Finding out your friend is a level 3 sex offender... (long) - Big Big Forums

diana_circe · 11-01-2009, 10:29 AM

OK, so this will probably get moved to vent/whine, but its really not a vent beyond I need to talk about it, its slightly disturbing to my hubby and I. We know what we need to do, and have no pause in breaking off the relationship. But here's our story.

About seven and a half years ago Mike was working at a landscaping job he worked for over the summers. He met two guys, both relatives of the owner, both his age. Mike got along awesomely with both guys and they became very close friends. Over the next year both guys came around a lot, we had weekends with one or both of them here, and they became part of our family.

One was married with two kids, and he was one that we got along with the most since we had more in common, and that guy ended up being Mike's best man at our wedding.

The other guy was a little bit of a loner, never had a girlfriend, which we thought was odd as he was 28 and not ugly or socially inept or anything. He and Mike got along well, the guy was very creative musically and he and Mike would often write music and lyrics together. He would come up and hang out with us and watch movies etc. He and Mike weren't as close, but when he stopped coming around we missed him. We knew he had gotten into some trouble with the law, and thought we had an idea of what it was about, but man, were we mistaken.

Fast forward to last May. The first guy hadn't been coming around for a while. He and his wife went through a nasty divorce the year before and his new gf is way younger than him and she ended up getting pregnant shortly after they got together. The second guy had occasionally kept in touch with Mike, and last May asked if he could come around and bring his gf for us to meet. We were thrilled, It had been so long since we had a couple to hang out with, and Mike was excited to have someone to talk music with again. They had been coming here a couple times a month, and we had been going there when we could arrange for the younger ones to have someone with them for the evening. On Friday he told Mike they wanted to come out early so they could talk to us and let us know what he was in trouble with the law for. Mike, being the compassionate friend he is said that wasn't necessary, but the guy insisted saying that now that we had all gotten so close he didn't want us to find out later from someone else and hate him.

Well, I think that happened anyway... I was in the bathroom getting ready to take the kids trick or treating, and when I came out I went out to show Mike, who was outside smoking. He looked at me and told me that when the guy was 25 he molested a 5 yo boy. I guess the guy feels he is rehabilitated, he had several years of intense therapy and some jail time, etc. They stayed a while, but the guy could obviously feel the discomfort and they took off.

Mike and I talked until 1:30 in the morning, and he is absolutely furious with the guy for coming around before he was arrested, and then for hanging around so long this time and not telling us while we put our kids in possible jeopardy by having him around.

I am, of course, disgusted and disturbed and worried about my kids, but he was Mike's friend. I liked his gf well enough, but mostly tolerated her so Mike had a guy to buddy around with since it had been so long since the other guy had been around and he has no other real male friends to be a guy with. I feel so bad for him, he's hurt and angry and disappointed in so many ways.

Anyway, I just needed to share. Its hard to make sense of it in my head and I don't know what to do for Mike to help him at all. We'll be talking to the kids today, although I really feel that if anything happened to them they would have talked to us (I hope I hope I hope) but we have to be as certain as we can... This is definitely one situation I never thought we'd be dealing with.

Licchl05 · 11-01-2009, 10:57 AM

Wow, that is definately a sticky situation. If I were ever faced with it I'm not exactly sure how I would react, so I have no advice for you, but I completely understand the anger that you and dh have towards him; with you having children the guy should have told you, but then on the other hand he was scared of losing the friendship. I like to believe people can change, but I wouldn't want to put my kids in a situation that is a potential danger either....

diana_circe · 11-01-2009, 11:19 AM

We knew he was in trouble for a sexual crime, but we were under the impression it was a longer time ago and it was something akin to statutory rape. Which, of course is not OK, but an 18-20 yo with a 15 or 16 year old, while not acceptable to us, seems more understandable than a child crime. I guess in my head I understand how a girl that age could entice an inexperienced guy of that age... Of course, we have an 18 year old, and when she was 15 or 16 there is no way I'd want her dating an 18, 19 or 20 year old. So I guess our feelings might be different if we had had to deal with that.

I know there is no way we want him around out kids. Our youngest kiddos are 9 and 12, and pretty sheltered. He admitted to Mike last night that before he was arrested he was trying to set up other kids, but said that he is past those desires now.

