Lasher
08-21-2002, 06:11 PM
Parenting experts approve the ultimate weapon
August 22 2002
It's OK for parents to play the "because I said so" card, writes Suzanne Perez Tobias from Kansas.
Somewhere in the back of every parent's mind is a list. We'll call it "Things My Parents Said That I Swear I'll Never Say in a Million Years".
And somewhere near the top of that list - right between "What do I look like, a money tree?" and "Your face is gonna freeze that way" - is a phrase that has the power to cut short any argument and silence the whining masses: "Because I said so."
Chances are, if you're a parent, you've said it a few times, despite your intention to banish it from your repertoire. But here's the thing, experts say: "Because I said so" is perfectly OK.
"The bottom line is, compliance is important," says Wichita State University psychology professor James Snyder. "It's important that children learn to comply and to follow rules."
Ideally, of course, parents should provide reasons for their decisions and demands, Snyder says. Your goal as a parent is to teach your children to make good decisions on their own, not just when you're in the room or because you said so.
But when a short, simple reason leads to more whining, it's time to play the authority card.
Consider this example, offered by Meg Sanders, a mother of six: "Clean up the living room."
"Why?"
"You're part of this family, and it's important that we help one another out and keep the house looking nice."
"But..."
"I said so, now do it."
Unlike some parents, Sanders never made an anti-"because I said so" vow. She uses it often with her children, who range in age from three months to 11. While previous generations of parents used "because I said so" without remorse or regret, modern mums and dads may think twice. We've heard it's important to communicate with children, to explain our actions and justify our decisions.
But columnist John Rosemond, author of Because I Said So: 366 Insightful and Thought-Provoking Reflections on Parenting and Family Life, says children do not need to know the reasons behind their parents' decisions. They want reasons, most often so they can engage the parent in an argument that the child has some chance of winning.
"I tell parents, go ahead and give a 10-words-or-less reason for any decision you make," Rosemond says.
A few suggestions: "It costs too much", "There's not enough time", "You're not old enough", "It's dangerous", "We don't believe in that."
But when the child's objections escalate, Rosemond says, simply say: "If I was your age, I wouldn't agree with that reason either. The fact is, you don't have to agree, but you do have to accept. And you must accept for no other reason than because I say so."
Barb Gabbert-Bacon, a mother who has led parenting groups, says she remembers her mother using "because I said so" occasionally. (But it didn't frustrate her as much as another of mum's classic comebacks: "We'll see.")
"The fact is, if the kid is trying to flush a cucumber down the toilet, you don't want to go into a whole long explanation of how indoor plumbing works," Gabbert-Bacon says.
"I think it's perfectly OK to say, 'That's a bad idea. Don't do it'."
http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2002/08/21/1029114134283.html
August 22 2002
It's OK for parents to play the "because I said so" card, writes Suzanne Perez Tobias from Kansas.
Somewhere in the back of every parent's mind is a list. We'll call it "Things My Parents Said That I Swear I'll Never Say in a Million Years".
And somewhere near the top of that list - right between "What do I look like, a money tree?" and "Your face is gonna freeze that way" - is a phrase that has the power to cut short any argument and silence the whining masses: "Because I said so."
Chances are, if you're a parent, you've said it a few times, despite your intention to banish it from your repertoire. But here's the thing, experts say: "Because I said so" is perfectly OK.
"The bottom line is, compliance is important," says Wichita State University psychology professor James Snyder. "It's important that children learn to comply and to follow rules."
Ideally, of course, parents should provide reasons for their decisions and demands, Snyder says. Your goal as a parent is to teach your children to make good decisions on their own, not just when you're in the room or because you said so.
But when a short, simple reason leads to more whining, it's time to play the authority card.
Consider this example, offered by Meg Sanders, a mother of six: "Clean up the living room."
"Why?"
"You're part of this family, and it's important that we help one another out and keep the house looking nice."
"But..."
"I said so, now do it."
Unlike some parents, Sanders never made an anti-"because I said so" vow. She uses it often with her children, who range in age from three months to 11. While previous generations of parents used "because I said so" without remorse or regret, modern mums and dads may think twice. We've heard it's important to communicate with children, to explain our actions and justify our decisions.
But columnist John Rosemond, author of Because I Said So: 366 Insightful and Thought-Provoking Reflections on Parenting and Family Life, says children do not need to know the reasons behind their parents' decisions. They want reasons, most often so they can engage the parent in an argument that the child has some chance of winning.
"I tell parents, go ahead and give a 10-words-or-less reason for any decision you make," Rosemond says.
A few suggestions: "It costs too much", "There's not enough time", "You're not old enough", "It's dangerous", "We don't believe in that."
But when the child's objections escalate, Rosemond says, simply say: "If I was your age, I wouldn't agree with that reason either. The fact is, you don't have to agree, but you do have to accept. And you must accept for no other reason than because I say so."
Barb Gabbert-Bacon, a mother who has led parenting groups, says she remembers her mother using "because I said so" occasionally. (But it didn't frustrate her as much as another of mum's classic comebacks: "We'll see.")
"The fact is, if the kid is trying to flush a cucumber down the toilet, you don't want to go into a whole long explanation of how indoor plumbing works," Gabbert-Bacon says.
"I think it's perfectly OK to say, 'That's a bad idea. Don't do it'."
http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2002/08/21/1029114134283.html