Finding out your friend is a level 3 sex offender... (long) - Page 2 - Big Big Forums

msmom79 · 11-02-2009, 08:10 PM

I am one of those kids that was molested and raped-please dont put your children in this difficult situation-i know people can change-but dont take that chance-you see the pain never leaves a person who has had this done to them-you can get all the help in the world-but it doesnt take away the memories and the scars

pepperpot · 11-02-2009, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fleabones3

I am going to be the odd ball out here and I will get flamed I am sure....

Most times I would agree with everyone else on this BUT... he did come talk to you guys face to face, something 99% of them would never do. 2nd of all, he did go to intensive therapy, something else most of them dont do.
He could have kept his mouth shut,and kept coming around for years before you MIGHT have found out. The fact that he told you means he respects your family and trusts you. Some can be rehabilitated. I think maybe you guys need some time to think. Because if he was a good friend, doesnt he deserve a 2nd chance? I am NOT saying risk your kids. Now that you know, never leave him alone with your kids. But that doesn't mean your DH can't still hang out with him and make music and be a " guy". Maybe that guy having a good close friend who knows his past and still likes him anyway can help him and keep him from repeating.

Before I get flamed to bad.. I have stepson in prison right now for lewd and laviscious acts with a minor under 16. Did he do it? no.. he was set up by his now ex wife and her cousin.. who happened to be the minor (15) who also happens to like to accuse older men of rape.. he was her 4th or 5th " rapist'.

I know its 2 different things..but, like I said,he did come to you guys ( albeit a year later) and tell you. That had to take a lot of guts, and respect for your family to do that,and to turn your back completely on him... well, I just think he deserves some kudos for that,although I am not excusing what he did to that 5 year old,and odds are he was molested as a child

Fleabones, I will not flame you as I think you want to see the good in people.

Yes, I do believe that some people can change

but, I would not be willing to to gamble my children on it.

As for him fessing up?

Perhaps it was not his idea and someone threatened him to come clean....like his parole officer or his brother....who knew he was 'hanging' around an environment with children.

Even if he were to just be friends with her DH, if the children know he was/is a 'friend'....what's to stop him from showing up at their school, club, playground, etc. or anywhere when you may not possibly be around? After all....you have trusted him previously...the children (even though now spoken to) might see him as 'safe' or believe that you 'had sent him there to get him/them since you were in an emergency'....you just never know....

I'd play it safe, tell the guy that you like him, appreciate his being honest but for you children's sake and your piece of mind....you friendship cannot be and wish him the very best of luck and what life has to offer.

jerseybarb · 11-02-2009, 09:54 PM

Pepperpot, I am torn between what you are saying and fleabones is saying. I have been thru profound changes in my life and I like to think, naively maybe, that people can overcome huge things in their lives. There is one fly in the ointment. The best way a child molester can keep from reoffending is to avoid children. Has he been friendly towards Diane's children? I have to wonder, if he is committed to not reoffending, why did he pick a guy with kids to hang out with? But whether or not diane and her DH continue the relationship, the guy should never be left alone with any children

pepperpot · 11-02-2009, 10:20 PM

I definitely hear you and feel real bad for the guy if he truly has changed.....

But, one never knows. And I would never forgive myself if I trusted him and something happened to one or more of my children. It''s unfortunate, but I cannot give him the benefit of the doubt where my children are concerned. I would always try to error on the side for my children.

It's my children first.

jerseybarb · 11-02-2009, 10:31 PM

Yes you are right, the kids come first.

Anniston · 11-02-2009, 11:40 PM

Hugs to you, first of all, for dealing with this. Mike seems like a very good guy, and is torn up over this, and that is so sad.

I think that you have already decided that he should not be around your children. And that is a good thing. The last thing in the world you would want is for them to ever consider him to be a trustworthy "safe" person. Should you continue any contact at all, it should be going out as a couple to dinner or whatever. Just nothing social in your home.

The guy was at least honest enough to tell you his situation. So, that does say something about his character. In this situation, however, I don't think a molester's recovery should EVER be compared to a substance abuser who is in recovery. Because you can be friends with 100 ex-substance abusers without your children in real danger. I would have no qualms about befriending someone in substance abuse recovery. However, if I owned a tavern, I wouldn't put them in charge for a week. And as a parent, I would not let a person who has molested a child near enough my child to even see his photos on my wall.

diana_circe · 11-03-2009, 12:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fleabones3

I am going to be the odd ball out here and I will get flamed I am sure....

