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Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Long Island , NY
Posts: 578
Thanks: 189
Thanked 298 Times in 103 Posts
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Life in the Customer Service World ..funnies
A Man Of Many Faces, All Of Them Dumb
Retail | Dallas, TX, USA
(I had lost my entire wallet just a week prior. A customer approaches my check stand. He has an 18-pack of beer on the belt, and he looks about 20 years old.)
Me: *ringing him up* “ID, please.”
Customer: “You got it!”
(The customer pulls out a wallet that looks exactly like mine, broken chain and all. He then proceeds to show me my own ID.)
Me: *taking my wallet back from him* “Two problems with this.”
Customer: “What the h***, man?!”
Me: “First off, this is MY ID; MY wallet. Secondly, I’m not 21, and neither is this thing.”
Customer: *runs out of the store*
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When You Know You Need Better Glasses Or Better Handwriting
Call Center | Augusta, GA, USA(In taking a call, I ask a customer to read me some numbers from her hardware in order to access her account.)
Customer: “3-7-V…”
Me: *repeating* “3-7-V.”
Customer: “3-7-V!”
Me: *thinking I’ve misheard, correcting* “3-7-B?”
Customer: “3-7-V!”
Me: “…3-7-V? ‘V’ like ‘Victor’?”
Customer: “3-7-V! V! ‘V’ like ‘umbrella’!”
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Security Insecurity
Cellphone Store | Albany, NY, USA
Customer: “I want to pay my cell phone bill.”
Me: “Sure. May I have your wireless number?”
Customer: “Oh, I don’t give that out.”
Me: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, I need your wireless number in order to pull up your account.”
Customer: “No! I don’t give anyone my number. That’s personal and private. Let me give you my social…”
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A Sweet Tooth…And Sweet Legs, Sweet Arms…
Retail | Ontario, Canada
Customer: “Hello, I’d like to return this cookie jar.”
Me: “Do you have your receipt?”
Customer: “Yes.” *hands receipts over*
Me: “So why are you returning this?”
Customer: “Oh, my husband didn’t fit into it.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Customer: “Well, my husband recently passed away. He loved cookies, so I figured that I would get him something like this for an urn, but when I tried to put him in there, he didn’t fit.”
Me: “Ah.”
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That’s A Lot Of Tubes
Pawn Shop | Los Angeles, CA
(A customer enters our pawn shop, and I motion her over to my counter.)
Me: “What can I do for you today?”
Customer: “Yeah, I wanna pawn my internet.”
Me: “Do you mean your computer? If it’s complete and relatively new we’ll take it. You just have to bring it in so we can test it out first.”
Customer: *getting angry* “No, man, my internet!”
Me: “Umm…do you mean your modem? Because we don’t take modems or routers by themselves.”
Customer: “No man, I wanna pawn my internet! My INTERNET!”
Me: “Like…your AOL account or something? We can’t do that either.”
Customer: “No! I wanna pawn my internet, man! THE INTERNET!”
Me: “Ma’am, if you can actually bring me the internet, I’ll give you $100 out of my own wallet and you can keep it.”
Customer: *happy again* “Okay, I’ll be right back!”
(She never came back.)
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My Cup Runneth Over With Confusion
Convenience Store | Canada
Customer: “I’d like three vanilla soft serve, please.”
Me: “Sure thing. Would you like that in a cup or a cone?”
Customer: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “One is in a cup, and one is in a cone.”
Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll have them in cups.”
(I make the soft serve, put them in cups and hand them to the customer.)
Customer: “This isn’t what I wanted. They’re in plastic cups.”
Me: “I thought you said you wanted them in cups.”
Customer: “By cup, I thought you meant, like…a cup cone. Some kind of cone in the shape of a cup!”
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When Colloquialisms Meet Capitalism
Grocery Store | Long Island, NY, USA
(I’ve just rung up a customer up for cigarettes.)
