PDA

View Full Version : How to Torment Telemarketers(LONG)



cpbaby
07-07-2002, 04:35 PM
Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. Previously when
the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew, or
another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to
turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need
to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.

Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.
If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy
what you are selling.

Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can. For each
minute that you waste means several potential
customers that will not be reached. Make
Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases
the changes for them to make a sale.
Don't let this happen!

Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum
wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points,
and you were watching the Simpsons and weren't using your phone
anyway. It's easy to keep them interested using "attentive
grunting", similar to when your mother calls.

Scoring:

Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.
Getting transfered to someone who makes
more than minimum wage 15 pts
For each minute spent on the phone with
person making more than minimum wage 25 pts

Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the "script" 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each
Changing the subject 50 pts/each
Making the sales person angry 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts
Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
the salesman used profanity 1500 pts
Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts
Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as
a free "Phone Sex" line 50 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected 5000 pts

Example:
Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
and we're in your area [...]
[start clock->] Them: [...] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure...
Them: Well, we are currently offering [...]
Them: [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house?
[15 bonus pts!] Them: Let me transfer you to
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes?
[25 pts/min!] Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
[stupid ?] Me: It won't hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some
time!...] and is completely safe.
[stupid ?] Me: Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...]
[repeat!] Me: But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
include treating for pets?
Them: [...]
[subject change]Me: Well, it is kindof dirty. The guys were over
for the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs.
the Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't
that a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house...
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: [...]
[subject change]Me: Do you clean furniture, too? Those guys spilled
some beer. Have you smelled old beer on
furniture before? But what a game, eh?!
I couldn't believe that they couldn't move
the ball in the second quarter...
[...]
[angry???] Them: Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?

[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]

Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
hardwood floors here!
Them: Dammit!

Lasher
07-07-2002, 04:38 PM
ROFLMAO!!!

blackant
07-07-2002, 06:02 PM
LOL< that is to funnny!

tina z
07-07-2002, 07:36 PM
Good 'un. And to think I tell them to "let me check this out with my hubby" and lay the phone down and walk away (I hang the phone up 30 to 45 minutes later).:D :D :D

Okiechick
07-07-2002, 08:35 PM
LOL!

http://emoticons4u.com/crazy/1087.gif

Jolie Rouge
07-07-2002, 11:03 PM
This is priceless !

My usual tactic is to hand the phone to my son - he *loves* to talk ---"Do you have a dog ? We have two dogs thier names are Fluffy & Muffin and we have a cat named Killer but she has fleas and she keeps tyring to eat the fish in the bowl do you like fish our fish is named larry~bob 'cause we like veggietales and we couldn't agree on a name so my mom said to call him both and quit fighting or she would just as soon flush it down the toilet and then ..... MOM, they hung up !"

KrystallizedFlame
07-07-2002, 11:18 PM
LOL

Jolie Rouge
07-10-2002, 10:11 PM
I had to tell ya'll this ..

I thought this was so cute, I sen it to some F&F - this is the reply I got back from one of my brothers' :
I have tried similar tactics, though have never gotten the telemarketer mad at me. If they call and I have time on my hands, I just let them rattle on and on. And I ask stupid questions like: "Can you explain the pricing plans again please?" or "Can I use the money I save to buy an airplane ticket so my son can fly to see his grandparents? (I haven't done this since 9-11 though.)". Then when I've had enough, I say something like: "I just can't afford it." or "I have to go now; my wife is yelling at me." and hang up quickly.

I did actually make some money about 5 years ago when the telephone companies were trying to steal each other's customers. They would typically ask if my long distance charges were $25 or more per month. I would reply that they were a LOT more, like $300/month because my wife called her mom long distance two or three times a day. At that point, the telemarketer would offer me money (one time it was $100!) if I would switch right then. Which I would do. We changed long distance carriers often, about every month, in those days.

LOL !

kelblend
07-10-2002, 10:17 PM
Originally posted by cpbaby

Making the sales person angry 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts
Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
the salesman used profanity 1500 pts



roflmao!!!:D

MoOn-BaBy
07-10-2002, 10:23 PM
LMFAO!!!

wanted4all
11-27-2002, 09:29 AM
Just came across this one! ROFL!! Thought it could use a bump for all those Christmas Tellemarketers!

spongebob
11-27-2002, 12:38 PM
lol, i could of used this a couple days ago.. but i sounded like i was all upset.. and they hunged up on me..

Syrinx
11-27-2002, 05:37 PM
LOL!

But hey, make sure the person calling really is selling something before you try any of this! A friend of mine has a part time job calling people to conduct a survey for the local hospital, and you wouldn't believe how rude people get, even though the first thing she says is "I am not selling anything" and then asks if they have a few minutes to answer some questions about health care.

She says the ones she hangs up on immediately are the men who answer that they'll do the survey if she tells them what she's wearing :rolleyes: