Speaking of Snow .... {{ a joke **** - Big Big Forums

Jolie Rouge · 12-04-2004, 02:03 AM

As you may know, there are a lot of Californians moving to Idaho these days. Unlike Idaho with its four seasons, California only has two: hot and hot as heck. The following excerpts are from letters from someone who recently moved to McCall, Idaho.

November 1, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

It started to snow this evening about 5:00 p.m. -- our first of the season. The wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down. They say that no two snowflakes are the same! It was beautiful.

We woke to a big wonderful blanket of crystal white snow covering our yard and as far as the eye could see. I shoveled snow for the first time in over 30 years -- and loved it! Did both the driveway and sidewalk. Of course two minutes after I finished, the snowplow came by and covered it all up again with the compacted snow from the street. Oh well, ha ha, I took it in stride and shoveled it all again.

Your friend,

Tom

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November 10, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

Got another 8 inches of snow last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero.
Shoveled the driveway so I could get the car out but before I could open the garage door, the snowplow did his thing again. Worked out for the best because the car wouldn't start anyway.

Fixed myself a drink and laughed it off.

Regards,

Tom

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Noverber 27, 1992
Dear Jim and Mary:

Sold the car and bought a 4 wheel drive truck. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway getting into it. All that was hurt was my feelings. Still cold (below zero every morning) and the icy roads make for tough driving. I did however make it to the liquor store and bought enough booze to last the winter. That jerk in the snowplow came by while I was gone and covered the driveway again.

Tom

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December 5, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

Happy "freaking" Holiday from Idaho. We're assured a white Christmas this year because 6 more inches of the "white stuff" fell today. Forget that crud about snow flakes all looking different, you've seen one, you've seen them all!! Anyway, I took a couple of stiff belts out of the whiskey bottle and suited up to shovel the driveway. You should see it, boots, jump suit, heavy jacket, scarf, ear muffs, gloves, etc. Got in one shovel full and had to like a Russian race horse. Figured I'd risk blowing a kidney and finish the job. When I did, I ran for the house and just made it to the toilet. While I was standing relieving myself, I heard a now familiar sound.

Yes, that twit in the snowplow did it again. The only reason I needed to get out was that the liquor cabinet was empty, again! I think the wife has been sipping behind my back!! Selfish wench!

T.

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December 30, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

If I ever catch the son-of-a-bicuiteater that drives that snowplow, I'll drag his bare hiney through the white **** from here to the city limits. The temperature stays at zero or below all day. If this keeps up I'll be freaking with this white stuff 'til August. Got to get to the liquor store before it closes. I caught the wife dead drunk on the bathroom floor yesterday. At least now I know where the booze is going.

Me

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January 5, 8, or 10, 1993

Dear Tim and Cary:

7 more inches. If it wasn't for going to the liquor store, I'd never get out. Must be cabin fever or I'm going snowblind from that white stuff all over my yard, but even that drunken witch I married is starting to look good. Doesn't matter, it's so cold I have to tie a string and tag on my toes just to find 'em ever morning.

You Know Who

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Febiary, whatever, whenever...............

Deer jimmers, jimmers, J & M:

Toilet froze. IF you go outside, don't eat the brown snow ha ha! Neighbor came by and told me I better get some of that stuff off my roof or it might cave in. Forget it and the snowplow. Liquor store has started making deliveries to the front door. I ain't going out till this stuff melts all the way a way.

me

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March 29, 1993
Boise Mental Hospital

Dear Jim and Mary:

Thank you for taking in my darling wife. My lawyer says I should be out in a year or two. All this could have been avoided if the snowplow driver hadn't come by asking for a donation for some charity. His doctor testified at my trial that there was no permanent damage to his rectum from my assault with the snow shovel handle. It was wrong, I know that now. The arson charge
too, could have been avoided, but when that neighbor told me about the snow on my roof, well I figured the fire would melt that white.........

I really feel bad about the guy who owns the liquor store. Ever since we left the neighborhood, the bank foreclosed on his new house and the Cadillac dealer repossessed his new car. Even the kid who used to deliver for him quit, claimed he wasn't making that $1,500 a week like when we lived there.

Hope to see you soon!

Your Friend,
Tom

kygirl71 · 12-04-2004, 02:13 AM

lol too cute

Jolie Rouge · 12-06-2004, 01:01 AM

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like the blazes. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Blasted snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, went and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she ... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his toes. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the blasted snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good.

I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?