Tourist Info if you visit the South - language??
11 Ways to Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.
It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them,they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's patootie whether it's
Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke.
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,
Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a
lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do,
sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards,
Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb.
We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for
the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.
If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick
your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll
kick your ass.
__________________
Toodles, Nanajoanie
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