St.Nick.
Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de' gator dey came
He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name:
"Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee'!
Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an'Renee'!
To de top o' de porch to de top o' de wall,
Make crawl, alligator, an' be sho' you don' fall."
Like Tante Flo's cat t'ru de treetop he fly,
W'en de big ole houn' dorg come a run hisse's by.
Like dat up de porch dem ole 'gator clim!
Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'.
Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail,
W'en all dem big gator, done sot down dey tail.
Den down de chimney I yell wit' a bam,
An' St.Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam.
"Sacre!" he axclaim, "Ma pant got a hole
I done sot ma'se'f on dem red hot coal."
He got on his foots an' jump like de cat
Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT!
He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot,
An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot.
A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back,
He look like a burglar an' dass fo' a fack.
His eyes how dey shine his dimple, how merry!
Maybe he been drink de wine from de blackberry.
His cheek was like a rose his nose a cherry,
On secon' t'ought maybe he lap up de sherry.
Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly,
He shook w'en he laugh like de stromberry jelly!
But a wink in his eye an' a shook o' his head,
Make my confi-dence dat I don't got to be scared.
He don' do no talkin' gone strit to hi work,
Put a playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk.
He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head,
Cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said:
"Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame,
Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came."
So he run out de do' an, he clim' to de roof,
He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof.
He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip,
De' gator move down, An don' make one slip.
An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go,
"Merry Christmas to all 'til I saw you some mo'!"

[Jolie Rouge]

hippie - what are "Camelbacks" ??

[ahippiechic]

Call the Caterer!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was
cooking and baking and moanin and *****in. I've been here for hours, I
cant stop to rest. This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess !
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the
trimmings. Who cares what I need ! My feet are both blistered, I've got
cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing; frosting
drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging. Two pies in the oven,
desserts almost done; my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore; Then in walks my husband,
spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; then grins
as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !" He looks all around and with
total regret, says "What's taking so long....arent you through in here
yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I
wanted his life ! He flees from the room in terror and pain and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ? Oh damn, it's the
pies !! They're burned all to hell I hate to admit when I make a
mistake, but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go
wrong ?? Is there still more ahead?? If this is good living, I'd rather be
dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me
exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If I live
till next year, You wont find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a
maid, a cook, and a waiter; and if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some Assembly Required

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!






Ok, Ithink I'm done now, LOL! :p

[ahippiechic]

Originally posted by Jolie Rouge
hippie - what are "Camelbacks" ??

LOL! Camelback Mountian. It's also a major rd here, too. (Camelback road.) You can see Camelback mountian from it, LOL. :p

[Jolie Rouge]

:(

Then I may as well call it a night ...


"NITE"

[ahippiechic]

Nite, jolie. :)

[Jcowgirl77]

HIPPIECHIC LOVE THE ONES ABOUT AZ THANKS

[ahippiechic]

Are you in Az, too? This is our 2nd Christmas here, I love it! :p

[MrsSpeed]

T'was The Night Before a Redneck Christmas

It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.
_______
Our stockin's was hung___________
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.
_____________________________ ___________
And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.

Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.
_____________________________ ___________
I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.
_____________________________ ___________
The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.
_____________________________ ___________
And I couldn't believe
by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!
_____________________________ ___________
Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:
_____________________________ ___________
"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"
_____________________________ ___________
"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"
_____________________________ ___________
You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?
_____________________________ ___________
That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
_____________________________ ___________
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.
_____________________________ ___________
I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!
_____________________________ ___________
He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.
_____________________________ ___________
Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
_____________________________ ___________
When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!
_____________________________ ___________
I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.
_____________________________ ___________
He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.
_____________________________ ___________
He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.
_____________________________ ___________
But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"

[Jolie Rouge]

white trash christmas

turn your volume up

www****onedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html

t*o*o*n*e*d*i*n*.*c*o*m

[MrsSpeed]

OMG!! Jolie that was hilarious!! :D

[Jolie Rouge]

Twelve days - Revised Policy


Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing
their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the
bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



*T*Y* Fugie !