I just don't know... Its so hard to end a friendship, true friends are so scarce, but I can't imagine associating with someone who would hurt a child, especially in that manner. The 5yo was somebody's baby, somebody's innocent child, who will have to deal with that the rest of their life.

whatever · 11-01-2009, 12:08 PM

Its NO secret I do NOT have kids and am NO expert on child molesting topics. But I have been around them in more ways than I care to. And from my experience and what you hear from experts MOST of the time they cannot be rehabilitated. Its something in them......He may very well be an exception. And I truly hope for your dh he is. But in your case I would watch my kids like a hawk when he comes around them and NEVER leave him alone with them just to be on the safe side........

diana_circe · 11-01-2009, 12:46 PM

whatever, I can't imagine letting him around our kids now that we know. We have been talking about this since they left last night and I don't know if there is any way to get around what we now know. Mike likened it to being an alcoholic. They may be able to resist the urge, and some times are easier than others, but the desire is still there and sometimes very hard to resist. I know its a totally different situation, but I can't imagine possibly putting my kids, or the kids of any of our friends and family, in what could be an unsafe situation for them. We could never forgive ourselves if something were to have happened. Not to mention, those around us would be furious for knowingly putting our kids and their's in that situation.

jerseybarb · 11-01-2009, 12:48 PM

I know people can change and change profoundly (I know I did). But part of being a recovering child molester is avoiding kids like an recovering alcoholic avoids bars and liquor stores. I don't have kids, although I was molested when I was a kid. If you continue the friendship, do like everybody says, don't leave him alone with any children. He may have the intention of not reoffending, but try to avoid putting him in any temptation. He does have a girlfriend so maybe having an outlet will help too

Jolie Rouge · 11-01-2009, 07:23 PM

No advice .. just a

and a

WendyLou75 · 11-01-2009, 09:46 PM

Hrm... If it were me, I'd be beating him within an inch of his life... but that's only because I have zero tolerance for Child Molesters and IF there is a Hell I hope there's a special place for them. I say this because John, and one of his sisters were sexually abused as children...by their Mom's Husband. (their step dad) I know very little of what happened... but I do know it was bad enough that he has a very difficult time watching any talk show about child molestors... however he claims that because he knows he should he totally forgives Wayne for doing it. I do know that it was for at least 1 year, possibly 2 years... and he was 10 years old when it started. Wayne also did some "things" to his sisters...but not sure which one...might of been both. They believe Wayne did something to John's older sister, because she ran away at a young age, and was pretty much a terror to any and all men. BUT John did not tell his Mom what happened until he was 26. So of course nothing could be done.

John says that he will never tell me the full story and he still struggles with it today, he is now 42.

So... if it were me, he would never come around again...and I'd of already been on the phone with cops. Shouldn't he be on the registered sex offenders thing???

msmom79 · 11-01-2009, 10:25 PM

this is not easy for me to say,but i was molested by my uncles and also raped by a guy,no way in hell i would let a person-no matter who it was around my children,if i knew for a fact,that they were a convicted child molester- i am sorry,but it wouldnt happen here-no friendship,is worth my childs safety,jmoho

queenangie · 11-02-2009, 01:58 AM

The choice is simple: you protect your children and dump the friendship ASAP.

Our first responsibility is as parents.

Am glad to hear that you are very protective of your children.

fleabones3 · 11-02-2009, 07:28 PM

I am going to be the odd ball out here and I will get flamed I am sure....

Most times I would agree with everyone else on this BUT... he did come talk to you guys face to face, something 99% of them would never do. 2nd of all, he did go to intensive therapy, something else most of them dont do.
He could have kept his mouth shut,and kept coming around for years before you MIGHT have found out. The fact that he told you means he respects your family and trusts you. Some can be rehabilitated. I think maybe you guys need some time to think. Because if he was a good friend, doesnt he deserve a 2nd chance? I am NOT saying risk your kids. Now that you know, never leave him alone with your kids. But that doesnt mean your DH can't still hang out with him and make music and be a " guy". Maybe that guy having a good close friend who knows his past and still likes him anyway can help him and keep him from repeating.

Before I get flamed to bad.. I have stepson in prison right now for lewd and laviscious acts with a minor under 16. Did he do it? no.. he was set up by his now ex wife and her cousin.. who happened to be the minor (15) who also happens to like to accuse older men of rape.. he was her 4th or 5th " rapist'.

I know its 2 different things..but, like I said,he did come to you guys ( albeit a year later) and tell you. That had to take a lot of guts, and respect for your family to do that,and to turn your back completely on him... well, I just think he deserves some kudos for that,although I am not excusing what he did to that 5 year old,and odds are he was molested as a child