ugh...... - Page 2 - Big Big Forums

pepperpot · 09-29-2009, 09:33 AM

Thanks Hotwheel

For the most part, she is very self sufficient but she does have limitations beyond her control. She grew up in a time when disabilities were denied so she grew up 'main stream' and does not receive any type of 'government assistance' although it's painfully obvious she would qualify. (But that's a whole 'nother story.)

We are her 'only family' and in the past she has been taken advantage of (there are many people out there who will) so we must keep an eye out for her....I absolutely understand this and there's no resentment there, she does have disabilities.

But what upsets me is her negativity and nastiness, part of it is the disability and part is just her being spoiled at always getting her way and being allowed to do this and act this way. So some of my hurt is not just from her but the people around her that let her continue to do things like this unaddressed and unchecked. There are things that she can learn and are capable of......especially in the manners and behavioral department. Did I mention she's the town crier too?

She will tell your business to anyone and everyone she meets....not just ours, but everyone's business too. That's another reason I carefully watch my words and information I put out, again, it's part of the disability and part allowed and unchecked behavior.

So I do't expect anything to change, it's just a vent...this is the way it is, it's just very frustrating and difficult at times. I really don't mind helping her, and I don't expect roses for it or anything great, or even a sign of appreciation here or there.....I just don't want to be abused while doing 'good things'. KWIM

"No good deed goes unpunished"

Thanks for letting me vent.

mabby89 · 09-29-2009, 10:59 AM

No magic words here. But good luck with everything. I am in kind of the same situation with my b-i-l. No other family than my husband, and hes much younger and cant seem to do a damn thing without my dh. Lots of friction between me and the b-i-l. Especially after this weekend. But that is a whole other story.

hblueeyes · 09-29-2009, 02:04 PM

She has no family but you guys, all the more reason she should appreciate and respect you. There is no way to change other people. You can only change yourself or how you choose to deal with things. I would, be who you are. Tell her like it is. If she doesn't like it, too bad. When she sends an email, dont read it, stick it in a file. If she mentions your not responding, tell her you dont like her tone or attitude in your emails so you dont read them. She'll either stop sending them, continue as is or change the way she speaks in her emails. If you need to deal with her, have hubby do it. He'll soon see or tire of her ways. If he doesn't, so what? You no longer deal with it, he is. Live your life on your terms with the people you want. Life is too short. Live and be happy.

Me

hotwheelstx · 09-29-2009, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pepperpot

Thanks Hotwheel

For the most part, she is very self sufficient but she does have limitations beyond her control. She grew up in a time when disabilities were denied so she grew up 'main stream' and does not receive any type of 'government assistance' although it's painfully obvious she would qualify. (But that's a whole 'nother story.)

We are her 'only family' and in the past she has been taken advantage of (there are many people out there who will) so we must keep an eye out for her....I absolutely understand this and there's no resentment there, she does have disabilities.

But what upsets me is her negativity and nastiness, part of it is the disability and part is just her being spoiled at always getting her way and being allowed to do this and act this way. So some of my hurt is not just from her but the people around her that let her continue to do things like this unaddressed and unchecked. There are things that she can learn and are capable of......especially in the manners and behavioral department. Did I mention she's the town crier too?

She will tell your business to anyone and everyone she meets....not just ours, but everyone's business too. That's another reason I carefully watch my words and information I put out, again, it's part of the disability and part allowed and unchecked behavior.

So I do't expect anything to change, it's just a vent...this is the way it is, it's just very frustrating and difficult at times. I really don't mind helping her, and I don't expect roses for it or anything great, or even a sign of appreciation here or there.....I just don't want to be abused while doing 'good things'. KWIM

"No good deed goes unpunished"

Thanks for letting me vent.

No, no good deed goes unpunished. However, in today's society she could apply for assistance. I'm not sure of her situation but I'm sure that she'd get something from SSI or SS. JMO take it or leave it....I would check into social services and see if there's someone they could send out to help her do what needs to be done. I just don't understand the nastiness. I can remember the day of putting someone in an institution (just because), hide them away from the world, don't give them life skills....they can't learn them. Today's different. It's a great thing you're doing to help her. However, most times with these cases it comes with a cost. Your cost is the unwanted emails, rudeness, ignorance on her part. I'd still check into just in case. Either way (I'm sorry) you're in a hard spot. If my mother were still with us she'd get her arse in gear. There wouldn't be any questions asked, either.....do it or don't.....your decision. I'm not doing it for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Maybe if you hold back for say a month or say she'd come around. If there's no one around to "help" her maybe she'd see the light of day as they say. (((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))).

DreamWarrior · 09-30-2009, 05:12 PM

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My MIL (may she R.I.P) had manic depression, schizophrenia and parkinson's when she was alive. There were MANY times I got the special end of the stick as you say... only I got it from her own daughters!

I would try my best to help her with what she needed and they would get really nasty with me telling me it was MY fault that their mother was this way... Hmmm... would like to know how that was possible since she was in and out of state hospitals since before my ex husband was born...

Needless to say, I feel your pain.

kelblend · 09-30-2009, 10:33 PM

I really don't like the "don't rock the boat" junk when someone is being completely rude. Sometimes it simply isn't worth it to rock it though. However,when they are insulting and stressing you out, it's really unacceptable to be expected to remain quiet about it. I know the others in your family know how she is being, so why does everyone cowtow to her? Just never have understood that stuff. I do hope you find a way to deal with her without letting her get to you.

janelle · 10-01-2009, 12:26 AM

DreamWarrior you seem to have been the scape goat for everybody to beat on when your MIL was acting up. Sorry you had to put up with that crap.

The books I recommended will show you how not to become entangled in their problems. How not to let them make you the scape goat for their failures. Disengage. Assertive training will also show you how to let your feelings be known without offending anyone (unless they are determined to be offended of course, but that is not your problem) and you will feel like you have done your best. Then the problem is back in their court, where it belongs.

Even counselors will not let their clients be overbearing with them. That is not helping them, that is only making them worse.

msmom79 · 10-01-2009, 01:53 AM

i am so sorry you are going through this-i was the only one there for my sister with all her mental problems for over 15 years,i finally had to tell my family and her daughter,its your turn.now dont get me wrong,if my sister really needs me i am there for her,but i dont let her use me or i dont let my family leave it on my shoulders any more.
man the things i can tell you,about how my family was always busy,or they had their own lives to live,come on i had a family too,but i was the one out driving at 3 in the am looking for sister,i was the one taking her to the hospitals trying to get her help,i finally said enoughs-enough!!
you need to walk away from this,otherwise the stress and the total disrespect for you,may cause you health problems-this much stress and aggrivation is not good for anyone.
good luck to you sweety-bless you for being so good about the situation