Midwestern Guidelines - Big Big Forums

Jcowgirl77 · 06-20-2002, 12:09 AM

> > MIDWESTERN GUIDELINES
> >
> > Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners
and
> > Californians cross the 12 Midwestern States (Illinois, Indiana, Iowa,
> > Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio,
south
> > Dakota, and Wisconsin) the Tourism Councils in those states have
adopted a
> > new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
> > Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person
as
> > they enter any Midwestern State.
> >
> > 1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than
you
> > do all week at the gym.
> >
> > 2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
> going
> > to get dust on your BMW X-what the hell. I have a four wheel drive
> because
> > I need it. Either drive yours or get it out of the way.
> >
> > 3. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
you
> > whipped...by our women...and you won't enjoy it.
> >
> > 4. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
> > flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
> > 13-inch trout you fish for -- we call them "bait".
> >
> > 5. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
> >
> > 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
> > final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up
to
> > your ear at the time.
> >
> > 7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order
> it
> > rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds
of
> > ham, turkey, and cheese. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass
> with
> > two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
> >
> > 8. No, we don't eat too much here, we just know how to eat. Our men
> don't
> > get big and strong here by chewing on organic celery sticks while
drinking
> a
> > chai tea latte. They grow up big and strong by eating their mama's
> homemade
> > meat loaf, real mashed potatoes with gravy, corn on the cob from their
> > garden, homemade biscuits, followed off by a few slices of homemade
apple
> > pie made with apples from the orchard and a big healthy glass of whole
> milk
> > from our award winning dairy cows. As to how we work off what we eat,
see
> > #1 above.
> >
> > 9. You bring Coke into my house, it had better be brown, wet, and
served
> > over ice.
> >
> > 10. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
We
> had
> > quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
> >
> > 11. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
> when
> > it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
> >
> > 12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So,
> > you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
> >
> > 13. Yeah, we eat catfish and turtle. You really want sushi and
caviar?
> >
> > It's available at the bait shop.
> >
> > 14. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
> like
> > it? Interstate 40 goes two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two.
Pick
> > one and use it accordingly.
> >
> > 15. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly.
> > Understand the concept?
> >
> > 16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
> spooks
> > the fish.
> >
> > 17. That State Trooper that just pulled you over for driving like an
> > idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
> >
> > 18. You may think that we're boring people because most of us are
> farmers,
> > but you'd better stop to think where most of your food comes from
first.
> We
> > work hard here to provide our country with the food and dairy it needs
to
> > feed it's people. In other words, we're too busy working to listen to
you
> > whine and complain. And by the way, we're not boring -- just come into
> one
> > of our local taverns on a Friday night and we'll show you our idea of a
> good
> > time. Oh, better not plan anything for Saturday or Sunday. You'll
need
> > that long to recuperate from Friday night if you're going to keep up
with
> > the locals.
> >
> > 19. No that is not Bambi standing in that corn field. It is a deer
and
> > yes, we shoot them and eat them here. You want low-fat meat? Nothing
> > better than a lean venison steak. Don't like the fact that we shoot
them?
> >
> > Try to remember that the next time one runs across the road from out of
> > nowhere and it does $15,000 damage to your $60,000 BM'er.
> >
> > 20. Cheese is it's own food group and yes, it goes with anything --
even
> > apple pie. >>