[imcafan]

Bumping these to the top so everyone can see them.

[Jolie Rouge]

Vermin's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
not a bed-bug or louse.

The mice were all settled
with never a care,
And the spiders they dozed
on cobwebs everywhere.

The fleas were all nestled
all snug on the cat,
And under the tree snoozed
a dirty great rat.

A half-dozen ticks
were attached to the dog,
And a couple of rabbits
snacked on the Yule Log.

The householder was dreaming
and scratching his bites,
And sneezed in his sleep,
allergic to mites.

A beetle or two
scuttled off at the sound,
And a small scouting ant
called her whole family round.

Then Santa came down the chimney,
all dusty,
Into the wreckage
and debris so musty.

He wiped off the ash
from his once-snowy beard,
And into the verminous household
he peered.

Come bed-bug! Come louse!
Come blood-sucking gnat!
Come flea! Here comes something
tastes better than cat!

And off of the carpet
the fleas leapt ten feet,
Up Santa's red trousers
to join in the feast.

Santa he scratched,
in discomfort he itched,
Grabbed at his clothing
and the cuffs upward hitched.

His skin was all blotchy
and covered in bites,
For he was the present
for the vermin that night.

The rats and the mice
awoke at the commotion,
And into their brains came
a hunger-fuelled notion.

For the presents were held
in a bag of burlap,
And soon they were gnawing
to shreds Santa's sack.

Well that was enough
for beleaguered Saint Nick,
He grabbed armfuls of gifts
and he left, double quick.

The reindeer were scratching
parasite-ridden pelts,
From way down the chimney
their blood had been smelt.

And hordes of the buggers,
the fleas and the lice,
Had infested the poor deer
in only a trice.

Well I guess it is Christmas
for man and for mouse,
And for all the darn vermin
that live in that house.

[Jolie Rouge]

Sam and Roz Are Coming to Town
(To the Tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")


You better give up
On Christmas this year.
You haven't a chance
With relatives here!

Sam and Roz are coming to town.


They're bringing their kids
To add to your fun.
They're staying 10 days;
You thought it was one.

Sam and Roz are coming to town!


They'll break your prized possessions;
They'll destroy your solitude.
They'll eat you out of house and home
Then complain about the food!


There's only one way
To save your Noel.
You give 'em your house,
You take a hotel.

Sam and Roz are coming to town!

[jaybird]

POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!
POUNCE !!! ...infinity...

[jaybird]

Email Wonderland
((sing to the tune of 'Winter Wonderland'

Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please read!",
And "answer with speed!".
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day's not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

[jaybird]

'Twas the Day AFTER Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Macy's, now Penney's and Sears
Here's Marshall's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . .you'll be paying all year!"

[Jolie Rouge]

Cajun Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
an' all t'ru de house,
Dey don't a t'ing pass,
not even a mouse.

De chirren been nezzle
good snug on de flo',
An' Mama pass de pepper
t'ru de crack on de do'.

Den Mama in de fireplace
done roas' us de ham,
Stir up de gumbo,
an' make de baked yam

Den out on de bayou
dey got such a clatter...
Make soun' like old Boudreaux
done fall off his ladder.

I run like a rabbit
to got to de do'...
Trip over de dawg
an' fall on de flo'!

As I look out de do'
in de light o' de moon,
I t'ink, "Manh, you crazy,
or got ole too soon."

Cuz dere on de bayou
when I stretch ma' neck stiff...
Dere's eight alligator
a-pullin' de skiff...

An' a little fat drover
wit' a lone polein' stick...
I know r'at away
got to be ole St. Nick...

Mo' fas'er an' fas'er
de 'gator dey came.
He whistle an' holler
an' call dem by name:

"Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy!
Ha, Pierre an' Alcee!
Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette!
Celeste an' Renee!"

To de top o' de porch
dem ole 'gator clime!
Wit' de skiff full o' toy
an' St. Nicklus behin'.

Den on top de porch roof i
t soun' like de hail
When all dem big 'gator
done sot down dey tail!----

Den down de chimney
he fell wit' a bam...
An' St. Nicklus fall
an' sit on de yam!