Customer: “I’m gonna zip-zip it.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Zip-zip!”
Me: “I don’t know what that means.”
Customer: *getting annoyed* “I’m going to use my zip-zip card!”
Customer’s Daughter: “Zip-zip? Gosh, Mom! It’s a credit card.”
Me: “Oooh. You can slide that right over there.” *pointing to the card machine*
Customer: “Which button do I press? It’s asking me to pick payment type.”
Me: “…credit?”
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Dude, Where’s My Brain
Video Rental | Eugene, OR, USA
(Two guys walk into our video rental store, find their video, and come up to pay.)
Coworker: “What’s your phone number?”
Customer: “Yeah, it’s [last name].”
Coworker: “Okay, so Chris [last name]?”
Customer’s friend: “Holy s*** man, he knows your name!” *turns to my coworker* “Dude, what’s my name?!”
Coworker: “…”
Customer: “Dude, I have an account here.”
Customer’s friend: “Oh. I’m going to go wait in the car…”
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The Karma Of Capitalism
Ice Cream Shop | Ontario, Canada
Me: “Can I help you sir?”
Customer: “Can you…do…this coupon?” *holds out coupon*
Me: “Yes, our two-for-one special. What flavors would you like?”
(The customer then dictates two particularly long and complicated orders.)
Customer: “I don’t like the energy you gave off while making those ice creams. Make them again.”
Me: “Okay…I’ll try to change my energy, sir.”
(Later, after I re-did the order.)
Me: “That would be $3.66, please.”
Customer: “But I have a coupon.”
Me: “A two-for-one means you have to pay for one of the two ice creams.”
Customer: “Pay…? But…free?”
Me: “You have to pay, yes.”
Customer: “But I just wanted free ice-cream…”
Me: “Do you even have any money?”
Customer: “What the h*** do I need money for? I have a coupon!”
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One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 2
Call Center | Appleton, WI, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company]. How may I help you today?”
Caller: “Hi, I just want to know why my bill is higher this month. You guys are always adding charges to my bill, and I want to know why!”
Me: “Well, ma’am, I will be more than happy to help you figure out those charges. Let me pull up the account. Who am I speaking with?”
Caller: “I can’t tell you that.”
Me: “Ma’am, I need to pull up the account to find out what your charges are. I can’t do that if I don’t get any information from you.”
Caller: *reluctantly gives name* “I don’t know why you keep asking me for this information! You have my credit card numbers and social security numbers and whatever else! What government agency are you selling my information to, anyway?”
Me: “Ma’am, we do not sell your information. I can’t even access any of your–”
Caller: “I know you tell them where I call! The police are tapping my phone and harassing me! I know you have my information!”
Me: “Okay, ma’am…well, the charges on your account seem to be 411 charges.”
Caller: “That’s so they don’t know who I’m calling!” *click*
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Thank You For Calling Planet Of The Apes
Technical Support | Columbus, OH, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hey Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”
Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”
Customer: “OH MY GOD, IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”
Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”
Customer: “Oh… so you’re one of them human peoples?”
Me: “Yes, sir, I am a human peoples.”
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Wake Me When You’re Smarter
Tech Support | Florida, USA
Customer: “My internet is not working.”
Me: “I can help you with that. Are the lights on your modem lit?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Good, is the one labeled ‘online’ blinking?”
Customer: “I don’t have a light like that, but it does have the time.”
Me: “The…time?”
Customer: “Yes, and there’s a button labeled snooze!”
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An Inconvenient Convenience
Bank | Cape Cod, MA, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], how may I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, I just got my statement in the mail and it says at the bottom to call this number for questions?”
Me: “Yes, that’s right.”
(A long pause follows.)
Customer: “OK, so…what are the questions?”
Me: “No ma’am, that’s in case you had any questions about your statement that you wanted to ask us.”
Customer: “Oh OK, good. Because I really don’t have the time to be answering your questions.”
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