ahippiechic
09-16-2002, 07:43 PM
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight"safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to
leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."
Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over
the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them
fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing,
please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place
the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like
children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please
remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" Why no Ma'am," said
the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with
us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
make the in-flight"safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to
leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."
Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over
the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them
fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing,
please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place
the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like
children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please
remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" Why no Ma'am," said
the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with
us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."