"SACRE!" he axclaim
"Ma pant got a hole.
I done sot mase'f
on dem red hot coal!"

He got on his foots
an' jump like a cat...
Out to de flo'
where he lan' wit' a SPLAT!

He was dress in musk-rat
from his head to his foot
An' his clothes is all dirty
wit' ashes an' soot.

A sack full o' playt'ing
he t'row on his back.
He look like a burglar,
an' dass fo' a fack!

His eyes how dey shine...
his dimple, how merry!
Maybe he been drink
de wine from blackberry!

His cheek was like rose...
his nose like a cherry...
On secon' tought maybe
he lap up de sherry! ---

Wit' snow-white chin whisker
an' quiverin' belly,
He shook when he laugh
like de stromberry jelly!

But a wink in his eye...
an' a shook o' his head...
Make my confidance dat
I soon got to be scared.

He don' do no talkin'...
gone straight to his work...
Put playt'ing in sock an'
den turn wit' a jerk!

He put bot' his han'
dere on top o' his head,
He cas' an eye on de chimney
an' den he done said:

"Wit' all o' dat fire
an' dem burnin' hot flame...
Me I ain' goin' back
by de way dat I came."

So he run out de do'
an' he clime to de roof...
He ain' no fool,
him for to make one more goof.

He jump in his skiff
an' crack his big whip.
De 'gator move down
an' don' make one slip.

An' I hear him shout loud
as a splashin' he go:
"Marry C'rismas to all...
till I saw you some mo'!"

[Jolie Rouge]

"On the First Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Second Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Third Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Fourth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 4 pepper plants, 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Fifth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 5 bags of Zapp's, 4 pepper plants, 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Sixth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 6 geese for gumbo, 5 bags of Zapp's, 4 pepper plants, 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Seventh Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 7 pounds of cracklings, 6 geese for gumbo, 5 bags of Zapp's, 4 pepper plants, 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Eighth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 8 boats a-trawling, 7 pounds of cracklings, 6 geese for gumbo, 5 bags of Zapp's, 4 pepper plants, 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Ninth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 9 fiddlers fiddling, 8 boats a-trawling, 7 pounds of cracklings, 6 geese for gumbo, 5 bags of Zapp's, 4 pepper plants, 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Tenth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 10 Cajuns dancing, 9 fiddlers fiddling, 8 boats a-trawling, 7 pounds of cracklings, 6 geese for gumbo, 5 bags of Zapp's, 4 pepper plants, 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 11 pounds of crawfish, 10 Cajuns dancing, 9 fiddlers fiddling, 8 boats a-trawling, 7 pounds of cracklings, 6 geese for gumbo, 5 bags of Zapp's, 4 pepper plants, 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

"On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - 12 wheeler-dealers, 11 pounds of crawfish, 10 Cajuns dancing, 9 fiddlers fiddling, 8 boats a-trawling, 7 pounds of cracklings, 6 geese for gumbo, 5 bags of Zapp's, 4 pepper plants, 3 sugar canes, 2 shotgun shells and a pirogue on the bayou!"

[the fugative]

:D

Afghanistan Christmas Carol


T' was the night before Christmas and all through the Land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.

Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
He came very close, to his final Breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.
They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for You,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile
I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show

:D

A Soldier's Christmas

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed 'round the room and I cherished the sight;
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell....a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight;
The sparkling lights on the tree, I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep;
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem.
So I slumbered in peace, then I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it came to my ear;
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble. I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near;
Standing out there alone in the cold of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I reckoned, some eighteen years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled there in the cold;
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, my wife, and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment! It's freezing out here;
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on this cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment, I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold, and the snow in a drift;
To the windows that danced with a warm fire's light,
Then he sighed, and he said, "It's really all right."

"I'm out here by choice. I'm here all the time,
It's my duty to stand at the front of the line;
No one has to ask me, or beg, or implore,
I'm proud to stand here like my father before."

"My grandpa at Pearl, on a day in December,
Is a memory my grandma will always remember;
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam,
And now it's my turn, and so, here I am.

