jerseybarb

How do you get a drunk up on the roof?

Tell him drinks are on the house.

How do you tell if a drunk has been using a computer?

There is white out on the screen.

Did you ever notice that you can take a Blonde joke, subsitute the word "drunk" for "blonde" and come up with an even funnier joke?

Edited to sayBTW I am a member of AA, we tell jokes like these all the time

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To get flowers, you need more than sunshine, you need chit and rain too

jerseybarb

How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty One. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink until the room spins.

This really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and exclaims, "I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!"

What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "He knows when to stop."

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

There was a guy who had at least 4-5 drinks of whiskey every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!

Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.
One: "Whew, it's windy today!"
Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"
Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!

__________________
To get flowers, you need more than sunshine, you need chit and rain too

jerseybarb

This is an Alanon joke about "their alcoholics"

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, he holds the bulb up and the whole world revolves around him!

(notice I said "alcoholic" not "drunk" Drunks don't go to all those meetings LOL)

__________________
To get flowers, you need more than sunshine, you need chit and rain too

nightrider127

Good ones Barb. I see you are on a roll again today.

__________________
Missing Mommy and Daddy.
Missing my Lady,Dingo, Mitzi and Spud.
Missing my Aunt Ann.

NasCat

I'm sorry, but I don't really find alcoholism funny. Just me, I guess.

jerseybarb

I'm sorry that I offended you. I am an alcoholic and I have found that humor is one of my tools of recovery. If you go to an AA meeting you would be surprised at all the laughter and jokes. If I didnt laugh at my alcoholism, I'd cry.

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To get flowers, you need more than sunshine, you need chit and rain too

nightrider127

Nascat, Barb didn't mean to offend no one. She is an alcoholic, over 25 years sober. Not only has she beat an alcohol problem, she has beaten a drug addiction problem. She deals with her recovery with humor.

__________________
Missing Mommy and Daddy.
Missing my Lady,Dingo, Mitzi and Spud.
Missing my Aunt Ann.

jackie227

I loved the jokes,lol, and I could so relate to them a few years ago.
I was a drunk for a few years, quit a little over 5 years ago.
I say use whatever resources that work for you to help you deal with it.

I sent them to several of my friends

jasmine

so true, they do think that the world needs to revolve around them

pepperpot

Barb, hang onto a laugh where ever you find one. Laughter and being able to joke about things is what carries the heaviest of hearts over the roughest of spots. Laughter can get you through the toughest of times.

Loved the jokes.

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Mrs Pepperpot is a lady who always copes with the tricky situations that she finds herself in....

pepperpot

How about a rubber crutch then?

Lighten up

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Mrs Pepperpot is a lady who always copes with the tricky situations that she finds herself in....