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For Better or Worse
Posted on Thu, May. 30, 2002
For better or worse
New 'skill-building' classes teach ways to make marriage last
BY SARA STEFFENS
Contra Costa (Calif.) Times
1. Find out whether pumps can be dyed lilac for bridesmaids.
2. Register for set of sterling silver pickle forks.
3. Acquire skills needed to sustain love through a lifetime of trials and troubles.
The last item might not be on the to-do list of every happily engaged couple, but it probably should be. In the United States, more than 43 percent of first marriages, and around 55 percent of other marriages, will end in divorce, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
"I wish all brides would have this on their bridal registry: a marriage skills course," says Diane Solle, founder of the Washington, D.C.-based Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "If they got three, they could say, let's do one now, one in a year, and take a refresher after five years."
Frustrated by years of trying to help revive ruined relationships, Solle is at the leading edge of a group of marriage and family therapists who've turned their sights toward preventive work.
By offering workshops that focus on building relationship skills, these counselors hope to teach young couples how to deal with the hurdles they're likely to encounter during marriage.
"Couples are operating under this really crazy notion about finding Mr. and Mrs. Right, and they think that's somebody they're not going to argue with," Solle said.
"The marriage vow should say: I agree to disagree with you for the rest of my life. You're the person I'm going to discuss and argue and work things out with forever."
New marriage research, much of which emerged in the late 1980s and throughout the 1990s, fueled the radical shift in the way Solle and other "marriage educators" look at troubled relationships.
Among the startling findings: Couples who get divorced don't argue any more frequently than couples who stay happily married for decades. And among both groups, most partners report having at least 10 irreconcilable differences.
What that proves, says Solle, is it's not the issues themselves that erode a relationship, but rather an inability to handle conflict and manage problems.
"The couples who make it to the finish line, they're going to learn to understand differences are normal, even good," Solle said. "We didn't get married to manage differences, but if we can't manage the differences and keep them in their place, they will contaminate and erode the love."
That's where the new "skill-building" classes come in.
The courses are now offered in a variety of settings: through churches and synagogues, but also increasingly in community centers, therapists' offices and other secular settings.
Unlike premarital counseling, which usually aims to help a couple decide if they're "right" for each other, or couples therapy, which aims to help partners iron out their differences, these courses teach participants what difficulties to expect in marriage and how to cope when problems arise.
Studies show that all couples tend to fight most often about the same issues: money, sex, kids, other people and time. Conflicts over others may have to do with jealousy,
friendships or in-laws; for women, time issues often relate to housework; for men, frustrations more often arise over leisure time.
Remarriages bring their own set of challenges, especially when children are involved.
"What I see the most is unrealistic expectations, from both the parent and the stepparent, about how easy it's going to be for the kids to accept this new person in their life," says Anthony Carpentieri, a marriage therapist in Berkeley, Calif., who offers counseling and workshops tailored to the needs of stepfamilies.
"It's a delight to work with people who come in early in the process," he said. "It's sort of like if you go out and play tennis and you really strain your knee. If you go right to the doctor that's one thing. If you wait until it's stiff and swollen five days later, that's another."
One of the most important skills for all couples, he said, is to understand there will be bumps and rough spots along the road.
"We need to shift our perspective from looking at marriage as, 'I've arrived now, everything is fine,' to 'This is an opportunity to build our relationship, and to grow.' "
Just knowing that arguing is OK can be a huge help for a struggling couple, says marriage and family therapist Michelle Gannon.
Often, she said, "they're afraid if we fight, it means we shouldn't be together, and they learn to avoid conflict."
Along with her husband, fellow therapist Patrick Gannon, Michelle teaches a course in San Francisco called "Marriage Prep 101."
The sessions are designed to help couples talk about their expectations, to assess their compatibility and to learn the skills they need to deal with incompatibilities.
Both engaged couples and newlyweds attend the classes. Some come because their own parents were divorced, and they're afraid that they've failed to learn the skills they'll need to keep a marriage together. Others take a more matter-of-fact approach -- if one takes driver's ed before getting behind the wheel, and childbirth classes before having a baby, doesn't marriage preparation just make sense?
The workshops, says Gannon, are based in findings from marriage research rather than personal intuition.
"The research says that communication is very important. It also says that resolving conflict is a learned skill. What is really problematic, what ends up in the group that divorces, is when couples are hostile, critical, stonewalling or contemptuous. If you are having those problems now, you need to learn to stop it."
Two people trying to create a shared life are always going to have tension, disagreement and disappointment, says Gannon. But if they take care also to focus on their deep friendship and affection, they can weather almost anything.
"It takes work, but everything that's wonderful in life takes work."
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