I've not seen my family in more than a while,
But my parents send pictures. They're great for a smile."
Then he bent down and carefully pulled from his bag,
The Red, White, and Blue. An American flag.

"I can live through the cold, and this being alone,
Away from my family, my house, and my home;
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole, with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life for my buddy.....my brother;
Who stand here with me against any and all,
To insure for all time that this flag does not fall.

So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
Give you some money? Prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you do,
Being away from your home and your family too."
Then his eyes welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget;

To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone;
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, wither standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled,
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you, as you mattered to us."

:)

[Jolie Rouge]

Thank You, Fugie.

I think that last one was the best posted yet.


Good Night

God Bless

Merry Christmas

[Legion600]

The USMC tale which appears on the net as being written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa is actually a plagiarized and rewritten version.
Here's the story:

This piece, which sees wide circulation every Christmastime, is generally credited to "a Marine stationed in Okinawa, Japan" (or, since September 11, a Marine stationed in Afghanistan). More specifically, an Air Force Lieutenant Colonel named Bruce Lovely has taken credit for composing this poem, claiming that he penned it on Christmas Eve 1993 while stationed in Korea (and saw it printed under his name in the Ft. Leavenworth Lamp a few years later):


I arrived in Korea in Jul 93 and was extremely impressed with the commitment of the soldiers I worked with and those that were prepared to give their lives to maintain the freedom of South Korea. To honor them, I wrote the poem and went around on Christmas Eve and put it under the doors of US soldiers assigned to Yongsan.
We're sorry to say, however, that Lt. Col. Lovely does a great disservice to his fellow servicemen by claiming authorship of "The Soldier's Night Before Christmas," because it was published in Leatherneck (Magazine of the Marines) in December 1991, a full two years before Lt. Col. Lovely supposedly wrote it. The Leatherneck version was titled "Merry Christmas, My Friend" and was attributed to James M. Schmidt, then a Lance Corporal stationed in Washington, D.C.

According to Corporal Schmidt:


The true story is that while a Lance Corporal serving as Battalion Counter Sniper at the Marine Barracks 8th & I, Washington, DC, under Commandant P.X. Kelly and Battalion Commander D.J. Myers, I wrote this poem to hang on the door of the Gym in the BEQ. When Colonel Myers came upon it, he read it and immediately had copies sent to each department at the Barracks and promptly dismissed the entire Battalion early for Christmas leave. The poem was placed that day in the Marine Corps Gazette, distributed worldwide and later submitted to Leatherneck Magazine.
We reproduce below Corporal Schmidt's version as printed in Leatherneck, which differs from the current Internet version in many places (particularly in Marine-specific wording that has since turned into Army references, and resultant alterations in other places to maintain the line-ending rhyme scheme):

Merry Christmas, My Friend
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney, with presents to give
and to see just who in this home did live.

As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.

With medals and badges, awards of all kind,
a sobering thought soon came to my mind.
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.
This was the home of a U.S. Marine.

I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more,
so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene,
Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.
Was this the hero, of whom I’d just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.
I soon understood, this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night,
owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.

Soon around the Nation, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year,
because of Marines like this one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone,
on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I watched him for hours, so silent and still.
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.
Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold,
with an eagle, globe and achor emblazoned so bold.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.


I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night,
this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,
said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.

[Legion600]

And speaking of plagiarism: Clement Moore did not write "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" (Twas the night before Chistmas). The real author is Major Henry Livingston Jr. (1748-1828). Here is the original version as it first appeared (note the reindeer's names):


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro' the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar plums danc'd in their heads,
And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap --
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd them by name:
"Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer, and Vixen,
"On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Dunder and Blixem;
"To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
"Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys -- and St. Nicholas too:
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:
He was dress'd all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnish'd with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys was flung on his back,
And he look'd like a peddler just opening his pack:
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry;
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow.
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face, and a little round belly
That shook when he laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly:
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And fill'd all the stockings; then turn'd with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight --
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.


