Cafe' La Rouge Comedy Club

[Jolie Rouge]

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A
couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute". She said "What happened to 'beautiful?'
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"



A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied,
"Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take
care of expenses".

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means"

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to
you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard,
fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without'"

[flute]

I had not saw that first one LOL!!!!!

[Jolie Rouge]

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
- Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-@ss? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and
a nice Cuban cigar.
-- Santa

[marquez8370]

:D :D Thak you for the early morning jokes !! :D :D

[Jolie Rouge]

Well this shows you just how "smart" dem ol Cajuns are:

Da Cajun and da Donkey

Da Cajun, his name Jean Paul, moved to Arkansas and bought him a Donkey from an old farmer for $100. Da farmer agreed to deliver da donkey da next day.

Da next day, dat farmer drove up and said, "I'm Sorry, but I have some bad news... the donkey died just last night."

"Well, den, just give my money back yeah."

"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."

"OK, den. Just unload dat donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"

"Well dats where you wrong. You watch you an you learn how we Cajuns
so smart smart!"

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece
and made $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

[Jolie Rouge]

The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, simply - "Pope."

After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo -- and His
Holiness doesn't travel light -- the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph. "Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal.

Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor."

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."

[Jolie Rouge]

Things That Will Be Overheard in the Year 2999

"Thank you for calling Epson. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately... one... thousand... years...."

"Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3."

"Another Christmas like this, and Amazon.com just may turn a profit!"

"I found it on the Galactinet -- I think it's a picture of how humans used to reproduce."

"Hi, I'm Dick Clark, here to count you down into the new millennium!"

"I did *not* have cybersex with that netbot."

"Okay, I'll go over it one more time: It doesn't really start until January 1, *3001* because..."

"Middle East peace talks have been put on hold once again..."

"25,000 zelgers, same as on Mars."

"We at NASA cannot be discouraged by this recent failure, and we are fully confident that our next manned mission to Mars will be a complete success."

... and THE Number 1 Thing Overheard in the Year 2999...


"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Microsoft..."

[Jolie Rouge]

Case of the Pregnant lady ...

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I
just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED"

[Jolie Rouge]

JOKE: How did you know...?
http://www.top-greetings.com/A.py?R=20011219,08MH

CARTOON: Are my hands cold...?
http://www.top-greetings.com/art/381

USELESS FACT: What's the most remote island on Earth?
http://www.top-greetings.com/A.py?R=20011220,08MQ

JOKE: Plenty of excitement...
http://www.top-greetings.com/A.py?R=20011218,08KD

CARTOON: Military Christmas...
http://www.top-greetings.com/art/380

USELESS FACT: Were people ever really "tarred and feathered"?
http://www.top-greetings.com/A.py?R=20011219,08MO



You tell me - "What's your favorite ?"

[cpbaby]

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
You want to talk about excitement.....
I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!


:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[dream walker 2]

Jolie, I just love your jokes, I think I click on all your post to see if you have a joke on it. LOL

Please don't stop posting your jokes. they make my day.


Happy Holidays to you and yours.

:) :)

[Jolie Rouge]

Thank you , Dreamwalker, it is nice to know I am amusing someone besides myself :) ... :D :cool: :rolleyes:
This one is for you ... ;) :D :cool: :rolleyes:


A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus. When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?"

The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."

So the son turns to his father and asks the same question. The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."

So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"

The father draws himself up proudly, and says proudly, "Son, I've spoiled that woman." :D :cool: :rolleyes:

[marquez8370]

:D :D :D OH Hell Yeah !!!! :D :D :D Too Cute !!!! :D :D

[flute]

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jolie Rouge]

One day Father Boudreaux and Pastor Thibodeaux wus
fishin on the side of the road. Dey thoughtfully made a sign saying "The End is Near, Cher' ! Turn yurself 'Round now, before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.

Well dis one car dat passed didn't appreciate the sign and wus shouting at dem and hollin "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

Den all of a sudden dey heard a big splash and dey looked at each other and Fr. Boudreaux said ..... "ya think we shoulda just put a sign dat says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[Jolie Rouge]

LET'S PICK ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES ..........
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty.
We iron - they wrinkle.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
"I can do soo much better."

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

[jaybird]

There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting
to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge
of despair when he happened across a very charismatic
American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American,
who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he
would have it trained in a jiffy.

The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on.
The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give
a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch."
Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns.

The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet.
"Roll over," and the dog rolls over.

By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.

"Sure," replies the evangelist.

"Heel!" says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the
man's forehead and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."

[jaybird]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else,
you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he
heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," he thought. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Upon boarding the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. This thrilled him but since he was so shy he couldn't
bring himself to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it.
This is fantastic, the guy though, I'm really good at crosswords.
Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. He thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope he said,
"I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course, of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?" ((GROAN))

[Jolie Rouge]

Once upon a time,
In a land far away
A beautiful, independent,
Self assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said "Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am,
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes,
bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."


That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't freakin' think so."

[Jolie Rouge]

BAD HEADLINES : A fresh batch of supposedly true headlines from newspapers in the U.S. and around the world....

March Planned For Next August


Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip


L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide


Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through


Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et
Al.


Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"


Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest


Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters


Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based


Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store


Teacher Strikes Idle Kids


Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice


Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin


Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years


Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better


20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures


Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation


Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

[Jolie Rouge]

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle..... The bear drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly."

[Jolie Rouge]

WE ARE BACK TO PICKING ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES ..........

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

[Jolie Rouge]

A man was sitting in a bar in a very tall building. The drunk sitting down from him said, "You know, here the winds are so strong that you could jump out the window and before you hit the ground it will pick you up throw you back into your stool."

"Yeah, right." the man said.

"Don't believe me? Here I'll show you." And before he could be stopped, the drunk ran to the nearest window and jumped out. The man ran to the window and looked down. The drunk fell to the street and before he hit, WOOSH, he came back up and through the window landing back in his stool.

"That was amazing!"

"Watch, I'll do it again." And he did. "You try it, now."

"I don't know"

"Come on, do it!"

The man downed his drink and jumped out the window. And hit the ground.

The drunk walked back to his seat laughing.

The bartender said, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."

[Jolie Rouge]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective
seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed
the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor
came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and
said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket
in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy
a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed
accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.
The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left
his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants
were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

[Jolie Rouge]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
The reccomended grace before a mealis not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Wonder what brand of Vodka he was drinking ?

[Jolie Rouge]

Everything I Know, Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark....

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs;
the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you (ALL).

[worldofdan]

Thank you Jolie,

How are you doing???? How is the new computer?? I will talk to you later...

[Jolie Rouge]

Hey sweetie ! No haven't set up the new 'puter yet - got my wisdom tooth pulled instead :( But, I still found ya'll some cute ones :

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes sir, this IS a Union House. "

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00"

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, "but according to the Union rules, Ethel here has Seniority."

[Jolie Rouge]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, Touchdown,
I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal,
I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman,
so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides.

[Jolie Rouge]

Al's barn burned down, and, Mary, his wife, called
the insurance company. "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand
and I want my money."
The agent said, "Now just a minute, Mary, it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Mary, after a pause replied : "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

29/206

[Jolie Rouge]

There was this truck driver who had to deliver five
hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $5,000 to take the penguins to the state zoo for him. The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking single file behind him. The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on? I gave you $5,000 to take these
penguins to the zoo!"

The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local
biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies "Yep ...my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table.

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least
4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool.

The biker is very impressed and asks,"You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?

The little old lady says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my
t!ts a few times.

[Jolie Rouge]

{{{{Jolie drags Mewoman in from another thread; pushes her in front of a Brick Wall and tosses her a microphone... "You're On !" }}}}}


"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneres

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." - George Carlin

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." - Steve Martin

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." - Les Dawson

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..." - Steven Wright

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." - Robin Williams

Mom is always right...and if she isn't, it doesn't matter...she is mom and is always right....

[Jolie Rouge]

okay - is this "joke" A) funny; B) racist C) stupid

you tell me :

Yesterday, I was on the bus traveling home from work. A man of Arabic appearance got off at the stop before mine and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of banknotes and white powder. He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you and your friends: Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Cleveland."

I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered.

"No, sir," he whispered back. "It sucks --- a real hole."

[Jolie Rouge]

It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last, but not least, I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!

[Jolie Rouge]

One day Boudreaux, him, he was sittin in his coffee shop, drinkin a chicory, wen dis grate big fella come in and knocks him off da stool. The big fella say, "Dat was a karate chop frum Korea."

Boudreaux, him, he don't say nuttin, he jus get back on his stool an take anudder drink frum his chicory. WHAM !, da big fella knock Boudreaux down agin an say, "Dat was a judo chop frum Japan."

Boudreaux still don't say nuttin, he jus get up an walk out of dat coffee shop. Bout a hour later, Boudreaux come back in an witout sayinnuttin, he walk up to dat big fella an WHACK ! He knock dat big fella off his stool an knock him out cold. Den Boudreaux tell da manager, "Mais, wen he wake tell him dat was a crowbar from Home Depot!"

[Jolie Rouge]

THE DEAD CAT TEST - Out of the mouths of babes comes the Dead Cat Test, a true story:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?² she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?² the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."

[Jolie Rouge]

((((Jolie pushes a VERY CONFUSED Freebigrl in front of a Brick Wall and tosses her a microphone... ))))

* The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol level.

* I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

* If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" written on it. I said, "Implants?"

* I don't do drugs anymore, cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

* Sign in a pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport "the terminal"?

* I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

* The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

* There are two sides to every divorce: Yours, and ****head's.

* If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make bloody marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now that's a message!

* I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

* Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

* Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

* Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
(A Salted)

* How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for Miss America?

* Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

* Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

* Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

* The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage
disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in this world.

* Snowmen fall from the sky........ unassembled.

* Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear mom's wise words:
- Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

* There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

* When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* A penny saved is a government oversight.

* The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

* The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

* Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

* Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

* How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.

* Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

* Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

* If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

* Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

* Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

* I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

* If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

* Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

* You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because
you stop laughing.

* Dogs have owners. Cats have staffs.

* We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust
our sails.

* If the shoe fits......buy it in every color (YES!)

"Learn to love the journey, not the destination. This is not a dress
rehearsal, and today is the only guarantee you get."

[Jolie Rouge]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[worldofdan]

That was so funny!! Jolie, you are hilarious!!!

[Jolie Rouge]

Thanks W-O'-D; it's lonely in here sometimes ....


A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[worldofdan]

"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the
young boys at the club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the little old man.

"Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

[worldofdan]

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.

He says to the bartender: "A pint for me, and one for the road."

[worldofdan]

AND YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY!
author unknown

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In
block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as
the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more
and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I
discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than
carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the
sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500
pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting
form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the
ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the
rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the
building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This
explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I
continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand
were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had
regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in
spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the
bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again
to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid
descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower
body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae
were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the
bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above -
I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope!

