Jolie Rouge
08-23-2002, 12:02 PM
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion.
...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...
... so I said "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas.
...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes.
...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh!thead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades.
...now THAT'S a message!
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks.
...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes,
how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Welcome to Chit Creek -- Sorry, we're Out of paddles!
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion.
...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...
... so I said "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas.
...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes.
...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh!thead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades.
...now THAT'S a message!
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks.
...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes,
how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Welcome to Chit Creek -- Sorry, we're Out of paddles!
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"