Read more here:

http://www.library.utoronto.ca/utel/rp/authors/livingston.html

[Jolie Rouge]

Greetings to our "Big Big Historian"

I *still* think of you as our "BigBigDeBunker"

Merry Christmas ;)

[Jolie Rouge]

For Our Dearest Fugie :

as offered by the "Very Veggie Christmas" album...

The 8 Polish Foods of Christmas

The first Polish Christmas Dish I bring to the party
a boiled potato topped with dill weed...

The second Polish Christmas Dish I bring to the party
two steamed pierogies,
and a boiled potato topped with dill weed...

Whats' a pierogie ?

It's .. a dough, wrapped around ... seasoned meat...

oh..

The third Polish Christmas Dish I bring to the party
three simmered gwumpkies,
two steamed pierogies,
and a boiled potato topped with dill weed...

Whats' a gwumpkie ?

It's a ... cabbage, ... wrapped around ... meat...

oh..

The fourth Polish Christmas Dish I bring to the party
four baked paprikas,
three simmered gwumpkies,
two steamed pierogies,
and a boiled potato topped with dill weed...

Now, what's a paprika ?

It's a bell pepper, ... stuffed with ... meat...

I see ...

The fifth Polish Christmas Dish I bring to the party
five smoked Kielbasas !
Four baked paprikas,
three simmered gwumpkies,
two steamed pierogies,
and a boiled potato topped with dill weed...

So, what's kielbasas ?

It's pretty much... meat...

Ahhh ...

The sixth Polish Christmas Dish I bring to the party
six fried hooscheekies ...
five smoked Kielbasas !
Four baked paprikas,
three simmered gwumpkies,
two steamed pierogies,
and a boiled potato topped with dill weed...

Let me guess ... something in the meat family ?

Actually, it's a delightful pastry with a thin, light, flaky crust.

OOhhhhhh ...

The seventh Polish Christmas Dish I bring to the party
Seven pitted prunes
six fried hooscheekies ...
five smoked Kielbasas !
Four baked paprikas,
three simmered gwumpkies,
two steamed pierogies,
and a boiled potato topped with dill weed...

I don't *like* prunes ...

With all this food, you're gonna need them.

Ohhhhhh ... is that right ?

The eighth Polish Christmas Dish I bring to the party
Eight poppy seed cakes,
Seven pitted prunes,
Six fried hooscheekies ...
Five smoked Kielbasas !
Four baked paprikas,
Three simmered gwumpkies,
Two steamed pierogies,
and
a boiled potato topped with diiiill weeeeeed...

There's no place like home; there's no place like home ...

[Jolie Rouge]

A POLICE OFFICER'S CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the streets,
not a person was stirring, 'cept an officer on the beat.
As he quietly patrolled the town with great care,
...children and parents slept peacefully there.

The officer was clad in his blues and his vest,
gun on his hip, always looking his best.
He'd just pulled aside for a quick bite to eat,
When all of a sudden, out on the street,

A bright light appeared from out of nowhere,
He shielded his eyes from the brilliant glare.
'Twas an angel of the Lord at the squad's rear,
He smiled and spoke, "Dear Officer, don't fear."

"I've been sent by God with a message for you
who faithfully serve while wearing the blue.
He wants you to know He loves you all,
He's pleased with the way you've answered His call.

"To protect and serve others, so selfless you've been,
Your bravery and kindness have known no end.
Even in tragedy, when nights became long,
You've helped countless strangers by being strong.

"God sees your heart, the joy and the pain,
He knows the profession can often bring strain.
So he sent me here to let you know,
That as you patrol, He goes where you go.

"As you protect others, your Father protects you,
His angels go with you, His Spirit does, too.
No bullet too fast, no bad guy too strong,
I'm sent to make sure that your life will be long.

"So fear not the night, and fear not the day,
fear not the threats that might come your way.
I'm sent to accompany you on your beat,
There's not one moment you're alone on the street."

The officer sat stunned by the love of His God,
He bowed his head, with a tear gave a nod.
As the officer said thank you, the angel took flight,
"God's got your back, carry on, and goodnight."

