PeggySue

This is what people in VA, DC all the way to NY have to look forward to
coming in JUNE. They're on the way!!!!! Kevin Cowherd is a columnist for
the Baltimore Sun



Here cicada, there cicada, everywhere cicada cicada



Kevin Cowherd

April 19, 2004

YOU PEOPLE who haven't seen these things, you have no idea what you're
in for.

You're thinking: Cicadas, big deal.

You're thinking: C'mon, a few bugs flying around the yard - how bad can
it be?

You're thinking: Worse comes to worst, I'll spray some Raid and light a
citronella candle and they'll go away.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh. It's just that ... well, you people
are so naive.

First, let's dispense with the fairy-tale scenarios, OK?

Here's how it's going to go down in about three weeks, when these
17-year cicadas start popping out of the ground:

You go to bed one night. But before you do, you steal a last glance out
the window at your back yard. It's bathed in moonlight. It's quiet. It's

peaceful. Everything is fine.

Then you wake up the next day. You look out the window. And suddenly
it's like MTV's Cicada Spring Break outside.

Your whole yard is swarming with cicadas, cicadas that are laughing,
cracking beers, cranking the stereo, throwing each other in the pool,
doing cannonballs off the high dive.

You're like: "What the ...?"

So you go outside to investigate.

You open the screen door and about 60 of 'em barge in, start rummaging
through your fridge, fighting over the remote in the family room, asking
to use your bathroom.

Pretty soon, the noise level outside is incredible.

Right now you're thinking: Well, I've heard cicadas make noise. What is
it, a little buzzing or something?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

A little buzzing?!

I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't laugh. But let me ask you something. Where
are you from, Lollipop Land?

When I say the noise level will be incredible, I mean it'll sound like
the Cicada Tabernacle Choir.

This will be because the thousands of male cicadas are calling to the
thousands of female cicadas.

And the males are not calling the females just to say hello, if you
catch my drift.

No, they're looking for action.

Hey, it's been 17 years! You try going 17 years without ..
well, let's
not
get into that.

The point is, these cicadas will have a just-out-of-San Quentin urgency
to their mating calls, which tends to pump up the volume.

OK, here are a few more things you should probably know about cicadas,
Mr.
or Ms. Clueless.

No. 1, cicadas are ugly as sin.

They're about two inches long and they look like flying lobsters, at
least to me.

Plus they have these beady red eyes that can really creep you out.

(Imagine Ted Kennedy after happy hour - that's the kind of red we're
talking
about.)

And they can't fly very well, cicadas. They're like Mr.
Magoo at the
controls of a Cessna.

When they're flying, they tend to smash into people, houses, car
windshields, dogs, you name it.

And when they smash into you, it startles the hell out of you. You'll
jump three feet in the air.

Luckily, they don't bite or sting or anything. But, still, you get
paranoid.
Who knows what kind of evolutionary changes these cicadas have undergone
in the past 17 years?

Look, with all the pesticides and chemicals we put in the ground these
days, maybe they've developed little teeth and claws and they'll be
swarming around like pint-sized Rottweilers this time.

Anyway, the good news is that the cicadas are only with us for a little
over a month.

Then they all die around the same time and the ground is littered with
their little corpses like some kind of cicada graveyard.

And when you walk on their shells, it makes this crunching sound, which
is kind of creepy, too.

Still, you kind of miss 'em when they're gone.

But then your dog eats a bunch of shells and throws up on the patio, and
suddenly you don't miss them so much.

Copyright C 2004, The Baltimore Sun

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Jolie Rouge

*THAT* is too funny ...

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hotdoglove

yep too funny

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R.I.P. MOM 7-24-54 TO 5-27-09
I LOVE YOU.

BigLyd1

I'm glad I'm far away from them.

nanajoanie

We're expecting them in 2-3 weeks here in Greensboro, NC. My son called me from Kuwait this morning and I was telling him about it. He said he'd trade bugs with me. They have giant locust. He said they are so big that end to end you can only fit about 3 on your leg. But he said they don't make noise. Isn't that special

PeggySue - That was a great read that kept me grinning Thanks

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Toodles, Nanajoanie

ahippiechic

Glad I don't live in TN anymore!

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PeggySue

im here in nj n we r awaitin them as well...

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Gherky

Hey, I could always send you a couple of 'em if you ever start getting homesick for TN.

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MistyWolf

I still remember the last time we had these horrible things! I can hardly wait .. hopefully they won't be in Florida when we go the end of June and I can get a little break from them .. lol. But than again, Florida has it's own bigs to contend with!!!

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rlynn411

These bugs are getting real close to where I am at. They showed on the news the other night how many of them were begining to appear over at the Murfield golf coarse. Murfield is about to have the big Memorial Day golf tornament. You could just about shovel them up there was so many!!! They're wondering how there going to keep the greens clean of them. Totally grossed me out. They did say they don't recommend wearing sandles but to think along the lines of boots.

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Technologist

I have a pic of one as the wallpaper on my cell phone...... ghastly HUGE red eyes.....