I need to just stop crying here. - Big Big Forums

hazeleyedgal · 02-19-2003, 03:38 PM

I have been crying for 2 days now. I am manic depressive and my meds keep changing and I can't control things at times. I go to work and I play the act and when I leave I cry. I wake up I cry, I try to keep it in so noone see me doing this and I just can't take it. I have problems but nothing to be crying about all the time. My best friend says others don't see the real me. That hurts cause I dont' even know the real me at times. I am a loving person and a caring person too and I hear that all the time. But from her I hear how much of a B**** I am. And you wonder why I can't stop crying. I know I am a B**** but I jsut can't help it at times. Some times I dont' even realize I do things. I try to avoid all family memebers on the phone. All I seem to want to do is lay around and hide. I know my sisters ae all reading this since they come here but I felt like I had to write rather thatn talk to someone since I really don't like talking to anyone any more.I feel bad for my hubby cause I block him out as much as I can. My kids I can't take all of them together. It's hard for me. I need to deal with them one on one but it's hard with 3(And one of them is still conected by the unbilical cord) If you know what I mean. I can't go to the bathroom without her barging in. My life is in a termoil right now and I just want it under control. I have a great family and I knwo they would help me if they can but I won't let them in. I dont' want anyone helping me. I'm the one who is supose to help them. I'm sorry for rambling on. I will stop this here since I can't see anymore to type. Have to go wash the face sn act happy since the kiddies will be here soon. Thanks for listening I jsut needed to vent.

rugratsX2 · 02-19-2003, 03:50 PM

{{{{{{{{{{{hazeleyedgal********************** I am so sorry for your pain. Your friends and family only want to help. I know it is hard, but try to let at least one person in. I hope you feel more like yourself real soon.

CABANN · 02-19-2003, 03:52 PM

{{{{{{{{{{{hazeleyedgal********************

02-19-2003, 04:12 PM

If you need a little time out to get things together, and you work full time, you may be able to get FMLA. (Family Medical Leave) They will probably deduct from your sick pay until it is gone, but if you need some time to get back on your feet, maybe you can ask your work place about this?

chrissypoo · 02-19-2003, 05:47 PM

{{{{{Hazel********** Try not to shut others out that want to help. Remember one thing, they can't read your mind and there are times we have to say exactly what we want or need. Just try to do in a positive manner and not a b***** manner.

I honestly understand how you feel, I've been there many times.

*smooches*

hazeleyedgal · 02-19-2003, 06:08 PM

Thanks so much all for your nice saying's and hugs. I'm still trying to kick the depression out of me today. It's a bad, bad day today. I had hubby call the Dr. and he sid he can't see me till Friday and if I get worse before then to bring me to the hospital. I know I need to probably go, but all I'm worried about is losing my part time job and who's gonna take care of the kids and stuff like that. I spent almost a week in there last Oct. and insurance made me leave. Said I didn't need it anymore.(Plus I'm still getting bills from Hospital since Ins. hasn't paid anything yet.) Boy where they wrong and I told the Dr. not to let me go but ins. wouldn't cover anymore. I cried when I left the hospital. I'm not rich and I have medical bills pilling up from when DH was injured from work. Why I want to know I have been on meds for over 1 1/2 and they seem still not to help. I don't know what to do anymore. Just live my life in a lie as I'm told i do. People don't know about this illness and they think they know me and they don't. I wish I knew myself. Thanks again.

Mikaela · 02-19-2003, 06:31 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this, believe me i have been where you are and its not any fun, especially with emotions going crazy ( with pregnancy) alot can contribute to depression. the only advice that i can give to you ( and this helped me ) is that you MUST take time for yourself, ask granny and grandpa to watch the children for a bit, or hubby and just get out on your own , even if its for a short while it will help you. Do not go out on your own saying to yourself "whats the use i have to go back" i use to do that say that it wasnt worth it becuase i was coming back, i mostly drove around i did not go into stores or stop anywhere, just my time to think. and i would have to do this alot!!!! before i got to the point where i could semi control my emotions. i had great friends to help me as i lived away from my family, and hubby helped also, thats the best advice i can give ya, hang in there girl IT WILL GET BETTER!

i will be thinking of you!

DBackFan · 02-19-2003, 07:46 PM

hazeleyedgal....love you girl! I wish I could help someway. Don't be afraid to lean on your sisters, they love you.

schsa · 02-19-2003, 08:56 PM

I'm bi-polar and more depressed than manic. It took me three years before I finally got the right dosage and mix of drugs. If your doctor cannot see you, (I am assuming that it is a psychiatrist), call and tell them that you are having suicidal thoughts and they will move your appointment up.

I know that it is dark and overwhelming to the point where there is no peace. I slept every chance I got. I mean 16 hours a day. I cried and I was suicidal. Then I would pop into a manic phase of a week where I couldn't sleep because I couldn't shut my brain off. Moving furniture at 2 am because I felt that I had to.

If you have to, sit in your doctor's reception room until he makes time for you tomorrow. You need to have your meds checked right now and don't take no for an answer. Don't assume that your doctor knows what to expect. You are the only one who knows whether or not you feel good and right now you are going down for the third time.

Fight for your mental health. You need to be heard and if you don't scream, no one will listen.

JoanieV2 · 02-19-2003, 10:39 PM

Ok, from sister #3 (yeah, I gotta be the favorite since I'm #3, right???....lol). Anyway, gotta get you to smile somehow. If you have to scream, do it loudly so I can hear ya. I wish I could help you more right now. I'd take my godchild for a couple of days if I didn't have to go to therapy 4 days a week, but it's just not doable right now. I handled her before even though she literally screamed for 2 hours straight (was waiting to have the cops knocking on my door....lol).

Anyway, take it easy right now. You know my numbers, my emails, my address...lol. Talk to me when you want to.