[worldofdan]

DEEP THOUGHTS

1 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2 A day without sunshine is, like, night.
3 On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4 Getting lost in thought may put you in unfamiliar territory.
5 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 Perhaps you're diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
8 Remember, half the people you know are below average.
9 Despite the high cost of living, it's still extremely popular.
10 He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11 The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12 Drive way too fast and you don't have to worry about cholesterol.
13 If you intend to live forever, so far, so good.
14 Borrow money only from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
15 Support bacteria; they're the only culture some people have.
16 If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence.
17 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
18 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19 For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
21 No one is listening until you make a mistake.
22 Success always occurs in private; failure, in full view.
23 The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
24 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
25 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
26 To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
27 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
28 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
29 A clear conscience is frequently the sign of a bad memory.
30 If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
31 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

[worldofdan]

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood Sunday evening. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls, and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to a nice restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he just said ,"no". But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and by now I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So, I tried again to get h! im to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about ten minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards, I just wanted to confront him, but instead cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I think he is seeing someone else!

HIS STORY

The Lions lost again. Got laid though.

[worldofdan]

Since Jolie wanted to pick on men instead of blondes, I thought I would pick on the blondes!! Jolie, I hope that you feel better from getting that wisdom tooth pulled!!!

She was so Blonde that she:
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per
pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets.
11. Hates M&Ms because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained
that the other swimmers were using their arms.
15. Took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
16. Sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
17. Thought a quarterback was a refund.
18. Tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
19. Thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
20. Thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
21. Thought General Motors was in the army.
22. Thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
23. Thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
24. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On
Phonics."
25. Tripped over a cordless phone.
26. Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"concentrate."
27. Told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
28. At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
29. Asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
30. studied for a blood test.
31. Thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
32. Sold the car for gas money!
33. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
34. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left," she turned around and went home.
35. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.
36. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
37. If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
38. Thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
39. Had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."

[worldofdan]

Since I am from MI. I had to put this on in there!! Sorry to all you Michigander's out there!! LOL!! :D :D

If you're from Michigan chances are...
- You've never met any celebrities.
- "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.
- You measure distance in minutes.
- You know several people who have hit a deer.
- Your school classes were canceled because of snow.
- You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
- You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
-You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
"Where's my coat at?" or "If you go I wanna go with."
- All the festivals across the state are named after fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
- You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
- You carry jumper cables in your car.
- You know more about wind chill factors and lake effect snow than you'd like to.
- You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You think everyone from other cities have accents.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
- You think that deer season is a national holiday.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, Hotter than Hell, and Construction.
- There is a McDonalds in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Michigan.

HUGS TO ALL!!
;) ;) :o :D :p :cool: :D

[Jcowgirl77]

THANKS EVERYONE FOR THE MORNING JOKES

[Jolie Rouge]

Thanks 'Dan ! I'm feeling much better now !

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh!t!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh!t!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin,
"This really is great sh!t."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh!t."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh!t is this?"

lovingly sent to me by one of my friends who is (of course), a Marine.

[Jolie Rouge]

A car is driving down the road. It contains an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. After travelling a few miles without incident, the car loses its momentum and rolls to a silent stop. Sensing some kind of problem, the electrical engineer announces: "I think there's a problem with the wiring. I'm going to take the dashboard off and check the connections under the bonnet."

"I disagree" replies the chemical engineer, "I think there's a chemical imbalance in the petrol. Let me take a sample of the petrol and I'll do some tests on it and see if the problem lies there."

"I have an even better idea" suggests the Microsoft engineer. "Let's close the windows, get out, get back in again, re-open the windows and then see if it runs!"

[Jolie Rouge]

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500." said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"



During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see
a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my wife!"

[kelblend]

Hope you don't mind my throwin in one???

Too Funny

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... true
story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too........ they were laughing so hard!
:eek:

[Jolie Rouge]

Post away ! Hasn't anyone one noticed me "kidnapping" from other threads ??? It gets *sooo* lonely all by myself :( ...
Cute joke !

[Jolie Rouge]

Andy Rooney-isms:

On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them.
I have a plan to get back at them. I am going toput garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels ... I would write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me: (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes". "For Cripes sake." Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

[Jolie Rouge]

Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified


Resolves to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."

His number one choice to work on his cabinet ?
"That Bob Vila guy."

Doesn't seem to understand that having been "held prisoner" in county lockup for two days for public urination does *not* make him a war hero.

Occasionally stops campaign speeches to ask, "Hey! Who's frying balogna in here?"

Supports NRA, because "'Straight Outta Compton' was dope!"

Outstanding record as governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.

Still asks "The state or the DC thingie?" anytime somebody mentions Washington.

At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"

Attempts to use a lifeline on the very first question of the debate.

Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"

..... and THE Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under Qualified ...

At press conferences, only calls on "the hot chick in the red dress" and "the whiny Jew in the back."

[Jolie Rouge]

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Perfect breasts (o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )

Perky breasts (*)(*)

Big nipple breasts (@)(@)

A cups o o

D cups { O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts (oYo)

Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts (o)(O)

Pierced Breasts (Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )

Android Breasts | o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)

[Jolie Rouge]

Boudreaux was sitting quietly eating cracklin when his wife snuck up behind him and hit him on the head with a cast iron skillet. "Why you do dat, huh!!?" screamed Boudreaux.
"Dat's for dat piece of paper in you pocket with the name "Marylou" wrote on it," she replied.
Boudreaux explained, "Two weeks ago when I went to dat track, Marylou she was the horse wot I bet on!" Ms. Boudreaux seemed satisfied and remorseful, apologized, and went off to work around the house.
Three days later he was again sitting in his chair eating boudin this time. "SMACK"! Ms. Boudreaux nailed him with a gumbo pot, knocking him out cold.
When Boudreax came to, he said, "Wot the hell was dat for?"
"Your horse is on the phone."

[Jolie Rouge]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by." A few minutes passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" The startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"



Am I doing this for anyone's amusement besides my own ?

[Jolie Rouge]

Two tourist groups, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a day trip in London. The brunettes ride in the bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level. The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette says, "What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

[the fugative]

Am I doing this for anyone's amusement besides my own ?

{{{JOLIE}}} I read it everytime you post these make me smile & chuckle

[Jolie Rouge]

"In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their @ss was too fat, 15 percent said their @ss was too thin and the other five percent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway!!"

[Jolie Rouge]

Just when you think the world is getting a little smarter.........


Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.


Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.


Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America andcrossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign.
He probably couldn't read it anyway.


Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking
about)!


Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Remind me to have more signs printed up.
Give this guy his!


Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't need a sign; he probably figured it out himself.


Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Oh, that smarts.
Give him his sign!


Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.





(Please note that these people are allowed to vote!)



(Not only that but they are allowed to reproduce!)

[Jolie Rouge]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."



A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."



A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"



A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."




The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play Doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company"



A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them? I get paid by the hour."

[Jolie Rouge]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. "

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[Jolie Rouge]

Rejected Titles for the Next "Harry Potter" Book (Part I)

Harry Potter and the Naughty Schoolmarm, Mrs. Letourneau

Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love

Harry Potter and the Revenge of Montezuma

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer from NAMBLA

Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch

Harry Potter and the Decline of Literacy

Harry Potter and the Sticky March Issue of "Hustler"

Harry Potter and the Sorceress's Sore

Harriet Potter After the Life-Altering Surgery

Harry Potter and the Curse of the Lisp

Harry Potter and the Inflatable Sheep

Harry Potter and Spinning Grave of Tolkien

Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia

Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony

Harry Potter and the Over-Hyped Children's Author and Clever Marketing Campaign

... and THE Number 1 Rejected Title for the Next "Harry Potter" Book...

Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues

[Jolie Rouge]

Signs Your Website Was Hacked by Dumb Guys

They brag about stealing all the software off your site, www.freeware.com.

"Feedback on my hacking? E-mail me at the address below."

The end of their political message reads, "This hack best viewed with Internet Explorer 4.0 or above."

HTML-impaired vandals resort to TP'ing your server.

After hacking in, they improved security so much they felt compelled to turn themselves in.

Their lone devious act of "vandalism" was to correct all your spelling errors.

When eBay comes back online, the entire auction consists of a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons crap being sold by four geeks in Poughkeepsie.

"GREG W. BUSH FOR PRESIDENT! GREG W. BUSH FOR PRESIDENT!"

The KKK logo they left uses white letters on a white background.

Pamela Lee has clothes on now.

"pHaNtOm" tried to disable your retail website by using his American Express platinum card to purchase your entire inventory.

Someone broke into your credit card database and stole 400,000 middle initials.

Hacked into www.Playboy.com just to read the articles.

Calls himself "Dr. Evil" and demands that he will unleash an attack on the entire world and bring the internet to a screeching halt unless he receives $100 "in small bills."

[Jolie Rouge]

Rejected Titles for the Next "Harry Potter" Book (Part II)

Harry Potter and the Well-Deserved @ss-Kicking

Harry Potter and the Thousand-Dollar-a-Day Heroin Habit

Harry Potter and the *Action* *Figure* *You* *MUST * *Buy* *Right* Now*

Harry Potter and the Vacation in Salem

Harry Potter and the Perils of Neverland

Harry Potter and His Discernibly Turgid State

Harry Potter and the Homoerotic Leitmotif

Harry Potter and the Horse He Rode in On

Harry Potter and the Mustang Ranch

Harry Potter and the Chambers of Marilyn

Harry Potter and the Bath House of Secret Touches

Harry Potter and the Hey, Oprah, Pick Me For Your Book Club!

Harry Potter and the Can Of Whup-@ss

Harry Potter and the Grassy Knoll

Harry Potter and the Long Night With a Britney Spears Poster and a Flashlight

... and THE Number 1 Rejected Title for the Next "Harry Potter" Book...

Harry Potter and the Little Kid Who Died From Not Reading This Book

[lovethosefreebies]

A little old lady goes to her doctor and says you have to help me. Her doctor asks what the problem is. The little old lady explains, lately I just can't seem to quit farting, thank God they don't smell or make any noise. Fact is she continues, I ripped off three farts since I started talking to you. The doctor after hearing her problem, gives her a bottle of pills and tells her to take six pills each day and return in one week. A week later the lady returns and shes peeved. She says thanks alot doc, I fart as much as ever and now they stink to high heaven. The doctor replies well now that we have your sinuses cleard we will start working on your hearing.

[Jolie Rouge]

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?", asks the cop.
> > >
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> > >And she said...(scroll down)
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> > >"Those are my emergency flashers!"

[Jolie Rouge]

The older priest, speaking to the younger priest said,
"I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four rows of pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll
gospel choir, that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I started that!"


"I know, my son, but that flashing "TOOT 'n TELL or GO TO H3LL" neon sign really has to go.

[Jolie Rouge]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,"Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish upbringing. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Gentleman!" Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Rhett."

[Jolie Rouge]

President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?"

Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WWIII."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass? I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis."


;) :) ;) "In appreciation of the care Picabo Street received when she was injured, the skier donated money to build a new Intensive Care Unit at the local hospital," writes the Wall Street Journal. "In honor of her donation, the new facility was to be named the 'Picabo ICU.'" ;) :) ;)

[Jolie Rouge]

Scientists at Health Canada recently reported the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men cease their beer consumption. Their theory is that drinking beer turns men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men:

-- gained weight,
-- talked excessively without making sense,
-- became overly emotional,
-- couldn't drive,
-- failed to think rationally,
-- argued over nothing,
-- had to sit down to pee,
-- and refused to apologize when wrong.



When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[Jolie Rouge]

The Ant & the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit, the Frog, appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome."

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once-peaceful neighborhood.

[Jolie Rouge]

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.







But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free ...
you either married it or gave birth to it.

