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Jolie Rouge · 10-07-2008, 12:40 PM

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This is Greg Phillips and his wife, Judy. How did the housing collapse affect you?

My wife and I bought two dozen time-share condos which we heavily mortgaged in order to flip them 6 months later for triple the purchase price and then the real estate market tanked.

Pelosi: And you were doing this through…

Judy: Misrepresentation.

Pelosi: No, I meant, did you do this out of your home…

Judy: Out of greed.

Greg: Yes, out of greed.

Pelosi: And now, with the real estate market down, you’re stuck with two dozen time-share condos that you can’t sell…

Judy: Unless we can sell them for, like, 10 percent more than we paid.

Pelosi: So, you can’t make your mortgage payments.

Greg: Not without selling the boat. Or putting off essential cosmetic surgery.

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Pelosi: And who is this? This is Crystal, our surrogate mother.

Crystal: Waaaazup?

Judy: You see, I can’t have children…without getting bad stretch marks.

Pelosi: You are also in our thoughts and prayers.

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This is Herbert and Marion Sandler. Tell us your story.

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Herbert Sandler: My wife and I had a company which aggressively marketed subprime mortgages, and then bundled them into securities to sell to banks such as Wachovia. Today, our portfolio is worth almost nothing — though at one point, it was worth close to $19 billion.

Pelosi: My God. I am so sorry. Were you able to sell it for anything.

Herbert Sandler: Yes, for $24 billion.

Pelosi: I see. So in that sense, you’re not so to speak, actual victims.

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Herbert Sandler (chuckling): Oh, no. That would be Wachovia Bank.

Marion Sandler: Actually, we’ve done quite well. We’re very happy.

Herbert Sandler: We were sort of wondering why you asked us to come today.

Marion Sandler: Anyway, it’s delightful to see you, Nancy. (Kisses Pelosi.)

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Herbert Sandler: And thank you, Congressman Frank, as well as many Republicans for helping block Congressional oversight of our corrupt activities.

Frank: Not at all. Let me say something else here. You know, many of you are probably wondering, “Where will that $700 billion missing from our economy go?” To help answer that, let me introduce our good friend, billionaire hedge fund manager, George Soros.

Soros: So what became of zat $700 beellion dollars? Well, basically it belongs to me, now. Actually, it’s not even dollars anymore, but Swiss franks, since I have taken a short position against the dollar.

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Bush: Oh, really. That’s not good.

Soros: You’re not to speak. I don’t like you.

Yes, uh, zee U.S. dollar will have to be devalued sometime next week. Either Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven’t decided wheech yet. It will depend on how I feel.

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Frank: Thank you very much, Mr. Soros. You’re a great man.

Soros: Could I just add that even though you know what’s coming, you won’t be able to do anything about it.

Pelosi: You’re a wise man, Mr. Soros. And a powerful one.

Frank: You are better than us.

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Soros (pointing to Anne Hathaway character): Your wife is physically attractive. Sell her to me, please.

Greg and Judy: Sure. Ok.

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Announcer: We’ll now leave this press conference and join a discussion of Sen. McCain’s foreign policy positions already in progress. Gov. Palin is about to say something embarrassing.

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