pepperpot

Every time I must deal with my SIL it sets off a whole chain reaction of crap. I try, I really do. #1, she has a disability so that must be taken into consideraton....however, it's the way the disability is handled with the side stepping, tip toeing, accommodations, etc. that is put upon others instead of dealing with certain things that make me crazy.

Years ago, I would try and help and suggest...I got accused of being too hard on her. Okay, I back off....and get accused of other things.

This is a no win situation, no matter what I do....it gets thrown back at me. She can email me nasty things, be insulting, etc. but if I dare mention it to my DH (her brother)...I get crap. I don't even confront her, I just mention it to him and I get crap. I wish he'd stand up for me sometime to her or even validating that she does this stuff, instead of putting things on me and saying 'don't rock the boat'. She is extremely negative, dictative and rude, however, how can she ever adjust this if no one ever tells her and guides her to a more appropriate behavior? She is allowed to be this way and then catches a hissy fit (God Forbid!) if everyone is not all warm loving, kissing her feet and interested in everything she does.

It's a rough situation, I feel for my DH because he's smack in the middle, doing the best (in his opinion) that he can.....but it just sets off a whole bunch of negative things and feelings every time I have to deal with her or about her.

I'm tired of it, I'm just tired.....and so it goes....the fall out from another encounter.

Yeah, I know it won't change, I just need to vent. Thanks....

__________________
Mrs Pepperpot is a lady who always copes with the tricky situations that she finds herself in....

Licchl05

sounds like you're stuck in a sticky situation. Not to be rude, but I don't get why a lot of people who have disabilities think people who do not have one owe them something or that they should be able to do w/e they want because of it. It's a disability, it doesn't have to define who you are!

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but it's such a touchy subject being that it's your SIL and your DH seems to condone her behavior, but him allowing her to do this isn't helping her, it's hurting her.

Best of luck to you!!!

__________________
You, yes you, lemme see YOU walk on water!!

cabby92

Let him deal with her for a while and see if he changes his tune. One I started letting my husband deal with his siblings things changed rapidly. We only have one in our life now, the three trouble makers have gone by the wayside.

pepperpot

I've done that....for several years. It's sticky - her disability is mental......both parents are deceased, she's very high function but some things just don't work 'right'.....there are no other siblings.....so it's all on him (and me). He doesn't have much family left at all.

I have let him handle all the communications for a while now but that backfires at times.....

As I said, 'no win'.....

__________________
Mrs Pepperpot is a lady who always copes with the tricky situations that she finds herself in....

cabby92

Tough situation and it doesn't sound like there's any real answer. Just keep hanging in there.

janelle

Have you read the book, Stop you are Driving me Crazy" There is also another one, I think it is called, "Dealing with Difficult People" anyway it may help to see how to handle a sticky situation like the one you are in.

Don't get in the middle and learn how to detach from her. I know if you are trying to change her it won't ever happen. I would just be supportve of my husband and leave it up to him to deal with any problems.

gmyers

Thats what I was going to say too. Let him deal with her but thats easier said than done with a man. They want their wives to handle things like that.

pepperpot

Several years I did stop "helping her" and now just "look the other way". I'm still doing that, but I still get a special end of the stick....

It's just difficult and very frustrating.

*I still do things for her, she just doesn't know it or I don't (or at least try to) deal directly with her. I handle all the renovations, negotiations and coordinating and such with the contractors/workers. When she needs something, I'm the one who goes out shopping for it or coordinates it. I go over her taxes and coordinate, etc. with the accountant. I do a lot 'behind the scenes' in many different ways....and yeah, I still get the nastiness.

__________________
Mrs Pepperpot is a lady who always copes with the tricky situations that she finds herself in....

gmyers

I hate it when people don't show at least the bare amount of appreciation when you help them. They seem to feel like you owe it to them or something. I feel for you. You shouldn't have to put up with crap like that.

justme23

Only thing I can tell you to do is to just ignore her. My husband absolutely will not stand up to his sisters and I can just forget about him standing up for ME... So I just completely ignore them... sometimes he complains, but I ignore that too... they're his not mine and I'm not putting any more energy in to them than I have to.

__________________
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

An 'eye for an eye' leaves the whole world blind. -Mahatma Gandhi

hotwheelstx

Coming from a person who was born with a severe disability (Spina Bifida) I understand what you're going thru. I have friends with the same birth defect as I do and they depend on others to do all their "work" for them. Sorry, that never has and never will fly with my family. I was taught I could at least try and if I needed help (really) ask for it. That hasn't happened to much in my life. With a will there's a way. I don't feel society or parents owed me a living or should do things like that for me. It's not "right" they raised me to be able to think and do on my own.

Here's what I would do in your situation and I've done it with several friends. Depending on if the challenge is mental or physical there are ways to get around it.

You could show her how to do these things on her own.

Call social services and see if there's someone they could send out to help her with what her needs/wants are.

Appoint someone else in the family to do what she's asking. Maybe then they'll get a taste of what this woman is really like and what's she's asking for.

Leave it alone and see what happens.

Email her back tell her (nicely) that you will no longer be doing these things for her if she has a bad attitude....it's not going to get her anywhere later on in life.

Print out the emails she sends you and show them to the family....I would in a heartbeat. Then maybe, someone will listen to YOU.

If she has children (that are able), significant other....why don't they do these things for her? I would certainly ask if there's someone else there.

If she is that "bad off" as she claims maybe an assisted living home would suit her needs. There's someone there for her 24/7, run errands, take her places she needs to go.

Get an attorney (at her expense) to take care of her financial needs. It may cost her a pretty penny but maybe she'll learn you can do these things on your own.

Suggest or make an appt. for her to see a life coach who deals with a person with disabilities. Show her the appropriate steps she has to take to take care of herself, her life.

Like you, this woman has to live her life. Society and your family doesn't owe her one. I understand (truly) about being disappointed or upset about your disability and not being able to do some things....however, you can work and get around it.

If all else fails walk away from the entire thing. It brings you down, doesn't help in the long run. Your family may be upset for awhile but she'll learn she has to depend on herself and NO ONE ELSE. You shouldn't feel/be obligated to do these things for her. She needs life skills.

As for the emails......Print, pass them out, respond in a nice way telling her that you're only trying to help her, not hurt her.

I do have friends with the same birth defect as I have and they feel nothing but pity for themselves. I won't associate with them much. When they start complaining or whining.....I walk away, tell them they can make something out of their lives if they only try. If she's hold up in her residence and doesn't go anywhere or want to be around anyone that's on her, not you, your family.

If she were to get assistance elsewhere it would cost her out of her disability (if she receives it)....she'll learn quickly that she either can/can't afford to do it.

DO NOT LET HER WALK ALL OVER YOU. She's a grown woman and should be able to take care of herself. It may not be up to your standards or her family's but she should at least try.

Sorry, I get really upset when I hear stories like this. There's no reason for it. Getting a checking acct., paying your own bills, cleaning, taking care of yourself should be YOUR responsibility and no one elses. Society doesn't owe me or her a living.

I could tell you story after story of friends who depend on others to take care of basic needs, wants. Sorry, it's not for me. With a will, there's always a way.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. I know it's hard but sometimes with people like this you need to be hard.....maybe the lightbulb will go off.

When I was around 8 or so my mother made the statement that she wasn't going to be around all my life and there wouldn't be anybody around to "help" me. From that time on I lived and learned that I could do a lot of things "normal" people do. May not be what others like but I'm doing it own my own and I'm not asking for help from anyone.

__________________
Beauty fades. Stupid is FOREVER.

JKR 1942-2006