[Jolie Rouge]

500 VIEWS !!!!
500 VIEWS !!!!
500 VIEWS !!!!
500 VIEWS !!!!
500 VIEWS !!!!
500 VIEWS !!!!
500 VIEWS !!!!
500 VIEWS !!!!

:) :D ;) :p :cool: :rolleyes: :) :D ;) :p :cool: :rolleyes: :)

[Jolie Rouge]

Definitions:

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in mid-air, "See? I am not injured yet."

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest -- except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.






Goodnight everybody ! Try the veal ....

[Jolie Rouge]

Movies Starring William Shatner's Toupee

Beverly Hills Mop

Star Trek IX: It's Hair, Jim -- But Not As We Know It

A Rug's Life

GalaxyNest!

Rocky the Flying Squirrel vs. Kirk the Balding Captain

Curl, Interrupted

Saving Private Rogaine

Pokemon II: Birth of Toupeechu

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Bald

Dome and Domer

Con Hair

Honey, I Shaved My @ss and Made A Hairpiece!

A Merkin'd Beauty

... and THE Number 1 Movie Starring William Shatner's Toupee...

The Hair Switch Project





Did you see him on "Millionaire" the other night ? BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !

[Jolie Rouge]

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is,it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world -- there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."


A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

Sunday after church a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

[Jolie Rouge]

TY * Fugie ;)

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your
Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
"I don't have any."
"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how
a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived the S*O*B's."
;-)

[Jolie Rouge]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[Jolie Rouge]

Dear Abby printed a column with these humorous examples to explain some fairly complex political concepts :

Socialism : You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor.

Communism : You have two cows. Give both cows to the Goverment and they *may* give you some of the milk.

Fascism : You have two cows. You give all of the milk to the Goverment and the Govermant sells it.

Nazism : You have two cows. The Goverment shoots you and takes both cows.

Anarchism : You have two cows. Keep both cows, shoot the Goverment agent and steal another cow.

Capitalism : You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull.

Surrealism : You have two giraffes. The Goverment makes you learn to play the harmonica.

[Jolie Rouge]

Bovine Politics

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a heard of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who only has one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blonde, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run 100 miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown cow the best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the heard, so you pick some fat brown cow from Arkansas.

[car64683]

LOL @ JOLIE!!!!
keep em comin!
{{{jolie}}}

[Jolie Rouge]

LET'S PICK ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES ..........


What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before
creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

[Jolie Rouge]

Over 600 Views !!
Over 600 Views !!
Over 600 Views !!
Over 600 Views !!
Over 600 Views !!
Over 600 Views !!
Over 600 Views !!
Over 600 Views !!

[Jolie Rouge]

POLITICALLY CORRECT GUIDE TO MEN

He does not have a beer gut;
he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet;
he is a Conversational Minimalist.

He does not get lost all the time;
he discovers Alternative Destinations.

You do not buy him a drink;
you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.

He does not fart and belch;
he is Gastronomically Expressive.

He is not a redneck;
he is a Genetically-Related American.

He is not a cradle robber;
he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not have a rich daddy;
he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not hog the blankets;
he is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig;
he has Swine Empathy.

He is not afraid of commitment;
he is Monogamously Challenged

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's
penis?
A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling
your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of
their
decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to
fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to
pick only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to instructions

[Jolie Rouge]

What Do Women Want?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.
In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed,

... and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her(when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH (and proud of it !) :)

[Jolie Rouge]

You can do it with your clothes on.

You don't have to "practice", its always safe.

You never have to look good when you do it.

It's not unusual to be watched doing it by yourself.

It's no big deal to do it with someone you just met.

You're not a wierdo when you do it with family members.

You ALWAYS feel good after you do it.

You can do it with anyone and still remain "just friends".

And, if you get a virus, its not fatal. :)

[Jolie Rouge]

I got the following words from one of my co-workers. they are simple but nice. so here they are:

I love you not because of who you are,
but because of who I am when I am with you.

No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.


The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.


Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.


To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.


Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.



Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.


Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.


There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.


Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.


Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.


REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

[Jolie Rouge]

Differences in the WWF's Now Defunct Football League

Two-point conversion now involves a tire iron, a bicycle chain and a sixteen-foot banquet table.

Challenged rulings are reviewed by the Kansas State Board of Education.

All that murder, spousal abuse, solicitation, drug abuse, assault and spoiled rich athlete stuff? Staged.

Helmets and shoulder pads? THEY'RE FOR WUSSES!!!

XFL sponsors the Punch, Whup @ss, and Kick-to-the-Groin competition for kids.

Winning coach's "Gatorade shower" replaced with folding chair over the head of the losing coach.

"Stone Cold Steve Long-Snapper" not nearly as popular as he used to be.

Sudden death now involves copious amounts of fake blood.

NFL: A mass of Neanderthals with an IQ near zero.
XFL: A mass of Neanderthals with an IQ below zero.

Due to use of steel cage, pre-game coin toss is much bloodier than NFL counterpart.

Field goal: 3 points.
Kicking opposing QB's head through goalposts: 12 points.

During the championship game's halftime show, thousands cheer wildly as Whitney Houston is given a piledriver.

... and THE Number 1 Difference in the WWF's New Football League...

Less foot, more balls.

[Jolie Rouge]

Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him. "I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of humor," Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny."

Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm sure you'll make some guy very happy some day," she smiled and blushed a little, "then, he'll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way out."
ZING !!


A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says,
"Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"

ZING !!



Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
ZING !!


Your proctologist called . They just found your head!"

ZING !!

[Jolie Rouge]

Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is, "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."

"Wrong! You are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.

Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second Blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

Then the third blonde continues, "... Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

[the fugative]

:eek: ROTFLMAO :eek:


Didn't see that one coming!! :p

[car64683]

Originally posted by Jolie Rouge
Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is, "What is Easter"?...

..."Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

Then the third blonde continues, "... Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

ROFLMAO
good one!!!!!

[Jolie Rouge]

Bugs in Windows ME

Every time you hit the space bar, hundreds of Ritz crackers fly out of the CD-ROM drive.

The so-called "help" file is really just a collection of lame "Chicken Soup for the Soul" anecdotes.

Refuses to install new programs until you've achieved "clear" status.

You hit "delete" and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque. <<<<KEWL!>>>>

In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, "It looks like you're trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?"

Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France.

Dreaded "Blue Screen of Death" replaced by less fearsome "Hamster Dance Screen of Death."

Too easy to win new "Whack-a-Reno" game.

Default search options include "Body Cavity Search."

Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars Lander.

.... and THE Number 1 Bug in Windows ME ...

Changes ".gov" domain to ".bite-me" domain every time.

[the fugative]

:D


Bugs in Windows ME

Every time you hit the space bar, hundreds of Ritz crackers fly out of the CD-ROM drive.

mine don't fly Hmmm too much peanut butter perhaps ;)


The so-called "help" file is really just a collection of lame "Chicken Soup for the Soul" anecdotes.

:eek:

Refuses to install new programs until you've achieved "clear" status.

I'm just not that transparent :p

You hit "delete" and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque. <<<<KEWL!>>>>

KEWL!! :D

In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, "It looks like you're trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?"

Beam Me Up Scottie

Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France.

Is that a Good or Bad thing?

Dreaded "Blue Screen of Death" replaced by less fearsome "Hamster Dance Screen of Death."

:eek:

Too easy to win new "Whack-a-Reno" game.

DARN

Default search options include "Body Cavity Search."

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars Lander.

Is that a Standard or Metric Bin? ;)

.... and THE Number 1 Bug in Windows ME ...

Changes ".gov" domain to ".bite-me" domain every time.

[b] :D :eek: Kewl:eek: :D


:D ;) :p

[worldofdan]

:D I got this one from my not so secret pal!:D

Outhouse


Once there was a little boy and his family who lived in
the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little
boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the
winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on
the bank of the creek, and the boy determined that, one day
he would push the outhouse into the creek. On a day after a
spring rain, the creek was so swollen, the little boy decided
today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he
got a large stick and started pushing. Finally the outhouse
toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his Dad
told him that they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing this meant a spanking, the little boy asked why?
Dad replied "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today,
It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered "Yes." Then he
thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that
George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
into trouble because he told the truth." Dad replied,
"Well son George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!

:D

[Jolie Rouge]

;)DA DA DA TAH DA ! (Imagine trumpet fanfare here !)DA DA DA TAH DA !

You made the 100Th post in my thread !
You win a prize !
Watch your mailbox!

(actually, I mailed something to you yesterday - we'll just pretend it is a prize. SSHHH. Our little secret... ;)


A long time ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly man named Moshe to represent them. Rabbi Moshe did not speak Latin. In fact, he knew very little, but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community.

The Pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Moshe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.

Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Moshe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals gathered all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolved us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moshe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moshe, "first he says to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here. 'So I said to him, "'Up yours.' Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Pope, the Jews stay right here.

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[songbird99]

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

A WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweetie) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the
club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who
identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted
his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient
with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice
is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets
this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to
work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine-which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun-like a root
canal or a hysterectomy.

[worldofdan]

SO YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH ENOUGH TO GO THROUGH AND
TRY TO LEARN ENGLISH...

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse
at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in
hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't
invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't
it
seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a
bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call
it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

[the fugative]

:p


Never Kiss a Nun



A Cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me," he says.

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
Number 1, you have to be single and number 2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"OK," the nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my
way to a Halloween Party.

:p ;) :D

[car64683]

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down.
He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "YOU NEED MORE TAIL!"

The man turns with a confused look on his face and Says, "Make up your mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"


:eek: :eek: ;) :eek: :eek: :D

[the fugative]

:D

Two Little Boys In The Hospital


Two little boys are in a hospital and are lying next to each
other. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here
for?"

The second replies, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had
that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up
they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of
cake!"

The second boy then asks, "What are you in here for?"

The first boy replies, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I
couldn't walk for a year!!!"



:p ;) :D

[the fugative]

:D

Imponderables

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What happens if you open it somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?







:p ;) :D

[Jolie Rouge]

Welcome to the Club, Fugie !

Things Overheard at Last Year's Grammy Awards

"I had no idea Alan Keyes was one of Dixie Chicks."

"Geez, it looks like a Roman Polanski wet dream in here."

"And now, presenting the award for Best Foreign Language Recording, Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker!"

"We've got you surrounded! Drop the gun and step away from the podium, Mr. Combs!"

"Yes, I used to be Tiffany. Shall I check your coat?"

"Coming up next on CBS: 'Who Wants to Marry David Lee Roth?'"

"As a physicist I wouldn't have thought it possible, but Mariah just sucked all the talent right out the room."

"Kriss! Kross! Vanilla Ice! You guys get over here and clean up this spill!"

"Excuse me, Sir Elton -- have you seen Miss O'Donnell's corset?"

"Don't touch that glass!! I think it's David Crosby's."

"Alright, East Coast rappers and West Coast rappers -- group hug time!!"

"Run, Rosie, run! Selleck's here, and he's packing heat!!"

"Would the owner of the glasses with the initials 'E.J.' in rhinestones please return to the stage piano to claim them..."

"I'm sorry, those two seats are reserved for Ms. Lopez."

... and THE Number 1 Thing Overheard at Last Year's Grammy Awards...

"Officer, it all started when Britney lifted her blouse and taunted Christina, 'Neener, neener, neener!'"

[Jolie Rouge]

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end
of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
:eek: :eek: :eek:

[Jolie Rouge]

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what
did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma
Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you
bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

[the fugative]

The blind daters ........ :p





Well according to the
box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."


:p ;) :D LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL :p ;) :D

[the fugative]

:p

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator


Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.


Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.


Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"


Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.


Sell Girl Scout cookies.


On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.


Shave.


Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"


Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.


Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.


When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.


Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"


Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.


One word: Flatulence!


On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.


Do Tai Chi exercises.


Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"


When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"


Give religious tracts to each passenger.


Meow occassionally.


Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.


Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.


Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.


Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.


Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.


Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.


Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"


Leave a box between the doors.


Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.


Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.


Start a sing-along.


When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"


Play the harmonica.


Shadow box.


Say "Ding!" at each floor.


Lean against the button panel.


Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.


Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.


Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."


Bring a chair along.


Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"


Blow spit bubbles.


Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.


Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."


Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.


Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.


Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.


Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."


If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

[Jolie Rouge]

Those are so funny - because I have actually done a few of them !
There are social mores to be observed in these situations, and it is fun to watch people when you refuse to conform. ( I DO NOT recomemd the experiment at the court house - security there has NO sense of humor.) Have done some at some very nice hotels - if you get busted there, tell them you are doing a psych experiment for class - they will let you off with a warning if you promise to stop. If you try it at the university, everyone else starts doing the same; really kills the novelty factor... :)

Told you I had an odd sense of humor !

[Jolie Rouge]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the
bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

[Jolie Rouge]

Classified ads:
===============

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----------------------------------

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-----------------------------

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------------------------------

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-------------------------------------

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-----------------------------------

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----------------------------

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.


-------------------------------

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-----------------------------------

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-------------------------------------

HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

[Jolie Rouge]

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said,
"Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since December."

[Jolie Rouge]

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money ? Where did it come from ?"

Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

---------------------------

An Eskimo has his snowmobile breakdown while riding past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair shop and is told to come back in about an hour. When he come back, the mechanic say "It looks like you have blown a seal"

The Eskimo says "No, that's just a little frost on my moustache."

[Jolie Rouge]

Things You Don't Want to Hear on a First Date

"No salad for me, but I'll have a couple of those mega-burritos."

"You look so much better in person then you do on the company's hidden bathroom web-cam."

"Okay, here's the plan: After you get into the movie, open the fire door and bang! We save 8 bucks that we can use later on at Wendy's!"

"You think I look good NOW? Honey, I'll look even better when they finish the surgery!"

"I did *not* have sexual relations with that President, Mr. Clinton."

"Hey, wanna hear your name in Klingon?"

"It looks like you weren't able to cover up that zit with makeup. Can I pop it for you?"

"I do, Mr. Multimillionaire."

"Sorry about the cell phone in the theater, but my wife could go into labor any minute now."

"Why don't you want to go to Hooters? What're you, a feminist or something?"

"My imaginary friend wants to know how you feel about threesomes."

"Don't worry about protection, silly -- I'm *already* pregnant."

"Mind getting on top? My nose is running."

"It seems like only yesterday that Satan welded my crotch shut."

"Heads up, Hon -- I *always* get lucky when I'm wearing my Hulk Underoos."

...and THE Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear on a First Date...

"How strange -- you kiss just like your Dad!"




feel free to comment or add your own "worst first/blind date" tales .....

[the fugative]

:p


got E-Mailed these thought I would share.



Six Louisiana Driving Rules:

1-A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2-Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Louisiana driver
never uses them. Use of them in New Orleans may be illegal.

3-Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4-Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going with the flow."

5-The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.

6-Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.


################################################## #####
SOUTHERN ADVICE

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, 'er ya?

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever
say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.

The North has Cream of Wheat. The South has grits.

The North has green salads. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had
kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.


:p ;) :D

[the fugative]

:p

The Human Race Can We Be Saved? (Should We?)


In case you needed further proof that the human race is
doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods.

On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)


On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?)


On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . . ?!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
( I should hope so....)


On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)


On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)


On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands ."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My good god!)

:p ;) :D

[Jolie Rouge]

LOL ! True ! All TRUE !! :)

But this is my favorite :
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

[Jolie Rouge]

Quotes From Sports Commentators

Ted Walsh, horse-racing commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter: "Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing -- but none of them serious."

Terry Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"

Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it -- you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter, BBC-TV boat race, 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

U.S. TV commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[Jolie Rouge]

Admit it -- never once have you contemplated the inner psyches of the poor souls who work in warranty-writing departments. They turn out to be filled with inner rage. (Thanks ---- ; we have a sinking feeling Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry had something to do with it. Any confirmation?)

READ THIS FIRST :
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD," THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertantly bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift. WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17-inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: you should IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." WARNING : This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE. INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. By making the surface honorable, let's start! If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case. WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

[Jolie Rouge]

The Borg versus Microsoft Star Trek Lost Episodes transcript

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late 20th-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows,' through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade.' The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

Fifteen minutes later . . .

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85 percent of all resources. We, however, have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade.'"

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade.' Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ... "

Geordi, excited: "Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0 percent!"

Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Two hours pass ...

Riker: "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack.'"

Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of six more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker: "Good God, captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?"

Data: "I don't believe those are humans, sir. If you will look closer, I believe you will see they are carrying something recognized by 21st century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

Riker and Picard, together, horrified: "Lawyers!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape.' I understand that it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch. Not even the Borg deserve that."

[Jolie Rouge]

Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red mark on his cheek. Bo Derek thought: "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

Janet Reno thought: "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thought: "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thought: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

Sinful Sisters:
Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly. So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

[Jolie Rouge]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."


A criminal lawyer, Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult circumstances. So it was he that Milliken hired when he was accused of grand theft auto. And it was Milliken who walked out of the courtroom a free man, after a lengthy trial and some brilliant footwork on Robinson's part. The very next day Milliken appeared in the chambers of the judge who had presided over his trial and demanded a warrant for Robinson's arrest.

"Why on Earth do you want him arrested?" asked the judge. "He got you off, didn't he?"

"Yeah," conceded Milliken, "but when I didn't have enough money to pay his fee, the S*O*B drove off in that car I stole!"

[the fugative]

:D




It all adds up~~~~
This proves something...I always knew to be so !

We have all been to those meetings
where someone wants 100 percent.

How about achieving 103 percent ?

Here's a little math
that might prove helpful in the future.

What makes life 100 percent ?

If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

can be represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = only 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = only 96%

BUT,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and,
B * L L S H * T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So,it stands to reason
that Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close,
but Attitude and B*llsh*t will put you over the top.

;)

[Jolie Rouge]

900 Views !!
900 Views !!
900 Views !!
900 Views !!
900 Views !!
900 Views !!
900 Views !!
900 Views !!

[Jolie Rouge]

From the Washington Post , in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice, and explain their reasons.
The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE-male. Even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

TIRE-male. It goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male. To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it.

SPONGES-female. They are soft and squeezable, and they retain water.

WEB PAGE-female. It is always getting hit on.

SHOE-male. It is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER-female. Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS-male. They hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY-male. It uses the same old lines to pick up people.

HOURGLASS-female. Over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER-male. It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL-female. Ha! ... you thought it would be male. But consider this: it gives man pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying and trying and trying ......

[Jolie Rouge]

Looking forward to St. Patrick's Day !

Least Popular Microbrews

Beatle Brewery Twist and Stout

Chippendale's Frail Male Ale

AOL e-beer

Carwash Runoff Porter

Busta Nut Brown Ale

Pantiesoff Stout

Pete's Wicked Mother-in-Law Broke The Equipment So This Is Just Sparkling Water For Now Until We Can Get It Fixed

McVeigh Chock-Full-O'-Nitrites Lager

G.W. Busch Lite

St. Paulie She-Male Ale ("You never forget your first She-Male.")

Brooke Shield's Monobrau

Paler-Than-Keith-Richards Pale Ale

Captain's Lager (Star-Dated for Freshness!)

Hammered and Nailed DUI Stout

.... and THE Number 1 Least Popular Microbrew...

Extra Bitter Natural Blonde

[the fugative]

:p



The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he was sick, as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and it turned out she was an engineer-in-training and she asked me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

:p

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
:p

17 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME YEARS TO LEARN


1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

17. Your friends love you, anyway.




:p

[Jolie Rouge]

There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again. He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"

His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"

The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning and I'm still blind!"

And his mom says....... "I know, - April Fools!!"

sounds like something my mom would do ....


A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.

She said,"That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal... "

[Jolie Rouge]

Signs You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire (Part I)

Most people named Bubba haven't made it past "thousandaire."

He tells you that "finances are very complicated and you shouldn't worry your pretty little head about it," but you still don't see how a "liquidity problem" makes a millionaire drive a Ford Fiesta.

Guy in a limo asks you for Grey Poupon at the red light, but all you can find is an empty Yoo-Hoo bottle and some packets of Taco Bell hot sauce.

Got Silk?

You soon learn that "liquid assets" refers to the cash he gets from selling his blood.

Millionaire: money coming out the wazoo.
Your spouse: fermented by-products of the improper digestion of canned pork & beans coming out the wazoo.

His "special imported caviar" looks suspiciously like Cheez Whiz and ground up Beer Nuts.

The pre-nup says he gets to keep the Chia Pets.

As you reach for the fancy canned peas, he gently steers you toward the "stunning neo-minimalist earthen packaging" of the generic brand.

The financial news report came on while you were making love in the living room, and he didn't miss a beat.

He winces visibly when you insist on supersizing your dinner.

The moving company calls the honeymoon suite at Motel 6 to inform you that your grandmother's baby grand won't fit through the door of the double-wide.

Two words: NASCAR coasters

... and The Number 1 Sign You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire...

Your new wife's previous life: famous Olympic figure skater
Your new wife's current life: drunk b!tch with hubcap

[Jolie Rouge]

Signs You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire (Part II)

The pre-nuptial agreement is one sentence long: "She can't have the tractor."

The lineup of your bridesmaids dazzled him because he'd never seen so many women with all their teeth before.

Every other weekend, six oafs in suits stop by to re-break his thumbs.

He's never adequately explained why he can't get The Club off the steering wheel of his Mercedes.

His reading library consists of nothing but Tony Robbins and Don Lapree books.

When you ask, "Penny for your thoughts?", he insists on seeing the money up front.

The reception meal? "Le Elbow Pasta a Fromage Orange", "Chop Beof Helpier", and "Ice d'Italien" for dessert.

His collection of antique cars seems to be rusting to death in the front yard.

When you say "I do," Regis replies, "Is that your final answer?"

The limo makes a stop between the church and the reception to drop a coffin off at the cemetery.

The only time he dabbles in "mutual funds" is when he fishes in your purse.

The reason that wallet's so fat? Hundreds of coupons for 15 cents off Dinty Moore Stew.

List of assets: a home in Tijuana, 48605 free AOL minutes, original Pokemon Jigglypuff card.

... and THE Number 1 Sign You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire...

He may look like Bill Gates and sound like Bill Gates, but he just bought a new iMac for his dorm room.

[Jolie Rouge]

T*Y* Goo !

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."




WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS

1. THINGY (thingee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vulne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another person
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (komyoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (komit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (enter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex

6. FLATULENCE (! flachu-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, selfstatement, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (mayking luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (rimoht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes

>

[the fugative]

:D


This is Heaven







An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man? "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago! :eek:

[the fugative]

:p



Shallow Thoughts!
--------------------------------------

If I were God, all of my angels would look like you!

Some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints.

After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the
taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're working with turkeys.
- Jerry Dey

On the road of life, there are windshields and there are
bugsplats.

Why survive when you can live?

Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it.

Be exceedingly humble, for the fate of man is but the worm.

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old. Seek
what they sought.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

:D

[Jolie Rouge]

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets
office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"

The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep. The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"

The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbour's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The poodle and schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The poodle asks: "so your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says: "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

[Jolie Rouge]

Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ. He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

[the fugative]

:eek: LOL :eek:


You are sooooooooooooooooo bad LOL

[Jolie Rouge]

"Ain't no rodeo clown in the world that could keep me off *you*, Darlin'."

"Here's my number, call me if you need a few bucks."

"Run if ya want, Missy, but I'll have you hog-tied quicker than you can say 'stay away from me you Skoal-chewin'freak.'"

"Pardon me, Ma'am -- you and your friend there interested in a little team ropin'?"

"I can see by your Wranglers that you're a Jewish man..."

"Er, yeah... I *am* in the Village People."

"How'd you like to put a pinch of *me* between your cheek and gum?"

"Them calves of yours sure look like they could use a bit of ropin'."

"Got 8 seconds?"

"Ropes, spurs, leather gloves -- Honey, even I weren't no cowboy, we're talking a good time!"

"I'll be in Intensive Care later. Why don't you drop by?"

"You sure make me wish I hadn't cr@pped my pants when that bull charged."

"Honey, I *need* a belt buckle this large to keep from gettin' arrested in Mississippi."

"Is that a pelvis broken in three places, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Mooooooooo."


... and THE Number 1 Rodeo Pick-Up Line ...


"That's right, I said 'AND the horse you rode in on.'"

[Jolie Rouge]

fugative - LOL

You are sooooooooooooooooo bad

Who, sweet, innocent, little ole' me ?? {{fluttering eyelashes in BEST Scarlet o'Hara fashion .....}}

[the fugative]

:p


(Andys my Hero! ) (next to Archy Bunker ) LOL

Andy Rooney Blurbs

Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements
in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough,
they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at
them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee
grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for
me? Thank You."

Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what
that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff)
'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You
can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
scent out of your clothes.

Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who
would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of
'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
'Heck'?

Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning.
The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just
wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he
want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see
you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking.
They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I
always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to
ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have
gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your
grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your
birthday.

Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece
I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I
already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give
free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And
if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now?
They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show
full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through
the whole thing.

Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and
vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably
calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The
thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this
is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test
is back. Stop sharing the love."

[the fugative]

:p


Money Honey



MONEY

It can buy you a House

But not a HOME



It can buy you a Bed

But not Sleep



It can buy you a Clock

But not Time



It can buy you a Book

But not Knowledge



It can buy you a Position

But not Respect




It can buy you Medicine

But not Health




It can buy you Blood

But not Life




It can buy you Sex

But not Love




So you see money isn't everything, and it often causes pain and
suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I
want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL CHEQUES, CASHIERS CHEQUES,
BAGS OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, GRADE 5 PLUTONIUM, ...ETC...

PLEASE: NO CHILDREN AS PAYMENTS, THEY WILL BE RETURNED

[Jolie Rouge]

The Value of Good Underwear:

A couple who drove their car to Kmart wound up breaking down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car then and there. The wife returned later to see a small group of people gawking near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything neatly back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[Jolie Rouge]

BROKE 1000 !!
BROKE 1000 !!
BROKE 1000 !!
BROKE 1000 !!
BROKE 1000 !!
BROKE 1000 !!
BROKE 1000 !!
BROKE 1000 !!


DO THE HAPPY-HAPPY-JOY-JOY !
"They Like Me ! They Really Like Me !

[Jolie Rouge]

Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call rerun of "Hee Haw" in Alabama ?
Documentaries.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
West Virginia: If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver,"Got any I.D.?"
and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies, basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer, he realized that they were all stark naked. He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, "Yes," and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

Mr. Perkins, the anatomy instructor at a posh suburban girls's college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Summers and asked the same question. Miss Summers, with composure, replied. "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr, Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind...and Three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[Jolie Rouge]

Mom's Dictionary

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. (Boy, ain't that the truth!)

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBALIZE: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.


Send this to every Mom you know and make her smile :)





*T*Y* Goo ! She sends me some :) cute :) stuff !

[Jolie Rouge]

Charm :
Alright, Jolie - I was reading your post about "what happens when I do this" - the phone rang and just when I answered i read the the "red x of death" line. I burst out laughing right in the clients ear - he was NOT happy!

I wanted you to know I saw this but couldn't reply because thread was closed before I had a chance :p I'm glad I made you laugh :D Sorry I got ypu on trouble :eek: Now let them wonder what we are talking about :confused:
I followed Amberlee's directions but still can't seem to make it work :mad:
Sometimes I do stuff just to amuse myself :cool:


:rolleyes: BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! :rolleyes:

[car64683]

Professor Of Mathematics
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

:eek: :eek: ;) :D :eek: :eek:

[car64683]

Still A Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! 'But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[the fugative]

:eek: :eek:


LOL@Jolie




MINNESOTA DRIVERS


Two men are driving through Minnesota when they get pulled over by a
State trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his Night Stick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the
head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Minnesota son. When we pull you over, you
better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What's you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to
your buddy, 'I wish that *ssh*le would've tried that sh*t with me!''

:p

[Jolie Rouge]

Long before focus groups, demographic studies, and pop-up ads, there were Burma-Shave signs. (Thanks to Norb the E-mailer.) We can't vouch for the history at the beginning, but here's a link that helps put it all into context. http://www.ia.net/~iowalha/shaver/shaver.html

Before interstates, when everyone drove the old 2-lane roads cross country, Burma-Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing one line of a four-line couplet -- with the obligatory fifth sign identifying Burma-Shave.

[Note: There is no such thing as a "four-line couplet" --Ed.]

Burma-Shave was created by the O'Dell brothers, who lived in Minneapolis and had a little plant in the Bryn Mar district. On Mondays they would leave town and drive along a highway near a town. Then they would place Burma-Shave signs (without having to pay for the placement) along all the highways leading to the town. Each set of signs contained five placements, one for each line and then the last one that actually said "Use Burma-Shave." Then they would proceed to the next town and do the same thing. Late on Thursday and into Friday they would backtrack and call upon the local drug store(s) and ask, "No doubt you have had calls for Burma-Shave." They would take orders and leave the merchandise along with reorder forms.

In the early '60s, Philip Morris became interested in this little franchise. The company's sales were about $900,000 a year when the business was sold to Philip Morris, which proceeded to buy a series of one-minute TV commercials during NFL games. The commercials cost something like $150,000 each. This decision actually destroyed a good little profit-making company in one football season. You might say it went up like smoke! Here are some of the original Burma-Shave roadside ads:

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
**Burma-Shave**

BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
**Burma-Shave**

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
**Burma-Shave**

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
**Burma-Shave**

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS HOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
**Burma-Shave**

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
**Burma-Shave**

PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
**Burma-Shave**

AROUND THE CORNER
THEY WENT WHIZZIN'
THE FAULT WAS HERS
THE FUNERAL HIS'N
**Burma Shave**

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
**Burma-Shave**

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
**Burma-Shave**

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY!
**Burma-Shave**

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
**Burma-Shave**

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
**Burma-Shave**

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
**Burma-Shave**

DON'T PUT YOUR ARM
OUT THE WINDOW TOO FAR
OR IT'LL RIDE HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR
**Burma-Shave**

YOU CAN DO
A MILE A MINUTE
BUT THERE AINT
NO FUTURE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**

BURMA SHAVE MADE THEIR SALES
USING SIGNS, POSTS AND NAILS
PHILIP MORRIS TRIED TV
AND NOW YOU NO LONGER SEE
**Burma-Shave**

[mikejo]

How many monkeys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[Jolie Rouge]

Diary of Escaped Bovine in Cincinnati
Day 1

Everyone completed their assignments and diversion went perfectly. Humans froze when we all rolled on our backs and began kicking wildly in the air. Not sure if I'm the only one to escape or not. Unable to contact the underground, they took my bell. Spent the night standing next to a Gateway Computer store.

Day 2

Several near misses with authorities. Getting hungry. Now have green and blue spots after stumbling into a paintball game. No contact yet. Rolled in mud to avoid thermal detection.

Day 3

Beginning to wonder where all of the vegetarian animal rights people are. Found food. Pressure building in udder. Must find a farmer soon. Spent the night in front of the Cincinnati Art Museum. Covered with mud and paint, they were clueless.

Day 4

Found water and washed off. Overheard people talking while standing outside Wal-Mart. They have no idea where I am. Made $3.50 by shaking with little kids on my back. Need to find farm to spread the word not to get on the truck for the "hayride." Found perfect hiding place.

Day 5

I still believe others made it out too. Either way, the rebellion is growing. Cold. Found food and water. Laying low. Spent all day posing on the Chick-fil-A billboard again. They don't suspect a thing. If I don't find a way to get milked soon I'll explode.

Day 6

Soiled Chick-fil-A billboard, had to move on. Spent the day hiding in woods. Got mugged for my $3.50. Still no contact. Desperate now, difficult to walk due bloated udder. Unable to locate farmer, considering turning myself in at Trauth Dairy to relieve the pressure.

Day 7

Followed farm smell and ended up at Cincinnati Zoo. Udder killing me. Under cover of darkness, broke in to petting zoo. Mobbed there by bizarre-looking hungry creatures. Bloated udder no longer an issue. Nobody there cared about my near miss with the slaughterhouse, kept asking if I had any chewing gum or candy. The lions were afraid of me because they didn't know what I was and a water buffalo was hitting on me. Got out of there before sunrise. Weird place. Caught out in the open by helicopter, thought it was over. Saved by freak hailstorm. Must keep mooving.

Day 8

Staying close to park. Should be safe here now, no money left. Woke this morning with graffiti all over me. Must be more careful. Stood in Scarlet Oaks Retirement Community parking lot for a while to rest aching hooves. Bunch of white-haired humans hanging around, must be some sort of cult. One told me "freelance wranglers" are hunting me. Don't believe a word of it. They've hired mercenaries. People are running all over the park looking for me. They're so stupid. They don't know that when I close my eyes, no one can see me.

Day 9

Almost run over this morning by panicked deer. Wanted to know why there are people with guns in the park. They couldn't understand why anyone would be interested in me because I'm "just a cow." City deer are snobs. Feel I may be losing my edge, nothing going as planned. Worked a kid's birthday party and made $5. Party ended shortly after I had an unexpected emission of stomach gas. Might be stress. Have to start eating better.

Can't get this stupid birthday hat off my head.

Day 10

Traded $5 and hat to white-hair cult for information. Can't trust anyone now. They've planted cow spies in the park. Heard they want to give me a key to the city. Won't do me any good. I don't have hands. Had secret meeting about my future with Marge Schott. Didn't like the way her dog was looking at me. Can't remember how this all started.

Day 11

Got tipped last night, slept too sound. Must have been that pathetic little dart. Met with nervous Mayor, who worried Meat Packers Convention will pull out of Cincinnati over me. Like I care. Great food next to pen holding bovine traitors. Waited for guy with dart gun to fall asleep and had dinner.

Day 11: The last night

Ambushed late last night, they were everywhere. Managed to drag two of them all over the park. Think I could have taken them if it wasn't for that guy with the needle. Woke up hung over in strange barn this morning.

Incarcerated.

They tell me I'm getting amnesty. I don't believe them. Grandpa told me never to trust anything with two legs.

[Jolie Rouge]

OKAY: I'LL BITE .....
Mikejo :
How many monkeys DOES it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[Jolie Rouge]

Another Encore Presentation :

This Is A Test .... It Is Only A Test ....

See if you can do this. Read each line.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumb@ss cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
> Betcha can't resist forwarding this one on! :)

[Jolie Rouge]

The Theology of Toys
You've all heard that Capitalistic phrase, "He who dies with the most toys, wins"? Here are some others:

Hare Krishna: He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Judaism: He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican: They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Atheism: There is no toy maker.

Polytheism: There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist: We are the toys.

Communism: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.

Ba'hai: All toys are just fine with us.

Amish: Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism: The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo: Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hedonism: Hang the rule book! Let's play!

7th Day Adventist: He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Church of Christ: He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist: Once played always played.

Jehovah's Witnesses: He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism: Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism: We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.



Mikejo : How long are you going to keep us in suspense ?

car64683 - Good Ones !! Welcome to the PARTY !

[the fugative]

:D


Management Lessons


Lesson #1
*********
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered:
"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson #2
*********
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a
lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson?
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson #3
*********
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung
on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it
began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Here endeth your management course.



;)

[Jolie Rouge]

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. We look good if we just stand & sway A little (ie: Robert Palmer Girls)

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival The Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. (this is sometimes a HUGE advantage ....)

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

*T*Y* Brenda !

[Jolie Rouge]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[Jolie Rouge]

This one Saturday morning, a man gets up early, quietly leaving his wife sleeping. He dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining, a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long.
So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips
back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

[the fugative]

:eek: ROTFL@Jolie You have a one track mind tonight ;) :p

[Jolie Rouge]

EVERYONE - SAY IT WITH ME:

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I don't forward an email.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I DO forward an email.

3. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my email to more than 50 people.

4. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send to me.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an email to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an email....... NEVER - NEVER - NEVER !!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an email tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an email to 10 or more people.

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old--he is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS OR BUSINESS CARDS.

9. The Government does NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every email we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an email. NONE - ZIP - ZERO - NADA!!!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of-disease for every email address I send this to.
The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on.



Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized and send it
along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you
will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of
your hair will fall out!

[Jolie Rouge]

The Fugative
ROTFL@Jolie You have a one track mind tonight ...

See previous post :
Who, sweet, innocent, little ole' me ?? {{fluttering eyelashes in BEST Scarlet o'Hara fashion .....}}




Yo' Where's Mikejo ?? :
How many monkeys DOES it take to screw in a lightbulb? :)

[Jolie Rouge]

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together...

it spells "THEIRS" ?

[Jolie Rouge]

Not that this would apply to MY child ....

One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."

The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said.

The elderly man said, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

[Jolie Rouge]

The Craven

Once amid a midnight hurry, Arthur wandered weak with worry
Wond'ring how to have the client hire him for evermore.
While he shuffled, almost stumbling, he could see the Texan crumbling,
And a stock price quickly tumbling, tumbling to the trading floor.
"Tis but numbers," Arthur muttered, "on some paper writ before.
Only this and nothing more."

"I can fix them," Arthur snickered.
"None will see net assets biggered,
Nor the bad debts reconfiggered, thus to hide them evermore."
Arthur pondered not the morals. He was resting on his laurels.
And avoiding future quarrels with the Texan at the door,
With the cheating, stealing giant whom we'd like to call "The Whore."
"This I'll do and nothing more."

But, too late, our Arthur found out that the Texan client ground out,
Leaving debt for sleuths to hound out. How would he maintain the score?
Standards to the trash were headed. Documents he freely shredded.
Obligations he unwedded, code of honor to ignore.
Meanwhile giant Texan bigwigs, calmly sold off stocks galore.
They'd sit pretty evermore.

Then the Texan came to ruin; Arthur lost his place as shoe-in.
Had to learn how to recover brand name from the days of yore.
So he turned to quiet study, earning name of Fuddy Duddy.
He reads books of concepts, modern standards for the auditore,
Reads of trust and obligations he no longer can ignore.
This he's doing evermore.


our apoligies to Mr. Poe .....

[Jolie Rouge]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
-----------------------------------------------------

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year
_______________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
________________________________________________

Q: How old is your son; the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Kathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
_________________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old; how old is he?
________________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_______________________________________________

Q: She had three children,right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?
_______________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

_________________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.
_________________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
_________________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?




:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[Jolie Rouge]

Good Things About Having a Navel ...

Save enough lint -- knit a festive holiday sweater!

Airport security never checks there for the sand I steal from Qatar.

A permanent-ink marker, the love song from "Titanic", and a creative camera angle might just enable your chubby-faced Celine Dion impersonation to lip-synch its way onto that "Funniest Home Videos" show.

Less conspicuous at the beach than a fossilized umbilical cord.

Prettier and easier to keep clean than a third nipple.

Without one, I'd just look silly when I do my Shania Twain impersonation.

Near-perfect conditions in which to hold the Lint Olympics.

Negates the need for a "Start Here" marker for Japanese ritual suicides.

Looks *****in' with a big-@ss gemstone in it.

Makes a comfy home for crabs who want to commute from the suburbs.

Official NASA docking point for full erection.

Combine it with a single catchy pop hook? Grammy Award for Best New Artist!

Scoot up my T-shirt and voila -- I'm Hirsute Spice!

... and THE BEST Good Thing About Having a Navel...

Distracts thieves from your *really* valuable stash of booty-crack lint.

[the fugative]

:p



THE BEST


Subject: Bad Company Employees


How sad is this?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?







Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. :eek:

[Jolie Rouge]

You know you’re having a bad day when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

[Jolie Rouge]

Business Advice

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody — it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

[Jolie Rouge]

What Can Be Learned From TV & Movies ...

1) Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
2) Good guys are always outnumbered.
3) Good guys always win and get the girl.
4) Good guys are always good-looking.
5) Good guys are the only ones with a sense of humor.
6) Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
7) Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
8) Good guys don't take drugs.
9) Heroes wear clothes that dirt can't stick to.
10) Ugly people are always bad guys.
11) Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but they will never stick around to see if it works.
12) The bad guy chickens out first.
13) The police are smart.
14) Police never wait for back-up.
15) Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark sunglasses.
16) All police killings are in self-defense.
17) Police chases must include a car going through a plate-glass window.
18) Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.
19) After being shot, there is always enough time to escape.
20) The chances of getting into an accident increases proportionally as the car goes slower.
21) A burglar alarm system's connection box is on the outside wall.
22) Private detective work is glamorous.
23) Cars will explode in all accidents.
24) Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
25) Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
26) Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
27) High school students look 30 years old.
28) The suburbs are exciting.
29) Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
30) All Chinese people know karate.
31) Indians make good fodder.
32) All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded.
33) Everybody wins in Las Vegas.
34) Nobody has time to watch TV.
35) Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when he or she is in a hurry.
36) Housework is never needed.
37) Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
38) Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
39) The last five minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
40) The last five minutes will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
41) In case of emergency, speak in clichés.
42) Ninety-five-pound women in tight skirts can throw around 300-pound muscle-bound men.
43) Fistfights don't result in bruises.
44) Helicopters are attracted to mountains.
45) No one ever mumbles, stutters, or says, "Um ... "
46) People normally wake up in the morning with make-up on.
47) There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men.
48) If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
49) Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
50) Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
51) Everyone has a "dark" secret.
52) Haunted houses are never locked.
53) Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
54) Rich people are unhappy.
55) Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
56) When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of his or her mouth.
57) Christmas Eve and Halloween nights last for three of four days each.
58) Midnight happens more than once in a monster movie.
59) To kill a vampire, you must set out five minutes before sunset.
60) Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie that everyone who went into the dark cellar never came out.
61) The group always splits up to look for the alien.
62) Movies based on true stories are always made up.
63) Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their home PC.
b) Computers know everything.
c) You must type frantically to keep a 3-D image moving on the screen.

[Jolie Rouge]

The Mother of All Urban Legends

I was on my way to the Post Office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true—I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital—the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send this to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive four green M&Ms—if you don't, the owner of Procter & Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the sodium laureth sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true because I read it on the Internet.

[Jolie Rouge]

The Mother of All Urban Legends

I was on my way to the Post Office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true—I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital—the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send this to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive four green M&Ms—if you don't, the owner of Procter & Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the sodium laureth sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true because I read it on the Internet.

[Jolie Rouge]

Five Chicago sports fans were climbing a mountain. Each was a fan of a different Chicago team, and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans to his team.

As they climbed higher, they argued about which one of them was most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally, as they reached the top, the Blackhawks fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for the Hawks!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be outdone, the Bulls fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming, "This is for the greatest basketball team of the '90s!"

Seeing this, the Bears fan walked over and shouted, "Dis is for Da Coach!" and leapt to his death.

The two remaining fans looked at each other in stunned silence. After a minute, the Sox fan shouted, "This is for all the Sox fans!" and hurled the Cubs fan off the mountain.

[Jolie Rouge]

You Know You're Trailer Trash When...

1. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table. In front of her kids.

2. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

3. You think a woman is "out of your league" because she bowls on a different night than you.

4. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

5. You've got more than one brother named Darryl.

6. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

7. Your senior prom had daycare.

8. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Jolie Rouge]

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women.

Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, of whom four were worth keeping. Remember, this chain letter brings luck.

One woman's cat died, and the next day she received a hunk.

An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.

You can be lucky, too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back again!

Let's keep it going, ladies! Just add your name to the list below!

1. Hillary Clinton Chappaqua, NY

[Jolie Rouge]

The Truth about Tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

[Jolie Rouge]

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next.

Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word: 'appiness."

[Jolie Rouge]

The Top Signs Your Significant Other is Addicted to Internet Porn

During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

C:\Downloads\Porn
C:\Downloads\Porn\July
C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03
C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03\10PM-11PM

Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

... and THE Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is Addicted to Internet Porn...

His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.



A new study says an estimated 200,000 are addicted to internet pornography, meaning that they spend a minimum of 11 hours a week viewing porn on the web.

[Jolie Rouge]

Top 27 Best Insults

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should improve your looks??

5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!

6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. How would you like to feel the way you look?

16. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

17. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?

18. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.

19. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.

20. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

21. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

22. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!

23. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.

24. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

25. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

26. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

27. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

[car64683]

Dear God
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[the fugative]

:p


A Visit to the Dentist



The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's office, where
Mr. Hammett made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or
needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth
and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said
the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...


"Show him your tooth, Honey."


:p

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to
ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch

Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess
which has occurred?

I was going to change the world but I couldn't find a babysitter.

I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.

A 14.4 modem makes you want to get out and push!

D.A.R.E. Drugs Are Really Expensive!

You may touch the dust just don't write in it.

To keep your kids safe: Love them at home, belt them in the car.

Australian Rules Football: A game devised for padded cells,
played in the open air.

[Jolie Rouge]

A really large macho guy is just about dying of thirst. The only bar around is a gay leather bar. "Hell with it," he thinks. "I ain't afraid of no fairies." He goes in, sits down, and thunders in his best gay-bashing voice, "I need somethin' to drink! I'm so damn thirsty I'd lick the sweat off a bull's balls to wet my whistle!"

A huge leather-clad guy, twice his size, grabs him by the back of the neck and says, "Moo moo, buckeroo... I say, moo moo!"

[Jolie Rouge]

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in
Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

[Jolie Rouge]

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

19. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

20. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

21. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

22. And your crybaby whiny-@ss opinion would be ... ?

23. Do I look like a people person?

24. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

25. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

35. Chaos, panic & disorder, my work here is done.

36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

37. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.



187/1281

[Jolie Rouge]

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4.. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,

5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous."


"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

[Jolie Rouge]

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

[Jolie Rouge]

Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.

All he wants to do is watch "Catlock."

Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.

Last year: Went a-courtin' carrying a "pencil full o' lead."
This year: Goes a-courtin' carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.

Complains non-stop about the "bankrupt moral values of kittens these days."

Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.

"You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the '80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin' claws off..."

Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.

Writes "Put me to sleep" in its litter box with pee.

When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.

Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.

Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the heck out of his yard.

Occasionally forgets to ignore you.

Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.

Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.

... and THE Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Getting Old ...

While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.

[the fugative]

:p

Mergers


As you know, the stock market has not been in the greatest shape
lately. It seems that, because of current economic conditions, many companies are contemplating mergers and acquisitions. Here are a few to keep an eye on:

1. XEROX and WURLITZER.
(They're going to make reproductive organs).

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS.
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER.
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.)

4. W.R. GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE
BUSINESS SYSTEMS.
(The new company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR.
(The new company will be called MMM Good.)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE.
(The new company will be called Deere Abi.)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL.
(The new company will be called Honey Im Home.)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING.
(The new company will be called Mine All Mine.)

9. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS.
(The new company will be called Poupon Pants.)

10. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN.
(The company will be called Knott NOW.)

11. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING.
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da.)

:D

[A0305]

Jolie,

I wanted to say thanks for all the wonderful and funny jokes. I am normally not up this late but I could not sleep (to much worry). After reading this post, I am in a much better mood now. Thanks and I will be watching for more jokes.

A new late nite reader,

Ellen

[Jolie Rouge]

The logic of distributing, via e-mail, a poem about how great life was before computers is a little lost on us; but it's kind of catchy....


A computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note,
A window was something you hated to clean
And RAM was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

A memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

[Jolie Rouge]

Hello, A0305 !

We aim to please... glad you like the jokes :) You may find I like to "pounce" various people, kinda like stalking, I sneak up behind them when they least expect it on the forum and "pounce" them with a carefully selected joke. What can I say, I am easily amused .... :p

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. "

The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[the fugative]

:D

HYMNS for The Over 50 Crowd


1. Precious lord, Take My Hand and Help Me Up

2. It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

3. Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

4. Just a Slower Walk With Thee

5. Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

6. Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

7. Give Me Old Timer's Religion

8. Blessed Insurance

9. Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked


:D

[Jolie Rouge]

This is funny only because the are *reported* as TRUE ....

THERE SHE IS: The Belle of the Blue beauty pageant in Georgetown, Ky., was marred when a Georgetown College official forcibly ejected a contestant, freshman Keaton Lynch Brown, 18, during a rehearsal. It started with "tension" over Brown's talent demonstration: a dancing lasso routine where she roped a stuffed pig. "There was some controversy over whether her talent was ladylike," sniffed another contestant.
Student activities director Kathy Wallace allegedly dragged Brown down some stairs during the rehearsal. She was put on paid leave by the school and charged with assault. Before the incident, pageant contestants voted Brown "Miss Congeniality". (AP)
...Next she'll be referred to as "The Plaintiff".

HALTED: Assistant professor Rod Yellon at Canada's University of Manitoba got a ticket for running a stop sign, but he avoided a court conviction for four years by winning at least eight postponements to his trial. Yellon argued stop signs were unconstitutional because the word "stop" is "vague". He also tried to argue that stop signs don't have "standards and frequencies of calibration, performance and testing."
After missing a court appearance, he said that his mind had been "sucked into a black hole," making him forget his court date. When he recently tried for another delay, Judge Murray Howell refused the motion. Yellon walked out on court proceedings and was convicted in absentia on the testimony of the officers who had ticketed him. Yellon teaches foreign policy analysis and decision making. (Canadian Press)
...Analysis concludes decision making is a foreign concept to him.


SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT HIS STORY: Police in Madeira Beach, Fla., were called to a fight between two fishermen. Pinellas County sheriff's deputies say that Garth Spacek, 42, was beating Frank J. Ashmus, 46, over the head with a beer bottle. Ashmus struck back by stabbing Spacek -- with the bill of a dead swordfish. He was reported in fair condition in a local hospital. Both men were arrested. "We don't see this kind of thing very often," a sheriff's spokeswoman said. (St. Petersburg Times, Reuters)
...He who lives by the swordfish, dies by the swordfish.

[the fugative]

:p



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go
on a long vacation.

"Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow."

The frog says "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants
to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny elephant. "I mean,what the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)










(you're gonna hate me)








The bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a rolling stone!"


:D

[Jolie Rouge]

"I remind contestants to please phrase responses in the form of an exclamation used during torture."

"Your choice is 'D'? WRONG! NO SOUP FOR YOU!!"

Keeps insisting the bonus round is played in his pants.

Responds to all the contestants' answers with, "You're one breath closer to dying and have control of the board, Skippy."

You're not sure why the category "Presidential Trivia" should have the question "WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE THEY INSIDE MY HEAD?!!!"

Will only ask questions by licking the microphone in Morse Code.

Breaks from the game to waggle his finger at the camera and challenge "that bastard Trebek" to a no-holds-barred cage match.

Insists you phrase every answer in the form of a sonnet.

"The imperialist dogs who rule this parody of a contest have proclaimed that you are incorrect."

"Vanna, will you please tell our guests... HOW THEY'RE GOING TO DIE! ...MWAA-HAA-HAA-HAAA!"

His "toupee" is actually a heavily-sedated marmoset.

Every time you answer correctly, he gets a goofy look on his face and starts humping your leg.

Screams, "It's *them* again!!!" whenever the audience breaks out in applause.

... and THE Number 1 Sign a Game Show Host is GOING Nuts...

"And for a million dollars, here's the question: With my genitalia tucked in between my legs like so, could I pass for a woman?"

[Jolie Rouge]

fugie :
(you're gonna hate me)
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

Oh ! The PUN, THE PUN !

[Jolie Rouge]

200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!


BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !


Return of the Son of the Best of Steven Wright....

(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me.


(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one
part O. I don't trust anybody!


42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."


A friend of mine is into voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.


A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."



All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."


All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.


And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

[the fugative]

:p


THE COPY FACTOR


A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned
to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He noticed, however, they were copying copies, not the
original books. The new monk went to the Head Monk to ask
him about this. He pointed out that if there was an error
in the first copy, that error would be continued in all
of the other copies. The Head Monk said, "We have been
copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point my son."




The Head Monk went down into the cellar with one of the
copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody
had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look
for him. He heard sobbing coming from the back of the cellar
and found the old monk leaning over one of the books, crying.
He asked what was wrong?




The word is 'CELEBRATE,' not 'CELIBATE!' sobbed the monk.

:D

[the fugative]

:D



200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!
200 POSTS 1365 VIEWS !!


BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !


YIPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! ;)

[the fugative]

;)


Memory Test

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man,
"What is three times three"? "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn.
What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn.
What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man.

"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".
:D

[Jolie Rouge]

Sometimes, we wonder why friends send jokes to us
without writing a word. Maybe this could explain:
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch,
guess what you do --you forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact,
you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what,
and don't know how, you forward jokes.

To let you know that:

1) You are still remembered
2) You are still important
3) You are still loved
4) You are still cared for
5) You are still wanted...

...guess what you get? A forwarded joke from me.

So dear friend, next time if you get a joke,
don't think that I have sent you just a joke,
but that I have thought of you today
and wanted to send you a smile!

[Jolie Rouge]

You may remember some things close to these itemized stats and most of us realize the amazing changes which occurred during the 20th Century, but the contrasts of what was in 1901 as opposed to what is in 2001 are awesome.

The average life expectancy in the United States was 47.

Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.
A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous State in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the US was twenty-two cents an hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.

More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home.

Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the Country for any reason, either as travelers or mmigrants.

The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

Drive-by-shootings -- in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy -- were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.

Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet.
Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten US adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the corner drugstores

[Jolie Rouge]

Love is stronger than pride...


15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS, SISTERS, & FRIENDS.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his...

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

These were found on Ladies' Bumper Stickers:

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

And my favorite! ...

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

[the fugative]

;)

A guy goes to his girlfriends's house for the first time,
and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get a couple of
glasses of wine, and as he's standing
there alone, he notices a small vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it,
she walks back in.
He says "What's this?" She says,
"Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says,
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
;)

[Jolie Rouge]

(( The "survival" in this horror-movie survival guide refers to the characters in the movie, not the viewers in the audience. ))

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some grisly fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house - move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take anything from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack, and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

[Jolie Rouge]

Joke Matthew (age 6) told me today :
"What's brown and sticky ?"
"A stick."

[Jolie Rouge]

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Jolie Rouge]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you sons of
b!tches who want off, get the he!! off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your @sses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen."

[Jolie Rouge]

While visiting England, Bill Clinton is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Clinton?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you'd mind answering a question for me?"

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Clinton agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Clinton replies in disgust, "Wrong, Senator. It's Tony Blair."

[Jolie Rouge]

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to
cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

[Jolie Rouge]

During the audition, your nose felt too much like a hemorrhoid.

The candidate's mom gave you low marks because she didn't like your answer to the intimacy question.

Let's face it; it's those damn Viagra commercials.

Too much you, too little Spandex.

You can still cast a reflection in a mirror.

Your judgement has been in question since you picked Darva Conger.

I don't knoe!

You did inhale -- burning flag smoke.

The "Vice" part doesn't mean "dresses like Sonny Crockett."

It wasn't all the acid you dropped, as much as that one baby.

... and THE Number 1 Reason You Won't Be Asked to Run for Vice President ...


You called the nominee's bluff on the abortion issue by getting his teen daughter pregnant.

[Jolie Rouge]

"Twice as many rides -- all 40% slower!!"

The neighboring "Microsoft Theme Park" keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.

The really good rides you keep hearing about aren't accessible at all.

Your ticket is good for "500 free hours!" but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.

The sign outside the bigtop tent reads, "We're sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later."

Ride attendants keep insisting they're busty young vixens despite the fact that they're all over 40, dirty, and male.

None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.

A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it's still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.

Even though you've paid your monthly entrance fee, you can't get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.

Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.

The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.

You're visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350.

"We're sorry, but the 'Mr. Case's Obscenely Long Ride Line' ride is unavailable. Please try again soon."

... and THE Number 1 Sign You're at an AOL Theme Park ...

IT'S AN ALL-CAPS WORLD AFTER ALL!