--Author unknown

[Jolie Rouge]

http://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/1929919_10153808403985763_392228141936679874_n.jpg ?oh=7477f89aaa01c591bca65afa8a495dcc&oe=56DC1B4E

The song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is an English Christmas carol. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of the Church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember. To fit the number scheme, when you reach number 9, representing the Fruits of the Holy Ghost, the originator combined 6 to make 3, taking the 6 fruits that were similar: the fruit in each parenthesis is the that was not named separately. There are actually Twelve Fruits of the Holy Ghost.

The "True Love" one hears in the song is not a smitten boy or girlfriend but Jesus Christ, because truly Love was born on Christmas Day. The partridge in the pear tree also represents Him because that bird is willing to sacrifice its life if necessary to protect its young by feigning injury to draw away predators.

According to Ann Ball in her book, HANDBOOK OF CATHOLIC SACRAMENTALS:

The two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments

The three French hens stood for faith, hope, and love.

The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

The five golden rings represented the first five books of the Old Testament, which describe man's fall into sin and the great love of God in sending a Savior.

The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit : Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit-----Charity, Joy, Peace, Patience [Forbearance], Goodness [Kindness], Mildness, Fidelity, Modesty, Continency [Chastity].

The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.

The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful Apostles.

The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in The Apostles' Creed.

Original Source: Fr. Calvin Goodwin, FSSP, Nebraska

Printed with permission from Catholic Tradition.

[Jolie Rouge]

A Firefly Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the boat
Not a person was stirring, not even a 'coat
The stockings were hung by the engine with care
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there

The Tams were tucked up asleep in their beds
While visions of hodgeberries danced in their heads
And Mal in his bonnet and Jayne in his hat
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap

When up on the bridge there arose such a clatter
That Wash leaped from his bed to see what was the matter
He ran to his chair and flicked all three switches
Checked out the cortex and did up his britches.

The stars were obscured but the engine did glow
And lit up the scene both above and below
There, what to his wondering eyes should appear
But a fleet of guild shuttles, all drifting quite near.

With eyes wide in wonder and grabbing the stick,
Wash called up the cap’n and Zoe real quick,
Serenity slowed and crew to the bridge came,
Jayne whistled, Kaylee grinned, ‘Nara called them by name!

Ooo! Rachel, and Tina, and Cory and Stephen!
There’s Rowan and Tara, Joe, Amy and Karen!
To the airlocks! To the cargo bay! Open the door!
Now wake up the preacher! We need victuals and more!

With the grace of companions the shuttles drew nigh,
And the crew with great care brought the travelers inside,
So up to the dinning-room the revelers all went,
With strawberries and rosemary the guild-house had sent.

And then, in a twinkling, they heard down the hall,
A prancing and dancing of someone not tall,
As they came to the table and gathered around,
In danced River, hair flying, with a skip and a bound.

Simon came next, shirtless and barefoot,
And his hair was all tousled, though not bad as Book’s,
The preacher had whipped up a veritable feast,
Mystery soup, protein cake and something from yeast.

Their eyes – how they twinkled! Their tummies did rumble!
They fell to their feasting while Book prayed in a mumble.
Jokes flew, stories shared, eyes beckoned, hands wandered,
Where would this all end, in whose bed!? Kaylee pondered.

Zoe reclined, wrapped in Wash’s strong arm,
The warrior woman in a place safe from harm.
Mal quizzed Tina on bibles and broke out the best booze,
He drank to his memories, then accidentally snoozed

Jayne poured out the Blue Sun and passed to the left,
Leaving Mal, on his right, feeling somewhat bereft,
Simon swigged from the bottle and fell to the ground,
River stood on the railing, while Kaylee spun round,

In a dress all of ruffles, she knelt by Simon’s side,
And whispered suggestions of where they could hide.
The guild members smiled secrets, and elegant pleasures,
The crew chose companions after taking their measure.

Inara stood up with a glass in her hand,
And called upon all of the company to stand.
“A toast!” She proclaimed, “To the Browncoat’s great might,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!”

