Jolie Rouge
08-11-2002, 09:23 PM
Dear Annie:
I married "Tom" three years ago. He has a 9-year-old daughter, "Missy," who lives with us. I love her as if she were my own. Tom's ex-wife has never challenged us for custody. In fact, since she divorced Tom, she's been married and divorced twice, and has other children by those marriages.
Two years ago, Tom was contacted by a relative of his ex-wife. The man said Missy was not Tom's biological child. We had a DNA test done, and it's true -- Missy is someone else's child. Missy's mother has had three husbands and multiple affairs, and we have no idea who the father is. We are afraid to mention the test to Tom's ex-wife because she might demand custody of the girl. Or worse, the unknown father might step forward and ask to raise Missy.
Missy is a sweet, gentle spirit, and we don't care that she is not blood-related to us. She is our daughter. Period. When should we tell her that she has a different father than the man who has raised her for the last nine years? I know this information will hurt her deeply, but at some point in the future, she will want to know the truth. What should we do? -- Stepmom in Houston
Dear Stepmom:
I'm glad that Missy's parentage has not affected your love for her. You are right, however. Sooner or later, Missy will have to learn the truth, if for no other reason than to get a complete medical history. Talk to your husband, and be certain the two of you agree on how to approach this. I suggest you start by discussing the matter with a family therapist and ask for his or her advice.
The important thing is to reassure Missy that you love her and she will always be your daughter. If she decides to learn more about her biological father, be supportive of her efforts, but do not pressure her.
My opinion : The child is nine-years-old - why would you tell her this right now ??? When she is older - yes ! Right now I would lay the ground work, tell her you love her for HERSELF, talk about adoption around her, build her self esteem.
AND get a lawyer. If the "relative" knows; it is no secret. I would want to know the legal issues before "mom" comes a-knocking. Here, if the couple is married - the husband's name is on the birth certificate. He can challange paternity if he chooses. If HE CLAIMS paternity - the law will recognise him as the father. PERIOD.
I married "Tom" three years ago. He has a 9-year-old daughter, "Missy," who lives with us. I love her as if she were my own. Tom's ex-wife has never challenged us for custody. In fact, since she divorced Tom, she's been married and divorced twice, and has other children by those marriages.
Two years ago, Tom was contacted by a relative of his ex-wife. The man said Missy was not Tom's biological child. We had a DNA test done, and it's true -- Missy is someone else's child. Missy's mother has had three husbands and multiple affairs, and we have no idea who the father is. We are afraid to mention the test to Tom's ex-wife because she might demand custody of the girl. Or worse, the unknown father might step forward and ask to raise Missy.
Missy is a sweet, gentle spirit, and we don't care that she is not blood-related to us. She is our daughter. Period. When should we tell her that she has a different father than the man who has raised her for the last nine years? I know this information will hurt her deeply, but at some point in the future, she will want to know the truth. What should we do? -- Stepmom in Houston
Dear Stepmom:
I'm glad that Missy's parentage has not affected your love for her. You are right, however. Sooner or later, Missy will have to learn the truth, if for no other reason than to get a complete medical history. Talk to your husband, and be certain the two of you agree on how to approach this. I suggest you start by discussing the matter with a family therapist and ask for his or her advice.
The important thing is to reassure Missy that you love her and she will always be your daughter. If she decides to learn more about her biological father, be supportive of her efforts, but do not pressure her.
My opinion : The child is nine-years-old - why would you tell her this right now ??? When she is older - yes ! Right now I would lay the ground work, tell her you love her for HERSELF, talk about adoption around her, build her self esteem.
AND get a lawyer. If the "relative" knows; it is no secret. I would want to know the legal issues before "mom" comes a-knocking. Here, if the couple is married - the husband's name is on the birth certificate. He can challange paternity if he chooses. If HE CLAIMS paternity - the law will recognise him as the father. PERIOD.