Most times I would agree with everyone else on this BUT... he did come talk to you guys face to face, something 99% of them would never do. 2nd of all, he did go to intensive therapy, something else most of them dont do.
He could have kept his mouth shut,and kept coming around for years before you MIGHT have found out. The fact that he told you means he respects your family and trusts you. Some can be rehabilitated. I think maybe you guys need some time to think. Because if he was a good friend, doesnt he deserve a 2nd chance? I am NOT saying risk your kids. Now that you know, never leave him alone with your kids. But that doesnt mean your DH can't still hang out with him and make music and be a " guy". Maybe that guy having a good close friend who knows his past and still likes him anyway can help him and keep him from repeating.

Before I get flamed to bad.. I have stepson in prison right now for lewd and laviscious acts with a minor under 16. Did he do it? no.. he was set up by his now ex wife and her cousin.. who happened to be the minor (15) who also happens to like to accuse older men of rape.. he was her 4th or 5th " rapist'.

I know its 2 different things..but, like I said,he did come to you guys ( albeit a year later) and tell you. That had to take a lot of guts, and respect for your family to do that,and to turn your back completely on him... well, I just think he deserves some kudos for that,although I am not excusing what he did to that 5 year old,and odds are he was molested as a child

oops, edited to change Pepperpot to fleabones

, there is no way I'm going to flame anyone for their opinion. I am also one who was molested as a child, and by a close family friend's son. So I have strong feelings on this besides just being a parent.

I do want to say that the only reason he went to the therapy was because it was the only way he could keep himself out of prison. It was a condition of his sentence. He would not have gone had he not been forced.

I do commend him for telling us himself. But he has been coming out and visiting us, sometimes staying the night if our activities ran too late for them to make the drive home, since May with us in ignorance. I know he didn't want us to find out from someone else, and get pissed that he didn't let us know.

But my first duty is to my kids, two of them not much older than the child he molested. I don't know that I believe in rehabilitation for that. From everything I have ever seen and heard about child molesters, there is no rehabilitation. I just can't chance my kids' safety and well being. And the fact alone that he once was able to hurt someone's child in that manner is enough for me to think its better if I keep my kids out of the equation. And since we have four kids, two too young to stay alone... Well, I'm sure you see where I am going with this.

tammy77 · 11-03-2009, 01:49 AM

Why did this jerk wait all that time to tell you guys.If he really changed and was a TRUE friend then he would have told you guys right from the beginning.I could/would never trust that man again.In my eyes the friendship would be ruined and could never be fixed.Did you ever talk to your children?I pray that he never put his filthy hands on your children.

fleabones3 · 11-03-2009, 01:58 AM

Yes I see what everyone is saying. My point was, the DH and the friend dont have to totally stop being friends. Maybe the DH can go to the friends house instead of vice versa.
I do like to see the good in people, and anybody can change. My DH 's ex wife spent years being a druggie. Now that the kids are grown, she has changed. She now lives with my stepdaughter and is helping take care of the grandkids ( stepdaughter is preg with baby #4) and is trying to make up for not being there. I know thats not the same as child molestation. And of course priority #1 is your children. And of course its your decision.. I just think maybe with the right circumstances, and your kids either not around him...and of course letting the kids know that the friends is a molester..

Then again.. its easier for me to speak not being in Diana's position...
I wish you luck and damn, that would suck to find out if it was one of my friends.

MistyWolf · 11-03-2009, 04:20 AM

I have two kids, both girls and this guy would be history. Yeah he came out and told you and yeah he might be "recovered," and never touch your kids .. but is he touching someone elses and not saying anything? .. That would always be in the back of my mind. That and what if he touched my kids? .. He'd be dead. So it would be best all around for him to stay away.

Sorry your having to go through this and I hope you find the answer your looking for.

Bahet · 11-03-2009, 08:38 AM

There are 7 billion people in the world. I am not so desperate for friends that I'd hang out with someone who would hurt a child.