[Jolie Rouge]

Tis the season for singing Christmas favorites by the fire, karaoking in your car on the way to holiday shop or caroling through your neighborhood. Here's a look at the history behind some of the songs that help define Christmas.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Originally written for the Judy Garland musical Meet Me in St. Louis, the song was originally much darker than the tune we sing today.

The song was designed to be a somber moment shared between Garland and her on-screen little sister, Margaret O’Brien, both sad because they are going to have to leave their home of St. Louis and move to New York.

Garland was charged with singing lyrics like “Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last, next year we may all be living in the past. Have yourself a merry little Christmas, pop that champagne cork, Next year we may all be living in New York.”

Garland protested, insisting she would “Look like a monster” for singing such morbid lyrics to a child.

At her insistence, the song got a rewrite and has since become one of the most popular songs of the Christmas season.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

In the early 1930s, James “Haven” Gillespie was a newspaper reporter with a penchant for songwriting. As it turns out, around that time, a performer named Eddie Cantor was looking for a Christmas song, according to Stories Behind the Greatest Hits of Christmas.

Cantor called a publisher, who said he had something for him. Scrambling to cover up a lie, the publisher contacted Gillespie, hoping he would write something quickly.

At the time, Gillespie was not in a mood to pen cheerful holiday lyrics. His brother had just died and Gillespie was consumed with grief. The publisher begged, and Gillespie, needing to make ends meet, channeled his childhood memories into the song Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town. The book writes “he envisioned his late brother’s reaction as his mother pointed her finger at him and said ‘You better watch out, you better be good, because Santa Claus is soon coming to town.’”

The song was later introduced to the country at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.


Christmas Time is Here

Sung by everyone from Tony Bennett to Toni Braxton, Christmas Time is Here is a jazz masterpiece made most famous by a ragtag baseball player, a bossy beauty queen, a blanket-toting philosopher and their friends – better known as Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus and the rest of the Peanuts.

Written as an instrumental by Vince Guaraldi for A Charlie Brown Christmas, producer Lee Mendelson felt the piece needed lyrics. Unable to find lyric writers, he scribbled down some in less than 10 minutes and a classic was born.

“Little did we know for 40 years, it would become a standard at Christmas time,” Mendelson told NPR in a 2012 interview.

The piece not only introduced jazz to a generation, but a Charlie Brown Christmas and the soundtrack behind it have become a symbol of the holidays and a tradition not to be missed at Christmas.

What Child is This?

William Chatterton Dix was an insurance salesman in Glasgow, Scotland, in the 1800s when he became deathly ill. The illness turned into a season of personal and spiritual reflection for Dix.

According to Stories of the Great Christmas Carols, he began studying the Bible during this time and wrote a poem called The Manger Throne".

Three verses from that poem were later set to the tune of Greensleeves and What Child is This? was born.

Jingle Bells

Beloved by kids and adults alike, Jingle Bells is one song you likely won’t make it through the holiday without hearing or singing.

Written by James Pierpont in the 1850s, two cities claim ownership of one of Christmas’ most popular songs.

A plaque in Medford, MA, says the song “tells of the sleigh races held on Salem Street in the early 1800s,” where Pierpont lived.

“On this site stood the Simpson Tavern where in 1850 James Pierpont wrote the song ‘Jingle Bells’ in the presence of Mrs. Otis Waterman, who later verified the song was written here,” the plaque reads.

But Pierpont eventually moved south, complicating the song’s history and legacy.

Visit Savannah, the website of the city’s Chamber of Commerce, claims “Many local historians believe that Pierpont penned Jingle Bells while in Savannah experiencing his first snow less winter as an ode to his Massachusetts snowy upbringing.”

“Savannahians still proclaim Savannah the home of Jingle Bells because the song was copyrighted while Pierpont live[d] in Georgia’s first city.”

While its origins aren’t entirely clear, many seem to think it wasn’t originally meant to be a Christmas song at all, but a Thanksgiving song. While winter imagery like snow is referenced, Christmas is never specifically mentioned in the lyrics.

http://www.wafb.com/story/30803665/the-story-behind-some-favorite-christmas-songs