Thursday , March 10, 2005
U.S. FORCES IN AFGHANISTAN FIND DETAILED DIAGRAMS OF RUSSELL CROWE
Bush Calls Aussie Actor New Front in War on Terror
One day after Russell Crowe revealed that the al-Qaeda terror network wanted to kidnap him as a part of a “cultural destabilization plot,” U.S. special operations forces in Afghanistan seized a laptop containing detailed diagrams of the Oscar-winning actor.
At a press briefing at the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld confirmed the grim discovery, found in an abandoned cave outside Tora Bora. “The laptop contained crude drawings of the Golden Gate Bridge and Grand Central Terminal, but a highly sophisticated and detailed diagram of Russell Crowe,” Mr. Rumsfeld said. “Based on this evidence, one can only conclude that Mr. Crowe is now al-Qaeda’s number one target.”
Speaking at the White House today, President Bush told reporters, “Russell Crowe is the new front in the war on terror.”
Mr. Bush said he was instructing his military commanders in Iraq to transfer five thousand troops currently stationed in Basra to Mr. Crowe’s beach house north of Sydney. “We will fight the terrorists at Russell Crowe’s beach house so we do not have to fight them here,” Mr. Bush said.
But moments after Mr. Bush’s speech, al-Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden issued a new statement saying that the information on the laptop was no longer valid: “It is true that Russell Crowe was on our list of targets when ‘Gladiator’ and ‘A Beautiful Mind’ came out, but after ‘Master and Commander’ we took him off.”
Elsewhere, oil prices reached record highs, sending shares in Dick Cheney soaring on the New York Stock Exchange.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/default.asp