[Gia]

{{{{JOLIE}}}}

[car64683]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

[the fugative]

:p




:oREAL QUOTES FROM SPORTS COMMENTATORS:o



ALAN MINTER; "SURE THERE HAVE BEEN INJURIES AND DEATHS IN BOXING--BUT NONE OF THEM SERIOUS."
;) They were only minor inconviences ;)

PAT GLEN-WEIGHTLIFTING COMMENTATOR; "THIS IS GREGORIAVA FROM BULGARIA. SAW HER SNATCH THIS MORNING AND IT WAS AMAZING."
:eek: where was he? :eek:

TED WALSH; HORSE RACING COMMENTATOR; "THIS IS REALLY A LOVELY HORSE I ONCE RODE HER MOTHER."
:D really? :D

MURRY WALKER "THE LEAD CAR IS ABSOLUTELY UNIQUE EXCEPT FOR THE ONE BEHIND IT WITCH IS IDENTICAL."
:p how could he tell :p

GREG NORMAN "I OWE A LOT TO MY PARENTS ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER AND FATHER."
:confused: I should hope so :confused:

TERRY VENABLESS "IF HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, I SHOULD THINK WE CAN EXPECT THE SAME THING AGAIN."
;) You can say that again and again and again.... ;)

RON ATKINSON; "HE DRIBBLES A LOT AND THE OPPOSITION DOESN'T LIKE IT- YOU CAN SEE IT ALL OVER THEIR FACES."
:) Get him a wet one :)

HARRY CARPENTER-BBC TV BOAT RACE 1977 "AH ISN'T THAT NICE THE WIFE OF THE CAMBRIDGE PRESIDENT IS KISSING THE COX OF THE OXFORD CREW."
:eek: caught in the act :eek:

METRO RADIO "JULIAN DICKS IS EVERYWHERE ITS LIKE THEY HAVE ELEVEN DICKS ON THE FIELD."
;) where? ;)

DAVID COLEMAN AT THE MONTREAL OLYMPICS "THERE GOES JUANTORENA DOWN BACK STRAIGHT, OPENING HIS LEGS AND SHOWING HIS CLASS."
:D A kodak moment :D

US TV COMMENTATOR "ONE OF THE REASONS ARNI (ARNIE PALMER) IS PLAYING SO WELL IS THAT, BEFORE EACH TEE-SHOT, HIS WIFE TAKES OUT HIS BALLS AND KISSES THEM.".. "OH MY GOD DID I JUST SAY THAT ON NATIONAL TV."
:p Yep You Did :p

[the fugative]

:D



My Favorite Mule Bessie


Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company(responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde."Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question."
"Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?"
Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer
and I was driving down the road..."T
he lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer
and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say
about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However,I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
"After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand
and looked at me and said,
'And, how are you feeling?'"

[Jolie Rouge]

What's bigger than a big apple?
A bigger bigger apple.

HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.

WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam!

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
Polaroids.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho Cheese.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quattro Sinko.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.

WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the he!! out of the dog.

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the dirt bag.

WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because he's wearing his belt buckle on his hat.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, "d@mn." A bad skydiver goes "d@mn," whack.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.


And remember,
never pet a burning dog.

[Jolie Rouge]

How does your garden grow??? (a grown up funny)
Once, there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed, and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

"So," he asked "any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

[the fugative]

:D


At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." "That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist". "Wow, how did you guess?"

"I didn't feel a thing"
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[jaybird]

~sneaks in~

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a
woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she stung?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole,"
was the reply.

He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive."
:eek:



Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...... "Liver alone. Cheese mine." :D

HEY, don't call me a sick pervert! My health is just fine! ;)

[the fugative]

~sneaks in~




Yeaah LIKE Hurricane JayBird :D


HEY, don't call me a sick pervert! My health is just fine!

Well Good But thats not what we all wonder about!! LOL ;)

{{{JayBird}}}
{{{Jolie}}}

[jaybird]

Hurricane Jaybird. I'm rolling here. If you just knew the story about New Orleans, Bourbon Street, The Old Opera House and the night of the 15 32-ounce Hurricanes, you'd understand. Let's just say jaybird passed out on the corner of Canal & Bourbon, trying to get onto the street car at about 2am...
~grins sheepishly~

((just what DO we wonder about....?))

[jaybird]

...with her 76 year old mother about to DIE of mortification...

...while da dot and dahubby were still tossing them down...

...FIRST time in my life I have ever seen dahubby sleep past 7am...

...not that I really SAW it, I sensed it...

...had to P reeeeeeeeeeeally bad but wouldn't get out of bed because I didn't want to wake him (damommy and da dot were in the other bed snoring still at 9am!)...

Sorry...went off for awhile there, but I'm back! ;)

[the fugative]

:p ROTHFLMAO @JayBird

Remind me to tell you sometime about the time I woke up in a field next RR Tracks covered in dew while in germany:D

[jaybird]

Deal. We'll swap stories. Have a hilarious one from when dahubby was in the Navy and in Germany...hmmmm, must be that warm beer sold by the street vendors, hey?
(got a sneaking feeling your story is a lot better than mine!) ;)

[the fugative]

:p


hmmmm, must be that warm beer sold by the street vendors, hey?


YUP I do believe Beer was involved in some small extent or amount, of course it was also involved in my excellent adventure into Czechslovakia (before the iron curtain fell) without a passport or visa. :eek: But thats also a story for another day.

Night JayBird ;)

[jaybird]

Night fugi, sleep well.

Jolie, where you at girl? ;) How's Mike feeling??

[Jolie Rouge]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."



Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realised that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?"

Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"

[Jolie Rouge]

Hey, Jaybird, welcome to the club ! We have you a special table right up front next to fugies'. I'll have that cute Italian waiter bring your drink right over... :)

[Jolie Rouge]

"Oh yeahhhhh, you found my GOP-Spot!"

Giggles and turns red whenever she hears the word "caucus."

Approaches perfect strangers and asks if they want to take his "exit poll."

She says your chances of having sex tonight have a plus or minus 5 percent margin for error, depending on "party member" turn-out.

Enjoys performing filibusters on you.

You keep finding pin-ups of Madeleine Albright in his sock drawer.

Constantly refers to your bedroom as the "poling place."

Her "Hey, Forbes -- put a flat tax on *this*!" T-shirt.

She hands you results indicating that although 79% of her is in love with you, 43% percent of her is p1ssed that you leave your clothes on the floor.

AOL screen name is "ILuvGOPCokeMonkeys!"

Your web browser suddenly has a bookmark to "www.hotButteredGore.com."

...and THE Number 1 Indication Your Spouse is Turned On by Politics...

Screams during her orgasm, "Paid for by Friends of Bill Bradley!!!"

[Jolie Rouge]

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it
pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press ? I don't get it.


Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter. No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [[Slow glance upward.]]

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Four years ago ... no, it was yesterday.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.
Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got
there.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the
gift-wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought some batteries. But they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad
luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I collect rare photographs. I have two. One of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell kicking a dog.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep" I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

and on that note, I bid you all "Good Night" {{{SMOOCHES}}}

[Jolie Rouge]

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

(note that we have neither the time, the resources nor the inclination to confirm any facts or statistics in this joke.)

[Jolie Rouge]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, on a trial basis. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

The kid's first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.64"

Boss says "101,237.64? What the he!! did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[Jolie Rouge]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively."Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...........

[Jolie Rouge]

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day, this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff, and blow your house down."

So he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said
"Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick
pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm going to Huff and puff and blow your house down!"

And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!!!" So the brick pig let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm going to huff, and puff, and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed, and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin-striped suits and fedoras.

The huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck, and
proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun,
and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they left the wolf for dead, got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!!

They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"

And the brick pig answered, "Oh, those were my cousins.....the Guinea
Pigs.

[Jolie Rouge]

Rejected TV Shows for Kids

60 Minutes Sitting Silently in the Corner Thinking About What You Did

Trenchcoat Mafia Ninja Turtles

Fat Albert and the Cosby Crips

Ritalin Boy and the Overfriendly Gym Teacher

Bill Nye the Scientology Guy

ABC Afterschool Special -- "Grandpa, I Said NO!"

Little Crackhouse in the Projects

The Strangers in a Car with Candy Hour

Mr. Roger's Neighborhood's Reclusive Cat Lady, Gertie

Bob Vila's Workalong Chore Fest

Where in the World is My Biological Father?

Curious George and His Emotional Rollercoaster

Ritalin, the Mellow Clown Who Isn't Any Fun at All


... and THE Number 1 Rejected TV Show for Kids ...

Touched by an Anvil -- The CBS Cartoon Hour

[jaybird]

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little green guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.! I'll give him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thakee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

" I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -sometimes twice a week."

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
:eek: :D :eek: :D

[jaybird]

A couple have a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, we got first and second place!"

[jaybird]

Eleven people were rescued and hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one was a woman. Thr rope wasn't very strong, the winds high, and they all decided that one person would have to let go, because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave an emotional speech saying how she would give up her life to save ten others, how women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, sacrificing, not receiving anything in return. She spoke for 5 minutes, and gave a strong, emotional speech.

Her speech was so powerful, when she finished speaking all the men's eyes filled with tears and they began applauding. :eek:

Never underestimate the power of a woman. ;)

[jaybird]

For Fugi, since he prolly didn't find the last one humorous!

Marketing Explained

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.
:D

[jaybird]

Twenty Reasons To Love Chocolate

1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8) You can safely have a chocolate while you are driving.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can have chocolate any time of the month.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.
14) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
15) You can as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
16) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
18) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
19) Good chocolate is easy to find.
20) With chocolate, size doesn't matter.

[the fugative]

:D



1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."



2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.



3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.



4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."



5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.



6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."



7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.



9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


:p

[jaybird]

Eleven Reasons Why Email Is Like A Penis

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.
7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
1. If you play with it too much, you can go blind.

[the fugative]

Ouch.............Ouch..............Ouch........... .Ouch.....






:D (Fugie bumping around in the dark) :p ;) :D

[jaybird]

Hehe.

>>>jaybird<<< isn't EVEN going there!

:eek:

[jaybird]

Q: What sound does a horny toad make?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
A: RUB IT, RUB IT.

[Jolie Rouge]

And here are some key differences between Americans, Aussies, Brits and Canadians. (Thanks to Stephen

***
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

***

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

***

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

***

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

***

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey and how they beat the Americans twice at baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

***

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."

Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day," "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

***

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

***

Americans: Drink weak, urine-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, urine-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting urine.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

***

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

[Jolie Rouge]

Instead of roasting the flesh of infidels, the fires of Hell are now just used to roast marshmallows.

Mysteriously, a movement arises to replace communion wafers with body-free tofu-of-Christ.

Vegetarians emit more gas than meat-eaters. What, you thought that smell was sulphur?

Local organic gardens finding unprecedented crop yield when planted in a pentagram configuration.

The new line of Satan's Own salad dressings ("All after-tax profits go to Hell").

He recoils at the sight of the cross of a T-bone.

As the apocalypse begins, every Outback Steakhouse is reduced to a pile of cinders.

"Take this, all of you and eat it, this is my tofu burrito..."

Always bringing his crappy under-garlicked hummus to Microsoft company picnics.

Gardenburger now offers patties in the shape of a Christ child.

Has started ordering his disciples to cut back on the goat sacrifices in favor of a vegan alternative.

Vanity license plate: BLZBROC

Have you *tasted* tofu, man? Is there any *doubt* that slop is the work of the Devil?

As we all know, the Antichrist of Revelations can only be destroyed by the power of pure, glorious Spam.


... and THE Number 1 Sign the Antichrist is a Vegetarian...

His black shroud is really just an XXXL "Meat is Murder" T-shirt turned inside out.