2chevys
09-25-2002, 05:08 PM
1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=================================
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark
their
territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh
scent out of your clothes.
==================================
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
===============================
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs
90
cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I
feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what
you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex
girls
for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus
Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun
of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she
gave you for your birthday.
===============================
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=================================
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark
their
territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh
scent out of your clothes.
==================================
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
===============================
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs
90
cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I
feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what
you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex
girls
for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus
Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun
of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she
gave you for your birthday.
===============================
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================